Moved from Christian Advice - I can't help my family...

[Lee M]

I am not a Christian and I am not the least bit interested in being a Christian but I think maybe I could still learn something from you all by presenting you with this real life problem I've run into because it involves my Christian family and I want to help them but I don't know how.

My Mother is deeply worried about me, she doesn't know if she can hold on for me much longer, her hope for me to be saved is flickering. She believes that I am on my way to a devastating hell. She sent my previous pastor a plea for help that I happened to see and in it she expressed that she was losing hope for me to be saved and she was asking him to keep praying for me. This broke my heart and I really really hate what this religion is doing this to her, I hate that it's hurting her, it makes me so angry that this thing is inflicting so much pain on my mother and I can't help her see what I see. can't take her pain away. I want to take away her fears but I can't, I can't change what she honestly believes and her beliefs cause her great pain.

My sister sent me a message full of anger and regret, chastising me for being this messed up and this selfish and this ignorant, all the while claiming her love for me, she's scared i'm on my way to a hell.

I want to help my family, I want to help my mother and ease her pain but I can never be a Christian again because I see what it is and they do not see it yet and I don't really believe I can ever help them see it.

I just want to help my family It hurts me so much to see them so afraid and full of pain. I just want to help my family... but I don't know how. I am not interested in taking away or destroying their beliefs, I wouldn't ever try to do that to them, I just don't want to see them hurting this way.

I have considered lying to them and acting like a Christian just to take away their pain, I mean none of this matters to me anyway, I think I could stomach the dishonesty if it gives my mother peace in her later years though I don't know if I could actually pull it off. I really just want to help them be at peace... this pain in them makes me so angry at what's doing it and hurts me very much.

 

[dannyz7]

Have you done an honest investigation and interest in Christianity? If not, why not say that you are going to do that, and then actually do it?

 

[Lee M]

Yes I have and no I am not willing to go there again. I do not say that to be rude, we just don't need to go there. I am trying to be kind here and I don't want to end up listing all the reasons I am not one because it will just anger, depress and confuse the people here.

 

[amandatea]

Tell your mother and sister that they are not in control of whether or not you are Christian. If they have done their best to be a positive example in your life, their hands are clean of you. I know how they feel because none of my family besides maybe my mom and my sister are anywhere near being Christian, but we only have control over one person and that is our self. All we can do for others is to love them, be an example and pray for them.

 

[Lee M]

But they believe I am going to burn one day, I'm not sure addressing the issue of entitlement and control will help the real issue. They do actually have some control issues but I can deal with that, it's their fear that I am bothered by because that is what hurts them.

 

[Lee M]

Tell your mother and sister that they are not in control of whether or not you are Christian. If they have done their best to be a positive example in your life, their hands are clean of you. I know how they feel because none of my family besides maybe my mom and my sister are anywhere near being Christian, but we only have control over one person and that is our self. All we can do for others is to love them, be an example and pray for them.

btw I really appreciate the kindness you put into this response. Thank you

 

[FidelisEnAbsentis]

Are you harboring any fear yourself? Is there a nagging doubt in the back of your mind that they might be right? Coz no offense but if you choose to live like there is no God...you'd better be right.

But that being said...if you aren't concerned about going to hell. Then their fear is of no concern to you. Its their issue. My mom is afraid I'll never amount to anything...but I'm a grown woman with a house, three cars, a great job and a husband who loves me. I feel like I've amounted to alot! Moms fear for their children over all kinds of things. So if you trully believe in your heart that she doesn't have anything to be concerned about. I wouldn't worry about it.

 

[Spunkn]

Christians should worry about non-saved people and do our best to tell them about Jesus and Christianity, however we shouldn't force it on to people. They have to be willing to listen to it, and be open about it. If someone has made up their mind, then the more we push, make that person feel guilty, the further away it will push them.

It is not your mother's responsibility to force you to be saved / believe in Christianity. She can be worried about you, and care about you, that's what mothers do. But ultimately it's not in her power to decide whether or not you are saved. That's between you and God. Perhaps you could tell your mother that if God wants you to be saved, He will help you come to that place, even though you don't believe it will ever happen. She should trust in Him, and the responsibility is not hers.

 

[Lee M]

Are you harboring any fear yourself? Is there a nagging doubt in the back of your mind that they might be right? Coz no offense but if you choose to live like there is no God...you'd better be right.

But that being said...if you aren't concerned about going to hell. Then their fear is of no concern to you. Its their issue. My mom is afraid I'll never amount to anything...but I'm a grown woman with a house, three cars, a great job and a husband who loves me. I feel like I've amounted to alot! Moms fear for their children over all kinds of things. So if you trully believe in your heart that she doesn't have anything to be concerned about. I wouldn't worry about it.

She's hurting, that's what bothers me... she really is. No hell does not concern me.

 

[GenetoJean]

Lee, my heart goes out to you. I dont really have a suggestion for you unfortunately. I do believe in fake it till you make it and if that happens to be faking Christianity and you never make it then you can stop when it isnt a problem anymore.

I really appreciate you concern for your mother though.

 

[Lee M]

Since I posted that I've come to the conclusion that lying would be disastrous, they'd eventually know and I do love them too much to just lie to them over and over and over... and it would immortalize my sin and dishonesty, the entire ordeal would become an instance of deception, my good efforts would be seen through abuse and false hood. It wouldn't work, they would feel used and betrayed and tricked. They wouldn't trust me again. It would be a knife in the back at their most vulnerable of times... when they've become happy again. It would probably make their relief from this pain impossible.

 

[GenetoJean]

Since I posted that I've come to the conclusion that lying would be disastrous, they'd eventually know and I do love them too much to just lie to them over and over and over... and it would immortalize my sin and dishonesty, the entire ordeal would become an instance of deception, my good efforts would be seen through abuse and false hood. It wouldn't work, they would feel used and betrayed and tricked. They wouldn't trust me again. It would be a knife in the back at their most vulnerable of times... when they've become happy again. It would probably make their relief from this pain impossible.

I really respect that.

 

[The Fire Rises]

How often do they bring up this subject, every time they see you or just occassionally? I couldn't imagine how awkward Thanskgiving dinner would be with that subject hanging in the air

I respect your decision, and they should too. We were all given free will, and you have every right to exercise it as you see fit. After all, if God forced His love upon us, would it really be love at all?

They need to understand that if you've made up your mind, which it sounds like you have, pestering you with this won't help anyone. Perhaps tell them that if they really care about you, they will respect your choice, because as adult you're more than capable of making your own decisions, even if that decision has eternal ramifications.

 

[seeingeyes]

My Mother is deeply worried about me, she doesn't know if she can hold on for me much longer, her hope for me to be saved is flickering. She believes that I am on my way to a devastating hell. She sent my previous pastor a plea for help that I happened to see and in it she expressed that she was losing hope for me to be saved and she was asking him to keep praying for me. This broke my heart and I really really hate what this religion is doing this to her, I hate that it's hurting her, it makes me so angry that this thing is inflicting so much pain on my mother and I can't help her see what I see. can't take her pain away. I want to take away her fears but I can't, I can't change what she honestly believes and her beliefs cause her great pain.

Your mother's 'hope' sounds a lot more like fear. I can't really blame you for not wanting to follow some scaredy-god who turns people into quivering jelly blobs. Believe it or not, but that is not what Christ died for.

Though it's tough to say what you can do about that. If she chooses to cling to her fear, you certainly can't stop her. Your best bet is probably to lead by example, in love.

 

[Lee M]

Yes she is very afraid.

I have this overwhelming desire to say something or do something... but I think I just have to leave it alone and let her manage it on her own now. I'm a grown man and she's my parent even and sometimes people have to go through a process or they will never learn or grow. It just sucks when you want to protect and rescue your family but how can you when it's a belief that's doing it? and I've realized that you can't just change what you believe, changes in belief require massive renovations of our intellect and perception, it requires a massive amount of new information to be processed. I can't even change my own beliefs by choice alone, much less someone elses. They have to be surrendered to the process. Sort of like when Paul said to surrender a man to Satan for the destruction of his flesh so that his soul might be saved on that day.

 

[Lee M]

How often do they bring up this subject, every time they see you or just occassionally? I couldn't imagine how awkward Thanskgiving dinner would be with that subject hanging in the air

I respect your decision, and they should too. We were all given free will, and you have every right to exercise it as you see fit. After all, if God forced His love upon us, would it really be love at all?

They need to understand that if you've made up your mind, which it sounds like you have, pestering you with this won't help anyone. Perhaps tell them that if they really care about you, they will respect your choice, because as adult you're more than capable of making your own decisions, even if that decision has eternal ramifications.

I haven't talked to them much lately, that probably doesn't help. Leaving them to wonder and ponder about me without me. Only my sister talks to me about it, I've only talked to my Mother about it once and it really upset her. She had emotions that ranged from sadness for me to being selfishly angry at me, she hasn't spoken to me directly about it since.

It doesn't help than when I do talk about Christianity it get very upset very quickly. It takes a lot of regard and control on my part to discuss Christian beliefs and ideas without becoming emotionally involved and vengeful.

 

[seeingeyes]

Yes she is very afraid.

I have this overwhelming desire to say something or do something... but I think I just have to leave it alone and let her manage it on her own now. I'm a grown man and she's my parent even and sometimes people have to go through a process or they will never learn or grow. It just sucks when you want to protect and rescue your family but how can you when it's a belief that's doing it? and I've realized that you can't just change what you believe, changes in belief require massive renovations of our intellect and perception, it requires a massive amount of new information to be processed. I can't even change my own beliefs by choice alone, much less someone elses. They have to be surrendered to the process. Sort of like when Paul said to surrender a man to Satan for the destruction of his flesh so that his soul might be saved on that day.

Your impulse to protect your mother is an excellent one, though. Don't let go of that.

As a day-to-day practical matter, perhaps the two of you could do a Bible study, nothing heavy, just read through one of the Gospels a couple of chapters at a time, then let her wrap it up with the Lord's prayer. Her 'hope' is rekindled, fear is momentarily assuaged, and you may learn something about how she sees Jesus (and how Jesus saw the Father.)

 

[Lee M]

But I don't really want to rekindle her hope that I'll be saved... because I don't want to be. I want her to be at peace.

 

[seeingeyes]

But I don't really want to rekindle her hope that I'll be saved... because I don't want to be. I want her to be at peace.

Who knows whether you will be saved or if she will? I'm just saying you should spend some time with her on what interests her. Love covers a multitude of sins.

 

[Lee M]

I am just afraid it will end with her disappointment and depression. It would allow her hopes to rise, only to see them fall again and probably lower. I already know all I need to about Christianity, that's a closed book for me. My mother is my concern here, not Christianity. But I like your ideas!