Marriage problems

[Annie-May]

Hi, I’ve been married 9 years and after years of fertility problems and treatments we have finally been blessed with our wonderful son.

I noticed our marriage has been getting worse since I fell pregnant. My husband and I used to share household chores and spend time together and although he has always been overweight he was motivating himself to get fitter so we can enjoy more activities together. Since I fell pregnant he was less and less interested in keeping fit and now has developed pre-diabetes, he is the heaviest he has ever been and isn’t interested in improving his diet. His father died recently of diabetes and this hasn’t made him think of taking responsibility for his health and making changes to make sure he is around for his son. He is tired constantly and spends almost all free time on his iPad. He uses tv as his go-to when with our son and never suggests taking him to the park or any activities. He does sometimes play with him and that’s lovely to see but I wish he did it more often.

Everything seems to be my fault in the relationship and I now arrange all the household cleaning, organising and manage finances apart from he deals with his car and takes the bins out and will go to the shops. I feel like he is a guest in our own home and I can’t talk to him as he gets angry. I am worn out, I realise I will be at fault in areas but it surely cannot be all my doing? He doesn’t seem a very Christian husband and has changed since we married. If he was like he is now when we met I certainly would not have married him. Is there a way to save our marriage?

 

[SeventhFisherofMen]

Hi, I’ve been married 9 years and after years of fertility problems and treatments we have finally been blessed with our wonderful son.

I noticed our marriage has been getting worse since I fell pregnant. My husband and I used to share household chores and spend time together and although he has always been overweight he was motivating himself to get fitter so we can enjoy more activities together. Since I fell pregnant he was less and less interested in keeping fit and now has developed pre-diabetes, he is the heaviest he has ever been and isn’t interested in improving his diet. His father died recently of diabetes and this hasn’t made him think of taking responsibility for his health and making changes to make sure he is around for his son. He is tired constantly and spends almost all free time on his iPad. He uses tv as his go-to when with our son and never suggests taking him to the park or any activities. He does sometimes play with him and that’s lovely to see but I wish he did it more often.

Everything seems to be my fault in the relationship and I now arrange all the household cleaning, organising and manage finances apart from he deals with his car and takes the bins out and will go to the shops. I feel like he is a guest in our own home and I can’t talk to him as he gets angry. I am worn out, I realise I will be at fault in areas but it surely cannot be all my doing? He doesn’t seem a very Christian husband and has changed since we married. If he was like he is now when we met I certainly would not have married him. Is there a way to save our marriage?

What is his response when you tell him how you feel? You mentioned he gets angry is that meaning he just gets upset and doesn't want to talk about what's going on?

 

[disciple Clint]

Hi, I’ve been married 9 years and after years of fertility problems and treatments we have finally been blessed with our wonderful son.

I noticed our marriage has been getting worse since I fell pregnant. My husband and I used to share household chores and spend time together and although he has always been overweight he was motivating himself to get fitter so we can enjoy more activities together. Since I fell pregnant he was less and less interested in keeping fit and now has developed pre-diabetes, he is the heaviest he has ever been and isn’t interested in improving his diet. His father died recently of diabetes and this hasn’t made him think of taking responsibility for his health and making changes to make sure he is around for his son. He is tired constantly and spends almost all free time on his iPad. He uses tv as his go-to when with our son and never suggests taking him to the park or any activities. He does sometimes play with him and that’s lovely to see but I wish he did it more often.

Everything seems to be my fault in the relationship and I now arrange all the household cleaning, organising and manage finances apart from he deals with his car and takes the bins out and will go to the shops. I feel like he is a guest in our own home and I can’t talk to him as he gets angry. I am worn out, I realise I will be at fault in areas but it surely cannot be all my doing? He doesn’t seem a very Christian husband and has changed since we married. If he was like he is now when we met I certainly would not have married him. Is there a way to save our marriage?

I would suggest a family night once per week, maybe a few scriptures and then Mom and Dad play with the child and share time together.

 

[pdudgeon]

I'm wondering what kind of family he grew up in, especially what his dad was like when he was a boy?
Maybe you could raise that topic with him, and get some insight as to his behavior now as a dad??
Was his father around the family? What kind of things did he and his dad do together?
What kind of a life does he hope that his son has?
All these things must be running thru his mind now, so it would be helpful for both of you to talk about what kind of future he envisions for the three of you as a family.

 

[Paidiske]

I'm wondering, how old is the baby now? And also, are you both working? These things both have some bearing on how I'd read your post.

 

[Hammster]

Hi, I’ve been married 9 years and after years of fertility problems and treatments we have finally been blessed with our wonderful son.

I noticed our marriage has been getting worse since I fell pregnant. My husband and I used to share household chores and spend time together and although he has always been overweight he was motivating himself to get fitter so we can enjoy more activities together. Since I fell pregnant he was less and less interested in keeping fit and now has developed pre-diabetes, he is the heaviest he has ever been and isn’t interested in improving his diet. His father died recently of diabetes and this hasn’t made him think of taking responsibility for his health and making changes to make sure he is around for his son. He is tired constantly and spends almost all free time on his iPad. He uses tv as his go-to when with our son and never suggests taking him to the park or any activities. He does sometimes play with him and that’s lovely to see but I wish he did it more often.

Everything seems to be my fault in the relationship and I now arrange all the household cleaning, organising and manage finances apart from he deals with his car and takes the bins out and will go to the shops. I feel like he is a guest in our own home and I can’t talk to him as he gets angry. I am worn out, I realise I will be at fault in areas but it surely cannot be all my doing? He doesn’t seem a very Christian husband and has changed since we married. If he was like he is now when we met I certainly would not have married him. Is there a way to save our marriage?

If he’s in sin, then you need to go talk to your pastor.

 

[Annie-May]

I'm wondering, how old is the baby now? And also, are you both working? These things both have some bearing on how I'd read your post.

 

[Annie-May]

Sorry I’m not used to this forum yet hence the empty reply. Our son is 2.5, we both work I work part time but bring the same money in as I have a higher paid job and I look after our son on my days off.

 

[Paidiske]

Ok; so you're past that first newborn stage. And you're home more than he is, but both of you have work commitments outside the home. That does make it seem more reasonable that you push to have your concerns addressed.

The thing that concerns me most in your post is that he doesn't seem open to listening to and responding to what you're trying to raise, but uses anger to avoid doing so. That's not healthy.

Would he be open to going to counselling with you?

 

[Annie-May]

What is his response when you tell him how you feel? You mentioned he gets angry is that meaning he just gets upset and doesn't want to talk about what's going on?

He gets angry with me and will raise his voice even if our son is in the room. It’s always that I’ve done or not done something. He says he will do ‘so and so’ then often doesn’t follow through.

 

[Annie-May]

He gets angry with me and will raise his voice even if our son is in the room. It’s always that I’ve done or not done something. He says he will do ‘so and so’ then often doesn’t follow through.

Ok; so you're past that first newborn stage. And you're home more than he is, but both of you have work commitments outside the home. That does make it seem more reasonable that you push to have your concerns addressed.

The thing that concerns me most in your post is that he doesn't seem open to listening to and responding to what you're trying to raise, but uses anger to avoid doing so. That's not healthy.

Would he be open to going to counselling with you?

I tried counselling once and he only remembers the things I need to change and says he wasn’t told to do anything different when my notes I took from the session say otherwise. I can’t keep going like this. When I say I’m worried we are heading to a separation he gets angry and says ‘you don’t get to make that decision, I am head of the household and make the ultimate decisions’ but he won’t step up as head of the household in my opinion. If I was on my own I would manage perfectly well as I would only have to add a food shop and taking the bins out to what I already do. I want him to contribute more to our relationship and family life, without him feeling attacked or me being attacked by him when I raise concerns. Any concern I have is ‘having a go’ at him despite me ensuring not to raise my voice and trying to encourage a conversation. His dad was always working when he was young and didn’t look after his own diabetes but following retirement did a lot around the house until he passed, I’m not seeing that with my husband he doesn’t volunteer to contribute I am always having to ask him it’s like he can’t see anything needs doing. I have to remind him to shower and take his medication or brush his teeth, otherwise he will go 1-2 weeks without a shower and about a week without brushing his teeth. He refuses to consider he has any mental health problems. I often wonder if I would find it easier and less stressful living with our son on my own and I dont want to be feeling that way.

 

[Paidiske]

He doesn't sound well.

But that isn't an excuse for his behaviour, either. Is there someone in his life whom he respects and looks up to, who might speak to him about what's going on? A minister, or someone else?

 

[Annie-May]

Not really. I’ve spoken to his mum about it but she understandably takes his side. He doesn’t have any friends. I am the only person he has regular contact with despite me trying to encourage him to make stronger connections at work and Church. He speaks to his mother most days but doesn’t often talk about his feelings etc, with me and his mum and anyone else really he tends to tell us things like what he’s seen on the news or articles he’s read, he doesn’t connect through asking how others are doing or about what they are doing in their lives very much which makes me feel like a student rather than his wife a lot of the time as I don’t get that emotional connection unless I initiate it and it’s not always well received

 

[Joy]

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[Paidiske]

In that case, you probably have very limited options. You can try giving him an ultimatum; things need to change, these are the actions you would like to see him take, or you will be making changes (eg. a separation). But you'd have to be safe, have a plan, and be prepared to follow through.

 

[Hammster]

I tried counselling once and he only remembers the things I need to change and says he wasn’t told to do anything different when my notes I took from the session say otherwise. I can’t keep going like this. When I say I’m worried we are heading to a separation he gets angry and says ‘you don’t get to make that decision, I am head of the household and make the ultimate decisions’ but he won’t step up as head of the household in my opinion. If I was on my own I would manage perfectly well as I would only have to add a food shop and taking the bins out to what I already do. I want him to contribute more to our relationship and family life, without him feeling attacked or me being attacked by him when I raise concerns. Any concern I have is ‘having a go’ at him despite me ensuring not to raise my voice and trying to encourage a conversation. His dad was always working when he was young and didn’t look after his own diabetes but following retirement did a lot around the house until he passed, I’m not seeing that with my husband he doesn’t volunteer to contribute I am always having to ask him it’s like he can’t see anything needs doing. I have to remind him to shower and take his medication or brush his teeth, otherwise he will go 1-2 weeks without a shower and about a week without brushing his teeth. He refuses to consider he has any mental health problems. I often wonder if I would find it easier and less stressful living with our son on my own and I dont want to be feeling that way.

You need to go to your elders.

 

[Mink61]

I tried counselling once and he only remembers the things I need to change and says he wasn’t told to do anything different when my notes I took from the session say otherwise. I can’t keep going like this. When I say I’m worried we are heading to a separation he gets angry and says ‘you don’t get to make that decision, I am head of the household and make the ultimate decisions’ but he won’t step up as head of the household in my opinion. If I was on my own I would manage perfectly well as I would only have to add a food shop and taking the bins out to what I already do. I want him to contribute more to our relationship and family life, without him feeling attacked or me being attacked by him when I raise concerns. Any concern I have is ‘having a go’ at him despite me ensuring not to raise my voice and trying to encourage a conversation. His dad was always working when he was young and didn’t look after his own diabetes but following retirement did a lot around the house until he passed, I’m not seeing that with my husband he doesn’t volunteer to contribute I am always having to ask him it’s like he can’t see anything needs doing. I have to remind him to shower and take his medication or brush his teeth, otherwise he will go 1-2 weeks without a shower and about a week without brushing his teeth. He refuses to consider he has any mental health problems. I often wonder if I would find it easier and less stressful living with our son on my own and I dont want to be feeling that way.

Since you already expressed your fears about a possible separation, and his attitude is what's bolded above, I would NOT suggest what's bolded below:

In that case, you probably have very limited options. You can try giving him an ultimatum; things need to change, these are the actions you would like to see him take, or you will be making changes (eg. a separation). But you'd have to be safe, have a plan, and be prepared to follow through.

With the entitled attitude he has, giving him an ultimatum would only further enrage him.

But @Paidiske is right. You'd have to have a plan; one that keeps you and your son safe. A plan would include getting all your ducks in a row before you actually separate. As the Boy Scout's motto says, "Be prepared!"

 

[BobRyan]

Hi, I’ve been married 9 years and after years of fertility problems and treatments we have finally been blessed with our wonderful son.

I noticed our marriage has been getting worse since I fell pregnant. My husband and I used to share household chores and spend time together and although he has always been overweight he was motivating himself to get fitter so we can enjoy more activities together. Since I fell pregnant he was less and less interested in keeping fit and now has developed pre-diabetes, he is the heaviest he has ever been and isn’t interested in improving his diet. His father died recently of diabetes and this hasn’t made him think of taking responsibility for his health and making changes to make sure he is around for his son. He is tired constantly and spends almost all free time on his iPad. He uses tv as his go-to when with our son and never suggests taking him to the park or any activities. He does sometimes play with him and that’s lovely to see but I wish he did it more often.

Everything seems to be my fault in the relationship and I now arrange all the household cleaning, organising and manage finances apart from he deals with his car and takes the bins out and will go to the shops. I feel like he is a guest in our own home and I can’t talk to him as he gets angry. I am worn out, I realise I will be at fault in areas but it surely cannot be all my doing? He doesn’t seem a very Christian husband and has changed since we married. If he was like he is now when we met I certainly would not have married him. Is there a way to save our marriage?

look this up --it might help understand where he has fallen

What Is a Narcissist? - 8 Traits of Narcissism

 

[Blade]

I really pray we would understand were only hearing one side. Both talking to someone.. .pastor ..strong friends in the faith. Praying.. trust me your GOD there is nothing He can't do. So we will be praying for both of you.. in JESUS name

 

[SeventhFisherofMen]

He gets angry with me and will raise his voice even if our son is in the room. It’s always that I’ve done or not done something. He says he will do ‘so and so’ then often doesn’t follow through.

There is always hope, I'm sure you've been praying, just keep praying and maybe come to terms with there might not be results right away. If he won't even talk to you this is a tough situation and I'm not a marriage counselor so I will stop my advice here.