Milestones

[AirForceTeacher]

This Thursday is the first major holiday since the separation/beginning of divorce process. I guess I didn't really think about how it would affect me. It feels really weird because I'm thousands of miles away, int he middle of the desert. I thought this might be easier: I'm not sitting there in the same town, going over to say hi to the kids and seeeing her boyfriend there, or going over for a "family dinner" and counting the minutes until I can leave, while she counts the minutes too until I leave and her boyfriend can come over.

Instead, I'm over here, alone, and she's home. There's nothing at all all to keep her from spending the whole day with him, and my kids being with him instead of me all day long.

I thought being over her would insulate me a little, but instead I'm here, alone, with me. I'm not sure that was a good idea now.

Update:
Talked to the kids … they're all going to Buddy's parent's house for Thanksgiving today.

Why does everyone think this is ok - that a married woman is going to her boyfriend's parents' house - with her kids - for Thanksgiving? Why is this ok? Why is nobody saying - "Hon, that ain't right, why are you doing this?"

 

[Brotherfromanothermother]

AFT,
I feel for you bro. It's tough sometimes being alone and having to re-live and dissect the process and what all the years meant (if anything).
As men we either want to take none of the blame or all of it. It's not as noble a process as that. (as I'm sure you're well aware)
It's dirty, humiliating and painful. (blood, sweat and tears)
God's not forsaken you (I know you know- just a reminder)
We're not meant for these experiences which is why I believe God said what He did about the matter. Just as in all matters, He is your strength.
Bless you brother.
BFAM

 

[AirForceTeacher]

thanks BFAM ... this is just not the way it's supposed to be.

 

[Bridgit]

AFT, there are many things in this life that are not supposed to be and, yes, it hurts when these things happen anyway. I am sorry for your hurt and I pray that God pours His love on you and heals your wounds. Keep your eyes on Jesus, it helps the healing process.

 

[tryingtobeagain]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. My first holiday without my husband was last Christmas. It was hard because I was all alone and I was thinking about what we could have been doing together. I made the best of it and invited friends and family to celebrate with me. I imagine this Christmas will be alot easier. Time has a way of re-focusing your energy on the things you do have going on in your life. I hope it gets a little easier for you.

 

[ido]

AFT

Last year's holidays were miserable for me. I was alone for Christmas - meaning without the kids. I was surrounded by the rest of my family, but I may as well have been in the middle of the desert like you are.

It's not OK that she is modeling that kind of behavior for your kids. But, as they get older, they will understand - if they don't already - that mom hasn't made the greatest choices in this process.

Forgive it and let it go as best as you can, so you can be the cornerstone and example that your kids need in their lives.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Thanks everyone. I'm really not looking forward to tomorrow. I wish I didn't have to work - then I'd just stay in bed all day.

 

[Bridgit]

It might be a blessing in disguise the fact that you have to work. May God ease your pain and strengthen you.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Yes, it might be. Good day to go read. I've got a copy of Henri Nouwen's The Only Necessary Thing I may bury my nose in.

 

[kanga22]

Update:
Talked to the kids … they're all going to Buddy's parent's house for Thanksgiving today.

Why does everyone think this is ok - that a married woman is going to her boyfriend's parents' house - with her kids - for Thanksgiving? Why is this ok? Why is nobody saying - "Hon, that ain't right, why are you doing this?"

You are correct. This isn't right or fair. Just her openly having a boyfriend, before the divorce is final, is wrong wrong wrong!

I'll be praying that you will feel the real presence of Jesus, because He is there, you are not alone.
God Bless, Kanga.

 

[HuntingMan]

Praying for you to have some peace of mind, AFT

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Thank you both. So far, Thanksgiving is good, but mainly because I'm not thinking of it as Thanksgiving - it's just a day I happen to not have to work the whole day!

 

[Autumnleaf]

I thought being over her would insulate me a little, but instead I'm here, alone, with me. I'm not sure that was a good idea now.

Update:
Talked to the kids … they're all going to Buddy's parent's house for Thanksgiving today.

Why does everyone think this is ok - that a married woman is going to her boyfriend's parents' house - with her kids - for Thanksgiving? Why is this ok? Why is nobody saying - "Hon, that ain't right, why are you doing this?"

They think its okay because you helped sell the illusion by not wailing on Buddy when you had the chance. Today my 7 year old daughter read "Freedom is not free." on the shirt I am wearing. Your family wasn't free either my friend. Neither is mine. Sometimes we have to stand up and fight for what we have or we will lose it.

Thank you for your service AFT. God bless you and yours wherever you may find yourself.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Wail on him? are you seriously suggesting that I should have resorted to violence?

 

[Autumnleaf]

Wail on him? are you seriously suggesting that I should have resorted to violence?

If another man wanted to sleep with my wife in my house where my children live he would have to do it over my dead body.

 

[kanga22]

AFT, no amount of violence could convince your wife to stop the divorce, in fact I'm sure it would just give her more reason to leave. After taking care of Buddy, who else would you have to fight off, and for what end? If Autumn's wife left him for someone else, it sounds like he'd end up divorced AND in prison.

I tried to stand up to, and chase women away from my husband, but it didn't get me anywhere. He enjoyed watching me try to fight for him, but it didn't change his crazy mid-life crisis and turn him toward our marriage. He just keeps looking and finding all the stupid willing women out there. AND, he's also still with the original pig that he found in the first place. Can you tell I'm a bit angry this weekend? Okay, I'm done for now. I've got to go cool off.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

AFT, no amount of violence could convince your wife to stop the divorce, in fact I'm sure it would just give her more reason to leave. After taking care of Buddy, who else would you have to fight off, and for what end? If Autumn's wife left him for someone else, it sounds like he'd end up divorced AND in prison.

I tried to stand up to, and chase women away from my husband, but it didn't get me anywhere. He enjoyed watching me try to fight for him, but it didn't change is crazy mid-life crisis and turn him toward our marriage. He just keeps looking and finding all the stupid willing women out there. AND, he's also still with the original pig that he found in the first place. Can you tell I'm a bit angry this weekend? Okay, I'm done for now. I've got to go cool off.

sorry Kanga - I understand having good and bad days post separation!

 

[Autumnleaf]

AFT, no amount of violence could convince your wife to stop the divorce, in fact I'm sure it would just give her more reason to leave. After taking care of Buddy, who else would you have to fight off, and for what end? If Autumn's wife left him for someone else, it sounds like he'd end up divorced AND in prison.

I tried to stand up to, and chase women away from my husband, but it didn't get me anywhere. He enjoyed watching me try to fight for him, but it didn't change his crazy mid-life crisis and turn him toward our marriage. He just keeps looking and finding all the stupid willing women out there. AND, he's also still with the original pig that he found in the first place. Can you tell I'm a bit angry this weekend? Okay, I'm done for now. I've got to go cool off.

I don't think I could stop my wife from divorcing me if she wanted to. I believe I can vastly influence whether she wants to or not. You can't act like a wimp and expect people to treat you like a champ. You have to behave in such a way that people will respond favorably to you. Oprah among others has brought this to my attention and it works. If you beg and plead for someone to stay they will treat you like they hold all the cards and can do whatever they want. The opposite is also true.

 

[FaithfulWife]

Why does everyone think this is ok - that a married woman is going to her boyfriend's parents' house - with her kids - for Thanksgiving? Why is this ok? Why is nobody saying - "Hon, that ain't right, why are you doing this?"

AFT, I haven't read every one of your posts nor do I know you that well, but I will assume this one thing--you are a thousand miles away serving in the armed forces so I'm going to assume you're a man with some bravery. So starting with that assumption, I do not think that violence would have made any difference in the situation--if anything I agree with kanga.

There are a million things that "mighta" changed things--but then again they didn't happen and we are where we are NOW--so let's work from there.

Like you, I was AMAZED, as in , when I told my ex-H's family that he was cheating on me and not one of them would say a word to him. I thought FOR SURE that his mom or brother would say something like, "Man, what are you doing? You have a wife and kids at home! You can't be out catting around!" but nope. No one wanted to get involved or push their morality, blah blah blah.

This day and age, especially in the U.S., everything is instantaneous and disposable--including families and children. If a person is not instantaneously happy and "in love" then according to the Hollywood myth of love, it's okay to toss family aside! And I'm not blaming Hollywood only but rather just that whole, fake, romantic industry--the one that promotes an affair as a love story: "...two star-crossed lovers who were meant to be together and fate intervened to bring the soul-mates together." That's not what an affair is!!

An affair is demolishing a lifetime of work, hopes, dreams and trust of the one person on the planet you vowed to honor and love. An affair is either taking your kids away from their other parent, or losing them yourself. An affair is countless hours of crying and loneliness and hurting someone! An affair is tearing grandparents away from grandchildren they love. An affair is teaching children that they don't have to honor their commitments. See?? Not so "romantic" now is it??

But AFT, people won't stand up to it because if THEY stood up, that means they'd have to look at their own morals or be brave enough to maybe make their child/brother or sister/dad or mom angry. You know that old saying "Blood is thicker than water"? Yeah--so rather than take a stand on the side of what is right, they keep quiet because "he's blood."

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I'm sorry you're going through this while you're so far away from your family and serving in the desert.

And I'm even MORE sorry that no one will stand up and say, "NO! That is WRONG!"

So AFT, I lay down the gauntlet and challenge you to be the man of God that you were meant to be. YOU be the lighthouse that leads your family back to God!! (Yes, YOU.) If you can not lead your wife back because she refuses to see it--then at least lead your children and let them know that what is going on is WRONG. Even if they are young, explain it to them in age-appropriate ways...because what their mommy is doing is naughty. Mommies do not have boyfriends!! DADDY is supposed to be the one mommy loves and you can teach them.

God bless and protect you.

 

[kanga22]

AFT, I haven't read every one of your posts nor do I know you that well, but I will assume this one thing--you are a thousand miles away serving in the armed forces so I'm going to assume you're a man with some bravery. So starting with that assumption, I do not think that violence would have made any difference in the situation--if anything I agree with kanga.

There are a million things that "mighta" changed things--but then again they didn't happen and we are where we are NOW--so let's work from there.

Like you, I was AMAZED, as in , when I told my ex-H's family that he was cheating on me and not one of them would say a word to him. I thought FOR SURE that his mom or brother would say something like, "Man, what are you doing? You have a wife and kids at home! You can't be out catting around!" but nope. No one wanted to get involved or push their morality, blah blah blah.

This day and age, especially in the U.S., everything is instantaneous and disposable--including families and children. If a person is not instantaneously happy and "in love" then according to the Hollywood myth of love, it's okay to toss family aside! And I'm not blaming Hollywood only but rather just that whole, fake, romantic industry--the one that promotes an affair as a love story: "...two star-crossed lovers who were meant to be together and fate intervened to bring the soul-mates together." That's not what an affair is!!

An affair is demolishing a lifetime of work, hopes, dreams and trust of the one person on the planet you vowed to honor and love. An affair is either taking your kids away from their other parent, or losing them yourself. An affair is countless hours of crying and loneliness and hurting someone! An affair is tearing grandparents away from grandchildren they love. An affair is teaching children that they don't have to honor their commitments. See?? Not so "romantic" now is it??

But AFT, people won't stand up to it because if THEY stood up, that means they'd have to look at their own morals or be brave enough to maybe make their child/brother or sister/dad or mom angry. You know that old saying "Blood is thicker than water"? Yeah--so rather than take a stand on the side of what is right, they keep quiet because "he's blood."

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I'm sorry you're going through this while you're so far away from your family and serving in the desert.

And I'm even MORE sorry that no one will stand up and say, "NO! That is WRONG!"

So AFT, I lay down the gauntlet and challenge you to be the man of God that you were meant to be. YOU be the lighthouse that leads your family back to God!! (Yes, YOU.) If you can not lead your wife back because she refuses to see it--then at least lead your children and let them know that what is going on is WRONG. Even if they are young, explain it to them in age-appropriate ways...because what their mommy is doing is naughty. Mommies do not have boyfriends!! DADDY is supposed to be the one mommy loves and you can teach them.

God bless and protect you.

and sister.