Marriage doubts

[Nola34]

My girlfriend and have been in a relationship since August 2011.
Everything is going great except the fact I feel we were rushing marriage. In about 4 months into our relationship we thought of marriage. I bought a ring to be made and she preordered a dress. I thought she was the one. Around December, we were looking at a venue. I freaked. I felt God screaming STOP. She and I talked about this and she thinks it's fear. Well we pursued our relationship without marriage discussed but off an on. I love this woman very much. But she's bugging me for the ring and I'm scared to break it off. I've been going to counseling about this and I'm still scared either to marry or break it off. I have fears that if I break up with her, I can't protect her, or provide for her. But I know this is the devil. He's even putting scary images of her getting her and I can't protect her.
Please help me. I love this woman but I want her to be happy. She's pressuring me to propose even after many discussions. Please don't judge me, help me, pray for me.

 

[mina]

I think your feelings are quite valid. If one person is pushing and pressuring their SO to marry then I think it's a sign to step back. Marriage is an important step ; so important that both partners need to be on the same page about it. I know you are scared to lose her; but I don't think it would be fair to her either to marry just to appease her when you feel the way you do. Love is patient, kind, and long suffering....if she's frantic to get the ring with no thought as to how you really feel then that's a little off to me. Honestly, I would talk with her and tell her how you feel, that you need her to be patient and let you propose in your own time and way. If she's "the one" now, then it shouldn't change a few months down the line. A good marriage comes from a place of mutual respect. If she can not respect your feelings on this before marriage and is determined to get her way; how is it going to be after marriage? Is she going to counseling as well for her pushiness towards marriage and you?

 

[LinkH]

Are you betrothed? Did you propose to her? Did you ask her father's hand in marriage? Or are you in a kind of fuzzy, unengaged state where you talk about marriage but haven't announced it, or asked for her hand, etc?

For my, my philosophy was that since betrothal was pretty much the same as marriage, I wasn't going to propose until I was sure enough and 100% committed to the marriage. In my case, when I prayed, I kept sensing the Lord urging me that this was the one. If I sensed myself being corrected over anything in this regard, it was for a lack of faith to accept that and continue.

I was concerned about not being good enough from my wife, diverting her from her life and calling, and a myriad of other things. Before meeting her, one of my biggest concerns was to find a woman who had the same values and did not believe in divorce the way my own culture, for the most part, believes in it as a solution for marital problems. Of course, I wanted a beautiful virgin who could cook Chinese food, who was full of the Spirit of God, too. It is amazing how God answered my prayers.

Back to your situation. Are you at a point to where it would be unethical to back out? Have you made promises to her? Have you refrained from taking something away from her, that belongs to her husband, that you can't give back? That's an issue, too. Have you spoken to her parents?

If you are just in a fuzzy dating, but thinking about marriage situation, and you feel like you don't have the Lord's peace about the situation, back off. I'd tell her that I don't have peace about this, and explain that I didn't sense the Lord's peace about it. I might read to her about Abeaham giving up Isaac, and ask her to spend time apart where we could both fast and pray about it. Things might clear up.

When I was deciding whether to marry the woman who would be my wife, a couple of men who were older than I was and married gave me some advice. Both were believers. One was a missionary. Basically, they would pray and make a decision, and then let God stop them if they made the wrong one. One man said he would study the word and consider whether it said anything pro or con regarding the decision he would like to make. He would pray and try to discern whether the Spirit was saying anything to him. Here is where the issue of having the peace of Christ in your heart comes into play. Do you have a sense that by pursuing this, you are opposing God? If you don't have peace about it, don't do it. If you sense that God doesn't approve, don't do it. My friend said if he needed to make a decision and did not see anything in the word against it, or sense the Lord opposing it, he would say, "If you don't want me to do this, stop me." He'd go out and start working toward making his decision happen.

Marriage is a bit different. I wanted evidence from the Lord that she was the one. I got some, but still had a bit of struggle with my faith. So I prayed, listed all my reasons for proposing, and said, if you don't want me to do it, let me know or stop me. After that, I went from being 90 something % sure, to 100% sure that I was making the right decision. I had a confidence about it. I needed it for all the obstacles we would face just getting married.

Don't let her pressure you into marrying you. If I were you, and she keeps talking about marriage, I'd say as the man, I'd like to be the pursuer in the relationship. I'd like to be the one who proposes. Would you mind laying off on the marriage talk and just wait for me on this. That's if you want to continue the relationship in the direction of marriage. If you think the Lord isn't in it, I'd advise quickly get into the separating for prayer about the relationship and fasting, and if you still think it is not from the Lord, make your decision to break it off. Pray for the Lord to prepare and comfort her heart. Then meet with her and tell her. If it's wrong, the Lord can stop you before you make the decision. He did stop Abraham after all.

 

[Nola34]

No, I have not proposed. She had however paid half for a dress and I bought a ring. But this was 5 months into my relationship. We talked about it to friends but that's it. She did more the talking. But no, her dad doesn't know, I didn't propose or ask for her hand. She has been pressuring me though after many discussions that we moved too fast. I guess I feel guilty we went this far, but we didnt quite see the reality of it all yet until recently.shes sure I'm the one, keep in mind I'm her first long term boyfriend. I'm 35, she's 28. But I feel this may all be wrong.

 

[LinkH]

Even if she is pushing you to get married, that doesn't mean this is all wrong. Rushing toward marriage doesn't make her the wrong one. If you feel like you don't have peace with the Lord over this, that would be more an issue of concern.

Once I knew my wife was the woman for me, and the issue was settled between me and the Lord, and I wanted to get married as soon as possible. There were a lot of family issues we had to work out, scheduling, getting a place for a party, etc.

When you do find the right one, if you are hard working and wise with resources and honor God in all you do, there is no need to be concerned about finances. When I got married, provision increased to match my needs. God is good that way.

IMO, at your ages, five months is a reasonably long enough time to date to know if your relationship has marriage potential, assuming you spend a lot of time together and are making a conscious effort to find out. If you aren't going to marry her, you should keep dating her on and on. Make up your mind. Pray about it. If you have reason to think the Lord doesn't approve, break it off, at least for a time to pray. If not, pray, study the word, get godly counsel, and if you believe this is pleasing to the Lord, pursue it. Talk to your family and get their advice. Each of you can meet the potential in-laws and get input. If you want to marry, ask for her father's hand, and then propose. (There is no need to do it in the opposite order if she's chasing you to marry her. Her dad may appreciate you asking him before you ask her.)

 

[K9_Trainer]

Honestly I think you need to be firm and put your foot down with her. If you have told her numerous times that you are not ready, then she is essentially bullying and nagging you. I think that's a clear sign that SHE is the one who is not yet ready to get married. Her role isn't to nag you to do things, or bully you into doing things you don't want to do, just because it's what she wants. She needs to understand your feelings right now and support you while you figure things out. And this will carry on throughout marriage. Marriage isn't about bullying or nagging to get your way or what you want.

To get married after just 5 months is, IMO, not a wise thing to do in the majority of circumstances. I think that not feeling ready is completely understandable and normal for anybody with a level head. You seem to have a good head on your shoulder and a good understanding of the seriousness of the decision to get married. It's not a light decision, you take your time and you be sure you are ready before you enter that contract with somebody.

I think one of the best things you can do right now for your relationship with her is to enroll in some sort of pre-marital or couples counseling. It should give you an opportunity to learn how to work together and make decisions together. She may learn how destructive her bullying and nagging can be and it can help you understand why you aren't ready.

 

[Stealth001]

My girlfriend and have been in a relationship since August 2011.
Everything is going great except the fact I feel we were rushing marriage. In about 4 months into our relationship we thought of marriage. I bought a ring to be made and she preordered a dress. I thought she was the one. Around December, we were looking at a venue. I freaked. I felt God screaming STOP. She and I talked about this and she thinks it's fear. Well we pursued our relationship without marriage discussed but off an on. I love this woman very much. But she's bugging me for the ring and I'm scared to break it off. I've been going to counseling about this and I'm still scared either to marry or break it off. I have fears that if I break up with her, I can't protect her, or provide for her. But I know this is the devil. He's even putting scary images of her getting her and I can't protect her.
Please help me. I love this woman but I want her to be happy. She's pressuring me to propose even after many discussions. Please don't judge me, help me, pray for me.

Don't propose under pressure to propose. I'd recomend just being a couple for a while longer, a year, maybe two.

 

[LinkH]

Btw, is she pushy about other things in the relationship? Does she have the qualities you are looking for in a wife? Is she godly, loving, not quarrelsome? Would she be submissive and respectful toward her husband? Does she fear the Lord? Does she have good Biblical values when it comes to staying married, not committing adultery, and suc things? Would she make a good mother?

At your ages, I think five months is long enough for you to really start praying seriously about whether to 'reel her in' or 'cut her loose' and find somewhere else to go.

 

[Nienna_Lady_of_Tears]

For the record, I knew my husband would be the one the day we met. We got engaged three weeks after we met. Fast timing is not always wrong.

 

[Nola34]

Hey Mina, well her counselor told her to back off about marriage. But for some reason her counselor and pastors (that are married) told her it's fear. I honestly don't know what it is but I'm trying to break fear or whatever it's holding me back. Thank you for your help. Pray that God guides me in the right directions.

 

[Nola34]

LinkH, she is those quality as it seems, I guess in my heart I'm just not ready. I feel very remorseful going this far, it felt right at first. But now it feels like the relationship is dying quick. She's saying that I'm fearful to marry but I feel in my heart that it's just not meant to be. I want to keep trying but I fear it's too late. But when I feel that, I feel remorseful she pre-ordered a dress several months ago and I bought a ring. And this all happen within about 4 months into our relationship.

 

[mina]

Hey Mina, well her counselor told her to back off about marriage. But for some reason her counselor and pastors (that are married) told her it's fear. I honestly don't know what it is but I'm trying to break fear or whatever it's holding me back. Thank you for your help. Pray that God guides me in the right directions.

Thanks for answering my question. I will pray for you. Marriage is one of those things were I think both people have to be in agreement and be WANTING to marry each other. If it's forced in any way then is it really something good? I'm married and I think that if you fear getting married then the solution isn't to marry whomever you are with at the moment. You need to get to the bottom of it and work through it; and if she loves you then she will be there and understand and not keep pressuring you. Honestly, I see a red flag in what you have described- pressuring you to marry irregardless of what you are feeling about the relationship is not very loving, especially if you have asked her to stop and she persists. I don't think length of relationship matters, but to make the descion to marry ....well it's very important that you BOTH are on the same page about it. And if you are fearful about marriage or not feeling that it's right for you both right now or even that it moved too fast; I don't think it's right or loving to keep badgering you about it or throwing "fearful" up in your face and making you feel guilty about it. Marriage involves two people working together/compromising; not just one that gets their way all the time. Love is patient......and not self serving.

 

[LinkH]

If you don't believe the Lord is in it, and she keeps pushing and pressuring you, if I were you, I'd be getting out of it. Would you be breaking any promises if you did that? Do you want her pushing you around and trying to control you throughout marriage? Do you think that will be the case? I wouldn't go for that. The New Testament keeps telling wives to be submissive to husband. Paul writes they are to be respectful to their husbands. Wives are also supposed to be diligent around the house, hard working, productive, diligent about raising children, faithful to their husbands, etc. If you are considering someone for a Christian wife who doesn't meet these qualities, you might want to back off from consideration if she doesn't meet them. And of course, you need to be the type of person who would make a good husband, too, able to love your wife like Christ loves the church, a responsible provider, etc.

As far as the dress size goes, as long as she doesn't hit the Hogendaz (sp?) too much if you break up with her, she could use it later, if the next guy doesn't mind a dress ordered for someone else-- ooh, that could be an issue, and also with the ring. You could buy them back and pawn both of them or sell them on Craigslist.

Is it one of those relationships where it can feel right when you are together and you are getting attention, but when you leave each other, you kick yourself for not breaking it off? I've kind of been there before, but not as deep in a relationship as you are apparently. If you know it isn't right, believe strongly it isn't from the Lord, then end it quickly. Certainly don't keep up with lovey dovey talk or kissing and holding hands, which makes it more difficult to break up.

She may sense you aren't whole-heartedly committed, and she may be responding by pressuring you to marry.

You can also pray for her heart about it, and ask the Lord to take away feelings for you that aren't appropriate and things like that.

 

[peckaboo]

I wouldn't let the fact that she's bought half a dress and you've bought a ring tie you into a marriage you don't believe is right. My parents always told me that - until you're actually married - it's never too late to change your mind. Even if all the invitations have been sent out, even if it's the morning of the wedding, even if you're halfway up the aisle, if you believe that God's telling you to stop, then stop.
When my Grandma was getting married, she went to her parents the night before the wedding and told them she thought she was making a mistake, that it wasn't right for her to marry Grandpa, and they told her, "it's too late - people have come from miles away for your wedding; you're just going to have to make the best of it." But she was right, there were things intrinsically wrong in that partnership that couldn't be changed, the marriage didn't last. So the subsequent generations were always taught that it's far, far better to have the embarrassment and trauma of a broken engagement or courtship than a broken marriage.
That's just my two cents!

 

[Nola34]

Well I think our discussion made thingsworst. She called me yesterday to urge me to move. I live near family, and my sister lives next door. She thinks I will not grow because of that. I've told her that I've done a lot of things in life. I'm in shape, I'm well travelled, I'm the only seriously devoted Christian in my family. I did a lot without my family and she fears I live in their shadow. She said that if I don't move, I may lose her. My million dollar view is seeing my little niece (first and only) wave to me at her window with a smile. Is this a problem I'm not seeing? Or is she right? She feels I need to be more independent. Keep in mind she lost her mother when she was 19, she's not close at all with her siblings or father. They just sort of moved on with their own lives. And lives near two of her cousins. I'm not trying to make her look bad, but she keeps pointing out that I have a lot of problems.

 

[LinkH]

If you want to break up over this, and she says if you don't move, you will lose her, you could always say, "Well, I'm sorry you want to break it off with me. I was thinking this might not work out anyway..." Okay, maybe that's a bit tacky.

I don't know the best way to break off a relationship that has gone as far as yours has. I don't think there is a good way. But if you've prayed through on it and you really know you are going to break it off, do it sooner rather than later. She's 28 and you are taking up time, energy, emotional attachment etc. that should be used with whoever is going to be her husband if it isn't you.

I'm not of the mindset that it's not too late until right up to the wedding. In the Old Testament, the covenant was made before the wedding, and divorce was required if someone wanted to terminate a bethrothal. The man threw a party and took the woman to be his wife after some period of time. The way I approached it was not to propose or make any promises until I was 100% committed. She was committed to it, too. Both of us knowing it was the will of God, having gotten direction from the Lord on it, of course strengthened our resolve. Certain by the time I got her father's approval, I didn't consider it something to be canceled. If I had it to do over, I think I'd have a specific conversation with my then-future wife, about betrothals being so serious in the Old Testament before engagement, instead of caring so much about surprising her that I limited talk about marriage beforehand. I think it's more important to be on the same page and talk about it more than to have a surprise moment to propose. We did talk about marriage before I proposed. They don't have a tradition of a big proposal in her country. The couple talks about it, and eventually arrange a meeting with their parents to discuss and potentially agree on the wedding. A lot of adults in their late 20's won't go forward if the parents' answer is no, or they will keep up the conversation with mom and dad to get approval. I think by the time the families meet to discuss it, they are open to the idea if they accept that meeting.

 

[mina]

Well I think our discussion made thingsworst. She called me yesterday to urge me to move. I live near family, and my sister lives next door. She thinks I will not grow because of that. I've told her that I've done a lot of things in life. I'm in shape, I'm well travelled, I'm the only seriously devoted Christian in my family. I did a lot without my family and she fears I live in their shadow. She said that if I don't move, I may lose her. My million dollar view is seeing my little niece (first and only) wave to me at her window with a smile. Is this a problem I'm not seeing? Or is she right? She feels I need to be more independent. Keep in mind she lost her mother when she was 19, she's not close at all with her siblings or father. They just sort of moved on with their own lives. And lives near two of her cousins. I'm not trying to make her look bad, but she keeps pointing out that I have a lot of problems.

I'm sorry but she sounds really controlling and pushy. If she can not accept you how you are then she doesn't need to be with you and certainly not marry you. If she's concerned that you have all these problems that need fixing then why is she pushing for marriage? It doesn't work to marry someone that you are not happy with and try to change them.... As for breaking it off with her; you should tell her the truth. Sometimes people need to know what they are doing wrong in relationships so they can start doing the right things in the future.

 

[Mayzoo]

Well I think our discussion made thingsworst. She called me yesterday to urge me to move. I live near family, and my sister lives next door. She thinks I will not grow because of that. I've told her that I've done a lot of things in life. I'm in shape, I'm well travelled, I'm the only seriously devoted Christian in my family. I did a lot without my family and she fears I live in their shadow. She said that if I don't move, I may lose her. My million dollar view is seeing my little niece (first and only) wave to me at her window with a smile. Is this a problem I'm not seeing? Or is she right? She feels I need to be more independent. Keep in mind she lost her mother when she was 19, she's not close at all with her siblings or father. They just sort of moved on with their own lives. And lives near two of her cousins. I'm not trying to make her look bad, but she keeps pointing out that I have a lot of problems.

She should not enter marriage expecting that she can make you who she wants you to be. It appears she is discontent with many fairly major facets of your life or choices now. If you are happy with these aspects and she is not, then trouble is brewing.

If you do not fit the expectations of the person she wants to be with, she really needs to find someone who more closely fits her expectations rather than try to mold you into what she wants. Trying to change you will only make you both unhappy.

 

[MB91]

Run, dude. RUN!!!

 

[BoarderDave]

I'm sorry but she sounds really controlling and pushy. If she can not accept you how you are then she doesn't need to be with you and certainly not marry you. If she's concerned that you have all these problems that need fixing then why is she pushing for marriage? It doesn't work to marry someone that you are not happy with and try to change them.... As for breaking it off with her; you should tell her the truth. Sometimes people need to know what they are doing wrong in relationships so they can start doing the right things in the future.

I have to agree with Mina here... You don't necessarily need to tell her its over, but you need to have a talk with her about her simply trying to change you and fix you. Marriage is something you enter into with a person of whom God has created to compliment your character. Not verbal compliment.. but compliment in the sense that they work with and mesh well with who you are. You two fit together and can be useful in building the kingdom of God.
It sounds to me that you are hesitating because she is pushing for molding you to someone you dont feel you should be. This needs to be addressed before rings are worn. Hoping the best for you my friend.