Mixed feelings....

[mumof2cuteboys]

Right now I don't know how I am feeling.
To take my mind off negative thoughts, including thoughts of self harm, for the past month or so I have been focusing on a missions trip. I didn't want scratches on my arms when travelling throughout Cambodia and Thailand - infected scratches from poor water was my main concern. But that trip ended yesterday and now I am finding that I am struggling to think of anything in the near future to really focus on.

I have not seen my counsellor for two months due to her having holidays and then me being away on missions for two weeks. But I do have an appointment this coming Monday. I did find that most of the time I was away I didn't think very much about my past, or the destructive things I was doing beforehand. However, today I have been struggling with negative thoughts about eating and nearly scratched my arms. I am telling myself that I can hold out until I see my counsellor on Monday, but I will have to be strong.

I know my counsellor wants me to see that I am not to blame what happened when I was younger, but I feel like I am lying to myself because when I try and think like that it brings recurring dreams and thoughts that tell me that I did nothing to stop it - so I must have gave him the message that I wanted it.

But I also know that I have to be prepared to tackle the hard stuff in order to move past this and into a better place.

 

[Spunkn]

I would reinforce what your counselor said in that, when it comes to abuse, and I'm guessing that you were much younger when it happened that it is not your fault. That feeling of guilt, that you did something wrong, wants to make you feel as if you deserved it. But you did not. I'm really sorry you were abused in some way. It is an awful thing, but you were the victim.

Perhaps it would help if you found some small activity to do to try and keep your mind occupied until the next appointment. When we are busy, we might not have as much tendency to focus on the negative. That doesn't mean you should ignore it forever but, if you are struggling really hard right now, perhaps it's better if you just stay busy for a little while.

Even something as simple as writing posts on the these forums could help like you are doing now.

Praying for you

 

[mumof2cuteboys]

Been thinking, wondering, is it possible to return to a life of blocking out what i am not coping with? Could my life be liveable and manageable if I squash everything away again? It worked for years before.... before a serious crisis brought it to the surface.... but maybe that was because I let my guard down.... maybe I have more strength in hiding my feelings than courage to expose my inner self....
It's been nine weeks since I saw my counsellor, and I don't know if I have the courage to walk in on Monday morning. it's like I am back at the beginning again....
Maybe my thoughts about myself are right.... but I know she won't agree.
I feel like the only time I am worth anything is when I am busy doing stuff for other people, and my time on the missions trip proved that - I was busy must of the time, working with and for other people and I did feel ok, but now I am home I am struggling again.... why do I make things so complicated....

 

[artqween]

Right now I don't know how I am feeling.
To take my mind off negative thoughts, including thoughts of self harm, for the past month or so I have been focusing on a missions trip. I didn't want scratches on my arms when travelling throughout Cambodia and Thailand - infected scratches from poor water was my main concern. But that trip ended yesterday and now I am finding that I am struggling to think of anything in the near future to really focus on.

I have not seen my counsellor for two months due to her having holidays and then me being away on missions for two weeks. But I do have an appointment this coming Monday. I did find that most of the time I was away I didn't think very much about my past, or the destructive things I was doing beforehand. However, today I have been struggling with negative thoughts about eating and nearly scratched my arms. I am telling myself that I can hold out until I see my counsellor on Monday, but I will have to be strong.

I know my counsellor wants me to see that I am not to blame what happened when I was younger, but I feel like I am lying to myself because when I try and think like that it brings recurring dreams and thoughts that tell me that I did nothing to stop it - so I must have gave him the message that I wanted it.

But I also know that I have to be prepared to tackle the hard stuff in order to move past this and into a better place.

Hi and plezd to meet u. Talk to ur
Family about ur concerns and plez dont hurt urself :-( Anymore.. Instead Suggestion? Also If u have a mental or phyical disability.. Ask ur family dr. With ur Family there.. For a dr.s note so u Can sign up for disability and other
Benefits.. Suggestion?
Access program also?,.
peace, harmony, strenght, courage,
Love, hope.... vibes ... Hi and

Also.. Sorry i misread ur post :-(. My bad... Hope u feel better. I care...

 

[artqween]

Right now I don't know how I am feeling.
To take my mind off negative thoughts, including thoughts of self harm, for the past month or so I have been focusing on a missions trip. I didn't want scratches on my arms when travelling throughout Cambodia and Thailand - infected scratches from poor water was my main concern. But that trip ended yesterday and now I am finding that I am struggling to think of anything in the near future to really focus on.

I have not seen my counsellor for two months due to her having holidays and then me being away on missions for two weeks. But I do have an appointment this coming Monday. I did find that most of the time I was away I didn't think very much about my past, or the destructive things I was doing beforehand. However, today I have been struggling with negative thoughts about eating and nearly scratched my arms. I am telling myself that I can hold out until I see my counsellor on Monday, but I will have to be strong.

I know my counsellor wants me to see that I am not to blame what happened when I was younger, but I feel like I am lying to myself because when I try and think like that it brings recurring dreams and thoughts that tell me that I did nothing to stop it - so I must have gave him the message that I wanted it.

But I also know that I have to be prepared to tackle the hard stuff in order to move past this and into a better place.

Talk to ur family about ur symptoms
And with ur family dr. With ur family.
Possibly sign up for disability with
Ur dr.s note.. With ur family.
And join a local support group with
Ur condition. With ur family.
Always bond with ur family.
Possibly join a local church with
Ur family there maybe some people
Who may relate to ur condition
And u can get inspired by Gods
People as well... ;-) there..
May u feel at peace..
Plezd to meet u and hi..

 

[mumof2cuteboys]

What do u mean wantd it? Did u and ur councilor have sex??

I don't believe there is anything I wrote that would imply that was ever an issue.
I said my counsellor, female at that, wants me to be able to remove the self-blame. The issue is that I have flashbacks to what I did that must have encouraged him - and that's the problem I am faced with.

 

[Johnnz]

Self blame is very common, although unjustified. It's part of the defilment and violation that ocurrs with rape.

Blocking out is not the solution - allowing Jesus to heal you as you identify each issue and work it through with prayer and transforming is the healthiest parth to travel.

Serving others is great. But that needs a healtheir basis than merely blocking out t epast, or being a basis for your self belief.

Bless you
John
NZ

 

[paul1149]

The issue is that I have flashbacks to what I did that must have encouraged him - and that's the problem I am faced with.

Even if that was the case - and I wouldn't concede that too quickly - that was then and this is now. We are not locked into our past mistakes. The Lord has allowed for confession and cleansing, according to 1Jn 1.9.

The issue is whether you are going to allow the flashbacks and emotional residue to govern your present life. There is nothing I know of in the Word that tells us to accept such a thing and just try to cope with it. Coping is what we did when we were young and weren't aware of any viable alternatives. But now we have the full armament of Christ at our disposal. The Lord desires transformation of the inner man, not coping. He purifies the waters from the fountainhead.

You have been made the righteousness of God, in Christ Jesus. The enemy has no right to assail you with guilt and shame. The solution is to enter into the stronghold of God, where lies the continual sabbath rest of Christ, and to put on the full armor of God and then stand. As you resist the devil, he will flee. It will be spiritual warfare for a season, but if you endure you are assured of the victory, because Christ cannot lose. Indeed, He already won the battle on the Cross 2000 years ago.

 

[artqween]

I don't believe there is anything I wrote that would imply that was ever an issue.
I said my counsellor, female at that, wants me to be able to remove the self-blame. The issue is that I have flashbacks to what I did that must have encouraged him - and that's the problem I am faced with.

Sorry...

 

[RuthD]

Hi Mum,
I am praying to Jesus that he makes you realize that you are not to blame, were never to blame. God bless you.

 

[mumof2cuteboys]

Just a bit of an update....

Maybe for the first time I can look back and see how I have made baby steps forward....I actually allowed myself to sit and ponder something that I believe God was showing me - I didn't block it out....

Yesterday I was thinking about the last few weeks, actually months, in particular about how hard things have been, as well as letting go and trusting God and it's like God reminded me about an experience I had while Abseiling with Boys Brigade a couple of years ago.... Abseiling off four shipping containers stacked up on top of each other.

I was attached to two lines - the one I had hold of and the safety line that the experienced officer controlled. While I was standing on the edge, literally trembling, scared to step over the edge, I was focused on what could go wrong and I couldn't bring myself to work the clip/brake that the rope ran through. I wanted to go over the edge but fear was stopping me.... But then the officer talked to me, encouraged me, reassured me that if I trusted him he would get me safely over the edge and then I would be able to do the rest myself. I still remember consciously thinking that he is super qualified (State Emergency Services – in an elite trained rescue team) and I decided to trust him. Anyway, he told me I needed to let go of my rope, which had an automatic brake on it, sit back in the harness and follow his instructions.... It felt like it took a long time, but I finally got over the edge and then I was on my way down - and enjoying the adventure - even having photos of me taken doing that crazy 'planking' stuff that was popular back then.

Then I had a thought that it's like I am now standing at an edge, connected to two different lines - the one I am holding on to, which is woven with feelings of self-blame, self-doubt, worthlessness, hopelessness, various fears etc - the things that are holding me back, stopping me from enjoying life; and there is the safety line that is held by God. He will talk to me, encourage me, reassure me, get me safely over the edge and set me in a place where I will start to enjoy life more, but I need to let go of the rope I am holding and trust Him to guide me through this scary stuff and into that place of freedom and life.



I am slowly beginning to see that many of the things in my past didn't happen because of anything I did or didn't do. Although there are some choices I know I made in the hope of erasing the effects of what I endured as a child - and these things I do need to forgive myself for.... It's a journey that I need to walk because without it I will never see myself as God sees me, because I still continue to struggle with believing I have value outside of what I can do for others.

 

[Spunkn]

That's great news, glad you are doing better