Morbid child

[meg324]

My son is 4 years old and is increasingly obsessed with death. We have talked about Jesus and heaven and all sorts of things. He asked me if he could go see Jesus. So i told him that Jesus was with us like an angel that he couldn't see, but when we died, we'd get the see Jesus. I don't know if this started it or not...
A few weeks ago, he wanted to go to an amusement park, and I told him that he couldn't go b/c I couldn't take his baby sister on the rides and his dad was at work, so he couldn't go with him. Well, he told me I could drop him off and come get me later. This started a horrible discussion about kidnapping, and it ended up with both of us crying. I had to explain to him that kidnappers were bad, they could kill him and death meant he wouldn't be able to see us again. In the last few weeks he keeps asking me when can he die. I told him in a long long LONG time because he has to stop all the bad guys from committing crimes (he wants to be a cop). I also told him that I would miss him if he died and to please not think about dying b/c it makes me sad. So then he asks me if we could all die TOGETHER. ugh.
I don't know what to do!
Today, I was feeding my daughter who is 10 months old. He started freaking out b/c she was eating a cracker and he said "she could choke and die!"... which that's probably my fault b/c I kept telling him not to let her play with his tpys b/c she could choke.. which he seemed ot think that was OK so again we had to have another discussion about WHY it wasn't OK and he didn't seem to "get it" until I told him that it would mean she'd stop breathing and if you stop breathing you die. I know that sounds like I'm a bad parent, but he keeps asking questions and I'm not going to lie about it to him - especially when he may think my explanation is silly and could cause harm. In any case he freaked out about her feeding herself. I told him it was OK because I knew the food she was eating wouldn't choke her.
Last night, my daughter was laying on the floor taking a nap and he asked me if she was dead.
She was on the bed and he told me I had to get her off because she could fall and die.
Everything is a matter of life & death with him, and it's kinda freaking me out!
My friend's son is also 4 and he seems to be morbid, too.

I am not going to lie to my son about his questions. I may have embellished a little when he asked me about conception and childbirth (and if his baby sister had babies in her belly... that was tough...) but in general, i'm not going to lie to him about his questions in a life or death situation - or something else very important. I try to be as honest with him as possible, giving out only a little information until the questions stop.
With the kidnapper thing, I had to tell him that kidnappers would hurt him and I would be sad. He told me they would bring him back. I told him no they wouldn't. He said I could just go get him. I told him there were kidnappers there. He said there weren't. He said kidnappers are good people, I had to tell him no...things liek that. I didn't just say "no you can't go by yourself b/c a kidnapper might take you and you'll never see us again ebcause you'll be DEAD"... that would have been REALLY bad. I was trying to avoid it, but eventually it came down to that and he said "so you will have to be there to PROTECT ME"... and I said "YES!!! exactly why you can't go alone!!"
He got the point, but I think there was some damage done.

Is this normal for a young child to talk about this so often?
If you have encountered this, what did you do?
What would you do?
he's ALWYAS talking about going to heaven to see Jesus and to "hang out" with Jesus. He wants to die to go see Jesus... As sweet as it is, It's kinda bumming me out, ya know?


thanks for reading

 

[Mayzoo]

This sounds normal. Children between the ages of 4-6 begin to grasp the concept of death. They start asking questions, and may begin to have nightmares about death. All the questions and statements focused around death are his way of learning about death.

Try not to worry about the questions too much. He doesn't completely understand yet that death is forever. It is a difficult concepts to grasp. He will need a lot more time before he really understands. Don't let his coments about wanting to go to be with Jesus bother you. Explain to him that we all have a purpose here on Earth and Jesus won't be ready for him to join him until your son has completed all his purposes for being here. But yes, until then Jesus does live in his heart, so until he goes to be with Jesus in Heaven, Jesus is here with him on Earth.

 

[IslandBreeze]

I'm a grown woman, and I've lived with that kind of paranoia most of my life. Even though I know 100% I'm going to Heaven, death is terrifying to me. The process of dying and the thought of standing before God keeps me up some nights. I thought it was just me, but to be honest, I'm relieved to know I'm not the only one who struggles with thoughts like these. There's not a day that goes by that my heart doesn't skip a beat from me thinking about ceasing to exist. It's so finite, so permanent and then you go on to think about your family, their reaction, what they'd do with their lives after you're gone...I could go on and on about this. If somebody knows of a 'cure' for this or a way to stop this tormenting of myself, I'd love a PM or some encouragement. A lot of people have questioned my faith over this, but I don't think it's a faith issue, as I've struggled with it most of my life. I hope your little boy gets his questions answered and becomes comfortable with death and dying. Don't keep him from funerals. I've only been to 2 in my entire life, and I'm convinced that has something to do with my paranoia. Take him to visitations, funerals, memorial services, cemeteries to visit graves of family members...help him to understand it as best you can. I think that will help a lot!

 

[meg324]

islandbreeze, are you in my brain? I could have very easily written everything you just did!

I totally understand about the standing before God. I have failed several lie detector tests b/c I keep thinking "what if I forgot about..." - and I think the same with my life sometimes. It keeps me up at night on some occasions, but I have also struggled with depression and insomnia - not a good combination, LOL!! I have only gone to a few funerals in my life. I've been lucky enough to only have one person close to me die, and through that, the Lord gave me a strange peace. That is when my son started seeing angels (he was 2.5) and that's when I had to start explaining death to him... because it was a close family friend who died, and he considered him to be a grandparent. The fact that he saw angels comforted me and I actually haven't had paranoid thoughts since.... ok, not about death at least!!

I'm glad to know that my son is acting normally. Thank you so much for the insight (both of you!). I will definetly bring up that Jesus needs him on Earth to help out other people before Jesus wants him to go with him. He asked me once "why doesn't Jesus want me to be with him? he doesn't like me?"... oy... that's a tough question to answer, ya know?! I want him to be comfortable with death, but not TOO comfy with it... the last thing I need is a suicidal kid!!

Thanks again!! I appreciate it very much!
*big weight is taken off chest*

 

[HeatherJay]

LOL, I have a 5 year old who's been asking the same sorts of questions. And it all sort of started when we were explaining Easter to her...how Jesus died on the cross and then rose again. And that the reason that He did that was so that we could all be with Him in heaven when WE die. Well, it was on after that, lol.

I have this bad habit of saying "Man, I'm getting old." when I feel tired or if I notice a wrinkle or something. And she's so tuned in to it that everytime she hears me say that she asks me, "Mommy, are you going to die?" I really want her to understand that death is not something to be afraid of...and that even though people we love die that we'll get to see them again one day. But, I run into the same types of problems you're having. She asked me, "Do kids die?" And I had to tell her, "Yes, sometimes they do." So she asks me, "Well, am I going to die?" And what can I say but, "No, baby, not for a long, long time." "Well, how do you know?" Ugh!

I HATE having that discussion...I don't want to even think thoughts like that, but she really wants answers. I just try to answer the questions she has and then change the subject. I just hope that I'm not scarring her for life or something.

Anyway, I don't think I've helped you at all, but at least know that you're not alone.

 

[selune]

I think kids are also just plain curious. Death is so different and we don't deal with it on a daily basis. If kids see something in the news, it's generally some sensational story about death that is out of the ordinary. Islandbreeze is right that you shouldn't shield kids from death, if a friend or relative dies it is important for the child to know about things. The unknown is often so much scarier than what the truth is.

 

[bliz]

Meg, I am not suggesting that you lie to your child. I am suggesting that he does not need to be told everything you know about circumstances. He's only 4 and 4 year old brains do not work the same way adult brains work.

When he suggested that you drop him off at the amusement park you could have said "And let you have a good time there without me? No way! I enjoy seeing you have all that fun!" or even "No, not today." and skipped the whole discussion about kidnapping. You are not leaving him in situations where he could be taken. Why make him fearful of that remote possibiliy when you will not leave him alone?

My hunch is that all of these scenarios run through your mind, as they do through the mind of any good parent, but between depression, lack of sleep and worrying about the possibilities, your thoughts are going directly into comments you make to your son when it might be better to filter and edit them for 4 year old consumption.

I'm not suggesting that you should shield your son from reality, just give it to him in managable, child size pieces and packaged so he can deal with things in the best way possible. I clearly remember my first funeral. The father of a friend of my mom's. She met me at the door of the room, and took me by the hand to the casket. "That's not my Dad." she explained. "That's his body." He's in heaven with Jesus. I miss him but I know he's very happy to be wiht Jesus." The reality is that if someone kidnaps him, it will probably be to sexually abuse him... but there is nothing to be gained by telling him that and he could not possible begin to understand it. Leaving out information he cannot yet deal with or comprehend is not lying. It's loving.

 

[meg324]

bliz, thanks... I should have gone with the "and you go have fun without me?" thing. duh!
I guess what's done is done, though!!
Thank you all for letting me know I'm not alone, too
I love getting advice and hearing other people's responses, even if maybe I don't agree.... You never know when something will trigger an idea!!