Married to an abuser

[FaithInChrist27]

Long story short, my husband shows signs of narcistic personality. He has been emotionally abusive. One question is, how do I make him accountable for his actions without treating him like a child? And secondly, how do I maintain my sanity? I did leave the marriage once because it damaged me emotionally and I became suicidal and had post tramatic stress disorder. Since being back, I have been managing better, but still have a tendancy to obsess over current problems. Obviously I cannot change him, but how do I change myself so that I don't let the abuse affect me so much?

 

[RuthD]

If I were you I would ask him to go to marriage counseling for help. I think the problem is to big for you to manage on your own. I am praying for you both.

 

[Johnnz]

Truly narcissistic people are all but unchangeable. They are parasitical, sucking life out of who they can. Unless he has a dramatic and deeply founded conversion you will always be subjected to his wants and abuse. That can become very destructive.

I am not about to encourage you to leave. But if you ever do I would stand behind you.

John
NZ

 

[Chaplain David]

Long story short, my husband shows signs of narcistic personality. He has been emotionally abusive. One question is, how do I make him accountable for his actions without treating him like a child? And secondly, how do I maintain my sanity? I did leave the marriage once because it damaged me emotionally and I became suicidal and had post tramatic stress disorder. Since being back, I have been managing better, but still have a tendancy to obsess over current problems. Obviously I cannot change him, but how do I change myself so that I don't let the abuse affect me so much?

Hello,

I don't believe you can make him accountable for anything. IMO accountability must come from within himself. I do however think it is within your purvue to request that you both attend marital counseling with a licensed provider or your pastor if he's willing to help you. I believe that you must be treated as a couple in order to deal with things that involve you as a couple.

I'm sorry that you've suffered. Did you go to counseling for the PTSD and other issues that you've experienced? Individual counseling can help with that and many other things you may want to deal with there. I also recommend that your husband seek individual counseling for his issues.

I know this is a lot of counseling but sometimes it takes a lot and a kind of team approach to everything.

Feel free to pm me or one of the other CF chaplains if you would like to talk further. I pray the very best for you and yours.

Faithfully,
CH Sacerdote

 

[FaithInChrist27]

Thank you all so much for the information and recommendations. We have gone to marital counseling before, however, that is not something I feel I can do again for certain reasons (he is very good at twisting things around to mean something else and I have found that my confidence in myself has become very weak over the years and I have a hard time even defending myself). Nor is counseling something he is willing to do. He went to counseling once before by himself but it was only to keep me from leaving. Once I left he quit. To him, there are no problems. And that is part of the issue...no matter how much I try to explain to him that I am having a hard time, he ignores how I feel and I just risk getting further abused. It's just so hard to cope sometimes and I feel alone. I guess sometimes I feel that I should be able to handle things on my own, but maybe I just can't. I think it's time to seek counseling for myself at the least.

 

[Chaplain David]

Thank you all so much for the information and recommendations. We have gone to marital counseling before, however, that is not something I feel I can do again for certain reasons (he is very good at twisting things around to mean something else and I have found that my confidence in myself has become very weak over the years and I have a hard time even defending myself). Nor is counseling something he is willing to do. He went to counseling once before by himself but it was only to keep me from leaving. Once I left he quit. To him, there are no problems. And that is part of the issue...no matter how much I try to explain to him that I am having a hard time, he ignores how I feel and I just risk getting further abused. It's just so hard to cope sometimes and I feel alone. I guess sometimes I feel that I should be able to handle things on my own, but maybe I just can't. I think it's time to seek counseling for myself at the least.

I think you're making a good decision here, seeking counseling for you. God bless you both.

Faithfully,

CH Sacerdote