marriage in deep trouble, what should I do?

[savysmommy]

hi,

I am 22 years old with a daughter, 13 months old.i have made alot of mistakes in my marriage, i lied alot to my husband, to try and avoid conflict, but he always finds out, and now i feel like he hates me, our relationship has ecome verbally abusive, and boderline physically abusive, on both our sides. we were married two years ago, after ating for a very short amount of time. i was wondering if we should separate or just call it quits, i have been trying to tell the truth, and be submissive , but he seems to just keep hating me and cussing in front of my daughter. he threated to take her away from me and has told her he was sorry he choose me as her mother, I understand i've messed up and caused him pain, but i've asked forgiveness and showed change, how ever, he seems not to care. i don't know what else to do. he refuses to attend councelling, his reason, I won't listen, which is wrong, i'd be more than willing to go. Please i need help.

 

[LiberatedChick]

From experience I can say that changes can take time to show through. So you may have changed but I think people become a bit blinkered every now and then and just can't see it for a while. Keep up the changes you've made as they'll be good for you as well as your relationship even though that's not apparent at the moment. You say your husband refuses to attend counselling but have you tried sitting down with him and talking. If you have and found it didn't work try again but this time set some ground rules before. For example state that you just want to talk and if it escalates into a shouting match you'll leave the room and allow each other to calm down. IMO shouting at each other doesn't solve anything as both people are worked up and may say things they don't mean. So try to get him to have some calm chats about issues.

hi,

I am 22 years old with a daughter, 13 months old.i have made alot of mistakes in my marriage, i lied alot to my husband, to try and avoid conflict, but he always finds out, and now i feel like he hates me, our relationship has ecome verbally abusive, and boderline physically abusive, on both our sides. we were married two years ago, after ating for a very short amount of time. i was wondering if we should separate or just call it quits, i have been trying to tell the truth, and be submissive , but he seems to just keep hating me and cussing in front of my daughter. he threated to take her away from me and has told her he was sorry he choose me as her mother, I understand i've messed up and caused him pain, but i've asked forgiveness and showed change, how ever, he seems not to care. i don't know what else to do. he refuses to attend councelling, his reason, I won't listen, which is wrong, i'd be more than willing to go. Please i need help.

 

[mghalpern]

hi,

I am 22 years old with a daughter, 13 months old.i have made alot of mistakes in my marriage, i lied alot to my husband, to try and avoid conflict, but he always finds out, and now i feel like he hates me, our relationship has ecome verbally abusive, and boderline physically abusive, on both our sides. we were married two years ago, after ating for a very short amount of time. i was wondering if we should separate or just call it quits, i have been trying to tell the truth, and be submissive , but he seems to just keep hating me and cussing in front of my daughter. he threated to take her away from me and has told her he was sorry he choose me as her mother, I understand i've messed up and caused him pain, but i've asked forgiveness and showed change, how ever, he seems not to care. i don't know what else to do. he refuses to attend councelling, his reason, I won't listen, which is wrong, i'd be more than willing to go. Please i need help.

savysmommy... Welcome to CF...I'm glad you found this site and hope that you find our words of encouragement and guidence useful to your situation. If nothing else...you can rest assured that you are being prayed for by a whole heck of a lot of people who love the Lord and care about your situation. I would be interested in knowing how old your husband is. I am also interested in whether or not you are BOTH Christians...do you attend church?...have you been there for a while? If so and you feel comfortable with your pastor, I would recommend talking with your pastor. Also, you mentioned that your husband is not willing to go for counseling and said that you are more than willing to go...great...go...go yourself. I would only suggest professional Christian counseling. Counseling for one spouse can prove to be very beneficial to a marriage. When I counsel couples, I often seperated them every two or three times we meet so that we can address issues that are personal to that idividual that enters into the marriage and reaks havak. I have almost always found that an individual has just as many problems in and of themselves as the marriage does. I hope this is helpful to you and if you have any other questions or comments, please post them or PM me...Michael

 

[Southern Cross]

I second the suggestion that you go to counseling on your own. It was the best thing I could do for myself, it really helped me to understand how my wife was viewing the challenges we faced. Plus, my counselor acted as an accountability partner.

About the lying... it's so good you stopped. Make it a policy to always tell the whole truth, even if it hurts. You should never feel bad for telling the truth... it gets easier over time. Once that behavior becomes a habit, you'll find that people respect you a lot more. It takes a while, and it takes a really long time for husbands and wives to come around. You have to rebuild that trust. One thing that helps is sitting down adnd clearing up any confusion about old lies so he knows you are coming clean about everything.

One more thing - if the verbal abuse gets bad, talk to your counselor about separating. Neither of you need that, and your daughter certainly doesn't need to hear it. If there is physical abuse - real physical abuse - you need to think about getting out NOW or making him leave until you get things worked out. Again, talk to your counselor about this.

 

[isaiah5213]

do you read the scriptures daily?? i know i have been in your shoes before, God was not the center of my relationship w/this guy, (long time ago) and i was ashamed to read my bible.. is that happening here??

i recommend you pray to God, and you fast for your marriage. pray to God to expose your sins in spite of yourself, and pray to God to change your husband, and really open your husband's heart to love you more. i recommend you also pray to God that you love your husband, and really sacrifice your fear and hurt and anger to God, and respect your husband, and submit to him. study out fasting, so you can come to your own convictions about the best and right way to do it (it certainly is different for everyone)

i recommend two books...

a gentle & quiet spirit; of great worth to God by virginia lefler
the excellent wife: a biblical perspective by martha peace.

these two books are absolutely fantastic when it comes to us seeing our own personal sins, and working on those... i know that part can be hard. many times satan puts us in the mindset that if the other person would stop sinning, then it would be easier for us not to sin... and that is not true. you have to get to a space where you change not just your insides, but show a peace in your outside. where you learn not to give the look that sets your hubby over the edge, where you know to say yes sir,dear, husband, or (insert name) & not say it w/the tone that is sarcastic, bitter, angry, resentful, etc.

these are not books that encourage you to go to victim-mode. don't get me wrong here. these are books that help you to see where your sin comes in, and keep on the right road to God's throne. we women set the tone of our household sometimes. "if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" is a saying i frequently hear..

i really believe when you practice & have enough strength to practice Godly reactions and Godly responses in the most unGodliest moments & times, then God not only cannot help but pleased w/you, bless you, & answer your prayers, but he will also change your husband's heart. & if your husband's heart doesn't & won't change, you can still smile, and you can still say when the end of the day is here, "i did the best i could, and i didn't do it for my husband, i did it to please God."

sometimes, in my marriage, i get caught up in "if i do this or that or this.. then my husband will love me." and it is never enough.. i get bitter, and resentful, and outraged, because i didn't get enough praise, or enough encouragement or enough...

and really? i have to look at this relationship, like my relationship is with God. w/God, i do the same thing as w/my hubby too, sometimes. i stop. i think. God loves me. he wants what is best for me. & because of that, i want to please him. i then do what God wants me to do, and i am smiling, and i am happy, and there is the spring in my step, because i know God loves me. and i am gonna please him. and my God will protect me. and care for me, and bless me...

sometimes, it's hard for us humans to believe that other humans love us, because of their actions, and our reactions. and really?? they are loving us the best way they know how. even when others say they don't love us, it's because they honestly, as sad as we humans can be sometimes, don't know how to love in spite of all that is going on.. that is where God and Jesus being the cornerstone, and the concept unconditional love comes in. that is where our spouses need our compassion and love. & that's where God really calls us to forgive over and over and over...

in matthew 22:21-22, peter is the one who asks Jesus "how many times should i forgive my brother? 7 times?" when Jesus makes the famous response no, 70x7 times!!" ... i know most people may have noticed this but... of all disciples, it is Peter who has that question.. and to the best of our knowledge, Peter was the only one who was married! so we know how he struggled w/that!!

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Counseling can help both as a couple and individually as well.
You are both young.
Regardless of his reason(s) to not go to counseling, he could learn a lot about himself and marriage. he could also learn a lot about you as well.

 

[Johnnz]

You need to do two things.
1 Go and see your church pastor. Some pastoral intervention for your husband may help, and it will give you some support

2 If he will not go for counselling, then you must face up to leaving him. Abusive people are deeply troubled and extremely destructive for any relationship. Thay can be dangerous. Submissiveness is not the answer - it just allows him to go on getting his own way in the way he uses.

Abusive relationships for childern are also very destructive. An abusive person almost never changes without seeking really good help and working very hard. Sadly, abusive personalities are very resistant to admitting fault/need and tehrefore seldom will teh person seek help. Then, there is nothing you can do about them. Even God is limited until a person chooses to allow Him to make changes.

John
NZ

 

[jwebhead]

Unfortunately I have been in the place where you are and I did get divorced and I am re-married. I love my husband but I regret getting divorced and am now dealing with the ramifications of that. I am having the same struggles in this marriage as I did in the first and the biggest thing that I have and still am learning is communication is the key, but if there is no talking, what will 'communication' do?

You have to do your part and you sound like you have reasons for yourself to get counseling so do it. Christian counseling is the best. But if you want the marriage to survive you have to change you. You have to do what God is calling you to do. I also agree with the previous message regarding the books. The Excellent wife is just that excellent….some things may be hard to swallow in the Pro-Woman world we live in, but as Christian woman we are told that we follow and obey God. Not the world.

Also you cannot even entertain the idea that this marriage has an ‘out’ option. If you do, you will sub-consciencely sabotage it and you will end it.

Hang in there girl. Change takes time…there is no way to speed it up or slow it down. Keep up your part, no lying, no yelling, no, no, no, (you know what those no’s are for better than anyone.) Call out to the Lord and He will get you through this. big hugs