Moving next to parents..

[bleek1977]

I talked to a friend of mine the other day who is moving back home to New Orleans to take a new job. When I asked him where was he going to live, he told me next door to his parents in one of their rental properties. I almost gasp when he said that and based on my own experience wanted to tell him not to do it.

You see shortly after Katrina my wife and I spent 4 months living next door to my parents. What I thought would be great because of the help we get with the kids became quite daunting. Living so close to my parents revealed a lot in my marriage to them, which in turn caused them to start passing their mean-well comments to us about different things from how my wife was handling the kids to issue about handling money. They meant no harm but caused harm because it made us change what we were doing as a married couple. Of course I listen to them because they were my parents. But I quickly realized that parents mean well but arent' always right.

Have you had the same experience when you live with your parents or close to your parents as a married couple? Or was your experience different from mine.

 

[likestocook]

As a general rule I wouldn't recommend living within sight of either set of parents. If you live in sight of parents they will see so much of what you do. An example after a minor spat one of the couple walks outside and is seen looking upset. It could be a 3 minute spat but now they've been seen and thoughts are rolling in the parents minds. I think even if one lives fairly close to the parents it is better to at least be out of their direct line of sight.

 

[BigNorsk]

Living near parents can be a great thing. It can also be a bit difficult. Generally if the choice is living near people who love you and want the best for you or live next to a bunch of total strangers who couldn't care less. You should pick the people who love you.

Sure some parents get to be a bit too much, or they are out of control themselves. But generally if children took the advice of their parents instead of automatically assuming that they, and not the parents are correct, things would be better.

Now it certainly could be different in your case, I don't know your parents or even if they are or aren't Christian, so I can't speak to your precise situation, only make a general comment.

Marv

 

[rosiecotton]

Well, my inlaws live right up the lane from us. We have a fairly long lane, but it's close enough we can see if they are outside.
We get along very well. We've never gotten into an argument or anything with them. Sure there have been times when they've gotten on my nerves, especially my MIL (when she'd try to give me advice when the boys were younger). But for the most part, we've had no problems with them.
And it's actually been nice having them so close. When the boys were a little younger (they are now 16 & almost 13), they could stay at their house after school till we got home from work.
They are also my '2nd grocery' at times. If I'm making something and find I'm out of something, they've been gracious enough to let me borrow it!
I've also had to borrow their truck every now and then when mine has decided not to start.
So, everyone is different. Some may not get along with their parents or inlaws and shouldn't live so close. But we've had no problems (they have lived in front of us for 10 years now). Heck, we've gone days without actually seeing them or talking to them because we're so busy with our own lives.

 

[Redguard]

We just bought a house that's walking distance to my parents' house.

We're currently living with them until the house is done being built.

Living with them has only proven to be a challenge because:

1. We're living out of a bedroom and it's kinda cramped
2. My wife just has general problems sharing living space with people.

So any problems having to do with the "in-laws" doesn't have much to do with the fact that they're my parents or my wife's in-laws.

The benefits are great. They're more than willing to offer help and to watch our daughter if we want to go out. Same with my MIL, who lives in a neighbouring city.

 

[Mayzoo]

It would depend on the relationship of all the parties involved, esentially how adult everyone can be. We lived a few houses away from my in-laws for 5 years. They did not get into our marriage....because frankly they knew they were not welcome within the confines of our marriage--and to save themselves the grief, they abided by that boundry. We had some other issues--but not too many. It was not really a great blessing or terrible curse.

 

[Katakalupto]

We lived with my parents for 2 weeks after I had our daughter. I was really weak and couldn't stand on my own so they were a big help. My hubby was however confused by my father's incessant need to try and feed him. We live within 15 minutes of my parents, and his mother now. It works out good. We have a little privacy, and they are there if we need them and vice versa.

 

[Rhododendron]

I talked to a friend of mine the other day who is moving back home to New Orleans to take a new job. When I asked him where was he going to live, he told me next door to his parents in one of their rental properties. I almost gasp when he said that and based on my own experience wanted to tell him not to do it.

You see shortly after Katrina my wife and I spent 4 months living next door to my parents. What I thought would be great because of the help we get with the kids became quite daunting. Living so close to my parents revealed a lot in my marriage to them, which in turn caused them to start passing their mean-well comments to us about different things from how my wife was handling the kids to issue about handling money. They meant no harm but caused harm because it made us change what we were doing as a married couple. Of course I listen to them because they were my parents. But I quickly realized that parents mean well but arent' always right.

Have you had the same experience when you live with your parents or close to your parents as a married couple? Or was your experience different from mine.

The first two and a bit years of our marriage were spent renting out my hubby's parent's basement. It wasn't a full basement suite either. There was no sink to cook and wash dishes, so any of that had to be upstairs in their kitchen, and going to the washroom would also happen upstairs. They were also always coming downstairs while we'd be having heated, angry discussions in our living room or bedroom, or making love in our bedroom, and they'd just know when to NOT come but come anyway (to talk to us or get us to help them with something) and add more frustration and strain on our marriage. (we also weren't treated like adults/a married couple. We were the "kids", so you could imagine the other issues and frustrations that would arise when we wanted to go our own way about things)They pretty much never gave us our space. They knew too much about our relationship. Too much to be comfortable with. If we ever get into trouble, I would rather take up a second job than move back in with family.

HAHA! This made me remember something. About a year ago before we bought our house, hubby and I were looking at places to rent, as we wanted to be free of the parent/child relationship living in the basement (and become real adults! LOL!) My MIL said "well the house across the street is for rent." My hubby was EXTATIC. Then my MIL and FIL were really excited. They were all like "YEAH, LETS PHONE THE PLACE, WOULDN'T THAT BE GREAT LIVING ACROSS THE STREET FROM EACH OTHER?" They were all watching me, and I really wanted to kill my husband for putting me in this spot LOL. I just said "I don't know, we'll see." Then when I finally had a chance alone with hubby, I said "there is NO WAY we're living across the street from them. I can live with living in the same town, but I REFUSE to live on their street, or anywhere within walking distance away. NO WAY. They will be in our faces ALL THE TIME. We argued and argued (me sensing the future that they WILL be in our faces if they're close by, and hubby defending his parents and thinking that would never happen)

Well.... his dad got a job on the other side of the country. His parents are now on the east coast, and hubby and I live about a days drive from the west coast. They still phone us and e-mail us almost every day. Imagine if they were any closer...

That was really long, sorry

 

[HeatherJay]

As a general rule, I'd say it's not the greatest idea. But, depending on the relationship, the definition of and compliance to boundaries, and the consideration shown to each other's seperate lives then I think it's possible that it can work out.

We spent several years living right next door to my parents (and renting from them, too) and it worked out wonderfully for us. They gave us our space, let us live our own lives, respected our family unit...and we did the same with them. They bought a new house a few years ago, but they still live less than 10 minutes away. Our relationship is still wonderful.

It all depends on the people involved.

 

[sweetsweetlivin]

HAHA! This made me remember something. About a year ago before we bought our house, hubby and I were looking at places to rent, as we wanted to be free of the parent/child relationship living in the basement (and become real adults! LOL!) My MIL said "well the house across the street is for rent." My hubby was EXTATIC. Then my MIL and FIL were really excited. They were all like "YEAH, LETS PHONE THE PLACE, WOULDN'T THAT BE GREAT LIVING ACROSS THE STREET FROM EACH OTHER?" They were all watching me, and I really wanted to kill my husband for putting me in this spot LOL. I just said "I don't know, we'll see." Then when I finally had a chance alone with hubby, I said "there is NO WAY we're living across the street from them. I can live with living in the same town, but I REFUSE to live on their street, or anywhere within walking distance away. NO WAY. They will be in our faces ALL THE TIME. We argued and argued (me sensing the future that they WILL be in our faces if they're close by, and hubby defending his parents and thinking that would never happen)

LOL!! That is a great story. I can totally picture an Everybody Loves Raymond episode.

Well, my husband and I just moved back INTO MY PARENTS' HOUSE-not next door or down the street. We have been here for 6 months now and can't believe its been this long already. My parents have been more than great (my husband agrees of course ), but because of several different factors. (1) We have been on our own for four years and they know first hand how much we have relied on God through that time. So they know when things do come up we will let God guide us, which means they don't feel responsible to tell us what to do. (2) They know and support our goals and dreams and know God's plans for us, so they don't try to tell us what their plans are for us. (3) They know its a temporary situation. My husband and I were just supposed to be visiting for 2 months before his military school started, however, his dates got changed and so we won't be leaving until July. And (4), we are considerate of each other. We are in Hawaii and our car is in Arizona, so we basically have nothing but clothes. But we juggle our schedules and the two vehicles that belong to my parents for everyone's work and appointments. We don't forget to say, "Please" and "Thank you." And we show them our appreciation often.

It amazes me because we have had roommates before and said we would never be in that situation again (especially with parents) because things were just better with our privacy. But this is working so far !

 

[Glorianna]

We live just a mile down the road from DH's parents. It's been a great thing for us. They are very respectful of our time together and don't come over unless we invite them. We haven't had any problems with it. But I'm not so sure that I'd want to live next door to them.

 

[firestar]

We too lived with both sets of parents while waiting for our house to be built, and it was pretty bad. Right now we live about an hour away (driving distance) from both sets of parents and families and that's perfect. In laws are like hot sauce- there is too much of a good thing.

 

[Oblivious]

I would say it would depend on your relationship with your parents. If they are quick to judge than that's bad enough, but living with or next door to them would be horrible IMO.

I have a rule with my mother - I have always lived about an hour's drive away from her. That way it's too much of an effort for her to come over and nag me.

 

[ktreloar]

dh and i are currenlty renting the shed next to my inlaws house. we have a window a/c unit, but no heat...so its currently freezing in there. all of our belongings are in this shed....and it is a tiny shed without our stuff in it. we have no bathroom or kitchen or anything. so we have to go inside their house to use the bathroom.....and we don't eat their foor because they get mad if we do, but we can't keep our own food in their fridge because they'll eat it if we do. and we don't have our own fridge. they come into our shed without asking and just take stuff off of our table. our door doesn't lock. sometimes if we stay out late doing whatever, they will lock us out of their house with one of those hotel chain lock thingies, and then get mad when we call to ask them to please unlock the door. we are constantly getting lectured about how us being their is jeapordizing all of us because its very difficult for us to keep our small room clean when all of our stuff is in there. we try, but it can't always be spic and span. they're worried that the landlord (who is thepastor of the church next door) will kick us all out because our table is cluttered. luckily we're getting out of here soon because we've been able to save a bit of money and we're currently looking for an apartment somewhere far away from this house.

sooo.....no.. i wouldn't recomment living with inlaws....even if you already like them...because i loved my inlaws before now.

i won't even get started on why we'll never live with my parents.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Oh my....

We are considering moving to the same town as my in-laws....

I have considered this as well. I tell myself (if we do decide to do it) that I need to practice my boundaries anyhow and I have asserted them with mil a time or two. But I'm afraid it could be a big strain on our marriage.... But the benefits seem beneficial.. We'll see, we are still praying about it.

HB

 

[hisbloodformysins]

We just bought a house that's walking distance to my parents' house.

We're currently living with them until the house is done being built.

Living with them has only proven to be a challenge because:

1. We're living out of a bedroom and it's kinda cramped
2. My wife just has general problems sharing living space with people.

So any problems having to do with the "in-laws" doesn't have much to do with the fact that they're my parents or my wife's in-laws.

The benefits are great. They're more than willing to offer help and to watch our daughter if we want to go out. Same with my MIL, who lives in a neighbouring city.

See, I have complaints about my in-laws though it's really my husbands fault. And it's not really about them, but about my husband constantly wanting to take EVERYONES side over mine, and this doesn't only include his family, but people we know around here, at work and so forth, I don't feel general support from him and I think it could be an issue being around my in-laws.

My MIL likes to put in her 2 cents worth and gets involved in our problems too quickly, and I've boldly rebuked her for it ( you don't interject your opinion when the two people are arguing and angry.... esp. if your taking your "lil boy's side") My husband has even told her to stay out of it as well, you see she came to stay with us for a little while (I can't remember why, but it was to help us with the kids).

My MIL makes the mistake of comparing my husband to herself, and has made the mistake of comparing me to her husband. She complains about her husband all the time, and although I know she needs support, I have my doubts that she should be sharing those problems with my husband. Apparently she's always shared these problems with her children.... and my husband gets mad at his dad at times, though he started to be more understanding of what she does wrong as well since he himself had been married, and her main problem is that she just doesn't stay out. She doesn't stop speaking her mind... I know it's hard when she doesn't feel like she's being listened to, but she's said herself "if so & so would just listen to me, then they'd be ok" she really thinks she has the answer other people need. She has gotten better about staying out of our business since I've confronted her a couple of times... but I don't forsee it being perfect. But what I was saying earlier is that every success (or failure) my hubby has, she gives herself credit for. Even my hubby expressed annoyance over this. One time my hubby & I were arguing over a piddly thing about who remembered what correctly (and I was right, 90 % of the time I do remember details better than he does... but I'm a female too) and his mom pipes in "well, if he's like me, I have a great memory".. so basically she was taking his side, not even being there herself to know the truth ( and I was right by golly!) using the excuse that he is her son, and she has a good memory. I compliment this or that about my husband... and she says "Oh, he gets that from me....." And she does not think highly of his father, and it's come to light that his father and I have very similar ways... personalities and I've felt before that she judges me in light of him, almost like it's my husband and her and his dad and me.....

So those are the main issues. My MIL and I have also connected well though... we have the same taste in clothes (LOL, she's like in her mid 60's that's bad) and she's really blessed me and I think I've been good to her as well. What she does have going for her is the fact that she is a good christian woman and she's handled our conflict graciously, as far as I know, and there isn't any major resentments lingering between the two of us.

I guess my biggest concern is his dad... I've never seen his bad side... just heard about it.... but I won't put up with abusive behavior if that side decides to show. He'd get a surprise because I don't take that kind of stuff laying down... I'm not his family, that is for sure. But we've always had a good relationship... but I will stand up to him. Apparently he has some real anger issues.

But even more than that I'm concerned about feeling a worsened lack of support from my husband... that can contribute to the prejudices I may already have concerning "his" family, and "his" friends.

I know I'm sort of making this thread about me... I just wanted to share my feelings on this all because you brought up a topic that has been near my heart lately and if any of you have some input, I'd like to hear it. I hope you all don't mind.

HB