Marrying Woes

[kyzar]

Hey There Everyone,

You probably wont remember me but I'm back (after being away for a few months now)...
I am getting married in 19 months (30 September 2006 - gotta plan early!) and i would just like everyone's thoughts on my fiances and my own church going ideas.
Once we're married we'll be spending 3 weeks a month at my church (i lead the singing among other things there) and 1 week a month at her church. We've both grown up at our respective churches and feel attatched to them, (and we also agree with the doctrines taught etc...) and therefore we can't 'let go' of either one...
So the 3/1 week idea is our 'solution', because neither of us like any of the churches in the area (doctrine-wise)...

So honest opinions, wat do you think?

 

[Fat]

When I married my wife she was a member of LDS and I was a life long Baptist. She has been a Baptist for 25 years now and the best Christian partner that one could ever ask for.

Who is responsible for the religious direction in a Christian home?

One Church (in my humble opinion).

 

[Sword-In-Hand]

I agree with Fat. There should be one church you both should commit to and attend. My advice is to pray that God would reveal whether it is your church or her church where you will be fed the most. A person I'm going to use as an example is Max Lucado. He is a member of the Reformed Church of Christ, but in his books he explains that he does not hold on to all of their beliefs, he just knows that's where God wants him. I hope that gives you something to think on.

 

[ZiSunka]

I've seen mixed marriages work (my own parents would be the best example) but they are difficult and someone is always going to be unsatisfied.

I've seen couples do the one week your church/one week my church thing, but it is always going to make your lives schizophrenic.

There aren't any nice young women in your own church? Life will be easier and much more fruitful if you are on the same spiritual path with your wife.

 

[Crazy Liz]

Hey There Everyone,

You probably wont remember me but I'm back (after being away for a few months now)...
I am getting married in 19 months (30 September 2006 - gotta plan early!)

As a Mennonite, I have to say that is WAY too long an engagement.

But I have said that to at least one other couple here, and later noticed the date they set was sooner than they said when they were first engaged.

and i would just like everyone's thoughts on my fiances and my own church going ideas.
Once we're married we'll be spending 3 weeks a month at my church (i lead the singing among other things there) and 1 week a month at her church. We've both grown up at our respective churches and feel attatched to them, (and we also agree with the doctrines taught etc...) and therefore we can't 'let go' of either one...
So the 3/1 week idea is our 'solution', because neither of us like any of the churches in the area (doctrine-wise)...

So honest opinions, wat do you think?

That will probably work for a while. You are not in disagreement about your church affiliation. You just want to stay connected to 2 churches at once.

Eventually you may decide this doesn't work, and you might attend one most of the time, and the other only occasionally. Keep a flexible attitude about this.

I guess when marrying that would be a good suggestion about a lot of things. When you make an agreement, especially if it is some king of compromise or accommodation, talk about whether you strongly feel this needs to be a permanent agreement, or simply an arrangement for the present that you may change in the future. You may learn a lot about each other that way.

I can tell you in advance, you'll change your mind about things you never thought you would, but young couples more often run into problems when one thinks the other will change and they don't. Well, that's what I think, but what do I know? There's also the old saying: Women marry men hoping they will change, but they don't; men marry women hoping they won't change, but they do.

 

[Matthan]

Speaking from experience, it will never work. Neither one of you will become as active in your respective churches as you might otherwise be with unity. In time dissention might occur. When will it become 50/50 on attendance? Or a fight, and you just don't go at all.

So, think about this. Be true to your spouse, and you will have between 10 and 50 or so years of happiness. Be true to your Christianity and you will have eternity.

You make the choice.

Matthan <J><

 

[SonOfThunder]

Dear lady

I do feel for you, trying to fit into another church is not easy, regular attendance helps and putting your hand up to do work helps blend in faster.

Pray about it, even think about planting yourselves as a couple in a completly new place to worship God.

James

 

[BigNorsk]

I think it would be best to have a church that belongs to both of you. My recommendation would be to move away, you need to bond as a couple and it doesn't sound like either of you is ready to make that commitment. It might seem to be working until you add children. How are you going to work out Sunday School?

Staying is going to mean one of you "giving up" their congregation for the other. Maybe one of you will be committed enough by the time the wedding happens, maybe not.

What's the idea behind the long engagement?

Best wishes,
Marv

 

[Crazy Liz]

My recommendation would be to move away,

You didn't really ask for this kind of advice, but I disagree. Couples need to belong to something bigger than themselves. Church, extended family, etc. The American idea that young couples need to move away from their roots is just that - American. And it isn't wise general advice. Again, I'd like to recommend Families at the Crossroads as a great first step to taking off our cultural blinders and thinking in different, more biblical ways about family.

you need to bond as a couple and it doesn't sound like either of you is ready to make that commitment.

You might be right about that. Long engagements often indicate either a lack of commitment or a low esteem for marriage because the couple is already cohabiting. This is why Mennonites generally oppose them.

It might seem to be working until you add children. How are you going to work out Sunday School?

So why not anticipate that and agree this is what we want to do "for now?" That's no problem as far as I can tell. It may become unworkable in the future for all kinds of reasons, but everything a couple sets up when they get married doesn't have to be their permanent plan. For example, lots of young couples move into a small apartment. People don't warn them, "That won't work after you have children, so you better buy that 3 bedroom house right away." Everybody knows they will probably move in the future.

 

[kyzar]

some great advice... thanking you very much!
who knows, by the time we get married we may have totally changed our attitude, and this may not even be a 'problem'. im leaving it in God's hands for now...

Oh yeah... the long engagement... we're both still at uni until the end of next year, so neither of us have full time jobs (financial support is therefore lacking), so we can't afford to get married yet... we got engaged earlier to give us and our parents time to save up for the wedding!!!

thanks again guys, we'll see what happens!

 

[Lockheed]

Good stuff folks! I'd just like to add that spiritual issues hit to the core of one's life and so will drastically affect a marriage. It is possible for relationships to be happy without both being of the same mind, but it can be difficult.

Finally, the wife is to 'submit' to the husband, I believe that would include giving up attending her denomination's meetings, unless the husband thinks its ok. But keep in mind that when two people are of drastically different denoms (say Baptist and Catholic) the one church will most likely be teaching in opposition to the other spouse's beliefs.

 

[Matthan]

I knew a Baptist boy that married a Catholic girl. That boy had the minister baptize that girl 7 times in a row before she decided it might be smarter to come on over.....