Married for 10 years and struggling with marriage

[LodiMelvin]

Hello,

I'm new to this forum. I sought it out to help me cope with my marriage issues. Perhaps that is best for another thread for me to open up about those issues but I am here because I love my wife and wish she was more comprehensive of my concerns of her Facebook use and the comments she has made and the friends she keeps there, particularly male friends. I don't think I'm alone in having issues with a spouse's use of Facebook. I just would like an outlet of faith to help me cope to keep my marriage alive. We have 2 young kids, both under 5.

I recently discovered a comment where a female friend of hers made a comment on a post of a male friend about he would leave a big hole in her (you can imagine what). My wife's female friend is the one that made the size comment. This is a post where the males friends several thousand other friends were also likely following. It wasn't a private comment. This bothered me quite a bit

Another instance is of the same male friend (who is married) who, although speaks of God every now and then in his FB post, posted 2 incredibly sexual posts:
1 post said "women don't have a sixth sense, they have a male friend that wants to have sex with them".
2nd post said "if an ugly guy such as this (pic of ugly male) can have sex with these 2 women. (included pics of 2 beautiful women) then why can't I havesex with you?"

Now, I understand these are post but the question that comes to mind are the following:
1) Is this guy indirectly wanting something with my wife?
2) why is my wife friends with this person?

I personally would never post such a vile post for the following reasons:
1) I'm married, what would my wife think.
2) What would the husband's of my female friends think if they saw me post something as vile as that on Facebook? I would expect said female friends to block me immediately without question.
3) if my wife is okay with this person posting such vile posts on Facebook, does my wife think it would be okay for me to do the same or if a female friend of mine posted something like that?

I brought this up to my wife and now she says that they were just joking about the comments and that the male friend just has a "dark" sense of humor. She now says that I'm insecure and that it shows I don't have confidence in her. She cried the whole evening basically when I expressed my concerns.

The last few days have been emotionally horrible for me, she doesn't acknowledge me as she used to. She says the least amount of words, keeps conversations short as if she doesn't care. She also said she now see's me differently. Why?

I cannot speak to this with my family so this is why I I need this outlet and if I'm wromg I'm willing the accept that.

She says that I should trust her just like she trust me. That she would put her hands through fire for me.

How do I cope with this? I am now thinking my wife would rather move on n, get a divorce and be with someone who is okay with her Facebook habits. She has started dropping hints of a divorce such as that her uncle divorced his wife and are on good terms. It's like she is emotionally beating me up.

 

[OldWiseGuy]

Welcome!

Sounds like you and your wife might need to seek professional help.

 

[Hidden In Him]

Hello,

I'm new to this forum. I sought it out to help me cope with my marriage issues. Perhaps that is best for another thread for me to open up about those issues but I am here because I love my wife and wish she was more comprehensive of my concerns of her Facebook use and the comments she has made and the friends she keeps there, particularly male friends. I don't think I'm alone in having issues with a spouse's use of Facebook. I just would like an outlet of faith to help me cope to keep my marriage alive. We have 2 young kids, both under 5.

I recently discovered a comment where a female friend of hers made a comment on a post of a male friend about he would leave a big hole in her (you can imagine what). My wife's female friend is the one that made the size comment. This is a post where the males friends several thousand other friends were also likely following. It wasn't a private comment. This bothered me quite a bit

Another instance is of the same male friend (who is married) who, although speaks of God every now and then in his FB post, posted 2 incredibly sexual posts:
1 post said "women don't have a sixth sense, they have a male friend that wants to have sex with them".
2nd post said "if an ugly guy such as this (pic of ugly male) can have sex with these 2 women. (included pics of 2 beautiful women) then why can't I havesex with you?"

Now, I understand these are post but the question that comes to mind are the following:
1) Is this guy indirectly wanting something with my wife?
2) why is my wife friends with this person?

I personally would never post such a vile post for the following reasons:
1) I'm married, what would my wife think.
2) What would the husband's of my female friends think if they saw me post something as vile as that on Facebook? I would expect said female friends to block me immediately without question.
3) if my wife is okay with this person posting such vile posts on Facebook, does my wife think it would be okay for me to do the same or if a female friend of mine posted something like that?

I brought this up to my wife and now she says that they were just joking about the comments and that the male friend just has a "dark" sense of humor. She now says that I'm insecure and that it shows I don't have confidence in her. She cried the whole evening basically when I expressed my concerns.

The last few days have been emotionally horrible for me, she doesn't acknowledge me as she used to. She says the least amount of words, keeps conversations short as if she doesn't care. She also said she now see's me differently. Why?

I cannot speak to this with my family so this is why I I need this outlet and if I'm wromg I'm willing the accept that.

She says that I should trust her just like she trust me. That she would put her hands through fire for me.

How do I cope with this? I am now thinking my wife would rather move on n, get a divorce and be with someone who is okay with her Facebook habits. She has started dropping hints of a divorce such as that her uncle divorced his wife and are on good terms. It's like she is emotionally beating me up.

Welcome to Christian Forums!

I'm sure you will find plenty of Christian men here who you can discuss things with, and plenty also who will pray for you and your situation.

Let me just give you the following advice for starters. It may be some of the best you receive: These sorts of situations can completely consume the mind of a man, and you don't want that to happen. You want the Lord to still have first place in your heart and in your mind every day. So devote yourself to Him more than ever now. He will see you through this if you do, no matter what should happen, good or bad. By keeping your mind on Him and seeking Him throughout this situation, He will also give you wisdom to know what to do and how to act. He will guide you step by step through the process, and help you guard your heart at the same time.

Blessings in Christ, and welcome again to Christian Forums.
Hidden In Him

 

[~Anastasia~]

Welcome to CF.

I agree that it sounds like you need help, and ASAP.

Are your family part of a religious community where you can seek help? Or marriage counseling?

 

[ripple the car]

Hello,

I'm new to this forum. I sought it out to help me cope with my marriage issues. Perhaps that is best for another thread for me to open up about those issues but I am here because I love my wife and wish she was more comprehensive of my concerns of her Facebook use and the comments she has made and the friends she keeps there, particularly male friends. I don't think I'm alone in having issues with a spouse's use of Facebook. I just would like an outlet of faith to help me cope to keep my marriage alive. We have 2 young kids, both under 5.

I recently discovered a comment where a female friend of hers made a comment on a post of a male friend about he would leave a big hole in her (you can imagine what). My wife's female friend is the one that made the size comment. This is a post where the males friends several thousand other friends were also likely following. It wasn't a private comment. This bothered me quite a bit

Another instance is of the same male friend (who is married) who, although speaks of God every now and then in his FB post, posted 2 incredibly sexual posts:
1 post said "women don't have a sixth sense, they have a male friend that wants to have sex with them".
2nd post said "if an ugly guy such as this (pic of ugly male) can have sex with these 2 women. (included pics of 2 beautiful women) then why can't I havesex with you?"

Now, I understand these are post but the question that comes to mind are the following:
1) Is this guy indirectly wanting something with my wife?
2) why is my wife friends with this person?

I personally would never post such a vile post for the following reasons:
1) I'm married, what would my wife think.
2) What would the husband's of my female friends think if they saw me post something as vile as that on Facebook? I would expect said female friends to block me immediately without question.
3) if my wife is okay with this person posting such vile posts on Facebook, does my wife think it would be okay for me to do the same or if a female friend of mine posted something like that?

I brought this up to my wife and now she says that they were just joking about the comments and that the male friend just has a "dark" sense of humor. She now says that I'm insecure and that it shows I don't have confidence in her. She cried the whole evening basically when I expressed my concerns.

The last few days have been emotionally horrible for me, she doesn't acknowledge me as she used to. She says the least amount of words, keeps conversations short as if she doesn't care. She also said she now see's me differently. Why?

I cannot speak to this with my family so this is why I I need this outlet and if I'm wromg I'm willing the accept that.

She says that I should trust her just like she trust me. That she would put her hands through fire for me.

How do I cope with this? I am now thinking my wife would rather move on n, get a divorce and be with someone who is okay with her Facebook habits. She has started dropping hints of a divorce such as that her uncle divorced his wife and are on good terms. It's like she is emotionally beating me up.

Hey, Lodi. A husband should not have to feel uncomfortable or challenged by his wife's Facebook friends.

I would seek help and Christian counseling. Do you guys have a Pastor you can talk to? Or a Deacon you can share your thoughts and concerns with? Does she have a strong Christian female friend at church she can talk to?

 

[LodiMelvin]

Welcome to CF.

I agree that it sounds like you need help, and ASAP.

Are your family part of a religious community where you can seek help? Or marriage counseling?

No, we're fairly new to this city. Unfortunately during these times it is not ideal to seek this kind of help. We do have her parents moving in though so not sure of that will help the situation.

 

[LodiMelvin]

Hey, Lodi. A husband should not have to feel uncomfortable or challenged by his wife's Facebook friends.

I would seek help and Christian counseling. Do you guys have a Pastor you can talk to? Or a Deacon you can share your thoughts and concerns with? Does she have a strong Christian female friend at church she can talk to?

I wish we did. Right now I feel as if any more discussion I bring up will be the tipping point. Yesterday I mentioned to her that I want to forget about this and she said it will take time for her to see me the same way as before. Why am I wrong for bringing up my concerns?

 

[LodiMelvin]

Welcome!

Sounds like you and your wife might need to seek professional help.

I hope it's not that bad. We have at time been able to talk things out but she's the kind of person that bottles up her true feelings and her resentment for me feels as though it grows.

 

[LodiMelvin]

I will add the following which is positive, from my wife's Facebook behavior.

1) she doesn't accept friend invites from anyone. Only people she knows.
2) the comment was a one time thing.
3) she doesn't keep her Facebook account a secret, meaning it's basically open to me just her phone in general is.
4) she does seem to love me very much.
5) we had issues of her not giving me much affection but has since made a positive change because I asked her for it. She is incredibly pleasant when she's happy and I love that about her.
6) she did block her male friends I had an issue with but I know she resents me for it, especially when she said she sees me differently. She said she would not want anyone or anything coming between the happiness of our marriage.

I'm just struggling with this odd unusual behavior of hers and the friends that she has. Am I in the wrong or is she?

 

[Dorothy Mae]

Hello,

I'm new to this forum. I sought it out to help me cope with my marriage issues. Perhaps that is best for another thread for me to open up about those issues but I am here because I love my wife and wish she was more comprehensive of my concerns of her Facebook use and the comments she has made and the friends she keeps there, particularly male friends. I don't think I'm alone in having issues with a spouse's use of Facebook. I just would like an outlet of faith to help me cope to keep my marriage alive. We have 2 young kids, both under 5.

I recently discovered a comment where a female friend of hers made a comment on a post of a male friend about he would leave a big hole in her (you can imagine what). My wife's female friend is the one that made the size comment. This is a post where the males friends several thousand other friends were also likely following. It wasn't a private comment. This bothered me quite a bit

Another instance is of the same male friend (who is married) who, although speaks of God every now and then in his FB post, posted 2 incredibly sexual posts:
1 post said "women don't have a sixth sense, they have a male friend that wants to have sex with them".
2nd post said "if an ugly guy such as this (pic of ugly male) can have sex with these 2 women. (included pics of 2 beautiful women) then why can't I havesex with you?"

Now, I understand these are post but the question that comes to mind are the following:
1) Is this guy indirectly wanting something with my wife?
2) why is my wife friends with this person?

I personally would never post such a vile post for the following reasons:
1) I'm married, what would my wife think.
2) What would the husband's of my female friends think if they saw me post something as vile as that on Facebook? I would expect said female friends to block me immediately without question.
3) if my wife is okay with this person posting such vile posts on Facebook, does my wife think it would be okay for me to do the same or if a female friend of mine posted something like that?

I brought this up to my wife and now she says that they were just joking about the comments and that the male friend just has a "dark" sense of humor. She now says that I'm insecure and that it shows I don't have confidence in her. She cried the whole evening basically when I expressed my concerns.

The last few days have been emotionally horrible for me, she doesn't acknowledge me as she used to. She says the least amount of words, keeps conversations short as if she doesn't care. She also said she now see's me differently. Why?

I cannot speak to this with my family so this is why I I need this outlet and if I'm wromg I'm willing the accept that.

She says that I should trust her just like she trust me. That she would put her hands through fire for me.

How do I cope with this? I am now thinking my wife would rather move on n, get a divorce and be with someone who is okay with her Facebook habits. She has started dropping hints of a divorce such as that her uncle divorced his wife and are on good terms. It's like she is emotionally beating me up.

Does your wife care what God thinks of those comments?

 

[LodiMelvin]

Does your wife care what God thinks of those comments?

I haven't asked her but it is a great idea. She does from time to time ask me to have God in mind in everything I do and to always have faith in him. She wants me to be more open about my faith in him. That's why I'm not sure if I'm making a big deal out of something that isn't. I don't know.

 

[Dorothy Mae]

I haven't asked her but it is a great idea. She does from time to time ask me to have God in mind in everything I do and to always have faith in him. She wants me to be more open about my faith in him. That's why I'm not sure if I'm making a big deal out of something that isn't. I don't know.

Then ask her what she thinks God might think of those words. Glad it was a helpful question.

 

[DLovingBrother]

I will add the following which is positive, from my wife's Facebook behavior.

1) she doesn't accept friend invites from anyone. Only people she knows.
2) the comment was a one time thing.
3) she doesn't keep her Facebook account a secret, meaning it's basically open to me just her phone in general is.
4) she does seem to love me very much.
5) we had issues of her not giving me much affection but has since made a positive change because I asked her for it. She is incredibly pleasant when she's happy and I love that about her.
6) she did block her male friends I had an issue with but I know she resents me for it, especially when she said she sees me differently. She said she would not want anyone or anything coming between the happiness of our marriage.

I'm just struggling with this odd unusual behavior of hers and the friends that she has. Am I in the wrong or is she?

Looks like your problem is basically solved. But you probably learned a lot from these responses. What Hidden in Him said is basically the way every Christian should approach problems, go to God first, pray for wisdom and peace first. If your wife resisted your concerns and kept those guys she unfriended, you should get counseling as your step 2. Then the question about asking your wife about what God thinks, this is a basic filter Christians should always apply, for you and your wife, and kids. It applies to social media, movies and books. Try reading this article, “Social Media: Signs of Negative Impact on Marriage” at Social Media: Signs of Negative Impact on Marriage - Focus on the Family.

 

[Deade]

I brought this up to my wife and now she says that they were just joking about the comments and that the male friend just has a "dark" sense of humor. She now says that I'm insecure and that it shows I don't have confidence in her. She cried the whole evening basically when I expressed my concerns.

Hello Melvin,
welcome to CF.

I hope you'll enjoy your stay here. The little paragraph above is known as spin, with emotion. Don't let her get away with it. Spin only happens when someone is caught.

 

[LodiMelvin]

Hello Melvin,
welcome to CF.

I hope you'll enjoy your stay here. The little paragraph above is know as spin, with emotion. Don't let her get away with it. Spin only happens when someone is caught.

View attachment 275279

Yup. When she reacted this way I told her she has no reason to act that way, and how she would like it if I was doing what she or her friends were doing so why should I be okay with it?

It ironic we were watching a YouTube channel a few days ago on cheaters and a girl got caught and acted aggressively on her partner. My wife said " she's getting emotional cause she got caught". My eyes opened fully and I looked and stared at her. I don't get why women play this victim game not why they feel it's better to seek attention from other men rather than tell their husbands what they feel is lacking.

 

[LodiMelvin]

Looks like your problem is basically solved. But you probably learned a lot from these responses. What Hidden in Him said is basically the way every Christian should approach problems, go to God first, pray for wisdom and peace first. If your wife resisted your concerns and kept those guys she unfriended, you should get counseling as your step 2. Then the question about asking your wife about what God thinks, this is a basic filter Christians should always apply, for you and your wife, and kids. It applies to social media, movies and books. Try reading this article, “Social Media: Signs of Negative Impact on Marriage” at Social Media: Signs of Negative Impact on Marriage - Focus on the Family.

It's troubling really. She's very religious, says that she puts him first but it's like she has a side that is her true self that I don't know but her Facebook friends do. Her cousins and friends are the same, they post lots of "God bless this, God bless us" in Facebook but then turn around and say things like "why should a chicken have chicks from 1 roster when there are lots of other birds, variety is better" or " women don't post photos with their husbands because they don't want other suitors to runaway" or "if you're wife stopped shaving down there during this quarantine it's because she wasn't shaving for you before" . I'm not saying my wife post stuff like that ( she doesn't) but she does give it a like sometimes. So many Hippocrates in her circle of friends in Facebook and family in general. Makes me doubt who I married and what I see my wife as.

Am I making too much of this?

 

[~Anastasia~]

I don’t know what’s going on within your marriage exactly, but if you’re changing how you see your wife based on something as obscure as her knowing people who post such things, I’d be very careful. Seems like hunting for trouble, and not a good track for you to begin to follow. It’s better to seek ways of healing, while holding to truth, rather than looking for things to hold against her.

It might indeed point to a larger problem, but it’s too obscure to be sure. And people who go specifically looking for problems are more likely to find them when they aren’t there.

I’m not saying don’t be aware. You should be. I’m only saying be careful that suspicion doesn’t begin to warp and mislead you.



FWIW, I have friends on FB who are very much unlike me. I’m not happy with Christian friends who have expressed sentiments that people who feel differently about the quarantine deserve to get sick and die. I also have friends with certain sinful inclinations that I certainly don’t approve of. One person posts a laughing emoji on many of my serious Christian posts. So far I keep them all. I’ve only unfriended a couple of people over the years, generally for direct attacks on me or someone else. Otherwise I tend to try to be kind, and ignore their bad behavior. They may not be Christian (in which case I shouldn’t hold them to such a standard) or maybe they are going through something terrible and need prayer.

But I wouldn’t want every single post of people I’m friends with to be used to judge me.

I’m not defending your wife. It seems to me she was at least not careful to guard herself, and also not treating you as she should by guarding her faith to you. But how far that goes, I’m not sure. I just wouldn’t want you to get into something that often spirals beyond help, before you have a chance to work through this with her.

Prayers for you both.

 

[Paidiske]

Why am I wrong for bringing up my concerns?

I may be wrong - there's not enough information here for me to be sure either way - but is it possible that she sees you as trying to control her social life? For many women that would be a red flag about much deeper problems in their relationship.

 

[LodiMelvin]

I may be wrong - there's not enough information here for me to be sure either way - but is it possible that she sees you as trying to control her social life? For many women that would be a red flag about much deeper problems in their relationship.

When I asked her if she'd be okay if I did that she said no. I just have an issue with men trying to tempt her and her being okay in keeping these people as friends. I wouldn't want to keep female friends like that because it would be bad for my marriage, I wouldn't want my wife questioning our marriage nor my loyalty to her.

 

[Michie]

Welcome!

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