Moving beyond friends.

[wolfiswill]

I hear a lot of guys and girls say that they want to date and marry their best friend. Why is it that when the guy, who has been friends with the girl for several years, tells the girl how he feels she says that she doesn't want to lose or risk their friendship. But when this guy or girl ends up dating someone else the friendship is going to change. Do most girls want to date a close guy friend or is the friendship too great to risk? Hope this isn't confusing but I have been wondering about this.

 

[Brutus/HisCatalyst]

I think that's a great question, because if it were not for her saying no, I'd probably have a wife by now.

I have a friend who I know in side and out. She is an awesome person and we've been friends since we met seven years ago. I love her very much, and I know it's love. But.....It's not the Eros love I'm seeking. God revealed to me that in some cases even though she is my best friend, it's only a phileo love.

I really wanted it to be more because the waiting is soooooooooooooooo tough some days. Some days I feel like forsaking my oath, because it just brings me too much pain waiting some days. That's how I know it's God working. The Christian walk is not going to be easy. I know it's God because just when I'm about to break the oath and start seeking my wife on my own, he makes me stop and see what waiting on his timing will be like.

I can only offer my Opinion, but if a guy and a girl are meant to be more than friends, it will be only because of God.

 

[mina]

I don't know because I do love my best friend, but he doesn't love me even though he acknowledges I'm one of his best friends and did want something more than friendship in the past. But now he has a girlfriend and I feel like our friendship is over and it really really hurts. All I know is that God is in control and that He is the one to trust in matters like these.

 

[Eagle_Wings]

With the way I work, I will only end up dating a close guy friend, I don't date guys I don't know. Now I know that to some of you, if not most, that seems backwards. I am constantly being asked, "How can you get to know the guy if you don't date him?" Easy....you be friends first, then you know if you really want to date him or not. Like Brutus, most times you'll find out the love you think you feel for that person is just a brotherly love and not an intimate one. This also helps save alot of friendships, how many friendships have you heard of breaking up because they dated and then decided it wouldn't work? Also saves alot of heartache in the long run, although it def is not the easiest choice to make at times!

 

[carmi]

I hear a lot of guys and girls say that they want to date and marry their best friend. Why is it that when the guy, who has been friends with the girl for several years, tells the girl how he feels she says that she doesn't want to lose or risk their friendship. But when this guy or girl ends up dating someone else the friendship is going to change. Do most girls want to date a close guy friend or is the friendship too great to risk? Hope this isn't confusing but I have been wondering about this.

Because there is no rule. For each couple of friends who end up in marriage you might find a couple of friends who can't, who won't. Friendship is a kind of love but it friendly love is not always enough to want to be with that friend in a close relationship for the rest of your life.

I had to use the "arguement" that I don't want to risk the friendship as well. It was a case where I felt very friendly towards the guy but that was all there was to it. I could not make myself falling in love with him - just because he was falling in love with me. He was not like a total stranger to me because he was a good friend but yes, it would have effected my friendship with him. Because I would have been unable to date, not to mention marriage. It would have been like in the old days when parents arranged the marriage for their kids.

I was not seeing anybody else than or thereafter but in case the girl does date someone else it would effect the friendship as well. She would spend more time with her romantic partner. Not to mention that she might find herself in a compromising situation, dating one guy and hanging out a lot with another guy.

 

[fishstix]

I hear a lot of guys and girls say that they want to date and marry their best friend. Why is it that when the guy, who has been friends with the girl for several years, tells the girl how he feels she says that she doesn't want to lose or risk their friendship. But when this guy or girl ends up dating someone else the friendship is going to change. Do most girls want to date a close guy friend or is the friendship too great to risk? Hope this isn't confusing but I have been wondering about this.

I think that marrying one's best friend is the best possible situation. A husband and wife should be each other's best friend (after God of course) and if they are already best friends beforehand, that sets everything off to a good start. The thing is though, it is possible to have more than one really close friend - some people even have more than one person of the opposite gender who they consider to be a best friend. Obviously they can't marry all of them. Also, friendships change over time. While some people find their best friend at a young age and remain best friends for life, other people have different best friends at different times in their life. Again, they can't marry all of them. So not all best friendships with the opposite gender are destined for marriage - even for those people who intend to and eventually do end up marrying their best friend.

If someone's best friend tells them that he/she doesn't want to risk losing the friendship it means that he/she has either already decided that that relationship is not destined for more than friendship or that he/she just isn't sure yet. If that person does stick to his/her ideal of marrying his/her best friend, then eventually, when he/she feels that the right best friend *and* the right time have come, he/she will agree to take that particular relationship further. Just because someone is one of his/her best friends does not mean that they are that particular best friend who he/she will decide to marry.

A best friendship is indeed a huge thing to risk. Losing a best friend can be just as hard as losing a boyfriend/girlfriend. The phrase 'just friends' is actually somewhat misleading - friendship is an extremely important and valuable relationship. And yes, the decision to date or not to date a best friend will probably change the friendship somewhat - regardless of the decision. And the decision to date someone else will likely also change the friendship. The thing is, most people realize that choosing to date and then ending up breaking up is the choice that has the best chance of most effectively damaging or even destroying the friendship. People have seen too many romantic relationships end with the couple breaking up and one or both refusing to even talk with each other, and even more with the couple intending to go back to being friends but finding it too awkward or difficult.

Saying no to the offer of romance right away will probably make things awkward for a while, but likely not as badly as a failed romance would. Choosing to date and even marry someone else will likely result in a transfer of some time, energy, and attention away from the best friend, but probably not to the degree that a failed romance would. So someone who plans to date and marry their best friend is probably going to be really careful not to pick the wrong best friend to date and will choose to err on the side of caution - keeping a friendship of some kind rather than risking losing it entirely.

If you've been turned down by a best friend, all is not lost. You still have that best friendship. And you have a good chance of keeping a good friendship for life, even if your friend ends up marrying someone else. That friendship is worth something - quite a lot in fact. Don't dismiss it as unimportant just because it doesn't look like it will ever become anything more.

 

[augimatic]

maybe, love works on levels or maybe love has to grow. I'm in no way a pro at this, God can testify to that. But maybe Love has to start out as a "friendship" or philio love and then grow into the romantic kind or eros. And maybe some people don't see it that way but those people, so it seems have a tendency to NOT have their relationships work. For the record, if a girl says "I don't want to risk the friendship," what she's really saying in my humble opinion is "I don't like you and don't want to hurt your feelings." Just a thought.

 

[Larry Chi Sing Lai]

I think that marrying one's best friend is the best possible situation. A husband and wife should be each other's best friend (after God of course) and if they are already best friends beforehand, that sets everything off to a good start. The thing is though, it is possible to have more than one really close friend - some people even have more than one person of the opposite gender who they consider to be a best friend. Obviously they can't marry all of them. Also, friendships change over time. While some people find their best friend at a young age and remain best friends for life, other people have different best friends at different times in their life. Again, they can't marry all of them. So not all best friendships with the opposite gender are destined for marriage - even for those people who intend to and eventually do end up marrying their best friend.

If someone's best friend tells them that he/she doesn't want to risk losing the friendship it means that he/she has either already decided that that relationship is not destined for more than friendship or that he/she just isn't sure yet. If that person does stick to his/her ideal of marrying his/her best friend, then eventually, when he/she feels that the right best friend *and* the right time have come, he/she will agree to take that particular relationship further. Just because someone is one of his/her best friends does not mean that they are that particular best friend who he/she will decide to marry.

A best friendship is indeed a huge thing to risk. Losing a best friend can be just as hard as losing a boyfriend/girlfriend. The phrase 'just friends' is actually somewhat misleading - friendship is an extremely important and valuable relationship. And yes, the decision to date or not to date a best friend will probably change the friendship somewhat - regardless of the decision. And the decision to date someone else will likely also change the friendship. The thing is, most people realize that choosing to date and then ending up breaking up is the choice that has the best chance of most effectively damaging or even destroying the friendship. People have seen too many romantic relationships end with the couple breaking up and one or both refusing to even talk with each other, and even more with the couple intending to go back to being friends but finding it too awkward or difficult.

Saying no to the offer of romance right away will probably make things awkward for a while, but likely not as badly as a failed romance would. Choosing to date and even marry someone else will likely result in a transfer of some time, energy, and attention away from the best friend, but probably not to the degree that a failed romance would. So someone who plans to date and marry their best friend is probably going to be really careful not to pick the wrong best friend to date and will choose to err on the side of caution - keeping a friendship of some kind rather than risking losing it entirely.

If you've been turned down by a best friend, all is not lost. You still have that best friendship. And you have a good chance of keeping a good friendship for life, even if your friend ends up marrying someone else. That friendship is worth something - quite a lot in fact. Don't dismiss it as unimportant just because it doesn't look like it will ever become anything more.

I really enjoy reading your post that is so great for guiding everyone to think the issue with God's way.

God bless you and keep going. Yeah!

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

Mina, I'm sort of in the same boat. It's a bummer.

 

[Glorianna]

I hear a lot of guys and girls say that they want to date and marry their best friend. Why is it that when the guy, who has been friends with the girl for several years, tells the girl how he feels she says that she doesn't want to lose or risk their friendship. But when this guy or girl ends up dating someone else the friendship is going to change. Do most girls want to date a close guy friend or is the friendship too great to risk? Hope this isn't confusing but I have been wondering about this.

I think that if I was in that situation, I would definitely want to see if it would work but I wouldn't want to risk losing the great friendship. It's a hard situation.

 

[PurpleBunny]

I had a very close friend tell me once that the reason he never dated me back when I had feelings for him was 'cause if he did, he knew he'd end up marrying me and he wasn't ready to settle down yet! Soooo... sometimes it might feel like the right time for you, but it might not for them and that's what they mean by saying that they don't want to risk the friendship. It's more a "not ready" or "not interested" than a "don't want to risk friendship" ... it's guy/girl-code or something like that (I never figured it out--I just went and found someone else).

 

[the_man]

I think it would be wise not to be 'best friends' with persons of the opposite sex for the confusion (and possible heart ache) it could bring. When people say they want to marry their best friend, they usually mean they want (as part of the relationship) the intimacy of friendship like no other (rightly so).

(tangent) I think there are levels of intimacy that should be left to a marriage relationship that are obvious (generally speaking) in the physical arena but not so obvious in the relational arena. I think there are levels of intimacy in this relational area that can easily be breached in a 'best friend' relationship that can cause pain similar to the kind experienced when physical intimacy is breached. (tanget off)

I have many female friends, some I would call aquaintances, some actual friends. I wouldn't call any of them my best friend (neither would I call my wife my best friend, because the title of wife (or husband to those it applies to) implies all one needs to know of such a persons relationship to me (least of which is infinitely more than a friend).

 

[Thithy]

OK, first I would like to say that I really liked what Fishstix said.
Now, I'm going to add in a tidbit.

I have a guy friend, one that I would consider a best friend. We've known eachother for over 5 years. We tried dating last year, because we thought it could work. We even talked about the possibility of breaking up, and how we still wanted to be friends, no matter what happened. In fact it took us quite some time to actually take it to the "next level" of being more than friends. Well, about 4 months into it, we realized it wasn't working. So we broke up. Luckily, I can still say he's one of my best friends. I think it helps that we have always lived far apart from each other. all through high school he lived 2 hours away ( I think that might be another reason we decided the relationship wasn't working, because of the distance), and now we live almost 8 hours apart. We still talk a bunch, and get together every chance we can.

We decided that it wasn't right, at least not then. Who knows, maybe someday it will be more, but I have no idea. I would like to one day marry a guy I consider my best friend. I don't know if I have to date someone who is my best friend, but they have to be my friend first. Everytime I try dating someone who I wasn't friends with it has never worked. Not only has it not worked, but it has ended up somewhat badly.

If one does decide to turn a friendship into something more, just be careful. It can go 3 ways, the friendship breaks apart, the friendship stays the same, or the friendship becomes closer. Lucky for me, I had the latter of the 3.

Just pray about it, it's the best thing you can do. God will let you know when the time is right, and if the person is right.

 

[Grunt]

Well at the moment I'm not in the mood to philosophize about how love works or any of that, but I do know that just in the last 6 months I lost a best friend to a failed attempt at romance. It's not something I want to go through again without very good reason.

 

[fishstix]

maybe, love works on levels or maybe love has to grow. I'm in no way a pro at this, God can testify to that. But maybe Love has to start out as a "friendship" or philio love and then grow into the romantic kind or eros. And maybe some people don't see it that way but those people, so it seems have a tendency to NOT have their relationships work. For the record, if a girl says "I don't want to risk the friendship," what she's really saying in my humble opinion is "I don't like you and don't want to hurt your feelings." Just a thought.

While sometimes she may mean "I don't like you romantically", it would be very unlikely that she would mean "I don't like you period" as if she didn't like the guy at all in any way then they wouldn't be best friends in the first place. Some people do mean precisely what they say though - they really don't want to risk the friendship.

 

[chanis]

I can say from experiance that it's hard when your best friend really likes you...I'm in a similar situation...I have been friends with him for 7 yrs and just recently he expressed his feelings for me and i don't feel the same way...I think if you can find someone whom you can be awesome freinds with and there is attraction on both parts why not...communication is key and usually good freinships have communication as a foundation...I personally would want someone I can communicate openly with...

 

[wolfiswill]

Thanks guys. This has been really helpful. I talked with one of my friends about this two weeks ago. She isn't attracted to me like I am to her. Instead of complaining that this is never going to go beyond friends I am thankful for the friendship that we have and the freedom that we can be honest with each other. One thing that bothers me is guys who like girls, yet when they find out that the girl feels differently they run and the friendship is no more. I believe that is purely selfish.

 

[Cordelia]

Thanks guys. This has been really helpful. I talked with one of my friends about this two weeks ago. She isn't attracted to me like I am to her. Instead of complaining that this is never going to go beyond friends I am thankful for the friendship that we have and the freedom that we can be honest with each other. One thing that bothers me is guys who like girls, yet when they find out that the girl feels differently they run and the friendship is no more. I believe that is purely selfish.

I'm glad to hear you still have the friendship - I've lost more than one good guy friend who wanted to be more than that, whereas I didn't. They drifted away, leaving me worrying that they only ever saw me as a potential girlfriend/wife, which really hurt! It sounds like a great friendship you've got with her The way I see it is that if you're meant to court a friend at some point, you will, if you're truly honest and respectful to each other.

 

[the_man]

One thing that bothers me is guys who like girls, yet when they find out that the girl feels differently they run and the friendship is no more. I believe that is purely selfish.

In defense of those guys, sometimes, it is the very friendship that attracted you to this person to want more. Why stay in it if it is going to only make you long for a person you know you can't be with? It could as well be viewed as selfish for one person to want the frienship when it is not healthy for the other.

Really, it depends on the situation and the individuals.