Yikes...This is a tough day for me..Actually the whole weekend is tough..My mother figure died almost 2yrs and 10 months ago and my real mother died a yr ago last Christmas Eve. Mother's Day was a rough day because it was the day I literally forced myself to be kind to my mother even though that kindness wasn't often returned. About 13yrs ago I was blessed with a wonderful lady in my life. She mentored, she prayed, she gave hugs and kisses on the cheek freely, and she always encouraged and complemented me. I grew to call her "momma" and she called me her "precious". So facing mother's day is really hard. I'm just full of all kinds of mixed emotions and feelings.
Then there's the 12th. I was born on my parent's anniversary and though birthdays weren't a celebration in our house, the fact that I was born on the anniversary and the day before mother's day, made it memorable. Last year I spend my birthday at my mother's grave with my dad. The whole time I remember I wanted to just burst out in a full run across the graveyard to the side where my "momma" sleeps. I wanted to be giving her the pretty flowers, not my mother. Not the reason I walk around with dents in my head and glitches in my thoughts. But I didn't, I spent the whole day being depressed with my dad.
The last time my birthday fell perfectly on the day before mother's day, my real mother baked me a cake and made a big deal out of my birthday. Perhaps she was trying to make up for all those years. When I remember her, I try to remember her as the lady down the road who suffered from diabetes. I used to try to help out with the cooking and cleaning and errands. The only thing that kept me going was to distance myself from her and make her into a neighbor and not my abuser. It helped. It gave me some sense of sadness with her passing.
Still, every single day I miss my "momma ".. She was the one who told me she loved me. She was the one who always welcomed me. If I messed up she would still accept me. I always went out of my way to make her birthday and her mother's day special.
She was my "momma" and I really miss her, especially on mother's day.
Then there's the 12th. I was born on my parent's anniversary and though birthdays weren't a celebration in our house, the fact that I was born on the anniversary and the day before mother's day, made it memorable. Last year I spend my birthday at my mother's grave with my dad. The whole time I remember I wanted to just burst out in a full run across the graveyard to the side where my "momma" sleeps. I wanted to be giving her the pretty flowers, not my mother. Not the reason I walk around with dents in my head and glitches in my thoughts. But I didn't, I spent the whole day being depressed with my dad.
The last time my birthday fell perfectly on the day before mother's day, my real mother baked me a cake and made a big deal out of my birthday. Perhaps she was trying to make up for all those years. When I remember her, I try to remember her as the lady down the road who suffered from diabetes. I used to try to help out with the cooking and cleaning and errands. The only thing that kept me going was to distance myself from her and make her into a neighbor and not my abuser. It helped. It gave me some sense of sadness with her passing.
Still, every single day I miss my "momma ".. She was the one who told me she loved me. She was the one who always welcomed me. If I messed up she would still accept me. I always went out of my way to make her birthday and her mother's day special.
She was my "momma" and I really miss her, especially on mother's day.
Be kind to yourself, and my thoughts will be with you on those days.
