Marriage dependency

[PegMonkey]

Can anyone tell me what is codependent behavior and 'becoming one' should look like. What is healthy and Godly dependence and what is toxic? By the way I have BPD.
My husband has gone away for six months. And now I realize how dependent i was on him. I was like a child. Im scared that when he comes home I will revert back to the way we were. I would be nice going back into the relationship if I knew which attachments were unhealthy. For example, if my husband think im stressed he will give me an hour long backrub,sometimes 3 days a week, and bring me breakfast in bed 3 days a week. (we have 2 small kids, so hed let me sleep in and then bring breakfast to me.) Anyways, he'd soothe me in everyway, and physically take care of me. If he noticed I didnt eat , he'd make me something, and force me to eat it. He was very accomadating. He began checking in with me when he was out with his friends, so that I wouldnt be an emotional wreck when he got home. If i cut my finger he'd run and get a bandaid and put it on me. Okay so my question is , what are gestures of love and what is enabling? how much should i allow him to do or not do.
Especially if I depressed I find it overwealming to do the daily tasks. And when I turn down a back rub I feel like a part of me died. anytime I try to break away for independence I feel like I am dieing and that the love for me is disappearing.

 

[madison1101]

Can anyone tell me what is codependent behavior and 'becoming one' should look like. What is healthy and Godly dependence and what is toxic? By the way I have BPD.
My husband has gone away for six months. And now I realize how dependent i was on him. I was like a child. Im scared that when he comes home I will revert back to the way we were. I would be nice going back into the relationship if I knew which attachments were unhealthy. For example, if my husband think im stressed he will give me an hour long backrub,sometimes 3 days a week, and bring me breakfast in bed 3 days a week. (we have 2 small kids, so hed let me sleep in and then bring breakfast to me.) Anyways, he'd soothe me in everyway, and physically take care of me. If he noticed I didnt eat , he'd make me something, and force me to eat it. He was very accomadating. He began checking in with me when he was out with his friends, so that I wouldnt be an emotional wreck when he got home. If i cut my finger he'd run and get a bandaid and put it on me. Okay so my question is , what are gestures of love and what is enabling? how much should i allow him to do or not do.
Especially if I depressed I find it overwealming to do the daily tasks. And when I turn down a back rub I feel like a part of me died. anytime I try to break away for independence I feel like I am dieing and that the love for me is disappearing.

Why is your husband away?

The best way to learn about codependcy is to read some of Melodie Beattie's books, like "Codpendent No More."

Trish

 

[WalrusGumBoot]

Okay so my question is , what are gestures of love and what is enabling?

PegMonkey,

I am married to a woman with BPD for a long time (23 years), so maybe I can add something to this topic

How you describe it sounds like how a parent takes care of a child or how one spouse might take care of a disabled spouse. He has taken on a caretaker role and he might not like it as much as you think he does. What started out as spontaneous gestures of love might now be viewed as a chore.

I think most couple marry to gain a partner in life. You know.. 50/50. Each partner wants to show love to the other, but each also have needs. When the whole give/take ratio becomes grossly skewed so that one becomes the primary giver and the other becomes the taker, it is the breeding ground for resentment and the disillusionment of marriage in general.

I find myself going above and beyond what would be considered normal gestures of love with my wife to the point where she expects them and would become angry if I stopped. It is now enabling because I had not expressed what my needs were and being proactive to getting them met.

Have you told your husband how much you appreciate him and what he does for you? Often? What do you do for him and do so regularly?

Here is what I suggest. Reverse the roles. Get your own band-aid next time, but when he cuts his finger, go run get him one. Make him breakfast in bed several times a week. Give him back rubs. It will be weird at first, both for you and for him, but it would equalize the marriage. You will begin to feel the joys of serving your spouse, and he will start feeling an increasing love and appreciation of you.

 

[Joanne P]

Here is what I suggest. Reverse the roles. Get your own band-aid next time, but when he cuts his finger, go run get him one. Make him breakfast in bed several times a week. Give him back rubs. It will be weird at first, both for you and for him, but it would equalize the marriage. You will begin to feel the joys of serving your spouse, and he will start feeling an increasing love and appreciation of you.

I love this idea. Thanks for sharing this.

 

[PegMonkey]

PegMonkey,

Here is what I suggest. Reverse the roles. Get your own band-aid next time, but when he cuts his finger, go run get him one. Make him breakfast in bed several times a week. Give him back rubs. It will be weird at first, both for you and for him, but it would equalize the marriage. You will begin to feel the joys of serving your spouse, and he will start feeling an increasing love and appreciation of you.

Before my husband left he got depression and was pretty much catatonic, all he could say was 'i dont know', to every question. So then the roles were reversed, I made breakfast, got up with the kids in the morning, made meals, And i just ended up despising him , and resenting him. When he stopped doing those things for me, he stopped loving me. (in my view) Also ive given him backrubs, and he stops me halfway because i have little weak hands and my backrubs suck. No I dont feel joy in serving him, I feel a burden. But he does apprieciate the little that I do. praises me all the time. (and he was only cooking and looking after the kids etc. because he was home 24/7 due to his depression, its not like this was on top of a job) I find that I can only give of myself for about three days straight, and if i dont get anything in return I get angry, resentful, and feel ripped off. I dont know how to love without ecpectations, or unconditionally. I honestly try, and the out of no where my heart just goes dark. I discovered this because on the 3rd day we always faught about how he didn't meet my needs and wasn't there enough for me.

 

[PegMonkey]

Why is your husband away?

The best way to learn about codependcy is to read some of Melodie Beattie's books, like "Codpendent No More."

Trish

I found this book the other day at Value Village, I plan to read it soon. Thanks.

 

[WalrusGumBoot]

When he stopped doing those things for me, he stopped loving me. (in my view)

Have you wondered why he became so depressed? Could it be for those reasons I had stated before? I am only speculating, but I do have some experience because I used to be such a positive person before... not ever feeling down for longer than maybe a day... but now I struggle with bouts of depression because I know that things might not ever change in my marriage.

He stopped doing things for you because of his condition.

No I dont feel joy in serving him, I feel a burden.

I am really sorry that you cannot feel this joy. Having a servant's heart is one of the greatest blessings that a person can ever have.

Since your husband is away, I am assuming that you have your hands full with your small children. They cannot do anything for themselves, so how do you keep from feeling burdened by them?

I find that I can only give of myself for about three days straight, and if i dont get anything in return I get angry, resentful, and feel ripped off. I dont know how to love without ecpectations, or unconditionally. I honestly try, and the out of no where my heart just goes dark. I discovered this because on the 3rd day we always faught about how he didn't meet my needs and wasn't there enough for me.

It's very interesting that you found that three days was your limit because I have known it for a very long time that three days was my wife's limit as well. My wife had joked to others that she will know that I am really sick if I stay in bed all day. She says this because no matter how ill I am, I get up to go to work (I work out of the house so I don't have to worry about getting office-mates sick). The real reason I get up no matter what is because I do not want her to have to wait on me because she acts so put out.

There are times when an illness would prevent me from doing normal chores around the house and she would have to. I know now when she asks "How are you feeling?" it is not because of compassion, but wondering how long it will be before I can resume my chores. If I ever became disabled, God forbid, I would divorce her. "For better or for worse" would only work one way and would not want to become a burden to her that I know I would be in that case.

So, have you pursued therapy? I don't think you are going to accomplish your goal of independence on your own.

WG

 

[PegMonkey]

Have you wondered why he became so depressed? Could it be for those reasons I had stated before? I am only speculating, but I do have some experience because I used to be such a positive person before... not ever feeling down for longer than maybe a day... but now I struggle with bouts of depression because I know that things might not ever change in my marriage.

He stopped doing things for you because of his condition.



I am really sorry that you cannot feel this joy. Having a servant's heart is one of the greatest blessings that a person can ever have.

Since your husband is away, I am assuming that you have your hands full with your small children. They cannot do anything for themselves, so how do you keep from feeling burdened by them?



It's very interesting that you found that three days was your limit because I have known it for a very long time that three days was my wife's limit as well. My wife had joked to others that she will know that I am really sick if I stay in bed all day. She says this because no matter how ill I am, I get up to go to work (I work out of the house so I don't have to worry about getting office-mates sick). The real reason I get up no matter what is because I do not want her to have to wait on me because she acts so put out.

There are times when an illness would prevent me from doing normal chores around the house and she would have to. I know now when she asks "How are you feeling?" it is not because of compassion, but wondering how long it will be before I can resume my chores. If I ever became disabled, God forbid, I would divorce her. "For better or for worse" would only work one way and would not want to become a burden to her that I know I would be in that case.

So, have you pursued therapy? I don't think you are going to accomplish your goal of independence on your own.

WG

He got depressed because his world came crashing down because of an addiction, the depth and severity of it came to light. There was alot of stress and fighting. He had been lieing and decieving me for our whole marriage. so he had to leave his schooling because of the stress.And he was an honors student in university.he was driven to suceed. So this depression was of his own doing. and the addiction existed long before he was married. so its not like a contributed to him getting an addiction.

also he was MADLY in love with me. He wasn't sad at all. our dyfunction wasn't all one sided. he had toxic ways of treating me as well.
It was a very passionate and firey relationship. When we first got married it was pretty intense, but the i toned down. ive done married counseling and went to seminars. So i learned how to communicate better, and how to respect him, and how to love him. MY husband wasn't abused at the point. Ive never told him to "shut up" . and i never character assasinated him. It wasn't until the truth came out about what was going on behind my back, and all the truama that came with that, that my BPD flared up. I never really had major symptoms until this. I had rages, ....etc.
Anyways up until that point, things weren't THAT bad. there were isolated events, but not all the time. so his depression was because he was living a double life. and then all of a sudden everything came to the surface and it was too much for him to cope with.

It makes me angry to think that others might think just cause i have BPD that im volatile.
I dont consider myself volatile , i prefer passionate. There was a season where i was volatile, but that was not the real me. I was pushed to the limit.

 

[If Not For Grace]

Borderline Personality Disorder

Fundamentals of abnormal psychology By Ronald J. Comer

"People with borderline personality disorder often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships with people who do not necessarily share their feelings (Modestin & Villiger, 1989). They often violate the boundaries of relationships (Skodol et a!., 2002) and may become furious when their expectations are not met; yet they remain very attached to the relationships, paralyzed by a fear of being left alone (Bender et al., 2001). Sometimes they cut themselves or carry out other self-destructive acts to prevent partners from leaving."

That havng been said I have often found that BPD's generall seek out the co-dependant and vice versa.

INTENSE is the word I would use, some of the behaviors may be learned and thus can be unlearned, but it seems to take great effort. The word disorder is an amble description that causes us to focus "changing" behaviors on the patient rather than family members, but often we need to realize that Mental Illness runs in families the same as other diseases do.

Untreated all illnesses/addictions progress.

Treatment is Key.

 

[kevinwh]

This is a really good question.

Being too clingy where it's toxic, comes down to F.E.A.R. Mr FEAR or what I like to call False Expectations that Appear Real, can rob someone of their life, ambitions and energy.

People with this disorder could have a pessimistic outlook that plays into their fears and do everything they can to avoid harm. They don't take chances and cling to something that is unhealthy.

If your husband wants to give you a backrub and you want one, saying NO is unhealthy.

If your husband wants some space to himself and you can't give it to him, then that is not healthy.

At least this is my thoughts on it. Hope this helps.