Mentoring a Friend

[Waddler]

I have a friend who is around my age. Like many, he is distraught by being single. I certainly was, and because I've learned to be content in my singleness, I've extended an offer to help my friend learn what I've learned. He is, at least nominally, open to the idea.

The problem is, he has poor comforters, the way Job's friends tried and failed to counsel him in his despair. My friend has people in his life who tell him to pray his pain away, or simply put the responsibility for his pain on the women who have rejected him. Rejection can be painful, and prayer does help, but my friend is not ready for a relationship, and has been deluded by his many poor comforters into thinking he is.

Our readiness for a relationship isn't entirely circumstantial. It's not about achieving an ideal career, nor is it about owning a home or a car. To be ready for a relationship, we need to properly understand the purpose of a relationship, and my friend doesn't get that. He's pained by his singleness because that's where he's put his sense of self. "I'm not worthwhile unless I have a wife."

Unfortunately, his church encourages the mindset that, to be a "complete Christian," one must be married, have children, and so on. What my friend doesn't realize is, he will never feel complete if he doesn't accept his worth as an individual. His argument is that a person can't know who they're meant to be with unless they give every prospect in their lives a chance for at least one date.

He also believes he doesn't need to change as a person in order to attract a spouse, that God will cause a woman to fall in love with him, "warts and all." My experience has taught me to never put the key to my happiness in someone else's pocket, nor should we believe that we can carelessly move through life and expect people to appreciate us. I do believe there is one spouse who is perfect for each person God calls to marriage, but we still have to work to become the person we need to be to complement them.

I realize now I'm fighting an uphill battle against my friend's ideology, reinforced by his poor comforters. I have to get him to realize he's not ready for a relationship, and it's his responsibility to control his emotions. He feels entitled to opportunities with women, and I have to get him to realize no one owes him anything. Most of all, I need to help him see his value as a single man, and show him that value is not affected by his relationship status.

It's odd to me that I was once in his shoes, yet my transformation was so subtle, I hardly noticed it. Consequently, I'm at a loss as to where to begin with helping him.

 

[Drick]

I think the best thing you can do is to leave it alone. Eventually, he'll get lonely, and, whether consciously or unconsciously, he'll adapt to make himself more appealing to women. Once he finds a good woman, he'll probably realize that his current friends are losers, and spend less and less time with them. It's not even a choice, the need to attract a mate is built in instinctually, so there's really no need to intervene here.

 

[Waddler]

I think the best thing you can do is to leave it alone. Eventually, he'll get lonely, and, whether consciously or unconsciously, he'll adapt to make himself more appealing to women.

No, he won't. He's already lonely, and isn't inclined to change himself because he (wrongly) trusts God to bring him a woman who will accept him as he is. He doesn't feel the need to change to attract women. He'll simply continue to complain women aren't being fair by giving him a chance.

Once he finds a good woman, he'll probably realize that his current friends are losers, and spend less and less time with them. It's not even a choice, the need to attract a mate is built in instinctually, so there's really no need to intervene here.

He's not inclined to actively look for a relationship. The women who have rejected him have all been within his church, work, and social circles. He doesn't actively try new things, until his circumstances force him to. As time has gone on, he's confided more and more in the guys in his social circle that share his mentality, like shy boys at a middle school dance waiting for the hot girls to pity them enough to ask for a dance.

The desire for a mate may be somewhat instinctual, but it can also be warped. A person may feel the need for a mate, but if they believe they're entitled to one and can just sit around waiting and complaining, they'll die alone. I've seen that happen with people in my apartment building, who are so entitled and proud, no one wants anything to do with them.

 

[timewerx]

Unfortunately, his church encourages the mindset that, to be a "complete Christian," one must be married, have children, and so on.

Ironically, that's exactly the opposite of what the New Testament scriptures is saying.

Even Paul said, it's better to be single. Jesus said to "leave" family and wife and kids for His sake...

You have to wonder what Bible his church are using..