Monster-in-law

[rivulet]

Does anyone have any advice for dealing with Mother-in-laws?

My MIL didn't want me to marry her son and she has been horrible to me. She has called me names, insulted me in public and gone out of her way to upset me. My husband is great and he stands by my side (advice given to him by our counselor).

She wrote a list of things she didn't like about me and took me out so she could share it with me. I have tried to find activities that we could do together. For example, we took a cake decorating class together... It was a disaster.

At one point she told my husband to choose between her and me. He didn't speak to her for 6months after that.

I know this can't be easy for my husband. We've been married for 5 years and it's just gotten worse and worse and worse. I'd rather be friends with her.

On another note, my Father-in-law is amazing. I love him and he's truly a nice guy. I can see how my husband turned out to be such a good man! My FIL has told my MIL that our disagreements are to do with her not accepting me as a part of the family and wanting me to change.

 

[Hetta]

Wow. What a situation!

I am both a D-I-L and a M-I-L but only became a M-I-L a few months ago. I have not always had a good relationship with my M-I-L and I am fortunate to have a husband like yours who has stood by me. I think I have worn my M-I-L down over time, but we don't spend a lot of time together and so that works best for us. I wouldn't do mom/daughter activities with her like you tried. But things have gotten better over the years.

Now when it comes to being a M-I-L I don't have the attitude that "nobody is good enough" for my son. I haven't always liked the girl who became my D-I-L but I wouldn't tell her so nor make a list. I have been welcoming and have loved her and only once, when she stepped over the line and interfered in our family business, did she see my claws. She had no choice but to apologize at that time, but this was long before they were engaged or married. Now that they are married, she is our "daughter" so far as we are concerned and we treat her as family.

As for advice, well, I have encouraged my dh to spend time with his parents alone so that they still have that parent/son bond. I have never aired my own feelings about my M-I-L to her, but only to my husband, and even then I have restrained myself with some of my thoughts. When he has spoken angrily about his parents, I have tried to moderate that and not encourage his anger. I have remained polite to both of my in-laws at all times, despite the internal eye roll. They have been good grandparents to our children, and so I have made sure they know that I value that. But I wouldn't let them bully me. If my M-I-L spoke rudely to me in public, I would simply walk away. But I wouldn't engage in any arguments. It is better to keep the upper-hand in my opinion, and that is best done by remaining cool and calm. However, you are not her punching bag, and disengaging from tense situations seems to me the best option. If a list is ever presented again, the best thing to do would be to calmly read it, say "I disagree" and hand it back. Then make your excuses and leave.

It seems a shame to me that your F-I-L is not able to do more than watch this behavior passively. I am glad for you that your husband has been pro-active on your behalf!

 

[rivulet]

As for advice, well, I have encouraged my dh to spend time with his parents alone so that they still have that parent/son bond.

My husband does this. Then the very next day, without fail, I get a nasty text or email from the MIL. I ignore these messages and just show them to my husband. He gets really mad at her. She has said she thinks there's something mentally wrong with me.

If feels like the wrong thing to just stop all communication and visits of any kind but I've pretty much had it.

And you're a better person than I am, I have a hard time no defending myself.

I respect my FIL... He has to protect his wife too.

 

[Hetta]

My husband does this. Then the very next day, without fail, I get a nasty text or email from the MIL. I ignore these messages and just show them to my husband. He gets really mad at her. She has said she thinks there's something mentally wrong with me.

If feels like the wrong thing to just stop all communication and visits of any kind but I've pretty much had it.

And you're a better person than I am, I have a hard time no defending myself.

I respect my FIL... He has to protect his wife too.

Has she said to you that she think there is something mentally wrong with you? Or to others?

You could always block her email address and phone! That way, she loses the power she has right now to upset you. I would seriously consider this.

In a perfect world, there would be something you could *do* to stop her, but unfortunately there is not. So, in that case, I would say that you can only be responsible for yourself and your responses, and cutting off her ability to hurt you will actually give you a lot of power. If someone else is carrying to you the thing she says about you, ask them to stop. Make it clear that you don't want to hear anything negative that is being said about you.

And tbh, if she cannot be polite to you in person, I would stay away. That's really difficult because you put her in a position where she can find things to say about you and you can't defend yourself, but again, there really is no defense against an irrational person. So, maybe staying away would help, at least for a while.

 

[Inaweoftruth]

Personally if I was in this situation, I would ask my husband to sit down with her and give her an ultimatum. Either she is kind and respectful to you or she does not need to be in either of your lives. You're his wife now and his first priority is you.

 

[Hetta]

While I agree that ultimatums can work, it's my opinion that they should be absolutely the last resort. Giving an ultimatum only works if you are willing to take those steps if the person refuses to abide by your ultimatum. If she refuses - as she probably will - then the husband has cut himself off from his mom. I would be worried that, over time, that may put a block between the husband and wife because even the best of spouses, even standing by her as he has done, I'm sure he still loves his parents and would be sad to lose touch with his mom completely and permanently. It also causes difficulties as to when he would see his dad. No doubt the mom would give ultimatums of her own such as: you must never see our son or ... So then the couple is also cut off from the dad too. I don't know, I mean it's something to consider of course, but I just would try cutting her off as much as possible first, and see how that process of disengagement works.

 

[rivulet]

Has she said to you that she think there is something mentally wrong with you? Or to others?

She has said it to me personally and said it to others in front of me and behind my back (some of which I found out from my husband found out from his brother).

Personally if I was in this situation, I would ask my husband to sit down with her and give her an ultimatum. Either she is kind and respectful to you or she does not need to be in either of your lives. You're his wife now and his first priority is you.

In this case, I don't think an ultimatum will work. She already resents me and this would just make that worse. Plus, he loves his parents and they aren't always going to be around for him.

He has talked with her many times but she feels that she is right and I'm wrong and nothing anyone says can change her mind. I even told her that I would be willing to go to family counseling with her so we can be a better family. I'm not saying that I'm 100% right all the time either. We clearly have some communication issues.

We want to have kids one day and I don't want it to be like this.

 

[Dave-W]

Rivulet - are you and your MIL both christians?

If yes - HOW committed are you both to following biblical mandates?

 

[mkgal1]

I know this can't be easy for my husband. We've been married for 5 years and it's just gotten worse and worse and worse. I'd rather be friends with her.

I've learned the difficult way that not all people want to be on good terms with others---they'd rather be like your MIL (trying to control and manipulate for their own advantage). I wouldn't waste any more time and energy on this (easy for me to say.....not as easy for you to follow....I know). I just have never seen anyone like this change.

Your husband's parent's dynamic sounds so much like a couple we knew. He was (still is) one of the most kind and thoughtful people I've known. His first wife was a lot like your MIL. He seemed to live his life cleaning up after her relational messes she'd made (she's passed away now). I wonder if that's the only way a person can live their life with someone like that (when there's no hope of them being the one to change)? Just learning how to navigate around it all?

Since your FIL is kind.....and you trust your husband (it sounds like).....I'd imagine that the two of you (you and your husband) will be able to set clear boundaries once you have children (things like, "there will be NO bad mouthing of my wife/their mother or we won't be able to visit any longer" and whatever else you feel comfortable with).....but I wouldn't hold out hope for her doing any changing. I also agree that maybe blocking her calls and e-mails so that communication is limited between your husband and them may be better for you.

 

[mkgal1]

She has said she thinks there's something mentally wrong with me.

That's a classic narcissistic accusation (but I'm sure you've observed where the deficit is).

 

[rivulet]

Rivulet - are you and your MIL both christians?

Yes, we're both Christians.

... but I wouldn't hold out hope for her doing any changing

I think you're right about that. I certainly can't expect her to change.

 

[Dave-W]

Yes, we're both Christians.

OK good. Did you see the other part of the question? (it was added later)

I am going to suggest a rather agressive approach to settling this. My wife and I had to do this in a smaller way with my own mom.

There is a book "Covenant Relationships" by Kieth Intrater. Get you each a copy and read it. It is based off of Matt 18.15-17 and applies the principle to a number of different situations. What we went thru was before that book was published but we did something similar and it resulted in my wife and mom getting along, even if they were not "close." It stopped the nonsense.

The book is available from amazon, barns and noble, and other places for about $12-$14 in paperback. Probably cheaper if you buy used.

She has sinned against you. Even if you don't look at it that way - she has. It needs to be confronted in a firm but loving way. As a christian she needs to see that her attitude and actions have been wrong and needs to turn away and stop with this behavior.

If she does not want to look at it that way, you will need to have witnesses and probably present the emails and testimony from others who have seen how she treated you before her pastor.

Harsh - perhaps. But as the book says, if it is done in the proper spirit it is designed by the Lord to restore a good relationship.

 

[rivulet]

There is a book "Covenant Relationships" by Kieth Intrater. Get you each a copy and read it.

I'll consider that. I did buy about 6 of books about Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships. When we were moving my MIL found them and said, "Did you get these because of us?!" and I said yes. She was horribly offended that had them.

Let me just roll my eyes a second.

 

[Shane R]

My mother is the master of back-handed compliments and she doubts the paternity of my daughter. I do not hesitate to put her in her place, and this serves as positive reinforcement to my wife. Still, she is not a pleasant person and our baby does not like her, nor do I or my wife, though she is family. Sometimes one is burdened with a millstone for a relative.

 

[mkgal1]

Here is a pretty comprehensive article about Dealing With In-laws It'd be great if your husband could read that as well (he may have some "blind spots" when it comes to his mother and dealing with it as a team could be best for everyone (even your MIL).

 

[rivulet]

Here is a pretty comprehensive article about Dealing With In-laws It'd be great if your husband could read that as well

So, I read this article and found it unhelpful. We have set boundaries and my husband does a good job at sticking up for me. Additionally, my mother in law is not a child that she should be punished by not seeing him (the consequence) just because she can't keep her mouth shut or be nice. She's still his mother.

 

[mkgal1]

Additionally, my mother in law is not a child that she should be punished by not seeing him (the consequence) just because she can't keep her mouth shut or be nice. She's still his mother.

I understand why you see it that way---and that's completely your call (and for when things can't be resolved otherwise). It's not really about "punishment", though......that response is merely about having limitations and standards--and no tolerance for specific behavior (and following through on keeping those standards in relationships).

 

[rivulet]

It's basically trading her like this, "if you break the rules then there will be a consequence." These are things you say to are things you say to a child, not a 65 year old woman who has raised her own children...

 

[mkgal1]

I don't think I'd even use terminology like that (personally) I think discussion *should* be less "threatening" and focused more on having everyone pleased and encouraged (but---as I said earlier---based on what you've posted, I believe that's going to be difficult). If it were me----I think I'd just back myself out of the whole equation and let my husband have his *own* relationship with his parents (but I don't know if that's what you feel is appropriate) and you can visit both of them as you feel up to it (and want to see your FIL).

Like most relational issues---there's never a one-size-fits-all formula. We still need to rely on wisdom to guide us each day---because each day has its own unique variables.

 

[rivulet]

I think discussion *should* be less "threatening" and focused more on having everyone pleased and encouraged.

You're right about that.
It's just a baffling situation to me.