Moving in Before Marriage

[MentalSoliloquy]

My SO and I live in different countries...

We want to settle in one country but due to many issues surrounding us in terms of getting married and being financially secure for one of us to actually pick up and move is difficult.

The topic of moving in together before marriage arose...So that we could help each other in terms of money and getting around the country etc...

We've been quite good in terms of not giving into temptation (if we know we're alone...we'll have a bible near/in between us...) We've been together for over a year and never done anything other than kiss/hug...we're both determined to save ourselves till marriage.

Although we both agree that moving in before marriage is not something we want to do...we have to take it into consideration because we are spending over $4000 for each trip to visit each other...which hardly leaves us money to pay bills and get the bare necessities let alone save for our future together

Just wondering whether any of you could offer any advice?

 

[safari]

Maybe you could consider moving to the same country but in a seperate house near to your partner. At least then you would be near each other. Or perhaps you could move in together but sleep in seperate rooms.

 

[Talie]

Perhaps one or the other of you can stay with a friend or family member, rather than in the same house - seems a logical solution

 

[MentalSoliloquy]

thats the thing... the other person has no friends/family in the country

we only know each other (our family do not really approve of our relationship because we met online)

purchasing a house would cost a lot of money that we cannot afford on our own... especially considering we are still students.

 

[Talie]

purchasing? umm....ever heard of renting LOL

So are you planning on going there or he here? If you're going there - you're saying he has NO friends or family there? that would seem odd

and if he's coming here - i'm SURE YOU know someone he could stay with - i sincerely hope you're not just looking for an excuse.

There's also the option of finding shared accommodation - there are always other students around looking for someone to share the rent

 

[MentalSoliloquy]

He has plenty of friends and family over there, what i meant is he has NOBODY but me over here... and yes, he would be coming here

All my friends live with their family so NO I really don't know anybody he could stay with...I come from a strict background as do my friends and family...so if I even mentioned it to them I will be shot down with an instant...so no, Im not looking for an excuse... This is a serious concern which is why I came looking for advice...

purchasing, renting... either way, its expensive for people who make between $10 - 15 per hour and are part time at work, have bills to pay, car expenses, groceries etc...and even then...he will be coming here with NO JOB! He'll have to look for work, he hasnt finished school where as i have and i'm working in my field whilst completing a masters...he is younger than me by 2 1/2years so he has just started his course.

Shared accomodation is an option, but he'd have to be careful with who he was moving in with and what kind of lifestyle they lead, that may take time, where is he going to be in the meantime?

He'd also have a job in order to be able to pay for it...although i'd offer to pay for it till he finds it...*shrug*

Its just a very difficult situation and we did not realize how hard it would be because we just assumed that when it was time to settle down in one country we would be married

 

[jazzbird]

Living in different countries...that would be tough. Do the two of you know that you will marry each other? If so, is there a reason you cannot marry now? Obviously it may not be the ideal time, yet it seems like the best option you have if one of you is willing to move.

 

[Talie]

if you come from a strict background, surely your friends and family would want to help out rather than have the two of you live together - which i'm SURE they'd be against.

what are your own living arrangments at the moment?

 

[Wakeup2god]

Hope you don't mind me asking but where would he be coming from and where are you. Is there no one at your church who could put him up? Or is that part of the no-no factor?

 

[MentalSoliloquy]

I do not mind at all I am in Australia he is in the USA... I am still looking and praying to God to direct me to the right church...We are both new christians...

As I stated before, my family is AGAINST our relationship so me even continuing the relationship has caused several family problems.

I live at home with my family, however, I pay rent, I pay for my own food, bills, car, loan repayments, have my own phone line etc...BECAUSE of my decision to be with this man...

Yes, we want to get married...but like I said, we've yet to find a church to call home... unless we just get registered or something? I don't know.

 

[Talie]

I wonder if it would be worthwhile you sitting down with your parents and having a big discussion about this - without getting defensive about it - but being mature - I know it may be hard because clearly you believe they've already made up thier minds about this

Have you looked into the legalities of him living here? I'm not sure it's that easy for someone from the US to move here, particularly if they don't have a job lined up

 

[PurpleBunny]

Perhaps you might want to think about him coming over as a student? Then there's the option of him living in a dormitory on campus.

 

[Wakeup2god]

Interesting that you're both new Christians. This is a great chance for you to learn about seeking God, and about patience. Also about trusting the Lord. If He's in this relationship it'll happenSpeaking from experiance I'd say this to you. Stick it out for a while longer for the following reasons. 1, Make sure you're both moving in Gods will. 2, Prove moreso to your parents that you're serious. and 3, Seek God for guidance and vision. regarding your boyfriends employment.

Try not to look at it as a waste of time and money but more as an excercise n trust and obediance. You're both on opposite sides of the Pacific Ocean for a reason. God knows that it isn't just by chance or luck that you met.

 

[InTheFlame]

How about finding one or two christian flatmates to move out with? Is this an option? They'd provide a bit of a buffer between the two of you, and provide a bit of accountability.

 

[MentalSoliloquy]

Perhaps you might want to think about him coming over as a student?

He is...however, there are no dorms in Australia or none that I know of...but I know for sure there are none at the university he will be attending (because it is the one I attended and when I was looking to move out they didn't have any accomodation but suggested apartments/houses around the area)

How about finding one or two christian flatmates to move out with? Is this an option? They'd provide a bit of a buffer between the two of you, and provide a bit of accountability.

The Christians I know still live with their families...



Thank you for those pointers Wakeup2God, this made me feel much better, will do...

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Maybe just go around to a few churches and put something up on the noticeboard about him boarding for a few months?

Seeing you ARE from a LDR, I'd be VERY cautious going from seeing each other once every couple of months or so, straight into living together day in and day out, without all the other temptations coming in. You need time to get to know each other like a NORMAL couple, living in the same vicinity, without the added stressors of being flatmates. Especially seeing you are new Christians as well, and still 'finding your feet' with this whole Christianity thing, the last thing you want to do is put another temptation such as living together in your way (where you could find yourselves pulled closer together, but further away from God).

Try the boarding with church members for a little while. If you're trying to show your parents he's a great guy and worth their time and daughter - moving immediately out with him (when you haven't had a regular relationship as yet) is going to do the COMPLETE opposite of this!

God bless you though with your relationship - if you do as God wants you to do, and you listen to Him ABOVE everyone else (and this means REALLY listening, not just 'reading into things'), then you WILL make the right decisions here.

My opinion is - do not under any circumstances move in with him, and try to get him into a boarding situation with an older Christian couple that could possibly be good mentors for the two of you...

Sasch

 

[Jon_]

I do not mind at all I am in Australia he is in the USA... I am still looking and praying to God to direct me to the right church...We are both new christians...

As I stated before, my family is AGAINST our relationship so me even continuing the relationship has caused several family problems.

I live at home with my family, however, I pay rent, I pay for my own food, bills, car, loan repayments, have my own phone line etc...BECAUSE of my decision to be with this man...

Yes, we want to get married...but like I said, we've yet to find a church to call home... unless we just get registered or something? I don't know.

There isn't anything wrong with a legal marriage. I don't know how it works in Australia, but I'm sure the magistrates can arrange them. You can always have a ceremony later, if you really want.

I would say that unless you are determined that you want to get married that there is no way you should be moving in together. The temptation would be way too much. I don't have confidence in any two young, virile, steady romantic partners living together and abstaining from sin. I think it's nigh impossible.

You two should pray about it--a lot. And talk about it--a lot. If you feel that you are meant for each other and want to get married, then simply have a very small ceremony or just get registered and then you can move in together.

I strongly advise against it otherwise.

 

[doulos]

Hi, MentalSoliloquy,

I can really sympathize with your circumstances.

As the Scripture says, we must be careful of

Providing for honest things, not only in the sight of the Lord, but also in the sight of men (2nd Corinthians 8:21.)
​

This means that we must not give any wrong signals to those around us. First and foremost the Lord wants us to TRUST Him and FOLLOW Him. Whether you are going to marry this person or not is a question that you must solve before the Lord. If you are going to marry the person, you have to commit yourself for life. You both must be before the Lord for such a step. And if your are, ... then by all means get married. But don't move in together before. That would be sending the wrong signal to people around. And become vulnerable to temptation. All of us are.

My wife is Canadian. I am Spanish. Sure, by the time of our courtship she was living in England, not in Canada. But there were no low cost airlines then. Internet did not exist then (yea, I am a living fossil ) ... Telephone calls were prohibitive. It was letters, letters, and a very few visits.

So ... we were sure we were in the Lord's will, and got married at a civil ceremony in London with a commendation meeting after. We had at the beginning a condominium with only the most essential things ... Well ... that was 29 years ago this coming July. We are still happily married, serving the Lord together in Spain, and our six kids, 27 to 18, are all confessing the Lord and going about their lives in their different activities (one of them a trucker in Canada, the other five in Spain).

The Lord is quite powerful and sufficient, if we trust ourselves to Him.

I wish you the best in the Lord's leading and blessing,

Doulos

 

[Jerrysch]

My SO and I live in different countries...

We want to settle in one country but due to many issues surrounding us in terms of getting married and being financially secure for one of us to actually pick up and move is difficult.

The topic of moving in together before marriage arose...So that we could help each other in terms of money and getting around the country etc...

We've been quite good in terms of not giving into temptation (if we know we're alone...we'll have a bible near/in between us...) We've been together for over a year and never done anything other than kiss/hug...we're both determined to save ourselves till marriage.

Although we both agree that moving in before marriage is not something we want to do...we have to take it into consideration because we are spending over $4000 for each trip to visit each other...which hardly leaves us money to pay bills and get the bare necessities let alone save for our future together

Just wondering whether any of you could offer any advice?

One of you should find a same sex roommate in the same town as the other...fight the temptation to move in together....How will you tell your kids not to if you did...tough it out it is worth it I've been married ...29 years...it is worth it to wait...