men and their intentions

[vibrant]

i guess men don't like when the discussion goes to this area, but i'm really feeling the need to ask a certain guy about his intentions. we've tried dating TWO separate times and being friends ONE time over several years -- that's THREE attempts -- and it's always fallen apart. he recently called after six months of silence and made the comment "i wish i was with you" when i answered his question by telling him i'm just relaxing.

the last time we just disintegrated was because i asked him to state his intentions. his words proclaimed this interest, but his actions showed disinterest, yet whenever he wanted to he felt like he could indulge in my time, my presence, and physical intimacy (like extended hugs, kisses on the cheeks, long walks, etc). he wanted to act like a boyfriend, but he didn't want to call himself a boyfriend and he want to be a boyfriend. our final and last date solidified that and i stopped calling him.

forward six months, he calls me again and i don't know what for. he wants to know my schedule (cause i bounce between two different cities), he claims he wants to be with me with the comment i initially wrote. it's nice to be remotely pursued but every time we've tried a relationship it as insubstantial or shabby. i know my family ran into problems with romance and stuff by not knowing what they want and standing firm. i do know and i do want to stand firm.

i'm thinking that maybe the next time he calls, cause he promised to call me back later that night and never did (!), i want to say...

- no, i don't want to meet you and please don't call again.

or

- i'm only talking to you because i want to be polite.

or

- just exactly are your intentions? (i certainly know mine and that's to bring a definitive end to this sputtering, gasping, empty thing we call our relationship -- wouldn't say it quite like that, but that's the gist of it.)

... but i sometimes feel rude or pretentious or something

 

[ShineForever]

I think you should state clearly what you want, and ask him to state clearly his intentions. I don't think it's rude, I think it's important. It's better than leading him on (not that you're doing that intentionally), but it seems he feels he can use you when ever he wants. So I would put a stop to that.

God Bless.

 

[Princess Pea]

I think you're on the right track. A friend of mine once said of her on-again, off-again boyfriend, "He doesn't really want to be with me. He just wants to have the option of being with me." Definitely stand firm! If I were you, I think I'd go with "no, I don't want to meet you ... " even though it "feels" rude. If you wanted to, you could add " ... until you're ready for a real relationship, because I'm not settling for less, with you, or anyone."

 

[Jenster]

^^ Great advice, both posts. You don't need a playboy. From what you've described, he has no intentions of having a real relationship with you. He simply has "feelings." ("I wish I was with you," he likes to have physical intimacy, etc.)

Is this guy the kind of man you can count on? Does he have mature qualities? Would you be proud to introduce him to your pastor, your parents, people whom you respect? If not, I'd tell him: "I'm sorry, I'm not interested in spending any more time with you. I'm ready for a real and long-lasting relationship."

 

[MadFingerPainter]

i think sometimes some men just want a relationship without the commitment. that way they can come and go as they please. they want all the benefits of a relationship without the responsibility to go with it. in my past experiences...anytime a man wanted a relationship with me it was for sexual purposes only. beyond that i wasn't worth the effort. i finally got to a place where i started stating what i expected and wanted and letting them know right off if they wanted anything else that i wasn't interested. i'd rather be dateless than be used and then tossed aside. so i'd say what you feel. i think PrincessPea's advice is a really good idea.

 

[SpeakLife329]

I think you're on the right track. A friend of mine once said of her on-again, off-again boyfriend, "He doesn't really want to be with me. He just wants to have the option of being with me." Definitely stand firm! If I were you, I think I'd go with "no, I don't want to meet you ... " even though it "feels" rude. If you wanted to, you could add " ... until you're ready for a real relationship, because I'm not settling for less, with you, or anyone."

Great advice.
Blessings
Kimberly

 

[vibrant]

good advice...

i can't knowingly enter into another relationship with him, knowing full well how badly he ends up acting. he's apt to create a false sense of intimacy or will just completely shut down, won't even talk, won't care, won't initial phone calls or dates, etc. that's what i mean by insubstantial and shabby. that's how he naturally acts towards me and i don't want it in my life.

another question. with him, silence doesn't mean no, but try again later. so even if i don't call him back, and he doesn't call me, he'll probably start calling me again in a few months. BUT i don't want it happening again. i just want to end it. can i call him just to tell him "you seemed to be trying to renew some sort of relationship when you called me last, but i'm not interested. please don't call me again".

can i initiate that kind of a phone call or do i have to wait till he calls me himself.

 

[FlatpickingJD]

As for your first question, I think Princess Pea hit the nail square on the head and Jenster added some REALLY good points.

As to your last question, I'd be inclined to say that you shouldn't call him. Even if you call to say 'bugger off, I want nothing more to do with you ever' he might think that since you called him there's still a chance no matter how unequivocally you say 'get out and stay away.' I could be wrong, but that's my thinking.

Good luck with this situation.

 

[porterross]

I think you're on the right track. A friend of mine once said of her on-again, off-again boyfriend, "He doesn't really want to be with me. He just wants to have the option of being with me." Definitely stand firm! If I were you, I think I'd go with "no, I don't want to meet you ... " even though it "feels" rude. If you wanted to, you could add " ... until you're ready for a real relationship, because I'm not settling for less, with you, or anyone."

Too right!

He just wants to know that you're available, so don't be. It won't hurt his feelings, just his pride.

IMO, you don't owe him any hint of an explanation about.......well, anything.

 

[brizyboy]

Sounds to me like he thinks you are on a string, or he might be using you as an emotional ego trip / trampoline.

You have lots of "big-sisters" here, all saying essentially the same thing - and very well at that! It sounds like you have a few battle wounds with him already. I forget which famous person said "The only bad mistake is one that is repeated". I'm guessing if you were in a relationship (or interested in someone else) you wouldn't be entertaining this latest "approach", heck, its not even an OFFER!

I have been on the receiving end of similar behaviour, and found that saying "No. I deserve better than this. Good bye. Click" gave me a feeling of self-respect. It legitimised (to me) that being single was better than being in an imbalanced relationship. A couple of years later, I saw her and she said that she actually respected me for standing up to her (because not many people do). But that's my story, not yours.

Have you heard the saying "An empty house is better than a bad tenant?". I draw a lot of comfort from that.