DeerGlow, you are NOT going to hell. You are NOT going to be rejected. You haven't rejected God, for starters! If you really WERE an apostate and a blasphemer and all those things, you wouldn't even care about whether or not you'll go to hell. But you DO care. Stop letting all these thoughts of blasphemy and judgment and punishment frighten you. God isn't this brutal, unforgiving tyrant that unfortunately some theologies make Him out to be.
You remember how Jesus said, "Anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it" (Mark 10:15, NIV)? Well, what kind of God would a little child instinctively, wholeheartedly run to? A terrifying, wrathful monster who would torture people forever just because they made mistakes or got pulled into wrong behaviour for a time, no matter how much they regret it? Or an endlessly loving, forgiving,
welcoming Father with His arms wide open to receive them?
DeerGlow — BE that little child and RUN TO HIM! You always can, you know, no matter what. There IS a way out of this darkness you seem to be so caught in; your Shepherd is already leading you out of it. Even if you can only see one step ahead at a time, trust Him and follow. You can do it!
And by the way, do you know what the command repeated most frequently in the Bible is? "Fear not" or "Be not afraid."