married people change........

[Musician4Jesus]

married people change...........

I've noticed this pattern. Before a Christian becomes romantically involved, they actually make an attempt with their relationships to prevent them from drifting. When they become married, they become so obsessed with the marriage, that they just focus on pleasing their spouse.

Now I'm well aware of the fact that after your relationship with God, your relationship with your spouse is the most important thing in your life. However, does that mean you forget about the other relationships in your life and treat them like they don't exist? Relationships matter to God, so they should matter to us. If you claim to love and care about a friend, and you truly cherish the relationship you have with them, you won't allow it to drift just because your life becomes busy. If you truly love and care about the person, and the friendship you have with them matters as much as you say it does, you'll make time for the relationship and make the effort to keep consistent contact with the person.

It just bothers me
that married Christians use this excuse "my spouse is more important than my friendships, so if I allow these relationships to drift, it's okay". To me it's not okay when Christians become so absorbed with their romance, they forget about their friends and family. I realize people have priorities, and that if you're married your spouse is one of the biggest concerns in your life, but that doesn't mean you treat your friends and family like they don't exist.

That can really end up hurting them emotionally and to me, you shouldn't minimize your actions if your actions (because of your selfishness and failing to think how your relationship with your significant other will effect your other relationships) ends up hurting other people as a result. Your relationship with your significant other will end up effecting other relationships in your life, and you need to think about how it will.

 

[miss_klara]

Sigh.... is this all you talk about??

http://www.christianforums.com/t3676271-love-is-a-bust-if-youre-not-involved-romantically.html

You're obviously upset about someone in particular that you know, but that's not to say that ALL 'married people change'. Hello, broad generalisation!!

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

It's not just a Christian thing either. It shouldn't be any other way. A person should have God and their spouse first priority. If you don't like it, find new friends.

 

[MrsSeptemberPenguin]

I think it's time to find new friends. Marriage does change people, but that's the life we lead. Some people can sustain their old friendships outside of marriage, and still have their priorities right. Others can not. Therefore, we all have to learn from our relationships, and learn when it's time to move on. Now have you talked to your old friend about how you're feeling left out. They may not even realize it.

 

[Musician4Jesus]

I'm not trying to generalize and I'm sorry if I come off that way. However, nine times out of ten I see Christians in a romantic relationship doing this. I see newly weds doing this. Then they try to minimize their action like what they're doing and how they're treating their friends when they do this is no big deal; well it is if it ends up hurting another person because of their selfish actions. I'm trying to help. However people just jump down my throat and attack me. I'm not trying to attack anybody or make accusations, so people really don't have the right to accuse me of attacking people when I'm trying to help.

This has nothing to do with me being single. I'm not single anymore. I'm not going into the romantic relationship I have, because that's off topic. All I'm saying is, you're throwing stuff into this discussion that has nothing to do with what I'm talking about. Being jealous of somebody because they're in a romantic relationship is a completely separate issue then the one I'm discussing now. When you fail to think how a romantic relationship will effect your other relationships it hurts other people; and that's not fair because they don't deserve to be treated like dirt like that.

So you're saying it's okay for Christians in a romantic relationship to become so absorbed with the romance or marriage that friendships drift? That can really hurt people emotionally when you do that!You're going to try to justify that action because pleasing your spouse and caring for them is more important?

Yes it is more important, and I've already acknowledged that fact. However you're going to say that because of Christians being so selfish with their romantic relationships and they fail to think how the romance or marriage will affect their other relationships, that it's right to cause pain and sorrow to another person as a result? I'm sorry but I don't agree with that.

People try to minimize their actions like what they're doing is no big deal. That them focusing on the romance so much they make their friends feel left out, rejected, and lonely doesn't matter? People didn't actually say that, but many here have implied that plain as day.

 

[miss_klara]

A divorce matters more than a broken friendship, to be blunt. As you've acknowledged, it is important to look after your marriage. As a friend to many married people, I understand that, encourage it even.

I'm sorry, but I've heard you preach this exactly before (post #10 of the thread I dragged up in my other post) and it's obviously coming from a particular situation in your own life, not just something you've observed here at the forums. And while you feel attacked, you, yourself, are doing exactly that - attacking married people as a whole because 'you' have observed 9 out of 10 married people carrying on this way. As ChildofGod said, find new friends. In all my friendships with married people, I have never felt shunned by any of them. So if I, like you, were to make a sweeping generalisation based on my own observations, I could quite boldly announce that actually, 10 out of 10 married couples carry on just fine with their relationships outside the marriage. NOW I know that this is incorrect, so I'm not going to make such a generalisation.

I wonder if your perception of your married friends alters the way you look at how they treat you??

Sorry if I was a little harsh in my first post. I'm not attacking you in this post though, just coming back at everything you say, k?

 

[peanutbutter12]

Ugh, this again? Does this really need to be reposted every 6 months?

Look, have you ever considered that maybe they just don't like you anymore? I'm not trying to be rude here, but if you go to them with this same argument as much as you post and argue it here, then I would be very understanding as to why they don't want to have a relationship with you. After all, if the circumstances are the same as they were the last, what, three times you posted about this, then they aren't the ones being selfish; you are. And I think I explained this in much more detail last time.

For instance, I've not had time for friends myself in the past year. I've been much too busy being a husband, working and trying to balance my businesses and get my music career moving. Plus I'm involved in quite a few different organizations, one of which I'm head of Public Relations. So in my free time, I don't go hang out with my friends. I do something with my wife. Why? Cause she's more important. My friends are understanding about this. They still ask me to hang out a lot, but they understand I have a lot on my plate. You need to be understanding as well that, when it comes to balancing what is important, you're not very high up on the ladder compared to other things, like spending time with family.

If your issue with this couple has been going on this long, you either just need to accept it and move on, or seek some professional counseling to deal with your obsessive behavior.

 

[BeautifulDestiny09]

I too also have a few married friends. Not to mention, my parents have been married over 20 years and I've seen their friends come and go...
My father has 1, maybe 2 friends...my mom has 2 good friends...other than that their marriage and their family (me and my siblings) are their priority. I definitely understand that with my married friends, and I'm trying my best to realize that now that I'm engaged. Its a part of life, losing friends...any of my friends who will not understand that when I get married, my husband is my main priority, they will get their feelings hurt. Plain and simple. Its not intentional, but why get married if you are going to hang out with your friends like you did when you were single? They have responsibilites now...so find some new unmarried friends and deal with it!

 

[Musician4Jesus]

Fine it's part of life losing friends. Guess what that doesn't provide solace to those of us who have no friends. People are coming off as
very cold regarding this. It doesn't provide any solace to those
who are in this box on the outside looking in. You're going to tell
me it doesn't matter that when people fail to think how their relationship with their SO will affect other relationships in their lives
that the hurt emotions of people who they claim are their friends
don't matter? That's exactly how people have come off. I'm not
saying and I've never said that their lives should revolve around
their friends once they become married. However if they're claiming
these relationships they have with their friends matter then
they won't allow the relationships with their friends to drift
just because they become busy or because they become married.
If they really love and care about their friends like they say
they do they'll at least attempt contact of some sort with them.

 

[miss_klara]

Look, I'm in no way saying that it's acceptable for your friends to desert you. But quit beating around the bush, and understand that this issue has to be about you. We don't have to agree with you, if we don't observe the same things happening in our own friendships. But if you'd quit attacking married people as a group, some of us might feel a little sympathy.

Breathe in. Breathe out. And start your next sentence with "This issue is about me and my friends..." And I promise I'll pat you on the back and make the sympathetic noises you presumably want to hear...

 

[peanutbutter12]

Fine it's part of life losing friends. Guess what that doesn't provide solace to those of us who have no friends. People are coming off as
very cold regarding this. It doesn't provide any solace to those
who are in this box on the outside looking in. You're going to tell
me it doesn't matter that when people fail to think how their relationship with their SO will affect other relationships in their lives
that the hurt emotions of people who they claim are their friends
don't matter? That's exactly how people have come off. I'm not
saying and I've never said that their lives should revolve around
their friends once they become married. However if they're claiming
these relationships they have with their friends matter then
they won't allow the relationships with their friends to drift
just because they become busy or because they become married.
If they really love and care about their friends like they say
they do they'll at least attempt contact of some sort with them.

See PMs.

If you don't have any friends, how is that anyones fault as your own? People don't want to be friends with people who are constantly negative. If you want friends, you need to work on changing your personality. Does that mean that you need to just drop every bad thing that happens in your life and forget about them? No, you can't just forget about situations in your life that need changed. However, if you constantly bring them into conversation with people you're looking to befriend, they will want nothing to do with you. Does that mean that you can bring them up with friends ever? No again, but if it's all you discuss or if you constantly bring problems up, much like you do here, than again, people won't want to deal with it. Good people don't like to be around people who are always negative. Look around, there are some great books out there that can help you guide yourself to being a more positive person overall and give yourself a personality change which will be more attractive to others. But you need to have a want and desire to change, and you need to take the steps to make it yourself. No one will hold your hand through the process or do it for you.

 

[Gardener101]

See PMs.

If you don't have any friends, how is that anyones fault as your own? People don't want to be friends with people who are constantly negative. If you want friends, you need to work on changing your personality. Does that mean that you need to just drop every bad thing that happens in your life and forget about them? No, you can't just forget about situations in your life that need changed. However, if you constantly bring them into conversation with people you're looking to befriend, they will want nothing to do with you. Does that mean that you can bring them up with friends ever? No again, but if it's all you discuss or if you constantly bring problems up, much like you do here, than again, people won't want to deal with it. Good people don't like to be around people who are always negative. Look around, there are some great books out there that can help you guide yourself to being a more positive person overall and give yourself a personality change which will be more attractive to others. But you need to have a want and desire to change, and you need to take the steps to make it yourself. No one will hold your hand through the process or do it for you.

 

[charligirl]

It's a fact of life that newly weds will be wrapped up in each other and have little time for other friends in the first few months. It is a completely life changing time and not always about 'romance' the first few months of marriage can be very hard to adjust to and often full of downs as well as ups. You can no longer talk to your single friends as you used to and confide in them about your spouse if things are a bit bumpy, it's not appropriate - in short the relationship HAS to change. It's also no longer appropriate to have opposite sex friends in quite the same way.

I have always given my married friends a six month period to adjust to married life without contacting them much other than, 'hi hope you are well' I do the same with new parents. I recognise that they are huge life changes and need time for adjustment.

After the first few months as things start to settle down then friendships can be picked up again more frequently, but as I said before they will have shifted. It's hard for me to spend time with some of my single girlfriends now as we have very little in common - those few 'lifelong' friends I still have and will always have as our friendship is based on past and deeper ties... but I have a number of seasonal friends, whose friendship was based on a time, or shared life stage, like a work place or a town you lived in... once you move on your common interests stop and there was nothing more than that to keep you as friends. that's just life.

As a single woman I had many many married friends, as a married woman I still have some single friends, but not many as I was one of the last to marry!

To say 9/10 married couples like that is a gross exaggeration, I woudl say it's the other way around from my experience... either you have the unfortunate experience of having friends who are not worth your friendship - in which case drop them or they wre seasonal friends or not as close as you thought they were.

 

[Musician4Jesus]

Um look the reason I'm so negative is because things have been negative in my life for the past two years. If there was something good happening in my life, then I would gladly tell them about it. For people to just reject you because you're open and honest about you're pain and sorrow because it's not a positive message they want to hear is hypocritical and self-absorbed; it disgusts me when people who call themselves a Christian act like this is, because that's not how a true Christian is supposed to act. I wish I could say stuff in my life is great, but nothing in my life is good; I'm living life just
to survive right now, there's nothing I enjoy about it, and I hate living like this. Fyi it's extremely difficult to be positive when you've been through
emotional or verbal abuse, or abuse of any kind. You're so used to disappointment that it seems futile to get your hopes up that things will
go good because you're so so accustomed to things becoming sour when you think they'll change for the better.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

Um look the reason I'm so negative is because things have been negative in my life for the past two years. If there was something good happening in my life, then I would gladly tell them about it. For people to just reject you because you're open and honest about you're pain and sorrow because it's not a positive message they want to hear is hypocritical and self-absorbed; it disgusts me when
people who call themselves a Christian act like this is, because that's
not how a true Christian is supposed to act. I wish I could say stuff
in my life is great, but nothing in my life is good; I'm living life just
to survive right now, there's nothing I enjoy about it, and I hate
living like this.

So because people don't perpetually feel sorry for you, always pity you, always ask how horrible your life is, or always want to hear all this negativity they're self absorbed?

Sounds completely logical to me.

 

[Musician4Jesus]

No I didn't imply that at all. I'm saying for a Christian to claim to be your friend and then reject you when you're open and honest about your problems because it's not a positive message they don't want to hear is completely self absorbed and hypocritical as a Christian. I'm
not asking for anybody to pity me. However I don't appreciate people claiming to be my friends to reject me when I'm already going
through a difficult time ( I don't think any Christian needs that in their
life when they're going through a season of lament) because loneliness in a difficult time for anybody just exacerbates things.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

No I didn't imply that at all. I'm saying for a Christian to claim to be your friend and then reject you when you're open and honest about your problems because it's not a positive message they don't want to hear is completely self absorbed and hypocritical as a Christian. I'm
not asking for anybody to pity me. However I don't appreciate people claiming to be my friends to reject me when I'm already going
through a difficult time ( I don't think any Christian needs that in their
life when they're going through a season of lament) because loneliness in a difficult time for anybody just exacerbates things.

Lots of people go through hard times. Heck, in the last year and a half I have lost two grandparents (who I was very close too), my parents separated, I have had to move back home, been without a job, been in two serious car accidents, dealt with a TON of family issues, and various other things that I am not going to get into. Do I vent to my friends? Of course I do. But what I don't do is make it ALL I talk about, not even most of whatI talk about. And if you are anything IRL life like you are on these boards, always negative and complaining, and thinking everyone is mean and heartless then I really can't blame people for staying away.

Maybe you should stop whining and grow up. Because this type of attitude in people is REALLY annoying, and for as long as you have been at these boards, I have never seen anything positive come from you. Seriously, grow up.

 

[Musician4Jesus]

I try not to think about my problems unfortunately it's really difficult to just brush them off like they don't exist, because my problems are still effecting my life currently. I don't need a lecture from you. You don't struggle with being negative, fine; you're not me. I'm well aware of the fact that it's something I've always struggled with. I've never said my friends were heartless; I've greatly appreciated them listening to me. Bottom line is people have treated me like dirt for the past two years in my life; so when people have treated you like dirt, it's extremely difficult to learn to trust people again, if they just cause you pain and sorrow incessantly. Let me see in the past two years I've been through financial difficulties, my father died, I can't find a decent job and no matter what I try to do to find one I just end up right back where I started in that aspect of my life, when I was still living at home, I was fighting with my parents constantly because they're not saved and I am and we don't see eye-to-eye at all, I can't find a decent church or any real friends who will stick by me through thick and thin and won't just allow the relationship to drift because their lives are busy. If something was going right in my life I'd tell them gladly. Sad to say it's an effort to live life now and there's really nothing enjoyable about it. You have relationships with friends that make life bearable for you. I wish I could say the same. I don't have anybody right now; no friends and no family where I live. As a result, being lonely just exacerbates problems.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

I try not to think about my problems unfortunately it's really difficult to just brush them off like they don't exist.

Way to exhibit the Christian attitude that you so vehemently demand in others. Why not trying to show some yourself? Oh wait, that would mean that you have to take your focus off yourself. Yeah....not gonna happen.

 

[charligirl]

I deal with many people in the church who have serious problems - I know people who have been through horrific abuse including torture and rape at the hands of a parent -

All of these people have times and seasons where God is healing them and they are a mess but they fall into one of two categories. The first are vulnerable, open honest and really want to see God move and change in their lives, they are not self absorbed they still reach out to and help others where they can despite their problems and you can see the real fruit of what God is doing in their lives. The second are also vulnerable but for all their talk they are happier to dwell in their pit, which has become quite comfy, they want change as long as they don;t have to actually do anything about it themselves and are totally self absorbed and negative. Their pattern is to seek help (which is good), find someone who will listen and then suck them dry until they have no reserves left to help them and usually cut the ties to preserve their own sanity because after a couple of cycles it becomes obvious the person is stuck in their own misery and uses it to get attention and shout 'poor me' nothing is ever positive.

I don't think this second category of people are aware of what they do, it's not intentional. They usually live their lives in offence at all the christians who apparantly have not helped or listened to them.

In my experience the only way to help them is set very firm boundaries in place, ask to see some real change in their attitude and pray for God to move and reveal to them the place where they are stuck. They need a firm but gentle hand, prayer and boundaries, not hours of counselling as it just feeds their problem. Unfortunately many christians may not have experience or wisdom and end up hurting these people more by trying to help at first then abandon them when it becomes apparant they are stuck in the pit, instead of putting boundaries in place and offering some tough love.

Change starts in our hearts and with the words of our mouth, we need to 'speak those things that are not as though they were' start to focus on God's blessings not all the misery in life. If you struggle with negativity, confess the word daily out loud and start to change your focus. Don't wait for the good things to 'gladly talk about' stop talking about the bad stuff and start thanking God for the good things, however small they seem in comparison to the problems

I don't know you - I have no idea who you are or what you have been through, I don't doubt your pain is genuine. But I have observed the offence and self absorbtion that pours out of your posts. Until you deal with the offences that you have taken, probably some of them very genuine as christians are only people who get it wrong alot too, and start to forgive these people and seek God's healing , I don't think you will see much change in your life.