Melt downs

[fivepointTULIP]

If he has just weaned, he is not getting security and comfort at the breast at this point. If you nursed your child as I do mine, that was probably his primary emotional outlet. If your mommy instincts are saying he needs extra hugs and loves, they are most likely right.
A previous poster noted that he was probably feeling insecure. What are some things that could increase his security and comfort level? Do you have a regular schedule, regular activities, daily patterns that you follow that keep things stable for him? Does he have anything he holds close like a lovey or stuffed animal, that he could hold tight, or pummel, or throw without causing damage, and thus have an outlet for emotions he is not yet able to recognize and communicate?

I hope my little thoughts are of some kind of help.

 

[heart of peace]

It appeared that since I was the one disagreeing with you (post #6), that you were responding to my earlier post. It was a logical conclusion to deduce. If I misunderstood who you were speaking to, I humbly apologize. Perhaps, referring to the person you are responding to would have avoided that mishap.

Too many people are far too determined to misinterpret and take offense and I'm too used to posting in context and critical thinking forums and I'm unaccustomed to the fluffy ego stroke required to get a fair hearing here without the bias spin.

I'm confused so I shall ask you for clarification. Who exactly has this need to stroke their fluffy ego? Could you please specify the person you are speaking about so I could respond accordingly? And while you are at it, please specify those who are determined to misinterpret and take offense.

 

[Athaliamum]

Again I was talking generally. It has something I have noticed through the entirety of the forum, not just the parenting forum and not in reaction to just my posts. This really isn't the place for a debate, so please don't make it that, but for clarification in case others are wondering.

"Their" in that statement is no one particular individual but in general. That many people on this site seem to have this need to find fault, become defensive, take offense over very little things and decide to forgo God's order to love one another in order to argue and insult in a passive-aggressive manner. People are allowed to disagree and that's okay but for some reason people here can't keep the disagreement general and about the topic. Instead they quickly slip into making it individual and about the person.

For instance "Do you project your thoughts and judgments on your child in a similar manner?" written by you is personal and judgmental - it's not about the topic it was about me (and you don't know me). That is why I make my comments usually general because they are general comments about what I believe not judgements about or for someone else. I only address you now MsD because you have asked me to.

And what do I mean by fluffy ego? What I mean is that I am used to writing in academic forums where people do not use passive language. They also generally do not read and react like people do here but read, think and respond - there's a big difference.

Passive language is words like "maybe", "should", "could" - words that are non-comital. Instead words I am used to using are "are", "is", "do". Using definitive words about my thoughts doesn't instantly equate to other people who think differently to me being wrong. So what's the fluffy ego stroke? Having to water down and pacify my own individual thoughts, that are only my thoughts, because someone will read them and deem them to be judgmental of them because they're different to theirs. I've been to many forums, some religious some not, but this "judgement" only seems to happen in religious forums.

I have now come to expect this type of reaction and find it sad that that would be the place you (and many others) would choose to instantly go to personal and insulting comments when disagreeing rather than dealing with the topic. But if I didn't find it sad it would be just plain insulting because your comment for instance implies things about my parenting that are just plain rude/self-righteous. So I feel sad that so many here can only handle passive discussion and are constantly fighting the spirit of offense which I refuse to choose because it merely becomes fodder for sin and I don't want to be drawn into that thank you.

When it comes to the spirit of offense this site can be toxic and the devil runs sneakily a-riot.

And while you are at it, please specify those who are determined to misinterpret and take offense.

Them sounds like loaded words. Do you really need me to answer that question?

 

[HeatherJay]

Linnis, you and your controversial thread topics! Shame on you! Can I have a mommy hug, too? Please?

 

[heart of peace]

Athaliamum, thank you for taking the time to clarify yourself. I have no need to respond further.

 

[Robinsegg]

Hi!
We also use "blow hard" (to get the child to breathe deeply) to help him calm down.

Something that really helped my son after he weaned was to take time as soon as we were up in the morning for cuddles. It didn't matter what else was going on in the room, as long as I was holding him. It made a huge difference in his emotional state the rest of the day.

Rachel

 

[Catherineanne]

DS has decided he's two already with all out screaming freak outs like never before. He screams so hard and so loud I had security knocking on my door because my neighbors reported his screaming.

I try and predict what he wants and I ask him to tell me since he can now or I ask and he'll say yes or not. Sometimes no matter what I do he SCREAMS. It's so loud and goes on for so long I have been putting him in his room for a few minutes or using foam ear plugs to help with the painful ear ringing yelling although I can still hear him.

I don't think punishment would help, am I wrong?

Is this just typical two year old behavior?

Some say to ignore a temper tantrum while my Mommy feelings are telling me if he's upset [and not kicking me etc] maybe he just needs some extra cuddles.

Thoughts?

I am sure punishment would not be effective. Children crave attention, and this is the best reward for good behaviour, and the best thing to withdraw as a consequence of unwanted behaviour.

With my d (and other children, for that matter, even teens) I find that ignoring bad behaviour completely, just blanking it and the child out of your zone of awareness, works best. Tell your son you cannot see or hear him while he is screaming, and then act as if this is in fact the case. Pick up a magazine and read it, or go to sleep.

As soon as he stops screaming, start from where you were before as if nothing has happened. Say nothing about it, and do nothing about it.

It will not take long before he realises that this is not a good way to gain your attention, and gives up on it. He may intensify the first few times, but I am certain he will stop when he realises that you will not respond.

I have used this on teens hanging around outside my house. Sometimes when I am gardening they come over and chat, but if they start to swear too much, or start talking dirty (trying to be big) I tell them that I can't hear them or see them unless they behave properly. Then I blank them. It usually takes just one lesson for them to get the message. And, as with any children, the trick is to catch them doing something right. So once they are reasonable again I ask them about school, or about their holidays, or whatever, as if nothing has happened.

Incidentally, talking to a policeman recently, he said that in his experience people are afraid of youngsters hanging around the streets, and if a gang of youths are playing football and making a noise, they are afraid to stop them. I told him that if the kids around here are making too much noise I set a time limit; usually 2 hours. Then I go out and tell them they can have another 15 minutes, and then I want peace and quiet in the street, and they can go to the park. And they do it.

 

[Catherineanne]

Something that really helped my son after he weaned was to take time as soon as we were up in the morning for cuddles. It didn't matter what else was going on in the room, as long as I was holding him. It made a huge difference in his emotional state the rest of the day.

Rachel

This is a superb idea for any child.

 

[Catherineanne]

If she chooses to punish for emotional meltdowns, she has that right, too.

Children crave attention. If they cannot get it by positive behaviour, at any given time, they may try negative behaviour. I do not know enough to say whether this is the case here, as there are too many factors that we do not know about, so these comments are general only.

In general, children want attention, and if they try a particular way and it works, they will do it again.

Often what we think of as punishment, they may well see as achieving their goal; lots of time with mum or dad focussing on them, and only them. Positive attention is good, but if they cannot get that, for whatever reason, they will get negative attention, which they will interpret as interest and love (of a kind). Anything rather than being invisible and unloved; the very worst fate for any child.

Which means that parents who punish bad behaviour are likely to see an increase, as often as not.

The best way to discourage bad behaviour of any kind is to ignore it. This is not punishment, but withdrawal of attention. And it works.

 

[Linnis]

I didn't expect this thread to go the way it has. When will I learn.

 

[HeatherJay]

I have two wonderfully behaved children of my own. I WISH people would recognize that there is more than one way to parent. My household is largely non-punitive, and my girls respond amazingly well to our approach. I shared my own opinion on the matter. That's that.

 

[heart of peace]

Something that really helped my son after he weaned was to take time as soon as we were up in the morning for cuddles. It didn't matter what else was going on in the room, as long as I was holding him. It made a huge difference in his emotional state the rest of the day.

I like this idea. Starting off the day grounded in the parent/child attachment. It sets the tone for the day and helps one's child (especially a just weaned tot) to feel secure.

The best way to discourage bad behaviour of any kind is to ignore it. This is not punishment, but withdrawal of attention. And it works.

Withdrawal of attention could be a useful tactic to use in an older child. One who:
- has learned to understand all the dimensions of one's emotional body (fear, joy, excitement, sadness, etc)
- developed some sort of schema to handle any emotion that seems larger than life for him/her
- is firmly grounded in the parent/child attachment
- has demonstrated an ability to reason/understand

(among other elements)

How does withdrawing attention teach a 2 year old how to make sense with all the emotions he is feeling in a world that he now must navigate in a new way?

I propose that the parent stays completely calm and grounded without sugar coating her words (instead of Aw baby don't cry in a sing song voice ---- saying It's ok to cry, you feel scared/angry/etc that you can't do/have/etc in a calm and neutral tone.) While your child may be having a meltdown, your calm and groundedness will provide a lifeboat that your child can depend on and cling to when in the midst of such meltdowns. Then reminding the child that he is loved and that mommy is right there when he is ready for a hug or help.

 

[Linnis]

I think I might have discovered a major part of the problem. Two new molars!!! He's cutting his two year molars!

I have been giving him Hyland's teething tablets whenever he's really upset and within 4-5 minutes his mood improves.



He's still getting cuddles, he co-sleeps when he chooses to and he asks for hugs and kisses often during the day.

 

[HeatherJay]

I think I might have discovered a major part of the problem. Two new molars!!! He's cutting his two year molars!

I have been giving him Hyland's teething tablets whenever he's really upset and within 4-5 minutes his mood improves.



He's still getting cuddles, he co-sleeps when he chooses to and he asks for hugs and kisses often during the day.

Awww, poor boy. That explains so much. Good mommy.

 

[Linnis]

Awww, poor boy. That explains so much. Good mommy.

Yeah he bit me when stuck my finger in there to feel to know for sure.

 

[HeatherJay]

Yeah he bit me when stuck my finger in there to feel to know for sure.

LOL, little tiger.

 

[Leanna]

Maya has one molar fully poking out.... I examined her nice big girl tooth when she was screaming, of course... no biting that way