Mort's Got Jokes

[E. Mortimer]

Jesus, Moses, and a stranger get together for a game of golf.

First up is Moses. He swings and the ball lands in a pond. Moses sighs at his rotten luck, walks to the pond, raises his hand, and the waters part so that he may walk down and chip the ball out where it then lands in the hole.

Then Jesus takes his swing and the ball heads for the same pond, but instead of landing in the water it lands on a lily pad. So Jesus casually walks across the water and chips the ball off the pad and sinks it right into the hole.

And then the stranger takes a swing. The ball soars high into the air and heads straight for the same pond. Just as it seems as if it is about to land in the pond, a toad jumps up and snags it in its mouth. But before the toad can even land back in the pond, an eagle swoops down and snatches the toad in its talons and carries it away into the air. The toad is so surprised that it spits the ball out. The ball lands on a roof where it proceeds to roll down until it hits the gutter. From the gutter, it rolls smoothly down to the ground and into the shell of a sleeping turtle. The turtle immediately pops out of its shell with the ball in its mouth and proceeds to very slowly walk it over to the flag and drop it in the hole for a hole in one.

Moses looks over at Jesus and says, "Man, I hate playing with your dad."

 

[E. Mortimer]

A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist are enjoying a leisurely fishing trip on a small boat just off the coast of a small lake. The atheist decides that he is hungry and so he pulls out his lunch.

"Oh drat," the priest replies. "I forgot my lunch in my car."

And so he stands up and casually walks across the water and to the land to grab his lunch. The atheist's eyes are wide in amazement as he watches this, but when he looks over at the rabbi, he sees that he does not appear to believe anything is out of the ordinary.

The priest returns with his lunch and they carry on with some small talk. The atheist drifts away from the conversation as he wonders at this apparent miracle that the priest just performed. And then he says, "You know, I left my lucky bobber in my car. I think I'll go get it."

Before anyone can say anything, the atheist stands up, steps outside of the boat with confidence, and splashes into the water. When the rabbi starts laughing, the priest sighs and says, "You didn't tell him about the stepping stones, did you?"