An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!" The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."
The Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "Those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines. Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort.
Both Marines dragged the Gater to shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.
One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Rats, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'".
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."
He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
" A blonde goes by an eletronic store when she notices a TV in the front window. She needed
a new TV, it had lots of buttons, looked nice and was selling for $216. So she goes in and asked for the
TV in the front window but the salesman said "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." So she just stormed out.
She really wanted this TV so overnight, she dyed her hair red. She came in and asked for the TV in the
front window. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." came the reply. By this time she was desperate so she
goes home and shaves off her hair. She goes in and asks for the TV in the front window but the salesman
just goes, 'We don't sell to blondes.' 'How do you know I'm a blonde. I dyed my hair red, and then I even
shaved it off, and you still know I'm a blonde. HOW?" "There are only microwaves in the front window."
A man was enjoying a drink at the bar when an exceptionally gorgeous young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said,
"Paint my house."
* This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please." A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."
* Teeing Off
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance of hitting her from here."
* For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:"You are not getting older, You are just getting better." Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said,"Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
The Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "Those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines. Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort.
Both Marines dragged the Gater to shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.
One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Rats, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'".
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."
He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
" A blonde goes by an eletronic store when she notices a TV in the front window. She needed
a new TV, it had lots of buttons, looked nice and was selling for $216. So she goes in and asked for the
TV in the front window but the salesman said "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." So she just stormed out.
She really wanted this TV so overnight, she dyed her hair red. She came in and asked for the TV in the
front window. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." came the reply. By this time she was desperate so she
goes home and shaves off her hair. She goes in and asks for the TV in the front window but the salesman
just goes, 'We don't sell to blondes.' 'How do you know I'm a blonde. I dyed my hair red, and then I even
shaved it off, and you still know I'm a blonde. HOW?" "There are only microwaves in the front window."
A man was enjoying a drink at the bar when an exceptionally gorgeous young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said,
"Paint my house."
* This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please." A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."
* Teeing Off
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance of hitting her from here."
* For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:"You are not getting older, You are just getting better." Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said,"Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
