Marriage troubles

[Continually Searching]

I am in my second marriage. We have been together 12 years now, married 11 and a half. We have had a very rough season for the last three years. I recently found he had a secret phone in which he was on dating sites, some not so very nice. We talked, and I have access to the phone, but he won't give it up (the phone). Since I found the phone about a month ago, I have seen around 6 email accounts that he has and signs in and out of. I have prayed for clarity for many years. It seems when we are together, I lose or chose to lose my walk with God. When there is trouble, I have daily worship and study. I'm not really sure what I should be doing or thinking at this point. It would be very nice to hear of others who have walked through this valley, that I may obtain some sort of guidance.

 

[Llleopard]

Hi there Searching! ☺ good on you for having the courage to even try a second marriage! My husband and I are on our third each, and have seen a lot of different heartbreak. Is your husband a Christian? If so, how serious do you think he wants to be? That makes a huge difference in how you might go about dealing with what's happening in your life.

 

[Continually Searching]

Hi there Searching! ☺ good on you for having the courage to even try a second marriage! My husband and I are on our third each, and have seen a lot of different heartbreak. Is your husband a Christian? If so, how serious do you think he wants to be? That makes a huge difference in how you might go about dealing with what's happening in your life.

Yes, he is a Christian. The first man I attended church with, in fact. I think he's serious, but I also know he has the ability to lie and tell stories with no problem. I suppose it comes down to me. I have been in Hosea, and God had marry a prostitute and buy her back when she ran away. Shouldn't I be willing to do that as well??

 

[tampasteve]

I would HIGHLY advise the two of you to see a Christian marriage and family counselor. This is a matter that must be discussed and made clear. Over time he can regain your trust, but he has to work on it - as will you. But having a impartial third party that is trained in these matters will help clarity and healing come much quicker.

I went through a marriage with a woman that lied and cheated for close to 10 years. In the end it did not work out, but having the counselor there helping along the way definitely made things easier during and after the marriage. Mine fell apart because my ex was not willing to actually change, and continued to cheat, but it does not have to end that way.

But I can say that almost any professional will say you have the following rights (until trust is rebuilt):
1. Access to all phones
2. Unquestioned access to messages
3. Access to all email accounts
4. Truthfulness
5. Full honesty on what he has done

Number 4 is the most important. If he slips, he should tell you. If he is about to slip, he should tell you. If he continues the cycle of deception, healing will not come to either of you. Without honesty the marriage is destined to fail. It is recoverable, but only with real honesty and real work.

 

[Llleopard]

Totally agree with that post! Emphasis on finding a Christian counsellor. Worth the wait and the money if no free service available.
About hosea... he was a prophet used by God for some very specific purposes and his family life is representative of God's relationship with Israel. He was ordered to marry her, and knew what he was getting into. I think we are allowed to make sensible well thought out decisions based on our own life circumstances. We are not necessarily required to be a doormat for an unrepentant abusive partner to the point where it destroys our mental, spiritual or physical health. And I don't believe we should let guilt drive our decisions either. ☺

 

[DZoolander]

What's his reasoning for not being willing to get rid of the phone?

I mean - that part makes no sense to me.

 

[little_miss_sunshine]

I also recommend a Christian counselor. Me and my husband went to one for about 6 months when things were hard for us and it was very useful.
Make sure you are patient because everything has a solution