I often post on this forum in the politics and religion section, and have rarely talked about this. Many things in my family are not right. Although my dad loves my mom, brother and mom, he can be very controlling and emotionally harsh. When we were little, it used to be really bad. He would often yell at my mom (mostly my mom), at us too, or even worse would give the silent treatment, which would last usually a day or few days. We wouldn't know how he would behave so we would rarely have friends over, and I didn't look forward to Christmas or Easter because often during these times he would be really mean to my mom, either angry or sarcastic. Everything had to be done his way. We would always try to appease him, my mom especially, but so often it wouldn't matter. Things have gotten better, I've left the house 2 years ago and he's a bit less controlling although it's still bad.
I did a lot of stupid things, like cutting myself and thinking of killing myself and trying a few times. I'm getting married in 2 days to a woman who is amazing and a believer in the Lord and who I love, and I am glad but also scared because the idea of family scares me. Sometimes the memories come back and I explode. I go out and I start yelling and hitting trees and kicking posts, I know enough to get away from anyone and everyone when this comes. I bruise my knuckles and slam my head against stuff. Sometimes I want to die. I feel like a freak.
And this is most shameful because I am a Christian and I believe and love God and want to follow Him, but when the anger takes over I lose it. Then I cry like a pathetic baby.
I sometimes get angry at God for not having stopped this and what is still going on, and I wonder if He actually cares. Then I pray for something small, like for a situation not to escalate, and it doesn't and I feel like crap for doubting Him.
I have done human rights activism in places like Arizona and the West Bank and in the city where I live, and I have been beaten up and hospitalized once and threatened and spat on and almost arrested twice, but it's nothing compared to what the home stuff is like, although I've never ever been hit and neither has my mom or brother. The verbal and emotional stuff bloody hurts though, far worse than whatever physical pain I faced.
Sorry for ranting like this, I don't even know if this is in the right place but thanks for listening and reading.
I did a lot of stupid things, like cutting myself and thinking of killing myself and trying a few times. I'm getting married in 2 days to a woman who is amazing and a believer in the Lord and who I love, and I am glad but also scared because the idea of family scares me. Sometimes the memories come back and I explode. I go out and I start yelling and hitting trees and kicking posts, I know enough to get away from anyone and everyone when this comes. I bruise my knuckles and slam my head against stuff. Sometimes I want to die. I feel like a freak.
And this is most shameful because I am a Christian and I believe and love God and want to follow Him, but when the anger takes over I lose it. Then I cry like a pathetic baby.
I sometimes get angry at God for not having stopped this and what is still going on, and I wonder if He actually cares. Then I pray for something small, like for a situation not to escalate, and it doesn't and I feel like crap for doubting Him.
I have done human rights activism in places like Arizona and the West Bank and in the city where I live, and I have been beaten up and hospitalized once and threatened and spat on and almost arrested twice, but it's nothing compared to what the home stuff is like, although I've never ever been hit and neither has my mom or brother. The verbal and emotional stuff bloody hurts though, far worse than whatever physical pain I faced.
Sorry for ranting like this, I don't even know if this is in the right place but thanks for listening and reading.
