Bobby Vinton, not the crappy rap version...
Anyway, if y'all don't mind, I'm going to vent for a bit. I should probably get a journal, but everytime I've had one (including on the internet) someone I know personally and didn't want to read it has tried to read it (I prefer being anonymous).
I moved off to college in August, I'm now at an A/G university 14 hours away from home. At home I had a handful of good friends, but I had some other people that I could have talked to if I wanted to, it was just rare that I wanted to take the initiative to talk to someone I didn't know. I've tried to analyze how people become my friend, but I can never figure out at what point they stopped being aquaintances and became friends, the only parts I can see is them being my friend and them before they were my friend, I can't see the transition. And yea, that was rather off-topic. I've made one good friend since getting here (one of my suitemates), and I already had two up here.
There are many people in my hall that I'd love to be friends with, but I have an insecurity whenever talking to people or hanging around them that they're only being polite and would rather be doing something else or just not have me around in general. This even goes on over into my friends. There's only one friend that I don't have that insecurity with, and he's 14 hours away. As a result of this insecurity, I pretty much cling to my computer, staying in my room. I go out to wal-mart a lot, and sometimes to the mall, which can be a weird place to be by yourself when everyone else is in groups of two up to groups of ten. The people in my hall probably think that I prefer to be by myself, but the truth is, I don't. Occassionally I want to be by my self, but the majority of the time I'd love to be hanging around people, I just can't bring myself to do so without someone giving me an explicit invitation to hang out with them, which they've stopped giving, I'm assuming because they think I don't want to be with them.
My friends sometimes make jokes that may seem good-natured and funny to them, but end up just stabbing me. And it's not jokes about me in general, but specifically about the problem I'm talking about now. Questions like "who are your friends Daniel?" when I come back from being away for an extended period knowing full well that I was by myself, and asking it over and over again until I leave the room (this coming from the long-time girlfriend of one of my best friends, who has become one of my good friends herself [one of the two already here]). Things like jokingly telling me something isn't any of my business, even with an extreme joking tone... I see the truth behind jokes like that. I don't believe all jokes have some truth behind them, but a lot do.
I haven't been in a relationship for over a year now, and I do miss it, though I try to ignore the lonely feeling coming from that, but sometimes it pushes its way into my mind. It's not the romance or the thrill that I miss most of all, it's having someone that you can share your every thought with, someone who's always there for you if you need them... though you still have the problem of irritating them with your problems, so I kept my feelings to myself, but just the knowledge that there was someone there if I needed them was enough for me.
Perhaps I'm not as obvious with my emotions as I believe myself to be, I'm told I have a good poker face, but no one ever seems to ask me what's wrong. My parents could tell when something was wrong with me, though I'd never tell them, but here, it doesn't seem anyone notices, either that or they don't care. My depression was as obvious as I think humanly possible without tears while remaining unspoken at our hall devos last night... I think one of the discipleship leaders (DLs) noticed, because he did make sure to talk to me a little bit more than normal afterwards (that little bit being "I'm really glad you came to devos tonight") and there seemed to be a searching spirit in him, but with my fake half-smile he considered everything good and went back into his room... and I cursed him under my breath as I walked down the hall... something that I was immediately sorry for, but I've been looking to people for a caring, listening ear for quite a while now, and at each opportunity they get to show themselves to care for me as a brother... they turn away. I suppose I can't blame them too much, because of every opportunity I've had to "force" them to listen to my problems, yet I refuse.
The spiritual death that I'm currently in, mentioned in the struggles with sexuality forum, sure isn't helping my situation any. I feel no connection between myself and God anymore, and feel that I have no right to talk to God beyond thanking Him for the blessings that He still chooses to give me, for some reason that I've not yet figured out.
Recently I went home for Fall Break. I decided to go to church... I should have left after Sunday School. At Sunday School, people were happy to see me. Then we went to church. I was absolutely ignored by two of my youth leaders. I sat down after saying hi to the pastors. I had one or two people come up to me and welcome me back. I was honestly holding back a lot of tears being ignored by my youth leaders, despite the fact that they ended up sitting two seats down from me. These are the people that I used to consider a closer family than my actual family. The people that I could always go to with my problems. After church I was completely ignored by the music minister whom I did everything for for a year as the head sound guy. She had always acted like she appreciated me before I left... I had another one of my youth leaders hug me, which made me incredibly happy... until after saying "we're glad to have you back" she went to talking to someone else. One line. From a person who I've shared my family problems with before, the only one to email me while I was in school... has more important things to talk about rather than talk to me for five minutes. That was about all I could take and I just left, talking to one more youth leader as I walked down the hall and out the door, though he seemed rather distant too. And on top of that, none of my friends were home while I was down during fall break. I enjoyed the time with my family, but I needed companionship that trip.
I'm sure I could probably think of some other things if I were to keep thinking, but I doubt anyone will even read this far. I don't even feel as if I have the right to be depressed right now. Surely this is but an extremely mild effect of my sins, something that won't even compare to what I deserve. Sometimes the images of me shooting myself comes up in my mind... I just wish that that scared me a little bit.
Anyway, if y'all don't mind, I'm going to vent for a bit. I should probably get a journal, but everytime I've had one (including on the internet) someone I know personally and didn't want to read it has tried to read it (I prefer being anonymous).
I moved off to college in August, I'm now at an A/G university 14 hours away from home. At home I had a handful of good friends, but I had some other people that I could have talked to if I wanted to, it was just rare that I wanted to take the initiative to talk to someone I didn't know. I've tried to analyze how people become my friend, but I can never figure out at what point they stopped being aquaintances and became friends, the only parts I can see is them being my friend and them before they were my friend, I can't see the transition. And yea, that was rather off-topic. I've made one good friend since getting here (one of my suitemates), and I already had two up here.
There are many people in my hall that I'd love to be friends with, but I have an insecurity whenever talking to people or hanging around them that they're only being polite and would rather be doing something else or just not have me around in general. This even goes on over into my friends. There's only one friend that I don't have that insecurity with, and he's 14 hours away. As a result of this insecurity, I pretty much cling to my computer, staying in my room. I go out to wal-mart a lot, and sometimes to the mall, which can be a weird place to be by yourself when everyone else is in groups of two up to groups of ten. The people in my hall probably think that I prefer to be by myself, but the truth is, I don't. Occassionally I want to be by my self, but the majority of the time I'd love to be hanging around people, I just can't bring myself to do so without someone giving me an explicit invitation to hang out with them, which they've stopped giving, I'm assuming because they think I don't want to be with them.
My friends sometimes make jokes that may seem good-natured and funny to them, but end up just stabbing me. And it's not jokes about me in general, but specifically about the problem I'm talking about now. Questions like "who are your friends Daniel?" when I come back from being away for an extended period knowing full well that I was by myself, and asking it over and over again until I leave the room (this coming from the long-time girlfriend of one of my best friends, who has become one of my good friends herself [one of the two already here]). Things like jokingly telling me something isn't any of my business, even with an extreme joking tone... I see the truth behind jokes like that. I don't believe all jokes have some truth behind them, but a lot do.
I haven't been in a relationship for over a year now, and I do miss it, though I try to ignore the lonely feeling coming from that, but sometimes it pushes its way into my mind. It's not the romance or the thrill that I miss most of all, it's having someone that you can share your every thought with, someone who's always there for you if you need them... though you still have the problem of irritating them with your problems, so I kept my feelings to myself, but just the knowledge that there was someone there if I needed them was enough for me.
Perhaps I'm not as obvious with my emotions as I believe myself to be, I'm told I have a good poker face, but no one ever seems to ask me what's wrong. My parents could tell when something was wrong with me, though I'd never tell them, but here, it doesn't seem anyone notices, either that or they don't care. My depression was as obvious as I think humanly possible without tears while remaining unspoken at our hall devos last night... I think one of the discipleship leaders (DLs) noticed, because he did make sure to talk to me a little bit more than normal afterwards (that little bit being "I'm really glad you came to devos tonight") and there seemed to be a searching spirit in him, but with my fake half-smile he considered everything good and went back into his room... and I cursed him under my breath as I walked down the hall... something that I was immediately sorry for, but I've been looking to people for a caring, listening ear for quite a while now, and at each opportunity they get to show themselves to care for me as a brother... they turn away. I suppose I can't blame them too much, because of every opportunity I've had to "force" them to listen to my problems, yet I refuse.
The spiritual death that I'm currently in, mentioned in the struggles with sexuality forum, sure isn't helping my situation any. I feel no connection between myself and God anymore, and feel that I have no right to talk to God beyond thanking Him for the blessings that He still chooses to give me, for some reason that I've not yet figured out.
Recently I went home for Fall Break. I decided to go to church... I should have left after Sunday School. At Sunday School, people were happy to see me. Then we went to church. I was absolutely ignored by two of my youth leaders. I sat down after saying hi to the pastors. I had one or two people come up to me and welcome me back. I was honestly holding back a lot of tears being ignored by my youth leaders, despite the fact that they ended up sitting two seats down from me. These are the people that I used to consider a closer family than my actual family. The people that I could always go to with my problems. After church I was completely ignored by the music minister whom I did everything for for a year as the head sound guy. She had always acted like she appreciated me before I left... I had another one of my youth leaders hug me, which made me incredibly happy... until after saying "we're glad to have you back" she went to talking to someone else. One line. From a person who I've shared my family problems with before, the only one to email me while I was in school... has more important things to talk about rather than talk to me for five minutes. That was about all I could take and I just left, talking to one more youth leader as I walked down the hall and out the door, though he seemed rather distant too. And on top of that, none of my friends were home while I was down during fall break. I enjoyed the time with my family, but I needed companionship that trip.
I'm sure I could probably think of some other things if I were to keep thinking, but I doubt anyone will even read this far. I don't even feel as if I have the right to be depressed right now. Surely this is but an extremely mild effect of my sins, something that won't even compare to what I deserve. Sometimes the images of me shooting myself comes up in my mind... I just wish that that scared me a little bit.
or girl rather...
