Mean People

[Velcro]

I spent the night at my son's house the other night, and in our conversation, I mentioned that I thought I had seen someone, whom I had considered to be a church-friend years ago, going out of the parking lot of a local store as I was entering it. My daughter-in-law asked me, "Did she see you?" I responded, "She looked right at me." My DIL asked, "Did you talk?" "No." She asked, "Why not? Why didn't you go after her?" I thought about that for a moment, then I responded, "Because she was mean." We all thought about that for awhile, then my daughter-in-law said, "A lot of people in that church were mean." My son responded, "Most of the people in leadership there were simply mean people."

These were Bible-believing folks in several states who all belonged to the same small church organization. They really had hearts for G-d, and they wanted to be obedient to the Bible, but my son and daughter-in-law are right: there were an awful lot of mean people among them, especially in the leadership, who were truly mean people.

The next night, I was at home, and i received an unexpected call from a friend who still attends that church. (I do not, nor do any in my family.) After the usual amenities, I asked her how things were going at church, and to my shock, she responded, "I am learning something: a lot of the people in that church are really mean people." I nearly fell off the davenport, and I was lying down on it! No one in the family had said anything to this woman for months, and she said the very same thing. She went on to say that a huge majority of those in the church she attends are also elitists who look down their noses as some others, and she was right again. But I suggested to her that this is more dominating in the church she attends, and in a couple of the other churches in that organization, but not in all. I think I am right.

What in the Word brings people to such a state of being "mean people" in the name of G-d? How dare we be "mean people" in the name of the L-rd!! And how does elitism fit in the spectrum of living as a believer?

Unfortunately, I have seen the same meanness and elitism in other believers, not just in that church, and have actually been an occasional recipient of it. May G-d help us all not to be "mean people" -- especially "mean people in the Name of G-d!"

 

[El Brujo]

This brings to mind an old saying I once heard...

"If your religion hasn't done anything for your temper, it probably hasn't done much for your soul."

 

[Velcro]

Entirely too true.

 

[DailyBlessings]

I had that problem once! When I first moved here, I attended an "LCMS" Lutheran church, completely unaware that there even was a rift in the Lutheran church. But a lot of people there did- the first thing they asked me was which synod I belonged to, and after that they stopped talking to me altogether except to point out that I wasn't allowed to take communion with them.

Gracious! Luckily, I found another (more Christ-like and loving) church elsewhere in the city, or I might just not have had a church for the duration of my college career, a situation that I think would have been very bad for me.

 

[Alecto]

Many of those who worship a compassionate and loving diety do little to emulate thier faith

 

[kierkegaard214]

Many of those who worship a compassionate and loving diety do little to emulate thier faith

So unfortunetly true, it makes me sad sometimes.

 

[tapero]

It's the matter of the heart. The condition of the heart.

 

[iichestnutii]

Greetings, they remind me of the Church in Ephesus in Revelation 2:1. They do all that is required of them but they forgot their first love. I think a lot of Christians live by the word of God but do it with the wrong heart. Rightiousness is not determined by ones deeds alone, it's measured by God with the intent of the deed in the our heart.

 

[Azna]

I spent the night at my son's house the other night, and in our conversation, I mentioned that I thought I had seen someone, whom I had considered to be a church-friend years ago, going out of the parking lot of a local store as I was entering it. My daughter-in-law asked me, "Did she see you?" I responded, "She looked right at me." My DIL asked, "Did you talk?" "No." She asked, "Why not? Why didn't you go after her?" I thought about that for a moment, then I responded, "Because she was mean." We all thought about that for awhile, then my daughter-in-law said, "A lot of people in that church were mean." My son responded, "Most of the people in leadership there were simply mean people."

These were Bible-believing folks in several states who all belonged to the same small church organization. They really had hearts for G-d, and they wanted to be obedient to the Bible, but my son and daughter-in-law are right: there were an awful lot of mean people among them, especially in the leadership, who were truly mean people.

The next night, I was at home, and i received an unexpected call from a friend who still attends that church. (I do not, nor do any in my family.) After the usual amenities, I asked her how things were going at church, and to my shock, she responded, "I am learning something: a lot of the people in that church are really mean people." I nearly fell off the davenport, and I was lying down on it! No one in the family had said anything to this woman for months, and she said the very same thing. She went on to say that a huge majority of those in the church she attends are also elitists who look down their noses as some others, and she was right again. But I suggested to her that this is more dominating in the church she attends, and in a couple of the other churches in that organization, but not in all. I think I am right.

What in the Word brings people to such a state of being "mean people" in the name of G-d? How dare we be "mean people" in the name of the L-rd!! And how does elitism fit in the spectrum of living as a believer?

Unfortunately, I have seen the same meanness and elitism in other believers, not just in that church, and have actually been an occasional recipient of it. May G-d help us all not to be "mean people" -- especially "mean people in the Name of G-d!"

Meanness is contagious. People are highly susceptible to being influenced by what everyone else does and perpetuates as being commonly acceptable. It's called peer pressure. And it's not something relegated to Junior High School children.

The only way to combat meanness is to not reciprocate it. In other words, If you want someone to be nice to you, you must be nice to them, even if in your opinion, they doen't deserve it. You should have said "hello" to the (in your opinion) "mean" woman. You, in essense, I'm sorry, were mean to her when you looked her straight in the eye and chose not to say "Hello". And unfortunately, whether it was your intention or not, you perpetuated the cycle.

Sometimes a kind word is all a person needs to be a little kinder. And even if it didn't effect her that way...it would have effected you possitively.

When someone is being "mean" to me, I consider that they may have just gotten into a fight with their husband. Or their child may have just had a melt down right before they saw me. Or they might be in pain or be ill in some way. Or they may feel alone and unloved. I think, how would I want to be treated if I was having a really bad day? And, I would rather someone smiled at me and said "Hi! How are you?" then look me in the eye and choose not to say "Hello". That would make me feel so bad about myself. And it would probably not make me want to be nice to that person the next time I saw them either.

I know it's hard. It's a whole lot easier to be nice to someone who's nice to you. But if you are going to look someone square in the face and not say "Hello" to them...you have to be willing to take part of the responsibility for the feelings in play.

What I've found to really work for me is to pray for the person who I'm angry, upset at, feel snubbed by, or just don't like. Praying changes the way you even look at them after that. You may find that you want to be nice to her. And that your being her friend was what she really needed all along.

I think a lot of times people think that because someone goes to church that it should hold them to a higher standard. It's as if by taking the name "Christian" a person is automatically supposed to be like Jesus. But you and I know that that people are people. And all people struggle. Doing what we know we're supposed to is easier said than done. And if we don't support each other when we're not doing our best...it makes it that much harder.

So be a friend. Being a friend is more about you than them anyway. And who knows...maybe when you're having a really bad day and you can't find it in your heart to be pleasant, someone will be nice to you.

(Please, don't think I'm pointing fingers at you. My advise is from the "been there, done that" perspective. )

 

[Velcro]

I really do see where you are coming from with your advice, but in my case, I seriously would not bother. What I did not write in my other post (too long, too involved, too much information) was that not only was she driving out of the parking lot I was entering, but that I had been kicked out of her church, and she is one of the pastors' wife. She has a certain, um, spot to fill and a certain aura she needs to maintain. Further, I had given her my email address, asking her to write, and she never did. I had later seen her at a couple funerals and one social gathering, and she was obviously more interested in maintaining her "aura" then in continuing even a distant lite relationship.

I am a very patient woman, and my tendancy is to be very lenient with such persons, with the hope that they will "see the light" and "just be nice." I prayed for and with them; I gave, gave, gave; I was patient with them far beyond reason; I was friendly in the face of their derision. Eventually, however, after putting up with so much, I lost interest.

The fact is that after I was kicked out of that church, I eventually realized that there were a lot of takers there and very few givers, a lot of people who had the "my way or no way" attitude, a lot with an extremely extremist "holier than thou" attitude. We can all do far better without such persons. They drag people down.

End of the story: I gave them all I had for 50 years; I have no more to give them and have moved on.

 

[Alecto]

I am a very patient woman, and my tendancy is to be very lenient with such persons, with the hope that they will "see the light" and "just be nice."

I got news, people like that will NEVER "see the light". Idiocy is like junk mail, you just never see the end of it

 

[Azna]

Sorry Velcro. The way you worded it made it sound as though you were walking into a door that she was walking out of. Cars in motion make what I suggested pretty difficult.

Sorry that you had a bad experience. I know I have a real hard time with that myself. You let your guard down with people who you think really should be more godly. And when they aren't...it feels like betrayal.

 

[roseglass6370]

I had that problem once! When I first moved here, I attended an "LCMS" Lutheran church, completely unaware that there even was a rift in the Lutheran church. But a lot of people there did- the first thing they asked me was which synod I belonged to, and after that they stopped talking to me altogether except to point out that I wasn't allowed to take communion with them.

I know that was posted a long time ago but a similar thing happened to my family with a Lutheren church. We weren't exactly like them and they snubbed us! If we ever missed one Sunday we where shunned and frowned down upon the next week. They placed themselves high above everybody else. I thought Christianity taught compassion...

~Brooke

 

[Chajara]

I hope this isn't a trend among Lutheran churches... because I'm thinking of joining one.

 

[DailyBlessings]

I assure you that it is not. I've been to many Lutheran churches, and that was the only bad experience I had. I think it is more likely to occur in those churches which practice closed communion, such as those in the Missouri or Wisconsin Synods.

 

[Electric Skeptic]

The amazing thing is that the world's christians, who (supposedly) have a direct path to the all-loving god, are, on the whole, just as mean as non-christians.

 

[Jetgirl]

Unfortunately, I have seen the same meanness and elitism in other believers, not just in that church, and have actually been an occasional recipient of it. May G-d help us all not to be "mean people" -- especially "mean people in the Name of G-d!"

Unfortunately, this very problem is what stopped me from going to chuch in the first place, when I was a Christian.

The people my age were simply cruel. It was the same in the other churches I tried. I gave up after a while, and would spend Sundays going to parks and preserves, since I felt closer to God in His creation rather than in a pew full of people judging me.

 

[Chajara]

Unfortunately, this very problem is what stopped me from going to chuch in the first place, when I was a Christian.

The people my age were simply cruel. It was the same in the other churches I tried. I gave up after a while, and would spend Sundays going to parks and preserves, since I felt closer to God in His creation rather than in a pew full of people judging me.

It's sad when this happens, but a lot of times I feel the same way. Perhaps I should make it a point to start walking down to the woods near my house

This actually happened when I was in my last church, a missionary baptist one in Kentucky. Most of the adults were great... they were like a second family to me. But when the youth group came around, they were just a bunch of elitest jerks and I wanted nothing to do with them. Unfortunately, the group leader wouldn't leave me alone and kept trying to get me to go with the youth group instead of sitting in with the adults at their service. I know he meant well, but it really took away from my church experience.

 

[Velcro]

But here's the good news: there are really great congregations out there. After I was booted, I called one I already knew well, told the leader what had happened, asked if I could join there, and without hesitation, he welcomed me and told me, "You are already a member."

When I was hurt, it seemed, beyond repair and did not show up for weeks, one of the leaders called ans asked if he could come pray with me. I knew I could have said no, and that would have been the end of it -- no harassment. But i said yes. He came, we talked, he prayed, and i said, "I will be there." I have been going ever since.

Not only did all the adults welcome me as though I was an old friend, but I am completely amazed at the young people there. They are sweet, respectful, and they are friends with one another. I have found none of the old elitism there.

Not long after I joined and weeks before, I had been rearended twice within 10 days. Although my husband was (and is) not a member there, we needed to move, the leaders, some of the adults, and several teenagers showed up, loaded the truck, unloaded the truck, and put everything in all the right rooms. It was amazing: what would have taken us days and days was done in hours.

Don't give up, people. The right congregations with the right leaders are out there. I have been so completely blessed. What was intended for harm turned out to be a bigger blessing than I can express.

Our very important job is to make sure we are never -- ever -- "mean people."

 

[Jetgirl]

Our very important job is to make sure we are never -- ever -- "mean people."

I agree completely, and this should be regardless of faith or lack of.

What I find most grating and hurtful is when the meanness is poorly laqured with a veneer of "in your best interest" and "we just want to help you".