Messianic Humor

[SonWorshipper]

Phooey! we lost our Funny bone thread, so I will have to start all over from scratch. So here goes:


Kosher Computers I don't know if you know this, but they are now selling kosher computers. They are made in Israel and are called DELLSHALOM. If you or a friend are considering a Kosher computer, you should know that there are some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:



1. The cursor moves from right to left. It comes with two hard drives: one for fleyshik business software and one for milchik games.


2. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now gets "Ferklempt".


3. The Chanukah screensavers include "Flying Dreidels"


4. The PC also shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.


5. After the computer crashes and dies, you must dispose of it within 24 hours


6. The "Start" button has been replaced with the "Let's go already -I'm not getting any younger!" button.


7. When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, you are instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."


8. The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play music already!


9. Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner


10. "Hava Nagila" during start-up.


11. Microsoft Office now includes, "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."


12. When running "Scandisk," it prompts with a "You want I should fix this?" message.


13. If you run too many programmes at once, the software warns you with a loud "Oy Gevalt!"


14. There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that advertises that it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek on your monitor".


15. After 20 minutes of no activity, the PC goes "Schloffen."


16. Computer viruses can be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup.


17. The Y2K problem has been replaced by "Year 5761-5762" issues.


18. If you are too lazy to shut down in the prescribed manner, the following message appears: "You should be ashamed of yourself."


19. When Spellchecker finds an error it prompts, "Is this the best you can do?"


20. And remember: With a kosher computer, you can't get Spam.

 

[SonWorshipper]

hehe, Personally I would like to get one AND of course pick it up straight from the Manufacturer. Take about two weeks time, checking out things making sure I got all the right options, etc.

 

[SonWorshipper]

An older Jewish woman from Brooklyn goes in search of a famous guru. She takes a plane to India and then a boat up a river, and then hikes into the mountains with local guides. All in all it takes her months of hardship to track down this guru.

When she finally finds him he is in the middle of some kind of ritual which lasts for days and the guru's many followers won't let her see him.

Eventually she reaches the hallowed portals. There she is told firmly that due to the long lines she can only say EIGHT words to the guru.

"Fine", she says.

She is ushered into the inner sanctum where the wise guru is seated, ready to bestow spiritual blessings upon his eager initiates. Just before she reaches his throne she is once again reminded:

"Remember, just EIGHT words."

Finally the guru is ready to receive visitors and calls for the woman to be admitted. She stands before the famous guru.

"Bernie" she says, "it's your mother, time to come home!"

 

[Aethelsige]

Monty Python did a skit of Michealangelo painting the Last Supper.

A Servant of Michealangelo runs and yells 'The Pope is Coming and he is really angry'... So Michealangelo continues to paint. Hours later the Pope arrives and commands Michealangelo to come down. So Michealangelo climbs down to the Pope. The Pope says Michaelangelo 'I am very angry about the painting.' So Michealangelo says 'Well what is wrong with the painting?' The Pope replies 'Well actually its the Deciples'. So Michaelangelo asks 'What is wrong with the Deciples? Are... Are ... they too Jewish?'

 

[Woodsy]

"Do you know the difference between a faithful Jew, an agnostic Jew, and an atheist Jew?


* The faithful Jew says, "Shema Yisrael: Adonai Eloheinu, Adonai Echad."
* The agnostic Jew says, "Shema Yisrael: I dunno Eloheinu, I dunno Echad."
* And the atheist Jew says, "Shema Yisrael: I deny Eloheinu, I deny Echad."

 

[Woodsy]

On the Upper West Side of NYC lived an assimilated Jew who was now a very militant atheist. But he sent his son to Trinity School because, despite its denominational roots, it's a great school, and completely secular.

After a month, the boy comes home and says casually, "By the way Dad, do you know what Trinity means? It means the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost."

The father can barely control his rage. He seizes his son by the shoulders and declares, "Danny, I'm going to tell you something now and I want you never to forget it. There is only one God... and we don't believe in him!"

 

[SonWorshipper]

"Do you know the difference between a faithful Jew, an agnostic Jew, and an atheist Jew?


* The faithful Jew says, "Shema Yisrael: Adonai Eloheinu, Adonai Echad."
* The agnostic Jew says, "Shema Yisrael: I dunno Eloheinu, I dunno Echad."
* And the atheist Jew says, "Shema Yisrael: I deny Eloheinu, I deny Echad."

I love it!

 

[Ruhama]

oh my gosh, keep it coming, I am guffawing in my chair.

 

[SonWorshipper]

Just as long as you don 't get it all over your keyboard Ruhama!

 

[SonWorshipper]

Moshe and Shlomo are walking down the street when it starts to rain, and no little sprinkle either but a real shower. It just so happens that Moshe is carrying an umbrella.

"Nu," says Shlomo. "So when are you going to open the umbrella?"

"It won't do us any good," says Moshe. "It's full of holes.

"So why then did you bring it?" says Shlomo.

"Because," Moshe says with shrug, "I didn't think it would rain."

 

[SonWorshipper]

The Rabbi that was doing the entertainment at the Bar Mitzvat I was at today told this one.

A Priest a Minister and a Rabbi were discussing "rodent" problems in their separate houses of worship. The Priest and Minister said that they had tried everything and nothing worked, the mice always come back.

"I have the perfect solution" the Rabbi declared.The Priest and Minister listened intently while the Rabbi told them of his sure fire "removal" plan.

"This is what I do, it's really simple, Every time I find one I just Bar Mitzvat him and I never see them in my synagogue again!

 

[Shamash Of Yeshua]

Saddam Hussein
[font=Arial,Helvetica] Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. [/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica] "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily-accented voice said. "This is Yitzhak down in Tel Aviv, Israel. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" [/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica] "Well, Yitzhak," Saddam replied, "This is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?" [/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica] "At this moment in time," said Yitzhak after a moment's calculation, "there is me, my cousin Saul, my next-door neighbor Shlomo, and the entire pinnochle team from the deli -- that makes eight!" [/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica] Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Yitzhak, that I have 1million men in my [/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica] army waiting to move on my command." [/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica] "Oy vey!", said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring you back!" [/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica] Sure enough, the next day Yitzhak rang back. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" [/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica] "And what equipment would that be, Yitzhak?" Saddam asked. [/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica] "Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Goldberg's tractor from the kibbutz." [/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica] Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Yitzhak, that I have 16 [/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica] thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to one and a half million since we last spoke." [/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica] "Really?!" said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring you back!" [/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica] Sure enough, Yitzhak rang again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the [/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica] war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Moshe's ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!" [/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica] Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Yitzhak [/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica] that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MIG-19 attack planes, my military [/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica] complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and [/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica] since we last spoke, my army has increased to two million." [/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica] "Oy gevalt!", said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring you back." [/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica] Sure enough, Yitzhak called again the next day. "Right, Mr Hussein, I am [/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica] sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." [/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica] "I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" [/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica] "Well," said Yitzhak, "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can [/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica] feed two million prisoners.[/font]

 

[SonWorshipper]

Catholic math

Little Tommy (who was Jewish) was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, they tried everything they could think of. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the t! able and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise!!!!!!!!, little Tommy got an A in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.

She went to his room and said:

"Son, what was it????

Was it the nuns??"

Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, no.

"Well, then", she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms????

WHHHHAAAATTTT was it????"

Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.