W
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I could use some prayers for my marriage please! And if any of you have advice about being married to an NT-man, please feel free to share! I really appreciate it!
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- Dec 2, 2014
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I'm a single guy, so I obviously have no idea what your situation is like. But I'll try and give some tips:
1. Ask him how he's feeling. He'll obviously say something like, "Uh..." since men are supposed to be "bad with emotions" (an inaccurate stereotype), he won't be able to respond well enough for you to be able to figure out what he's feeling and thinking. But he will appreciate that you care for him, and that will guarantee that you love him even if you don't express it in a way that he would notice. He might even realize that you're not understanding him well and deliberately try and improve himself so that you can understand his feelings a bit better. Unfortunately, a stereotype with women that works to your disadvantage is that women have to be "good with emotions", so he might expect you to somehow know what he's feeling without him telling you.
2. Learn body language, non-verbal communication and facial expressions as best as you can and learn to recognize them in your husband. If he's one of those non-expressive types, then just try and observe him as best as you can (without telling him), and notice any subtle changes in how he behaves depending on his mood.
3. Get some marriage counseling when you can. You two might need a mediator for any sort of communication problem, should something come up. Learn to understand each other's points of view, and let each other express one's views of some situation that happened. Like he says something and you say something and you're both upset. Now, given the way life is for us Aspies, your husband might be able to give the excuse that it's "your fault" and not his. But if he's a good man than he'll realize that he ought to love and honor you and treat you the way he would treat himself--with love and understanding and respect. So in time he'll learn to listen to you, and you'll learn to listen to him. Just remember that marriage is a partnership.
4. Remember that you and he are one flesh. A lot of autistic people (only those on the higher-functioning end, ironically) seem to take a lot of pride in being "special". Sure, you're special, but you're not THAT special. At the end of the day, you're a human living in a sinful world, a sinner living with other sinners. You may feel like you deserve understanding and love, but it's not a right, it's a privilege. God's love for us is unconditional, and you should feel the same way for your husband as best as you can. Remember that God made all of us, and to Him, Aspie vs. NT really doesn't make a difference at all. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female...and neither Aspie nor neurotypical in Christ Jesus. What I mean by that is don't view your marriage as a challenge, or yourself as that much different from your husband. You're both one flesh now, so you have to try and function as best as you can together, regardless of any differences.
God bless!
1. Ask him how he's feeling. He'll obviously say something like, "Uh..." since men are supposed to be "bad with emotions" (an inaccurate stereotype), he won't be able to respond well enough for you to be able to figure out what he's feeling and thinking. But he will appreciate that you care for him, and that will guarantee that you love him even if you don't express it in a way that he would notice. He might even realize that you're not understanding him well and deliberately try and improve himself so that you can understand his feelings a bit better. Unfortunately, a stereotype with women that works to your disadvantage is that women have to be "good with emotions", so he might expect you to somehow know what he's feeling without him telling you.
2. Learn body language, non-verbal communication and facial expressions as best as you can and learn to recognize them in your husband. If he's one of those non-expressive types, then just try and observe him as best as you can (without telling him), and notice any subtle changes in how he behaves depending on his mood.
3. Get some marriage counseling when you can. You two might need a mediator for any sort of communication problem, should something come up. Learn to understand each other's points of view, and let each other express one's views of some situation that happened. Like he says something and you say something and you're both upset. Now, given the way life is for us Aspies, your husband might be able to give the excuse that it's "your fault" and not his. But if he's a good man than he'll realize that he ought to love and honor you and treat you the way he would treat himself--with love and understanding and respect. So in time he'll learn to listen to you, and you'll learn to listen to him. Just remember that marriage is a partnership.
4. Remember that you and he are one flesh. A lot of autistic people (only those on the higher-functioning end, ironically) seem to take a lot of pride in being "special". Sure, you're special, but you're not THAT special. At the end of the day, you're a human living in a sinful world, a sinner living with other sinners. You may feel like you deserve understanding and love, but it's not a right, it's a privilege. God's love for us is unconditional, and you should feel the same way for your husband as best as you can. Remember that God made all of us, and to Him, Aspie vs. NT really doesn't make a difference at all. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female...and neither Aspie nor neurotypical in Christ Jesus. What I mean by that is don't view your marriage as a challenge, or yourself as that much different from your husband. You're both one flesh now, so you have to try and function as best as you can together, regardless of any differences.
God bless!
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- Aug 30, 2008
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Hi I am a married man, and have experienced a lot of bumps, in my marriage. But I am starting to do a lot better.
The truth is in marriage that if YOU are strong you can hold together anything. Never try to change the other partner, just work on your own character. The way to do this is to rely upon the LORD. Spend as much time as is practical in prayer. The bible says it this way "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak, pray therefore that you don't enter into temptation". As we pray the spirit of the living God strengthens us, makes us less open to the attacks on OUR emotions.
The truth is in marriage that if YOU are strong you can hold together anything. Never try to change the other partner, just work on your own character. The way to do this is to rely upon the LORD. Spend as much time as is practical in prayer. The bible says it this way "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak, pray therefore that you don't enter into temptation". As we pray the spirit of the living God strengthens us, makes us less open to the attacks on OUR emotions.
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W
Wonderfully Made
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I wish I could give you some details. Basically, we have had problems since day 1 in marriage. Recently I received my diagnosis, and that has explained the root cause of A LOT of our problems. I thought this would help us, but things seem to be getting worse. I think my husband is depressed because he may never have the marriage he hoped for
I am seeing a professional for Biblically-based counseling. Thank you all for your advice and prayers, I really appreciate it!!
I am seeing a professional for Biblically-based counseling. Thank you all for your advice and prayers, I really appreciate it!!
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Make sure your counselor understands how Asperger's works (you will have to tell him you have it). Most marriage counseling advice would probably still apply to you two, but the Aspie's difficulty with taking notice of non-verbal communication and understanding the feelings of their partner without words needs to be factored in.
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