Marriage Rating

[lancers1990]

I was listening to Gary Chapman on "Focus on the Family" today. He suggested asking your spouse to rate your marriage.

One = Hell-like
Ten = Heaven-like

I asked my wife and she said we are a seven. I guess I have some work to do.

Then I asked her what would raise it a point. She gave a few suggestions that I'm going to work on.

 

[seekfirst]

I was listening to Gary Chapman on "Focus on the Family" today. He suggested asking your spouse to rate your marriage.

One = Hell-like
Ten = Heaven-like

I asked my wife and she said we are a seven. I guess I have some work to do.

Then I asked her what would raise it a point. She gave a few suggestions that I'm going to work on.

I think it's a way to open up to eachother, and start discussing some things...as long as both people do it is a loving, gentle way. Sometimes the other spouse has no idea there is a problem, so this may be one way of finding out. Of course be mature about it, and be willing to work on change once you find out. Not changing after it is brought up could make things worse!!

 

[Yitzchak]

There is a verse in the bible which says that In Christ we are equiped for every good work. Being a good husband is certainlya good work. As we grow closer to Christ and ask Him he will show us ways to be a better husband or wife that maybe even our spouse is not aware of the need for.
There is nothing wrong with asking but the answer does depend a great deal upon your spouse's level of maturity and emotional state.
I think it is comparable to works and grace in our relationship with the lord. The stability of the marriage rests upon grace and love. Out of that grows our works.
So if we desire to learn how to please our spouse because of our love for them, then that is awesome. If we are on the treadmill of works then that is emotionally exhausting. We all need a safe place to let our guard down and not have to be perfect.
Just offering a little balance.

 

[bliz]

In all honesty...

... at one point this morning, had my husband asked me the question, my answer would have been "One! One! One! You *#*!*&^%!!! How can you possibly ask such a stupid question?!?" (Actually, I've never hurled explicitives at him, or anyone for that matter, but they sure were on the tip of mind mind this morning!)

Earlier this same morning my answer would have been " It's a 10, honey! Do you really need to ask? 10! 10! 10!"

And I would have been compleatly honest both times.

My days aren't usually quite so emotional or varied and I haven't been as angry as I was this morning in many years. But asking the question at the wrong moment could be a very dangerous thing to do and answers could be quite damaging. If folks are inclined to do this, read the situations very carefully.

Perhaps couples would be better served if they charted their numerical rankings over a month and then sat down for a conversation. That might be much more realistic, much more helpful.

 

[seekfirst]

In all honesty...

... at one point this morning, had my husband asked me the question, my answer would have been "One! One! One! You *#*!*&^%!!! How can you possibly ask such a stupid question?!?" (Actually, I've never hurled explicitives at him, or anyone for that matter, but they sure were on the tip of mind mind this morning!)

Earlier this same morning my answer would have been " It's a 10, honey! Do you really need to ask? 10! 10! 10!"

And I would have been compleatly honest both times.

My days aren't usually quite so emotional or varied and I haven't been as angry as I was this morning in many years. But asking the question at the wrong moment could be a very dangerous thing to do and answers could be quite damaging. If folks are inclined to do this, read the situations very carefully.

Perhaps couples would be better served if they charted their numerical rankings over a month and then sat down for a conversation. That might be much more realistic, much more helpful.

I agree...timing is very important as well!! I can only imagine how he fell from a 10 to a 1!!!!!

 

[Southern Cross]

Blue Impulse, you jumped on this topic a bit too hard. You're taking it way too seriously. Lighten up kiddo . What doesn't work for you may work very well for others and Chapman is a great resource.

Using a rating system can be a really a good thing. It will open up the doors to discussion. Keep in mind you can only work on one or two things at a time. My wife and I have done this in the past, and it does work remarkably well. If I got one thing I could work on, it was worth it. If I rated our marriage now, it would be a "1" or a "2", because we're on the brink of a divorce. But there are times where it was a "9" or "10". I don't think it hurts to ask how your spouse feels about your marriage no matter where you're at.

If you don't feel like rating your marriage on a scale is workable, simply asking your spouse what one thing he/she thinks you need to work on is a great alternative.

 

[Katydid]

I think the scale will work if you have built up to it. My husband would know that the answer would not be 10, but we also both have discussed enough to know WHY it wouldn't be a 10. We have worked our way to where we are. We have had our problems and had to learn to be open and honest, and how to accept open and honest answers even when they aren't what we want to hear. I think if you have built up enough trust in knowing that your spouse won't "loose it" if you give an honest answer, but they will try to work at improving things, then it would work just fine.

 

[bliz]

I can only imagine how he fell from a 10 to a 1!!!!!

There were a few hours in between, and my rankings had as much to do with how I felt about me as how I felt about him, but the rest I'll leave to your imagination!

 

[alaskamolly]

That was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO funny!!!!!!!!!!!!




I think a rating idea is great--it's a good way to get an idea how the other spouse is feeling. Might be a really good way to get a "non-expressive" man to open up a little, too. And it's not something that everyone will appreciate, as Blue pointed out. Different strokes for different folks! But personally, I'd not mind it a bit. I'd venture a 7 on mine. I bet that's what my husband would say. In fact, I'll ask him right now (he's reading beside me)...

HA! He said 7 too!

I don't think 7 means "bad," by the way. And he didn't just say 7 because I'm only a 7 to him or something, and same with me. I would say 7 because our marriage is awesome, but yet I know it could be soooooooo much better.

I know God has much much more for us. Sure, He's walked us through hellfire and back so far to get us where we're at, don't get me wrong, but yet I know there is MORE--there is a higher place, a sweeter place, and He's walking us there right now. And praise God for that! (Lord, never let us settle for second-best...)


Blessings,
Molly

 

[fruitrach]

I think its a great way to open up discussion if you and spousey find it hard to get started with talking about stuff.

I think one of the things that's important with these discussions (with or without number ratings) is that you both agree not to take anything personally, to be as honest as you can, and to try to reach some workable "next steps"

I think the reason people might react the way BlueImpulse did might be more to do with their own insecurities than anything else? You really can't ask your partner to rate your marriage 1-10 if you couldn't handle them saying 1 and be prepared to work on how you could raise it to a 2.

Hubby and I were talking about the amount of time we (don't) spend together at the weekend and we got all cross and shouty for a while before we realised we were both trying to make each other see the same thing. Maybe we need to work on our communication issues first??

 

[bliz]

I think its a great way to open up discussion if you and spousey find it hard to get started with talking about stuff.

I think one of the things that's important with these discussions (with or without number ratings) is that you both agree not to take anything personally...

I agree, the rating can be a great way to start a conversation.

But how on earth can a married couple discussing their marriage not take comments personally?

 

[Katydid]

I think what that means is that noone takes it as a marriage breaker. For instance, one of the things that bugs me about my husband is how lovey dovey he is. I mean VERY afffectionate, and I am not as affectionate. I had to hear, without taking offense, that he wished I was more affectionate. He loves me, I know that, he wants to be married to me, I know that, so I didn't take it "personal" as she said, but I took it as something I needed to improve on. He did the same when I told him how I felt. We didn't get our feelings hurt, we took it as "constructive criticism". Something that isn't horrible, doesn't devalue you, but something that it would be nice if it could improve. Does that make sense?

 

[bliz]

Once upon a time in my life I was fired from a job and the person doing the firing urged me not to take it personally; this was just business. How was I not to take that personally? It was me that wasn't going to have a job the next day! I took it very personally! That does not mean I behaved badly or acted out, but one cannot deal with the loss of a job only at an intellectual level.

If my husband were to say "I'd give our marriage an 8, but, Honey, in all honesty, I'd have to give our sex life a 5." I would take that very personally. I see no way that such a statement, no matter how lovingly it is said cannot be personal! Which is not to say that the conversation (that will hopefully follow) cannot be helpful and add greatly to the marriage. It can. But part of why the discussion can so helpful is that it will be a very personal conversation that both people will take very personally.

 

[Katydid]

OK well, for my husband and I, we take it personally in a good way. A way of, well, say he said "it's a 5", I would be able to say "Wow at least it isn't a 1". I know it sounds crazy, but we have a marriage where we can say things without taking it as an insult.

 

[fruitrach]

I agree, Bliz, it is hard not to take things personally but I reckon the only way to discuss things productively in marriage is to not take it personally.

When my husband tells me things he's not happy about with our marriage he doesn't mean he doesn't love me because of it, or even that he blames me. He just means that if he could, this is what he'd change.

It's easy to think of things you're not happy with in your own marriage isn't it? You have to realise and accept that your husband will have things too. (I'm not saying you don't... just speaking generally) I've got things I'd like to change in our marriage but it doesn't mean I hate my husband, or that i don't love him, or that I want to divorce him. And I think that by talking about stuff, there's more chance for change in both of us. But in order to expect him to listen to my POV, I have to be able to hear his too. How can that be constructive if we just get offended straight away?