Greetings people,
Since yesterday I am struggling with contriteness. I have feelings of remorse and exasperation because of my own sinfulness, my weakness to resist evil. It has been written in Ephesians 6:12 "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places."
Now, I used to touch a lot and have the most perverse fantasies of unchastity. Yet, I controlled it and did hardly lead others into temptation, kept it mostly to myself, because of [BIBLE]Corinthians 6:18[/BIBLE] "Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body". Therefore I have never had sex or kissed a girl. But I had and still have a hard time to not touch. I confessed myself to a priest, but after the house of the spirit was cleaned, the obscene thoughts returned with more force and I forgot about God and even watched porn. I have problems not to look at girls in a way that makes the light of myself darkness, as it is written: [BIBLE]Luke 11:34[/BIBLE] "The light of the body is the eye: therefore when thine eye is single, thy whole body also is full of light; but when thine eye is evil, thy body also is full of darkness."
Now, in my foolishness, for myself I made an oath to God, thinking that I could keep my word, not to touch anymore. I did not only break that oath once but 4 or 5 times since. That, most of anything, is a reason for my anguish.
I also tried to seduce a girl, who I know has issues with relationships, and intended to open her heart for evil thoughts and suggestions in order to have fornication with her. I repented and apologized to her, explaining it.
Of all this, what bothers me most, is the oath. I am afraid of the consequences. I am honestly repentant, but I am afraid I have strained God's patience once too often. I don't want to "burn", as it has been written in [BIBLE]1. Corinthians 7:9[/BIBLE] "But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn". I would prefer marriage, but marriage takes time to build a relationship and a lot of responsibility. God does want us to be fertile and my secret desire is to have sex without the risk of having children. I am not heeding God's will and the devil wants to pull me away from Him.
I wish I could reject the devil once and for all and gain God's forgiveness, especially for that broken promise I made to Him. But at times I forget about God, I am blind to His will. I have doubts, I doubt everything and I have no fear of God in my heart. I try to justify licentiousness and convice myself that it is not against God, and all that induced by the devil. If you could spare a prayer for me, I thank you, because I am a battlefield between the spirits of good and evil, and I always open my heart to Satan and I wish I wouldn't. How can I atone? I sometimes think about killing myself, so as to not sin anymore or lead others into temptation.
For your information, I am male, 26. May the peace of the Lord be upon you.
Since yesterday I am struggling with contriteness. I have feelings of remorse and exasperation because of my own sinfulness, my weakness to resist evil. It has been written in Ephesians 6:12 "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places."
Now, I used to touch a lot and have the most perverse fantasies of unchastity. Yet, I controlled it and did hardly lead others into temptation, kept it mostly to myself, because of [BIBLE]Corinthians 6:18[/BIBLE] "Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body". Therefore I have never had sex or kissed a girl. But I had and still have a hard time to not touch. I confessed myself to a priest, but after the house of the spirit was cleaned, the obscene thoughts returned with more force and I forgot about God and even watched porn. I have problems not to look at girls in a way that makes the light of myself darkness, as it is written: [BIBLE]Luke 11:34[/BIBLE] "The light of the body is the eye: therefore when thine eye is single, thy whole body also is full of light; but when thine eye is evil, thy body also is full of darkness."
Now, in my foolishness, for myself I made an oath to God, thinking that I could keep my word, not to touch anymore. I did not only break that oath once but 4 or 5 times since. That, most of anything, is a reason for my anguish.
I also tried to seduce a girl, who I know has issues with relationships, and intended to open her heart for evil thoughts and suggestions in order to have fornication with her. I repented and apologized to her, explaining it.
Of all this, what bothers me most, is the oath. I am afraid of the consequences. I am honestly repentant, but I am afraid I have strained God's patience once too often. I don't want to "burn", as it has been written in [BIBLE]1. Corinthians 7:9[/BIBLE] "But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn". I would prefer marriage, but marriage takes time to build a relationship and a lot of responsibility. God does want us to be fertile and my secret desire is to have sex without the risk of having children. I am not heeding God's will and the devil wants to pull me away from Him.
I wish I could reject the devil once and for all and gain God's forgiveness, especially for that broken promise I made to Him. But at times I forget about God, I am blind to His will. I have doubts, I doubt everything and I have no fear of God in my heart. I try to justify licentiousness and convice myself that it is not against God, and all that induced by the devil. If you could spare a prayer for me, I thank you, because I am a battlefield between the spirits of good and evil, and I always open my heart to Satan and I wish I wouldn't. How can I atone? I sometimes think about killing myself, so as to not sin anymore or lead others into temptation.
For your information, I am male, 26. May the peace of the Lord be upon you.
