Me today..

[BalletDancer]

So....I'm sitting here and wanting to reach out, but also not. It's eleven thirty-two AM and I woke up at seven fourty-five and had a little bit of breakfast (frosted flakes. ah) but not a lot because I started feeling sick, since I didn't find the whole throwing up thing attractive this morning, I stopped eating.

Then I went to church, which was fun

Then I got home and I've been on the computer since annnnd that's lazy. so now it's eleven fourty-seven and I'm hungry and I'm very upset about that! It's not even noon yet and my body is telling me to eat. but I don't want to yet. I'm having lunch at church today anyway, silly body. just wait!

I'm nervous, I've never eaten at church before and it's been a while since I've eaten in a group. I hope it goes well.

I've been losing weight. Which is odd because my diet hasn't changed much....I got my first period this year (like....I've had it before, I just haven't had it this year) and maybe that's why? but yucckkk weight gain = period.

You may have already read this in my other thread, but I got shorts at costco and they're too big even though they're two sizes down from my regular size. whhhaat? I haven't lost THAT much weight! I don't like vanity sizing, it's stupid. I can still fit my regular size jeans, I can't fit the shorts because they fall right off, but I can't fit into my jeans from when my ed was really bad. soooo what the heck? ahh annoying! I just want pants/shorts/lower half of my body garments to fit!

my stomach is still growling meanie.

 

[dreamingofasong]

Hi sweetie,

I hope you're doing okay, PM me if you wanna talk, okay?

--dreamingofasong*

 

[BalletDancer]

Thanks

The church lunch went really great actually, I walked in and the pastor's assistant was like "kayla! kayla! come sit by me!" and so I sat with her and met the high school pastor who took a lot of interest in me which I thought was nice and I met a lot of new Christians too, so that was great. I got to talk about myself and my future plans (college, ballet, teaching, Europe, my ballet teacher) I was really social!! I got lunch and I tried to eat it but wasn't very successful, I talked instead. It was good though...
I feel better now, except I have to eat dinner myself tonight so I don't know how well that will go....

 

[BrokenForHim]

I'm praying for you hun..if you ever need to talk I'm here for..just a PM away

 

[dreamingofasong]

Hi

How are you doing right now? I dont know what time it is where you are, but how long until supper/have you eaten yet?

I'm praying for you
--dreamingofasong*

 

[BalletDancer]

My dad is making food right now, but i'm leaving any minute for church...

 

[BalletDancer]

I don't want to hurt my body for the future. That's so mean of me, like ruining my future. but I don't want to stop my ed either because it helps me and it keeps me not fat/overweight. I don't want to hurt my body, it's from God, it's the best gift He could ever give me. My teacher once told me "who am I to "improve" upon the work of God?" Why am I trying to change my God-given body?

I'm not really sure why I don't want to meet my nutritional needs. I just don't like eating, and when I eat I have no motivation to work on the nutritional needs thing. I eat whatever is the least challenging for me. I'm watching this show about African children and them not having food and stuff and oh my gosh, I'm so selfish. I hate this, I'm not a selfish person usually but I sooo am about food. Why can't I just give my food to them?

To gain/maintain weight I can meet allll my nutritional needs by eating three meals a day and three snacks and at least one meal with protein the size of my fist. I've gotten the speech tons of times, but I just don't want to enforce it. because i'm scared of getting hugely fat and i'm scared of the out of control "i'll never stop eating" feelings I get when I don't restrict. I don't want to go through the process of making my stomach able to eat a whole entire meal. no thanks.

but if i keep going then I will get all sick and more injuries and hurt my future.

what do I do?!!!! I don't want to go to treatment again, not ever. please? I can't take it!

The whole uncertainty with graduation, college, changing areas, going to europe, leaving home, leaving the people I love (ellie and my ballet teacher!!!!) it's just all so much.

 

[jjd]

My heart goes out to you because you remind me so much of myself a couple years ago. All I can tell you is that you can trust God--He knows your heart, and won't give you anything more that you can handle. I know EXACTLY what you mean by wanting to decide when to give your body food rather that it telling you. It is so hard to let got of that control. If you need any specific advice about how to go about recovering, please feel free to pm me. I never thought I could ever be as free from my ed as I am now, but it is happening, and I am so grateful. And you can do it too. I will be praying for you.

~jjd