Right now is not a good time in life.
The semester just finished and I got my grades.....dismal at best and I have to retake two classes. The reason I failed them was because I waited too long to quit a job that while I made a lot of money, interfered with school work. I kept working there because I thought it was a sin to take out loans to pay for school (I asked that question on here numerous times and was condemned and chastised by many at the thought of doing it despite now what I see were obvious promptings from God to quit, and now I'm suffering the consequences). In addition to not being able to study and constantly being burned out, the days that I worked were on nights that my church's student ministry had services, which means I missed out on ample opportunities for spiritual growth...
It's Christmas Eve and I've been depressed and crying since it all happened knowing that God gave me a blessing and I threw it all away because I decided that the security of money was better than going on faith. Who knows what God had planned for when I left that job at the end of the summer? Scholarships, another job...it could have been anything and now those plans are lost forever, leaving me defeated and hopeless.
I'm able to make up the classes and get credit, and if things work out I can still graduate in 2018 depending on how I can schedule classes, but even if I get all A's from now until then there will always be that reminder that God had perfect plans for a time of blessing after enduring so much hardship in the past few years, and I went and messed it all up. I hate myself and honestly want to just say to God to take my calling back because I obviously am not responsible enough to handle it.
The semester just finished and I got my grades.....dismal at best and I have to retake two classes. The reason I failed them was because I waited too long to quit a job that while I made a lot of money, interfered with school work. I kept working there because I thought it was a sin to take out loans to pay for school (I asked that question on here numerous times and was condemned and chastised by many at the thought of doing it despite now what I see were obvious promptings from God to quit, and now I'm suffering the consequences). In addition to not being able to study and constantly being burned out, the days that I worked were on nights that my church's student ministry had services, which means I missed out on ample opportunities for spiritual growth...
It's Christmas Eve and I've been depressed and crying since it all happened knowing that God gave me a blessing and I threw it all away because I decided that the security of money was better than going on faith. Who knows what God had planned for when I left that job at the end of the summer? Scholarships, another job...it could have been anything and now those plans are lost forever, leaving me defeated and hopeless.
I'm able to make up the classes and get credit, and if things work out I can still graduate in 2018 depending on how I can schedule classes, but even if I get all A's from now until then there will always be that reminder that God had perfect plans for a time of blessing after enduring so much hardship in the past few years, and I went and messed it all up. I hate myself and honestly want to just say to God to take my calling back because I obviously am not responsible enough to handle it.
