Married 3 times, shared a lot

[ThisIsMe123]

I had been speaking to this local woman I met online. I think I may have mentioned her in a previous post. Old school presbyterian.

Well, I found out she was married and divorced 3 times. Among other things, I found out she's really been through a lot. Has a major history and had been diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and anxiety.

She said that after her saying all that, she would understand if I wouldn't be interested in pursing things with her. I did concur and said that the 3 marriage situation is kind of a tough pill for me to swallow.

She said that isn't that proud of her history of choosing poor partners, but she's learned from that and is ready, if anything, be willing to marry again. But she also said, if God chooses her to remain single, then so be it.

Her church leaders told me in her sitaution, that remarriage would be okay based on a series of Bible entries.

She said that while God abhors divorce, the Old Testament said something how the brother should marry (a kinsman redeemer). That also a desertion of an unbelieving spouse would allow her to remarry..in addition to sexual immorality.

So in all instances, her ex's abandoned, left her outright.

She thinks that some Christians tend to not consider Old Testament knowledge as part of living, even though Christ's Resurrection was claimed to have done so.

But I don't find it too appealing to have come across someone that's been divorced 3 times regardless...so I can't be sure this would happen again or if she would even be marriage material because of it?

 

[mukk_in]

I'm reminded of the Samaritan woman. She'd be living with 5 men and the current man in her life wasn't her husband! Such is the grace of God. Like you, I wouldn't touch a divorced woman (doesn't matter how many times she'd been divorced). Too much baggage. But, we have to let the Holy Spirit lead. Only you know what God's will for you is brother. Peace in Christ.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I'm reminded of the Samaritan woman. She'd be living with 5 men and the current man in her life wasn't her husband! Such is the grace of God. Like you, I wouldn't touch a divorced woman (doesn't matter how many times she'd been divorced). Too much baggage. But, we have to let the Holy Spirit lead. Only you know what God's will for you is brother. Peace in Christ.

Not even divorced once? Meh, I'd like one time slide...since that's the reality of the world we live in. Esp if you're over 40. Can't TOO picky, right? I draw the line at numerous divorces.

 

[High Fidelity]

Once? Understandable. Twice? Yeah starting to see a pattern. Three times? That's not a red flag. That's someone standing in front of you with the pin pulled on a grenade.

Walk away.

 

[com7fy8]

Her church leaders told me in her sitaution, that remarriage would be okay based on a series of Bible entries.

She said that while God abhors divorce, the Old Testament said something how the brother should marry (a kinsman redeemer). That also a desertion of an unbelieving spouse would allow her to remarry..in addition to sexual immorality.

So in all instances, her ex's abandoned, left her outright.

You can justify what you want to be true.

Possibly, she needs to become able to make sure with God about choices she makes. I think a number of people trust that God expects them to use their own heads to think out things they should do. But I trust that our Father wants to share with us in everything, and personally guide us all the time in his peace >

"And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful." (Colossians 3:15)

And I would think a Christian leader would be able to pray and make sure with God about pronouncing a couple. How come for three times there was no leader who helped her to keep from making a bad choice????

I mean, if they were the wrong ones to marry . . . can't you tell the difference between someone who knows how to love, versus someone not of God's way of loving? Why couldn't her pronouncers tell? Why didn't she have reliable friends who could check them out? May be she has been isolating herself in her methods of getting with someone, instead of doing things as family and discovering who belongs together??

I think you need to be able to make sure with God, not only reason in theory about this This is a personal thing, with you being unique and not subject only to general ideas and rules . . . right ? ?

So, I would say discover her while you enjoy sharing with various Christians. And discover more how Jesus people share in love with you. And from this you might see more clearly if she is like this with you, like your mature examples are . . . or not exactly. But whatever is true, have compassion for her.

And she can grow so she does not need to consider her past, but enjoy how we all share as Jesus family. Get away from how she has failed, but do not hurry to get isolated with some one person. Marriage can be an isolation chamber. People can get isolated with each other so their lust stuff gets pent up and they think it's love; then they ambush the church with their plans to marry, when the church has known nothing about it and ones have not prayed for them and tested them.

"Test all things; hold fast what is good." (1 Thessalonians 5:21)

So . . . you say three guys ran out on her?? Yes, that's abandonment, but how was she relating, possibly, so she turned them all away. Her ways, if she has not changed, could still keep producing the same result. But God can change a person who has trusted in Jesus. She does not need to make some honorable gesture that she is ok with staying single if this is what God wants; but, instead, grow in Jesus and discover how God really takes her along to what He really desires with her; never mind how she can make gestures of honesty, now, while she is less mature.

But I am concerned how she could get herself pronounced three times, by one or ones who could not see through her and whoever she married. Or, did she go to secular people?

But I don't find it too appealing to have come across someone that's been divorced 3 times regardless...so I can't be sure this would happen again or if she would even be marriage material because of it?

Like I say > it's not her history, but her ways in herself, which need attention. Even if she married someone who would not run out on her, and who loved her unconditionally > how is she becoming in how she does things, how she relates and thinks?

I don't think this is an issue of general ideas saying what is ok or not. But see if she is growing as a person, including how well she can help you get more real with God and help us all find out better how to love any and all people the way Jesus wants. If we are growing in grace, we are more and more ministering God's own grace to one another.

So . . . perhaps . . . instead of only discussing this with her and whoever, see if and how and who is ministering for you to become more like Jesus and loving the way the God's word says to love like Jesus, with everyone.



In my case, I got isolated and then in "love" with someone. I did not see it coming; I was sure I was in a website only to pen pal. But she got to me. But she did say she had a real pastor; so I understood he was trusting me to be good with her, even if he did not know about us. So, then, I phoned him, and we had good talks, much more blessing and helping than my talks with her. And I noticed how he said not one word about her; and I understood he was holding himself to confidentiality, plus he was not going to speak encouragement of our relationship, if he knew things about her that meant it would not be good to marry her.

But I found that he and I were ministering to each other, while with her I was isolating and struggling and getting confused. So . . . things worked out, and I could see it was good we did not get together. And, may be, as I kept growing > I outgrew her.

So, see where growing has you going

 

[trophy33]

I would never marry a divorced woman.

a) its unbiblical
b) its not wise, she will be damaged in all possible ways

 

[ThisIsMe123]

You can justify what you want to be true.

Possibly, she needs to become able to make sure with God about choices she makes. I think a number of people trust that God expects them to use their own heads to think out things they should do. But I trust that our Father wants to share with us in everything, and personally guide us all the time in his peace >

"And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful." (Colossians 3:15)

And I would think a Christian leader would be able to pray and make sure with God about pronouncing a couple. How come for three times there was no leader who helped her to keep from making a bad choice????

I mean, if they were the wrong ones to marry . . . can't you tell the difference between someone who knows how to love, versus someone not of God's way of loving? Why couldn't her pronouncers tell? Why didn't she have reliable friends who could check them out? May be she has been isolating herself in her methods of getting with someone, instead of doing things as family and discovering who belongs together??

I think you need to be able to make sure with God, not only reason in theory about this This is a personal thing, with you being unique and not subject only to general ideas and rules . . . right ? ?

So, I would say discover her while you enjoy sharing with various Christians. And discover more how Jesus people share in love with you. And from this you might see more clearly if she is like this with you, like your mature examples are . . . or not exactly. But whatever is true, have compassion for her.

And she can grow so she does not need to consider her past, but enjoy how we all share as Jesus family. Get away from how she has failed, but do not hurry to get isolated with some one person. Marriage can be an isolation chamber. People can get isolated with each other so their lust stuff gets pent up and they think it's love; then they ambush the church with their plans to marry, when the church has known nothing about it and ones have not prayed for them and tested them.

"Test all things; hold fast what is good." (1 Thessalonians 5:21)

So . . . you say three guys ran out on her?? Yes, that's abandonment, but how was she relating, possibly, so she turned them all away. Her ways, if she has not changed, could still keep producing the same result. But God can change a person who has trusted in Jesus. She does not need to make some honorable gesture that she is ok with staying single if this is what God wants; but, instead, grow in Jesus and discover how God really takes her along to what He really desires with her; never mind how she can make gestures of honesty, now, while she is less mature.

But I am concerned how she could get herself pronounced three times, by one or ones who could not see through her and whoever she married. Or, did she go to secular people?

Like I say > it's not her history, but her ways in herself, which need attention. Even if she married someone who would not run out on her, and who loved her unconditionally > how is she becoming in how she does things, how she relates and thinks?

I don't think this is an issue of general ideas saying what is ok or not. But see if she is growing as a person, including how well she can help you get more real with God and help us all find out better how to love any and all people the way Jesus wants. If we are growing in grace, we are more and more ministering God's own grace to one another.

So . . . perhaps . . . instead of only discussing this with her and whoever, see if and how and who is ministering for you to become more like Jesus and loving the way the God's word says to love like Jesus, with everyone.



In my case, I got isolated and then in "love" with someone. I did not see it coming; I was sure I was in a website only to pen pal. But she got to me. But she did say she had a real pastor; so I understood he was trusting me to be good with her, even if he did not know about us. So, then, I phoned him, and we had good talks, much more blessing and helping than my talks with her. And I noticed how he said not one word about her; and I understood he was holding himself to confidentiality, plus he was not going to speak encouragement of our relationship, if he knew things about her that meant it would not be good to marry her.

But I found that he and I were ministering to each other, while with her I was isolating and struggling and getting confused. So . . . things worked out, and I could see it was good we did not get together. And, may be, as I kept growing > I outgrew her.

So, see where growing has you going

If it's any consolation...it could be all considered water under the bridge as she feels she's learned her lesson...yes, even after 3 marriages, she stated:

"I'm not proud of the state of my personal relationships. In many ways, I understand the woman at the well and the stigma SHE endured. Going through divorce has softened me and caused me to develop an even DEEPER respect of the sanctity of relationships and to cherish the blessing of a Christian marriage.

All that said in done, this may or may not coerce a Chrsitian dating prospect into reconsidering the "sticker shock" of 3 marriages/divorces.

She said she's suffered over 20 years of depression, so sought out conseling etc.

Like I said, water under the bridge at this point now that she's in her 50s. Of course, I just gave the condensed version of her testimonial. There was a whole wall of text she sent me given the horrors of her past. Not sure this will turn any Christian man's view of her though.

 

[dayhiker]

Before I made any long term commitment to a woman who had been divorced 3 times, I'd want to get the other side of the story. I'd talk to the 3 EXs. See what those three guys had to say. I'm suspecting they would be in agreement.

 

[ReesePiece23]

Oh, man... Nah, I'd probably give her a wide berth.

I SO wanted to say that I'd look past it all, but three times is no coincidence - it might be, but it'd have to be amazing bad luck.

She's impossible.

 

[Sketcher]

I had been speaking to this local woman I met online. I think I may have mentioned her in a previous post. Old school presbyterian.

Well, I found out she was married and divorced 3 times. Among other things, I found out she's really been through a lot. Has a major history and had been diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and anxiety.

She said that after her saying all that, she would understand if I wouldn't be interested in pursing things with her. I did concur and said that the 3 marriage situation is kind of a tough pill for me to swallow.

She said that isn't that proud of her history of choosing poor partners, but she's learned from that and is ready, if anything, be willing to marry again. But she also said, if God chooses her to remain single, then so be it.

Her church leaders told me in her sitaution, that remarriage would be okay based on a series of Bible entries.

She said that while God abhors divorce, the Old Testament said something how the brother should marry (a kinsman redeemer). That also a desertion of an unbelieving spouse would allow her to remarry..in addition to sexual immorality.

So in all instances, her ex's abandoned, left her outright.

She thinks that some Christians tend to not consider Old Testament knowledge as part of living, even though Christ's Resurrection was claimed to have done so.

But I don't find it too appealing to have come across someone that's been divorced 3 times regardless...so I can't be sure this would happen again or if she would even be marriage material because of it?

A few thoughts:

1. I'm not sold on abandonment being a legitimate excuse to remarry. Looking at 1 Corinthians 7:10-15, it appears that Paul said his judgment, among other things, is that if an unbelieving spouse refuses to live with a believing spouse, the believing spouse can let the unbeliever go without sinning, for the sake of peace in the home. He does not clearly with authority from God say that the believer may remarry while the unbeliever still lives. It's one thing to separate, it's another to get together with someone else after the separation.
   
   
2. Three husbands abandoned her. How do you know she won't act in a way that will make you want to be the fourth? She said she grew. Great. How do you know she's grown enough?
   
   
3. What are her positive traits?

 

[blackribbon]

She isn't any more likely for a failed marriage than a woman who hasn't ever married (unless she is the one who continuously walked out on the marriages so had a history of quitting). The unmarried woman has no track record to compare to. For all we know, her problem is being attracted to and marrying ungodly man who have the same tendencies than ends marriages.

I think that any sin that is related to remarriage after divorce is on the divorced person, not who he/she who marries a divorced person. It is up to the divorced person to work this out with God, alone. However, I do not think that God forbids people from loving and caring for other people...and that includes those who have been divorced. I think we walk on shaky ground when we judge other people, especially when we are not perfect ourselves.

And if you are so determined to get married, I wouldn't immediately rule out a single Christian woman whom you are attracted to without taking time to see who they are today within their own world and a lot of pray. I would do church based premarital counseling before marrying her though...maybe even before getting officially engaged to address expectations and fears.

 

[Sketcher]

I think that any sin that is related to remarriage after divorce is on the divorced person, not who he/she who marries a divorced person. It is up to the divorced person to work this out with God, alone. However, I do not think that God forbids people from loving and caring for other people...and that includes those who have been divorced. I think we walk on shaky ground when we judge other people, especially when we are not perfect ourselves.

The nature of adultery is that when there are two or more consenting parties to the adultery, they all commit adultery. And Jesus classified remarriage as adultery, with one possible exception (Matt. 19:9). Since this is a sin that is also by it's nature painful and very disruptive to repent from, it is better that Christians don't get wrapped up in it to begin with. Warnings against doing so are good and unfortunately necessary.

 

[blackribbon]

The nature of adultery is that when there are two or more consenting parties to the adultery, they all commit adultery. And Jesus classified remarriage as adultery, with one possible exception (Matt. 19:9). Since this is a sin that is also by it's nature painful and very disruptive to repent from, it is better that Christians don't get wrapped up in it to begin with. Warnings against doing so are good and unfortunately necessary.

So marrying poorly is an "unforgiveable" sin? Tough luck. You don't deserve to be loved again.

If you really feel this way, the problem isn't 3 divorces....

I would think this should also mean that anyone who has had sex before marriage isn't free to date because they have committed a sexual sin (same loose definition of adultery).

Only virgins and widowed people are available to date and marry, ThisIsIt. I hope you are a virgin or you are crap out of luck. But you are also have an extremely shallow pool of people to pick from. Good luck.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

So marrying poorly is an "unforgiveable" sin? Tough luck. You don't deserve to be loved again.

If you really feel this way, the problem isn't 3 divorces....

I would think this should also mean that anyone who has had sex before marriage isn't free to date because they have committed a sexual sin (same loose definition of adultery).

Only virgins and widowed people are available to date and marry, ThisIsIt. I hope you are a virgin or you are crap out of luck. But you are also have an extremely shallow pool of people to pick from. Good luck.

Are you saying this based on the person you quoted above?

Yeah, I've never been married, and with a billion 40-something divorcee's, yes EVEN divorced Christians, in existence (slightly exaggerating the #'s for effect, lol)...Yeah, I am screwed. lol.

This is why I believe I don't think it's entirely accurate. However, Jesus died for our sins, so we have that going for us believers.

It occurred to me. I've always wondered why there are SO many divorced Christians out there? I mean, how can you call yourself "Christian" if you had jumped on the band wagon with the rest of the world because you married a piece of crap spouse that abuses you, drugs, and whatever else?

In the "good ol days" divorce was something you never did. It was not an option for our Depression and WWII era relatives. You just stayed in whatever miserable situation you were in and dealt with the offending party, until death.

 

[blackribbon]

Are you saying this based on the person you quoted above?

Yeah, I've never been married, and with a billion 40-something divorcee's, yes EVEN divorced Christians, in existence (slightly exaggerating the #'s for effect, lol)...Yeah, I am screwed. lol.

This is why I believe I don't think it's entirely accurate. However, Jesus died for our sins, so we have that going for us believers.

It occurred to me. I've always wondered why there are SO many divorced Christians out there? I mean, how can you call yourself "Christian" if you had jumped on the band wagon with the rest of the world because you married a piece of crap spouse that abuses you, drugs, and whatever else?

In the "good ol days" divorce was something you never did. It was not an option for our Depression and WWII era relatives. You just stayed in whatever miserable situation you were in and dealt with the offending party, until death.

I did say this based on what the person said above. And it was full of sarcasm. I don't think it is wrong to love. And I don't think that it is sinful to get remarried after a marriage falls apart as long as you recognize your role in the failure and you confess this to God. I don't think it is wrong for a Christian to love another Christian, even if they are divorced. Loving people is never a sin. Judging them for their imperfections is.

If you like her, then take a chance to get to know her better and the circumstances around her divorce. Don't rush the relationship but don't throw it away before checking it out. You both deserve to be loved. Maybe you can find it with each other. Good luck.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

the words translated as "bound" in 1 Corinthians 7:15 and romans 7:2 aren't the same greek word. some translations render the word in 1cor7:15 as "under bondage" which refers to a suspension of marital duties but is not an annulment of the 'one flesh' union described in rom7:2.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

So marrying poorly is an "unforgiveable" sin? Tough luck. You don't deserve to be loved again.

who has made this argument?

 

[Sketcher]

So marrying poorly is an "unforgiveable" sin? Tough luck. You don't deserve to be loved again.

If you really feel this way, the problem isn't 3 divorces....

I would think this should also mean that anyone who has had sex before marriage isn't free to date because they have committed a sexual sin (same loose definition of adultery).

Only virgins and widowed people are available to date and marry, ThisIsIt. I hope you are a virgin or you are crap out of luck. But you are also have an extremely shallow pool of people to pick from. Good luck.

Not what I said. Divorce can be forgiven. Marrying poorly isn't even always a sin to forgive, but when it is, it can be forgiven. Forgiveness of the sin does not dissolve the marriage state, however. The marriage state must be honored (Hebrews 13:4).

Also, I didn't say that repentant fornicators could not marry - though some will argue that, they are the people who claim that sex = marraige when both people are single. I don't share that position. If you're going to criticize what I say, criticize what I really say, rather than putting a twist on my position and criticizing that.

 

[blackribbon]

Not what I said. Divorce can be forgiven. Marrying poorly isn't even always a sin to forgive, but when it is, it can be forgiven. Forgiveness of the sin does not dissolve the marriage state, however. The marriage state must be honored (Hebrews 13:4).

Also, I didn't say that repentant fornicators could not marry - though some will argue that, they are the people who claim that sex = marraige when both people are single. I don't share that position. If you're going to criticize what I say, criticize what I really say, rather than putting a twist on my position and criticizing that.

"Two become one" is the definition of marriage Biblically and most cultures do not believe a marriage is a until it is consummated. There is no required ceremony in the Bible. Marriage is a sexual union. If you believe that, then to have sex with someone is forming a marriage. That means that anyone who has sex enters into a form of marriage with that person. Any sexual relationship after that would be adulterous if you believe that a marriage can not be completely dissolved to the point that a person can enter into a new marriage and sexual relationship with another person.

I didn't put a twist on what you said. I responded to what I believed I read...and how it extends beyond that. I can't read your mind on what you believe beyond what you wrote.

I don't understand how people can believe that having sex outside of a marriage is not as bad as ending a marriage, repenting, and committing to a monogamous relationship to another. At least with the marriage, there was an attempt to do it right even if the actual relationship wasn't successful. One at least acknowledges that a sexual relationship is sacred and should be in the confines of marriage. The other just says sex isn't that important and makes it okay to "do it" and keeps your options for marriage free. Does that make sense? Casual sex means freedom to get married. Committed sex means you are stuck for life. ???

This is just my observations and my opinion. I can't condemn a person to being alone forever because their spouse was a louse and left them...regardless of the reason. Some people don't belong married. Some people change and become toxic to be married to. The ideal marriage is between two sexually pure individuals. However, God forgives and most people are not sexually pure an the best they can claim is to be forgiven and covered with grace.

Honestly, do people really believe that somehow a person who has had unmarried sex is "better" or less sinful than someone who only had sex within a marriage contract and yet the marriage failed? Does that sound like a distinction that you can hear Jesus saying? Sexually pure means never having had sexual relations. Anyone else is sexually tainted.

I think this is one of those instances where a person is trying to point out a splinter in someone elses eye without address the log in their own.... JMO.

 

[Lybrah]

I had been speaking to this local woman I met online. I think I may have mentioned her in a previous post. Old school presbyterian.

Well, I found out she was married and divorced 3 times. Among other things, I found out she's really been through a lot. Has a major history and had been diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and anxiety.

She said that after her saying all that, she would understand if I wouldn't be interested in pursing things with her. I did concur and said that the 3 marriage situation is kind of a tough pill for me to swallow.

She said that isn't that proud of her history of choosing poor partners, but she's learned from that and is ready, if anything, be willing to marry again. But she also said, if God chooses her to remain single, then so be it.

Her church leaders told me in her sitaution, that remarriage would be okay based on a series of Bible entries.

She said that while God abhors divorce, the Old Testament said something how the brother should marry (a kinsman redeemer). That also a desertion of an unbelieving spouse would allow her to remarry..in addition to sexual immorality.

So in all instances, her ex's abandoned, left her outright.

She thinks that some Christians tend to not consider Old Testament knowledge as part of living, even though Christ's Resurrection was claimed to have done so.

But I don't find it too appealing to have come across someone that's been divorced 3 times regardless...so I can't be sure this would happen again or if she would even be marriage material because of it?

My concern with marrying a divorcee would be that it's adultery in God's eyes (unless the spouse cheated on the person). In the NT, Jesus overrules Moses' viewpoint on divorce and makes it perfectly clear that by marrying one who has been divorced is adultery. Thou shall not commit adultery is one of the ten commandments. If you marry that person until you die you've been in a state of unrepented sin.
However, if the person who is divorced had no say in the matter and tried to stay together, the other one was hell bent on dissolving the marriage, then that is a different story. Because that person didn't want to end the marriage but was forced to.
Someone who has been married three times---it is unlikely that it was the other person's fault all three times.
Not wanting to date a divorced person narrows our dating pool quite a bit, especially as we get older because that is all that is left. And another thing is that besides adultery, if the two people gave up on each other and divorced over petty stuff, does that mean that they would do the same to you? They weren't willing to try to make it work with their first marriage.