MissingMomSoManyQuestions

[Rubysbaby]

My mom died 7/27/12, a day I will never forget. The weekend before we were on a family trip to FL. My mom starts feeling bad that Sunday. We (Dad, Sister, and me) offered to take her to ER in Florida. She said she was ok until she got home. She said she felt better when we got home and would go see Dr. Monday morning. The Dr. sends her to the ER by ambulance (exactly a week after her 69th birthday).

She had had a heart attack while we were in FL. We were to go to MN on Thurs (would have been my parent's first flight). I was numb and scared. I was upset because she didn't allow us to take her immediately to ER. She had open heart surgery on Tuesday. She didn't awake completely until Wednesday evening. The Drs. had given a good prognosis that she would resume back to normal. Friday she walked from ICU to a regular room. My mom looked so good that day. She was talking like herself again. She even gave us a laugh or two. I was still nervous because I knew she had a long recovery but felt that she was doing well and headed in the right direction. If God had brought her through having the heart attack and surgery, I thought for sure she would make it.

Friday afternoon I told my dad he needed to eat and we went to the cafeteria in hospital. We were planning how we were going to take care of her during her recovery. This was the first day I was positive about EVERYTHING. When we leave the cafeteria and head up to the room my worst nightmare happened. My sister was outside the door screaming. My aunt was with her and another aunt reached for me. I was in shock and so confused as to what was going on. Staff had come to take her blood. Mom started to make a face of pain and family with her thought it was from the stick. Her eyes wall and she starts coding. The Drs. start working on her but couldn't save her. They didn't know what happened suspected it was a blood clot. It just doesn't make any sense. Did staff do something wrong? I couldn't even cry I was in such shock. All I could do was scream.

How could this happen when she survived the heart attack and surgery? My mom was my best friend. I talked to her every day and saw her almost every day. My faith is shaken. I had just given praise reports and thanked God for healing her again and then she's gone. I am in such pain. It's been a month and I have returned to work but can't concentrate thinking of her last days. I know we all have to die and God doesn't always answer the way we want, but I don't like it. It's not fair. I keep wondering is this punishment for my sins and because I didn't pray enough before she got sick.

Why did mom say she was better when we returned from FL? I know she had to be in pain. I am in counseling, reading books, and journaling trying to get through this. I have returned to church but it's hard because I wonder if God listens to me anymore since he didn't answer my prayer to save her. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster of emotions.

I have been searching for answers to the reason for her death (medical reason). I have been unsuccessful and am very frustrated. I know that nothing will change the situation or my feelings, but having an answer would provide some closure.

Thanks for listening to my story.

 

[footballmommy]

What a terrible way to lose your mom. I do believe that the people that we love the most choose to hide the pain, the inevitable from us. It wasn't until everyone left the room when my grandmother was dying and all that remained was my brother and my mom that she finally let go. They say the dying often hang on for the living. Your mom was obviously very loved and very missed and I hope that you are finding your way out of the grief. I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

I'm so sorry for your loss. What a tragedy.

I don't have any answers for you, but can be here to listen.

 

[KimberlyAA]

This is one of the most difficult questions for Christians to answer.

That is, they say, how can a God of love permit such things in His world as death, especially when their effects often are felt most keenly by those who are apparently innocent? Either He is not a God of love and is indifferent to human suffering, or else He is not a God of power and is therefore helpless to do anything about it. In either case, the Biblical God who is supposedly one of both absolute power and perfect love becomes an impossible anachronism. Or so they claim!

While there is much evil in the world, there is even more that is good. This is proved by the mere fact that people normally try to hang on to life as long as they can. Furthermore, everyone instinctively recognizes that “good” is a higher order of truth than “bad”.

We need also to recognize that our very minds were created by God. We can only use these minds to the extent that He allows, and it is, therefore, utterly presumptuous for us to use them to question Him and His motives.

Surely you wouldn’t do such a thing, destroying the righteous along with the wicked. Why, you would be treating the righteous and the wicked exactly the same! Surely you wouldn’t do that! Should not the Judge of all the earth do what is right?” (Genesis 18:25)

No, don’t say that. Who are you, a mere human being, to argue with God? Should the thing that was created say to the one who created it, “Why have you made me like this?” (Romans 9:20)

We ourselves do not establish the standards of what is right. Only the Creator of all reality can do that. We need to settle it, in our minds and hearts, whether we understand it or not, that whatever God does is, by definition, right.

Having settled this by faith, we are then free to seek for ways in which we can profit spiritually from the sufferings in life, as well as the blessings.

The world is now under God’s Curse (Genesis 3:17) because of man’s rebellion against God’s Word.

This “bondage of corruption,” with the “whole world groaning and travailing together in pain” (Romans 8:21-22), is universal, affecting all men and women and children everywhere. God did not create the world this way, and one day will set all things right again. In that day, “God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain” (Revelation 21:4).

The Lord Jesus Christ, who was the only truly “innocent” and “righteous” man in all history, nevertheless has suffered more than anyone else who ever lived.

He suffered and died, in order that ultimately He might deliver the world from the Curse, and that, even now, He can deliver from sin and its bondage anyone who will receive Him in faith as personal Lord and Savior. This great deliverance from the penalty of inherent sin, as well as of overt sins, very possibly also assures the salvation of those who have died.

With our full faith in God’s goodness and in Christ’s redemption, we can recognize that our present sufferings can be turned to His glory and our good.

The sufferings of men are often used by the Holy Spirit to cause them to realize their needs of salvation and to turn to Christ in repentance and faith. The sufferings of Christians should always be the means of developing a stronger dependence on God and a more Christ-like character, if they are properly “exercised thereby” (Hebrews 12:11).

Thus, God is loving and merciful, even when, “for the present,” He allows trials and sufferings to come in our lives.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. (Romans 8:28)

 

[Catherineanne]

I have been searching for answers to the reason for her death (medical reason). I have been unsuccessful and am very frustrated. I know that nothing will change the situation or my feelings, but having an answer would provide some closure.

Thanks for listening to my story.

I am very sorry for your loss, Rubysbaby. It must be terrible for you to try to come to terms with such a sudden loss; you must love your mother very much.

I am not a doctor, and I can't really give you the answers you need. I am sure the hospital will have done what it could to protect your mother, but sometimes it is just our time, I am sorry to say. Surgery always entails risk, and heart surgery especially so. Your mother may have developed a blood clot (DVT), which dslodged and led to her death; that can be as sudden and unpredictable as you describe.

I read once that it is better to consider a life as completed than as cut short. Can you begin to think that way about your mother, and remember the good times; the holiday you had, and the happy times you shared with her? Try to forget the difficulties of her last days, and recall all that she gave you in her life; all the happy memories and all the many blessings she has left you with?

Your mother is now in a far better place than we are; she is at peace and will never again know suffering of any kind; no pain, no grief, no separation from God. She has to look forward to being with you all again one day, after which there will be no further separation for any of you.

Another thing I read; if we knew for certain where your mother is, and how truly lovely it is to be there, which of us would wish her to return to this fallen, broken world again? For our sake we might, but certainly not for hers. Your mother is at peace, and I am pretty sure as a mother myself that she would wish nothing more for you than peace in your turn; peace about her, and peace about your own future.

The pain you feel now is a reflection of the love you have for your mother, which lasts beyond her death. I think her love for you also lasts beyond her death, and will always be with you. I hope you come to realise this, as the pain begins to ease and the good memories return. I would not want my own daughter to grieve for me for long; I would want her to know that I will always love her, wherever I am, and that nothing can ever change that. Nothing.

God be with you.

 

[Rubysbaby]

Football mommy -- what you said has opened my mind. You are right. My mama knew that her 33 year old "baby" couldn't handle seeing her die and she didn't tell me how sick she was to avoid hurting me.

All -- thanks for the words of encouragement. I know that if my mom were here she'd share some of those same things. She loved God and she and my father trained us to believe and trust no matter what.

 

[Catherineanne]

Football mommy -- what you said has opened my mind. You are right. My mama knew that her 33 year old "baby" couldn't handle seeing her die and she didn't tell me how sick she was to avoid hurting me.

All -- thanks for the words of encouragement. I know that if my mom were here she'd share some of those same things. She loved God and she and my father trained us to believe and trust no matter what.

Your mother sounds like a very special lady. Once again, I am very sorry for your loss.

 

[RuthD]

I'm so sorry you lost your mother. Today is the anniversary of my mom's passing. It is hard to lose your mother and best friend. I'm sure she is your guardian angel now and watching on you and still with you. I talk to my mom and cry, too. God bless you.

 

[Rubysbaby]

Ruth -- I am sorry for your loss also. Yes, it's very hard.

 

[footballmommy]

The anniversaries are far tougher than what people realize I think. My heart goes out to all of you!

 

[Rubysbaby]

So true! This is the first Thanksgiving and I would rather stay home through it but my dad wants to have dinner with his cousin and her family. All I keep remembering is last Thanksgiving when all of us were together. We had a great day but it hurts my heart to know that will never happen again.

 

[cheryl1949]

I am so with you. I just lost my dad 9 days ago. I cannot stop crying. 2 weeks before he died we had a family bar b q. he was happy and said he was so happy to have all 3 of his kids around him. when I left his house I thought he had a year or 2 left. I flew from CA back to WA and in less than a week my brother called me and told me to go back to CA because dad was sick and was not going to make it. I went back to CA and a couple days later he died. its a shock. you cannot blame yourself, or question God. we don't know why your mom had to go through the surgeries, or why she seemed to get better and then die, (my dad did too, he got better for a day, sat up and ate and watched tv then back down again) that is a natural progression Im told. the last up before the final fall. this is the hardest thing Ive ever gone through and Im sure the same for you. I wish I had the answer for us both, but please do not loose your faith, its all we have.

 

[cheryl1949]

me too, I just keep thinking of my dad in that cold ground

 

[Rubysbaby]

Hi Cheryl,

I am so sorry for your loss. Thanks so much for sharing your story and encouraging me. I made it through Thanksgiving better than I thought. The day before was horrible but I was able to not feel so down as I expected. It did hurt however that no friends called or text me to encourage me. I know that no one knows what to say but just being there helps and I haven't had that support. I have the support of dad and sister but they have their own grief. I pray that you and your family will be continue to be strengthened through this difficult time.

 

[cheryl1949]

well I will be here for you. no one call me either. my husband and I were alone on thanksgiving, and the quietness was to loud. not that my dad would have been here, but just knowing he was around would not have made the holiday hurt. it would be nice to hear from my kids who have their own families and friends to celebrate with but we are alone here. I have one son who was ask to be a paul beror and refused, he wouldn't even come the week before my dad died, he was a jerk to me the whole time. I even offered to pay his gas. so I have written him off. he has told me not to call him again. I don't understand how he could be so mean at this time. its so hard.

 

[Rubysbaby]

I am sorry for the way your son has treated you. I don't have kids so I can't begin to imagine. As a child however there was nothing my parents could have done to keep me away when they needed me. They weren't perfect and neither was I but we were always there for each other. I am so sorry for your pain. I'm glad that you have your husband to support you.

 

[RuthD]

How are you doing today? I'm glad you made it through Thanksgiving. I felt an emptiness that my mom or dad or sister were no longer with us but having the rest of the family there was nice. As time goes on this gets better. Have you been to a Grief Support Group? They are very helpful and most hospices host them. They are very positive and uplifting and talk about keeping a connection with our lost ones. We can still talk to them and tell them all about our lives now and how much we miss them and whatever we need to tell them. I am praying for your healing. I know how hard this is for you. It can take everything out of you as it did me. Today I am feeling better and you will too. There is plenty of hope. Grief is a process that varies with everyone. Take as much time as you need to grieve and let yourself cry and don't stop yourself from crying wherever you are. At times I was grieving in school and excused myself and went to the bathroom to cry. It is okay to do that wherever you are. My heart goes out to you. Praying for your healing. It is going to be okay one day even though it does not feel like it now. God bless you.

 

[Rubysbaby]

Today I have felt alone. I went to church service and came back home alone. I really miss Sunday dinners that mom made. My dad visited another church today. My sister and I parted ways after church service. I have cried and asked God why me today. I still feel at times that this is my punishment for not being a good christian. I'm tired of people asking how was my Thanksgiving as though I should say it was good when it really wasn't. My response is that it was ok. I don't know if I'll ever be able to move forward in a positive manner. I live in a small city so I'm not sure if there are grief support groups. I am seeking therapy. I sought new therapist early this month because I didn't feel I was getting all I needed from other therapist. The new therapist has lost a mother and she also discussed God immediately which is what I really liked.

 

[bibledoctor]

Hi - Part of the challenge is learning how to function without your parents.

 

[RuthD]

I'm glad you found a good therapist who you can relate to. It makes all of the difference. Praying for you. I'm so sorry you are feeling so alone. I often want to pick up the phone and call my mom. But she is no longer there. May God bring you peace, it takes time, take your time and be good to you.