Marry him! (article)

[Princess Pea]

I thought this was interesting ...

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry

Thoughts?

 

[joanna1]

Interesting. I must have fast tracked, because at 26 I'm already worrying if I spent too much time idealising and am now more than ready to "settle"...

 

[joanna1]

PS: question to Pea, and all older singles... are there people in your past you regret not having "settled" for? Or just noone on the horizon? Do you feel your standards have ever been too high?

 

[Princess Pea]

PS: question to Pea, and all older singles... are their people in your past you regret not having "settled" for? Or just noone on the horizon? Do you feel your standards have ever been too high?

Good question! Let me think about an answer a bit and then come back ...

(Since you're here, and I'm here, I didn't want you to think I was ignoring you. )

 

[joanna1]

Good question! Let me think about an answer a bit and then come back ...

(Since you're here, and I'm here, I didn't want you to think I was ignoring you. )

 

[HopeFaithLove4u]

PS: question to Pea, and all older singles... are there people in your past you regret not having "settled" for? Or just noone on the horizon? Do you feel your standards have ever been too high?

In my 20's I had REALLY HIGH standards!! But, I got ALOT of attention from guys and I was very immature.

When I was about 30 and ready to settle down, I calmed down a bit and was involved in 2 different RL's, the second one I married, but I did lower my standards from my high expectations in my 20's. Unfortunately, my marriage didn't work out for various reasons, but I'll NEVER regret it, because I got the GREATEST gift, from it....my daughter! And I'm still friends with my ex, so we can raise our daughter.

And now, I just don't have high expectations, yes, it's in the back of my mind, who would be interesting to me, but I think other people won't understand the type of guy I'm attracted to now, but that's okay.....because I know I'm good looking enough for both of us!

 

[HopeFaithLove4u]

I haven't read the article, yet....when I have more time, I'll come back to it.

 

[Princess Pea]

OK, I'm back.

There's definitely no one in my past I REGRET not settling for. I guess if I REGRETTED not settling for someone, it wouldn't have been settling - know what I mean?

There are people in my past I COULD have settled for, and probably would have had a perfectly fine marriage, but I have no regrets for those relationships. The years I would have spent in those marriages have been taken up by some pretty cool things, even if I've done them alone, or with girlfriends. And those men weren't exactly jumping at the opportunity to settle for me, either. In any case, I think it would have been the kind of marriage people supposedly had years ago, where marriage was more about cultural expectations and security and childrearing, not Finding The One Great Love and Soulmate of Your Life. Not that married couples didn't love each other, but I don't think they EXPECTED to have deep conversations on the meaning of life, and the only vacation decision they ever had to make was "Visit your Aunt Thelma, or my Uncle Fred?

Standards too high? Yes and no. I've never gone on even one date with a man who wasn't a Christian, although I think one or two were probably nominal. I have certain preferences for educational level, professionalism, temperament, character, chemistry, etc. that I suppose I could let go of, but when you think about combining lives with someone on a daily basis for the next fifty years or so, it really is important to think about the kind of person you'd be best suited to. So in that way, my standards haven't been too high.

I think I am in the process of letting some other standards go,though. This is the part of the article that rang true for me:

The paradox, of course, is that the more it behooves a woman to settle, the less willing she is to settle; a woman in her mid- to late 30s is more discriminating than one in her 20s. She has friends who have known her since childhood, friends who will know her more intimately and understand her more viscerally than any man she meets in midlife. Her tastes and sense of self are more solidly formed. She says things like “He wants me to move downtown, but I love my home at the beach,” and, “But he’s just not curious,” and “Can I really spend my life with someone who’s allergic to dogs?”

I think I'm just a lot more realistic than I used to be. I have realized that no one person will ever be everything to me, and I will always need my girlfriends and sisters, because there are certain things men just don't get. Not even my BF, who has shown more than once that he really is understanding and sensitive, even for a man. No matter how close we get, we have a combined total of about 80 years where we didn't know each other, and we'll never know each other as well as our siblings and best friends do - or maybe even be as close, in some ways. Do I continue to hold out for a man who will "understand and appreciate me completely, and be unfailingly fascinated with me?" That doesn't even describe my best friends - why should it describe my boyfriend? There are certain ways my BF and I are different, and although we may come to compromise, that's what it will be: compromise. Or I could continue to have all the details of my life exactly as I prefer them for the rest of my life, but go it alone.

(This is rambly ... I'll try to come back and clean it up later. )

 

[mina]

I posted this in another thread but here it is again.

I want to get married, I want to have children, but i don't want to marry someone I don't love in order to do that. I would have to love someone in some sort of way in order to committ to them. For myself, i think that settling just to get married would cause lots of problems in my marriage. I wouldn't be content, I would resent my husband. Who's to say God couldn't change that and make me come to love my husband, but I think it would be starting something that I knew would cause serious problems and that's not a good way to start a marriage or live in a marriage imo. For me it would be like telling God- this isn't a good idea but i'm going to do it anyway, now You fix it ! and that's not the attitude i want to bring into a lifelong commitment to someone. I also think i would be able to love and committ to someone who wasn't perfect in the looks dept. Love is about loving them for who they are-warts and all. Settling for me would mean I thought they were a good person but I didn't really like them but was marrying them soley b/c i felt i had no other opportunity and they were "good" so why not.

 

[joanna1]

Thanks for the detailed reponses

I'm actually starting to regret the old fashioned marriage concept. Not that I wouldn't LOVE to fall in love, of course... but as says the cartoon, marriage means that much more to me... I really want the status. Is that bad?
And not in a "money and situation" way, at all, I just want to be a married woman caring for her husband and children, rather than roaming around in the world on her own. I'm so disillusionned!

 

[Jenster]

PS: question to Pea, and all older singles... are there people in your past you regret not having "settled" for? Or just noone on the horizon? Do you feel your standards have ever been too high?

Short answer: No. I dated a lot of dweebs. Standards too high? Possibly, though I don't know if it would have made a huge difference. There's only one guy I might've dated a bit longer to see who he was deep down, but he had some emotional problems that made it challenging. Timing really does govern a lot of relationship decisions, I think.

 

[joanna1]

Thanks for being honest Jenster


So right about timing

 

[Jenster]

Hi Pea. OK, I read the article. What I find interesting is that the author advocates settling but then at the end of the article admits she can't do it herself. Heck, if someone's going to urge me to do something I don't want to do, she'd better have proof that *some* people who have "settled" are happy with their decision!

I actually found your comment about the article much more perceptive.

I think I'm just a lot more realistic than I used to be. I have realized that no one person will ever be everything to me, and I will always need my girlfriends and sisters, because there are certain things men just don't get. ... Do I continue to hold out for a man who will "understand and appreciate me completely, and be unfailingly fascinated with me?" That doesn't even describe my best friends - why should it describe my boyfriend? There are certain ways my BF and I are different, and although we may come to compromise, that's what it will be: compromise. Or I could continue to have all the details of my life exactly as I prefer them for the rest of my life, but go it alone.

I think you hit the "fantasy" nail on the head. So the question becomes: What's essential? How do you know if the relationship is providing for you what you need in the long run? "Settling" may be defined as "giving up the fantasy," which I heartily agree with. But it would be something of a tragedy to give up on some essential qualities that truly would make the difference between a marriage that feels more like a business arrangement than a loving union.

 

[Princess Pea]

Hi Pea. OK, I read the article. What I find interesting is that the author advocates settling but then at the end of the article admits she can't do it herself. Heck, if someone's going to urge me to do something I don't want to do, she'd better have proof that *some* people who have "settled" are happy with their decision!

I actually found your comment about the article much more perceptive.


I think you hit the "fantasy" nail on the head. So the question becomes: What's essential? How do you know if the relationship is providing for you what you need in the long run? "Settling" may be defined as "giving up the fantasy," which I heartily agree with. But it would be something of a tragedy to give up on some essential qualities that truly would make the difference between a marriage that feels more like a business arrangement than a loving union.

I'm glad you thought I was perceptive. I think YOU hit it by defining two different kinds of "settling." I think a lot of people see that word and have a knee-jerk reaction, when sometimes it just means, like you said, letting go of the fantasy of perfection.

I feel like I should clarify why the part of the article I quoted earlier rang true for me. I certainly don't want anyone to think I'm settling with my BF - he's definitely more than a "business arrangement." However, my constant "struggle" (if that's the right word to use) is the fact that between the two of us there are about 80 years of living where we had no idea the other even existed. How will we ever catch up on all that? There are sisters and girlfriends in my life I've known 20 - 35 years, and sometimes it's scary to think about pledging my life to someone I've known for such a small fraction of my life - and not just as a roommate, but in the most intimate partnership possible. I'm very comfortable with him, and more so all the time, but the fact is that when we stand at the alter (assuming we do) he STILL won't know me as well as my sisters or best friends do, and I need to "settle" for that, with the expectation that familiarity will grow over time. Hopefully that makes sense!

Anyway, I'm certainly not advocating settling for a man with whom you feel no chemistry, or where the essential qualities aren't there! But I do think there are people out there who set some pretty high standards and then reject potential mates because one tiny thing didn't add up ... as she said, "But he likes the city, and I want to live at the beach ... " really, if everything else was wonderful, wouldn't you be able to work that out? And those are the kinds of little things I've been letting go of as I get to know this man better. For example, we have very different preferences for worship styles, and music, but we are both firm believers in Jesus Christ, and that's the essential quality we need to have in common. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I posted this in the married forum too, because I was curious to see what married people might say about it. I also realized the writer of this article is a woman who made the choice to become a single mother, and is now facing the consequences of her decision (exhaustion, many demands on her time and attention, limited social life, etc.) For her, settling would mean that someone would be taking a large part of the burden off her, and I'm sure that sounds great to her!

 

[dluvs2trvl]

Anyway, I'm certainly not advocating settling for a man with whom you feel no chemistry, or where the essential qualities aren't there! But I do think there are people out there who set some pretty high standards and then reject potential mates because one tiny thing didn't add up ... as she said, "But he likes the city, and I want to live at the beach ... " really, if everything else was wonderful, wouldn't you be able to work that out?

I must admit that I haven't read the article yet but I was just saying almost this exact thing in the Why is...thread!!!! It's like people don't want to invest time in a relationship any more - if one thing is wrong then they move on - instead of really investing in a person and accepting them for their flaws and all. I'm not saying accept huge red flags but the little things like you're talking about Pea.

Anyways, I won't rehash my opinion here in this thread as well but I do understand what you're talking about and I'm frustrated that it seems that the men I seem to be coming into contact with are more concerned about perfection than about the character and content of a woman....

 

[eatenbylocusts]

PS: question to Pea, and all older singles... are there people in your past you regret not having "settled" for? Or just noone on the horizon? Do you feel your standards have ever been too high?

No regrets that I didn't settle. That word just sounds so negative. But, getting to know someone who isn't my "normal" type or who looks like a computer geek (fell for one of those) is something I am quite willing to do.

I didn't feel like I was settling with my ex-h, but I did compromise by starting to date a non-Christian. The ex-bf T1, was not someone I was attracted to at all, but I finally agreed to meet him in person and became attracted to him.

I've been perfectly willing to continue to date guys to see if anything developed, but they're usually the ones who get impatient and bail because they want me to have sparks for them asap. Too bad, because two of them were probably the best off financially that I've met. They were probably the two who were actually ready to get married too.

 

[Jenster]

I'm very comfortable with him, and more so all the time, but the fact is that when we stand at the alter (assuming we do) he STILL won't know me as well as my sisters or best friends do, and I need to "settle" for that, with the expectation that familiarity will grow over time. Hopefully that makes sense!

Makes perfect sense, Pea! Thanks for explaining further.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I read the article, and I felt sad for the author. I also don't agree with her. She is still fantasizing about getting somebody, even if it's not her dream guy. I think she is just realizing her life didn't have to turn out the way it did so far, she had other choices, but she chose the one she has now, and then she wants to complain (without complaining) about it, wishing she had someone that she could settle on.
Not everyone has those opportunities. What about those of us that are not single by choice and have not had opportunities that we turned down? I would have held her opinion higher if she HAD settled and was speaking from that vantage point, but it seemed she was more focused on bringing the readers down and making them feel like they should defiinitely settle for the first nice guy that comes along, even though she can't do that. I don't think most of us could do this consciously anyway. JMHO. I might be alone for the rest of my days, but having been married for 25 years prior, I refuse to settle....even now. It's not in my DNA.

 

[moicherie]

Settling - no way! Emotional maturing in one's decision making? Definitely a good thing.

 

[jsu5381m]

I feel that there are some christian organizations that are too intent on hooking people up in order to marry young and have lots of babies. As a result, marriage is nothing more than religion and vows of chicken scribble from Stalin that can bring anyone down. I think if Christ really loves like people says he does, then whether I marry or not should be between me and God.