Meeting those who didn't know

[Missinyou]

We had our company Christmas dinner tonight and I ran across and old friend I hadn't seen all year. As he was leaving he asked me how my wife was doing. At first all I could do was stand and look at him...my mind racing for an answer that wouldn't start the tears flowing. I finally (which was probably only a second in time but a year in feelings) just said she had passed away on June 4th. This is the third time since I lost Patsy that this has happened. I know they all felt terrible for asking and I tell them not to worry, it's just something I have to get used to. Does this happen a lot over the first couple of years? You almost feel like sparing them the "foot in mouth" feeling and just saying she's doing fine...which she is, in God's care, but then they would only find out later and wonder what why I would say that. Again, thank you all for your caring. I have a friend who lost her husband two years ago and is still having a really rough time... I wish I could just help her get her life going again.
God bless you all.

 

[JeanR]

It has only been 9 weeks for me since Terry passed and I have only had this happen once so far. It was a good friend of ours, too. He was on vacation when Terry died and had no way of knowing. I was shocked that his extended family did not tell him since they came to the viewing, but I guess it's something that fell through the cracks. Not only was it awkward telling him that Terry had passed, but it was also seeing how he struggled keeping his composure together.

I experienced this, also, when my parents each died. You just take each situation and deal with it. I don't have any advice on how to handle it, except to just say a quick prayer and let God guide you through the moment.

What I am watching for right now are the Christmas cards that are arriving. So far none have been addressed to Mr. and Mrs. I have held off sending my cards for this very reason. If I get any addressed to both of us, I will have to let that person know that Terry is gone.

It always amazes me how quickly word spreads of a person dying and then how that whole process can also break down.

 

[ComesoonmyLORD]

Over the last year for me this has happened several times. Ginger and I had friends all over and many we don't/didn't see except maybe once or twice a year. Your response of "She's fine, she's with our Lord and Savior now" is a very good response. It allows you to tell them without making them feel so bad. I think you'll find yourself in this situation again, so prepare yourself. I've gotten several Christmas cards already with "Jerry and Ginger". I try to call them when I can to tell them personally, I think that's a little better for them, but some I only have the mailing address, so I guess I'll have to write them. Just try to keep moving forward. This is just one of those hills we have to climb. We'll be better once we make it to the top, one step at a time. Press On!

 

[ezylemon]

I had a friend of my husbands come to the door looking for him 4 days after his death. He could not believe what I told him.
I have not yet been through anyone else asking, it's been only a month. I might just lose it and start crying the first time. It's still all too raw.

 

[JeanR]

Ok, here is an awkward moment. I received a Christmas card from my deceased mother's only surviving sibling. It was addressed to Terry and Jean. I can't believe that my aunt (she lives 100 miles away) never received word that Terry died. I can't believe that with all the family members my brother called for me that we forgot to call her! To make it worse, I am named after this aunt.

This is a major oversight. I'm just going to have to call her, but I know she is going to be so hurt. I just want to send a card and tell her in the card, but that is the coward's way out. Yikes!

 

[ComesoonmyLORD]

Oh boy. I know that this will be hard. I'm praying for you in this. Give it all to Him.

 

[faithgoeson]

(((((((((hugs to you all))))))))))) I wish none of you had to go through this. Unfortunately, you will all run into this a few times over the years. There's nothing you can do to make the words sound right when someone doesn't know. You just kind of have to do it like ripping off a bandaid and get on with it. A year and a half after Donny died, I ran into his best friend from highschool in Las Vegas, of all places. I had tried and tried to find this guy w/ no luck, but run into him when on vacation there. He was so happy to see me, and of course, wanted to know where Donny was. Oh, how I hated breaking his heart like that! What a lousy thing to have to do, but he had to know. I still get telemarketers who call for him, even over 5 yrs. later. I used to tell the bill collectors they could find him at Rivermonte Cemetary. Fortunately, I haven't run into any old aquaintances as of late. But, you never know when you might. It's best just to be honest and pray for strength. I still get the occasional, and what does your husband do for a living or where is your husband stuff. I hate having to tell people, he's deceased. They always get so shocked, and then it's like you ruin their whole day. You feel like you should appologize to them for having a deceased spouse. I sure wish none of you had to go through this.

 

[Missinyou]

When we lose our soul mate, our lives are turned so upside down and we have to delegate so much and there is so much help offered, that things are bound to be overlooked. I know for a couple of weeks afterward I would be setting somewhere and all of a sudden a name would pop in to my mind, and I would run for the phone, and have apologize all over myself for not calling earlier. I realize this was a very important aunt, but given the circumstances, I think she just might understand.

 

[pauldst]

Your response of "She's fine, she's with our Lord and Savior now" is a very good response. It allows you to tell them without making them feel so bad. I think you'll find yourself in this situation again, so prepare yourself.

Yes, I shall have to remember this.

(((((((((hugs to you all))))))))))) I wish none of you had to go through this. Unfortunately, you will all run into this a few times over the years. There's nothing you can do to make the words sound right when someone doesn't know. You just kind of have to do it like ripping off a bandaid and get on with it..... They always get so shocked, and then it's like you ruin their whole day. You feel like you should appologize to them for having a deceased spouse. I sure wish none of you had to go through this.

Yep, I am dealing with this regularly. There are people I delegated notification of to others and I don't think they all got told. I just got a phone call today from a credit card company today calling for Cheryl wondering why they had not been paid lately (I thought I had called them and made arrangements). Now, the telemarkers...I don't mind so much potentially ruining their day.

Paul

 

[faithgoeson]

Yes, I shall have to remember this.


Yep, I am dealing with this regularly. There are people I delegated notification of to others and I don't think they all got told. I just got a phone call today from a credit card company today calling for Cheryl wondering why they had not been paid lately (I thought I had called them and made arrangements). Now, the telemarkers...I don't mind so much potentially ruining their day.

Paul

lol I rather enjoy ruining telemarketers days at times.

 

[ComesoonmyLORD]

LOL. I rather enjoy that myself. I like to talk them for awhile (on their nickle) and then just hang up on them. Sometimes I'll just lay the phone down and come back to hang it up later. I can listen to my brother talk to them and in 2 minutes I can hardly breath because I'm laughing so hard! He plays this old country hick and talks where they can hardly understand him. I should record him one day.

 

[pauldst]

LOL. I rather enjoy that myself. I like to talk them for awhile (on their nickle) and then just hang up on them. Sometimes I'll just lay the phone down and come back to hang it up later. I can listen to my brother talk to them and in 2 minutes I can hardly breath because I'm laughing so hard! He plays this old country hick and talks where they can hardly understand him. I should record him one day.

LOL

I remember a cartoon I saw years and years ago--For Better or Worse, I think--where a woman answers a telemarketers call. Of course the first question is, "How are you?" So she tells him...in detail! "My back is aching again...and the kids are having trouble with their grades...and the furnace needs repaired...etc." I have tried this a time or two, and usually use the short version, but I don't have the patience, I guess, to take the time to make all of them truly suffer...
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Paul

 

[JeanR]

ezylemon

Everything ok?

Jean

 

[Argent]

The thing I found most effective is:

Me: "Actually, my wife passed away last Sepember, but with God's grace our family is coping with the loss."

Immediately, They: "I'm so sorry. I didn't know."

Me: "Thank you for asking about her. Everyone has been so kind during such a difficult time." and then change the subject, and let it pass.

Dwelling on the subject makes everyone uncomfortable, so move the conversation forward, for your benefit as well as theirs. If they didn't know about the death, they probably arent' so close to you that you'll want to go into the details, although they will be curious and might ask.

 

[Missinyou]

There hasn't been anybody ask since before Christmas, and that was someone who really surprised me by not knowing. Oh, I'm sure they will still come along for awhile, but I'm sure I have healed, at least to the extent I'll be able to cope with it. You are right though, just tell them it's okay and no need to be sorry. She's in God's Kingdom.

 

[JeanR]

It happened again. I went to the dentist and the hygentist didn't know that Terry had died. We have been going to this particular dental practice for about 20 years. She was so upset and pretty much cried through my whole cleaning. I don't know who felt worse, her or me.

Have you been taken by surprise, though, by someone you thought you were close to, but did not come to the viewing or services, never sent a card or phoned? There is one couple who we were so close to (the husband was Terry's childhood friend) that have just seemed to bow out of the picture. I guess a part of me is hurt or else I would just pick up the phone and call them. The longer time passes by, however, the harder it would be to contact them. Well, I guess I just answered my own question. I should just pick up the phone and call them.

 

[Missinyou]

It happened again. I went to the dentist and the hygentist didn't know that Terry had died. We have been going to this particular dental practice for about 20 years. She was so upset and pretty much cried through my whole cleaning. I don't know who felt worse, her or me.

Have you been taken by surprise, though, by someone you thought you were close to, but did not come to the viewing or services, never sent a card or phoned? There is one couple who we were so close to (the husband was Terry's childhood friend) that have just seemed to bow out of the picture. I guess a part of me is hurt or else I would just pick up the phone and call them. The longer time passes by, however, the harder it would be to contact them. Well, I guess I just answered my own question. I should just pick up the phone and call them.

I know we all have complained about fitting in to a "couples" world. We have all said one thing or another about not fitting in, but JearR's talking about the close friends that have just kind of bowed out of the picture, got me to thinking. Perhaps we should look at it from their point of view too. How do they, as a happy couple, deal with someone who has just lost their spouse. Should they pull away and give you support from a distance???? Or do they make their presence known a lot??? Does their being a couple make them feel that they will only bring back memories of your dear departed if they hang around???
I guess we should ask ourselves how they're feeling. They may be questioning a lot too. JeanR, I think your calling them is a good thing for you to do. For yourself and for them.

 

[Bevlina]

It happened again. I went to the dentist and the hygentist didn't know that Terry had died. We have been going to this particular dental practice for about 20 years. She was so upset and pretty much cried through my whole cleaning. I don't know who felt worse, her or me.

Have you been taken by surprise, though, by someone you thought you were close to, but did not come to the viewing or services, never sent a card or phoned? There is one couple who we were so close to (the husband was Terry's childhood friend) that have just seemed to bow out of the picture. I guess a part of me is hurt or else I would just pick up the phone and call them. The longer time passes by, however, the harder it would be to contact them. Well, I guess I just answered my own question. I should just pick up the phone and call them.

I have had that happen to me countless times and it always hits with a force.
And yes, I had many friends just vanish never to be heard from again. I have no idea why and don't want to know now. I didn't pick up the phone, I felt that was their place to phone, not the place of the widow. I think I may be too much of a realist.

 

[Missinyou]

I have had that happen to me countless times and it always hits with a force.
And yes, I had many friends just vanish never to be heard from again. I have no idea why and don't want to know now. I didn't pick up the phone, I felt that was their place to phone, not the place of the widow. I think I may be too much of a realist.

As far as I feel about myself, I believe you have to be a friend to have a friend. After JeanR's last message, I just can't quit thinking that perhaps those people are holding back for one simple reason, they just don't want to stir up something that you are slowly healing from. They definitely think in terms of "we", while we think in terms of "I". Perhaps we're finally having a half way decent day, and then the phone call comes, and we all know that we don't start crying till the memories start up, and when the phone rings, we know they are checking up on us to see how we are doing in our lonely world...and then our decent day comes to an end. I say make the phone call, invite them to drop in sometime, and then if nothing happens, well I guess that maybe they weren't all that good of friends to begin with. Perhaps you're better off without their input.
But that's all just my feelings. Each of us is an individual and we must follow our own hearts.
God bless you all,
Missinyou