Marriage/Dating help books

[Starpuppy]

My friend passed me a book which was a Dating help book e.g: Woman are from Venus ,Man are from Mars.

I used to felt those books might be good (i never read it actually) but now i think the only way to learn is to actually go through it yourself, i mean would a book solve your problem or would talking to your other half work better

Views please

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

My husband and I both actually read that book when we were dating and found it quite helpful. Sure it has stereotypes, but it has a lot of good truth that one doesnt always see easily about understanding and relating to the opposite sex. It was actually my second time reading the book as I also read it when I was 11, took it off my mom's bookshelf, lol, but it held a lot more relevance to me the second time around

 

[JaneFW]

I have never read that book, and I don't want to, simply because men and women are not aliens, and to pretend that they are so different as to come from different planets seems to be divisive, and I have no time for any division between my spouse and I, other than what already exists.

 

[Niffer]

I wouldn't discount marriage/dating books.
True, some are better than others - but sometimes you get a really good book that's relevant and has a wise author.
We all need to learn from personal expierence, but I do think I would have made less mistakes if I had read some books early in my marriage, and knew what pit-falls newly-marrieds are likely to fall into.

- Niffer

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

I have never read that book, and I don't want to, simply because men and women are not aliens, and to pretend that they are so different as to come from different planets seems to be divisive, and I have no time for any division between my spouse and I, other than what already exists.

That's not what the book is about at all and its not about causing division, quite the opposite actually. The planet thing is just a way of describing the different ways in which men and women are designed, and in learning to understand some of these things better helps you to relate to the way the opposite sex understands and thinks. We thought it would just be a bunch of stereotypes we didnt fit yet we actually found ourselves relating to a lot of the thoughts and mindsets it discussed. Men and women are different and no matter how smart or relationally skilled you may believe yourself to be, there will always be the natural inclination to relate to and show love to the opposite sex in the ways you appreciate yourself. I don't think its always that natural to operate out of a mindset that is not your own.

Anyways, it can only make you stronger to seek out better communication and relation skills with your partner. That's what that book is about. Not about causing division.

 

[Conservativation]

That's not what the book is about at all and its not about causing division, quite the opposite actually. The planet thing is just a way of describing the different ways in which men and women are designed, and in learning to understand some of these things better helps you to relate better to the way the opposite sex understands and thinks. We thought it would just be a bunch of stereotypes we didnt fit yet we actually found ourselves relating to a lot of the thoughts and mindsets it discussed. Men and women are different and no matter how smart or relationally skilled you may believe yourself to be, there will always be the natural inclination to relate to and show love to the opposite sex in the ways you appreciate yourself. I don't think its always that natural to operate out of a mindset that is not your own.

Anyways, it can only make you stronger to seek out better communication and relation skills with your partner. That's what that book is about. Not about causing division.

How refreshing.....I'm encouraged to see this honest opinion. Ive never read the book but I was pretty sure it was intended to help bring together folks, not divide them, and I was really sure it had nothing to do with extraterrestrials

 

[McScribe]

Gender differences do exist. How they exist and to what extent is subject to a lot of study.

Anyway, the boon is helpful if you don't interpret it too literally. What it is really after is trying to get people out of the box and seeing their spouse with less animosity. One thing that can make communication difficult for example is that generally men and women have different experiences on a gender basis growing up. This will exist to different degrees with different people. A part of that difference can lead to different approaches to communication. Being aware of this can help people to overcome it.

And as I said, keep an open mind. My ex for example rarely wanted to talk when she was upset, because she had learned that it didn't do her any good at a young age. It didn't mean that other things didn't apply.

In general books can give you a guideline, take them with a grain of salt but consider them and explore them.

 

[chaz345]

My friend passed me a book which was a Dating help book e.g: Woman are from Venus ,Man are from Mars.

I used to felt those books might be good (i never read it actually) but now i think the only way to learn is to actually go through it yourself, i mean would a book solve your problem or would talking to your other half work better

Views please

As a STARTING POINT, the generalizations in that and other books can be helpful but each and every individual relationship/marriage is going to have specifics that differ from the general norms. So no a book will not solve your problems by itself. But it can provide some useful starting points. "hey honey, we seem to be having an issue with x and I just read here where it says that that MAY be caused by men being like this and women being like that. For myself I can see where I'm like this, do you feel like you can be liek the book describes too?" Anyone who would suggest taking such a book and forcing your marriage to fit it would be an idiot. But using it as a starting point to discover the specifics in your own marriage is a) possibly very helpful and b) probably what the authors intend in the first place.

 

[JaneFW]

But that book has no discernible Christian input, you have to note that. None whatsoever. If you are a Christian, looking for Christian advice, you will not find it in secular relationship books. And I still maintain that men and women are not that far apart.

 

[Avniel]

I think that the greatest book on relationships was the bible any other book runs the risk of being flawed.

 

[chaz345]

But that book has no discernible Christian input, you have to note that. None whatsoever. If you are a Christian, looking for Christian advice, you will not find it in secular relationship books. And I still maintain that men and women are not that far apart.

Ok so what about His Needs Her Needs, by Harley. A christian based book by any standard and he describes differences between men and women at least as great as Grey does.

 

[JaneFW]

Ok so what about His Needs Her Needs, by Harley. A christian based book by any standard and he describes differences between men and women at least as great as Grey does.

I don't have any ax to grind, I'm merely mentioning that the book cited is not written from a Christian perspective.

 

[chaz345]

I don't have any ax to grind, I'm merely mentioning that the book cited is not written from a Christian perspective.

Well actually you said more than that though. You do seem to have an ax to grind against the idea that in some ways men and women are fundamentally different. If the differences are framed in such a way that implies the superiority of one over the other though I honestly can't figure out what the objection is, as long as, like I gave an example of in my first post in this thread, the differences/generalities are used as a starting point.

 

[illudium_phosdex]

I like Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus, personally. It was actually the catalyst that led me to go from self absorbed jerk mostly to loving wife mostly. I wish I'd picked up a year earlier than what I did. It's still my favorite book on marriage. I like it better than any Christian books I've read so far on the subject.

 

[JaneFW]

Well actually you said more than that though. You do seem to have an ax to grind against the idea that in some ways men and women are fundamentally different. If the differences are framed in such a way that implies the superiority of one over the other though I honestly can't figure out what the objection is, as long as, like I gave an example of in my first post in this thread, the differences/generalities are used as a starting point.

I don't like pop pyschology, and it's a concern that people may read these books, and think that they have to fit the mold dictated for their gender. I don't like gender stereotypes either. I'm not going to go on about this, it's just my opinion.

 

[chaz345]

I like Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus, personally. It was actually the catalyst that led me to go from self absorbed jerk mostly to loving wife mostly. I wish I'd picked up a year earlier than what I did. It's still my favorite book on marriage. I like it better than any Christian books I've read so far on the subject.

There are a great many non-Christian marriage help books that have plenty of good information in them. Believe it or not there was a time when Christian thinking and ideals shaped the thinking of most everyone and there's still a lot of that left over. Certainly a Christian reading a book not written from a Christian perspective need to be careful to look at things a little more closely and make sure that what's being said isn't counter to God's ways, but the fact that something comes from a secular perspective doesn't, in and of itself, mean its useless.

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

I like Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus, personally. It was actually the catalyst that led me to go from self absorbed jerk mostly to loving wife mostly. I wish I'd picked up a year earlier than what I did. It's still my favorite book on marriage. I like it better than any Christian books I've read so far on the subject.

I agree. It is one of the best. I've read a lot of christian ones too, and this one really gets down to business. You can still apply the principles in way that honors God. Normally I would say go for the christian books, but in this case this one is really good and regardless of being written by a christian author or not.

 

[chaz345]

I don't like pop pyschology, and it's a concern that people may read these books, and think that they have to fit the mold dictated for their gender. I don't like gender stereotypes either. I'm not going to go on about this, it's just my opinion.

Anyone who reads such a book an feels that they must conform to the generality is probably not reading the whole book though since many if not most specifically explain that they are working from generalities and that any given individual may or may not be that way.

Here's the thing. Given the fact that like or defend generalities as strongly as I do, you'd probably expect that my wife and I fit them more than not. Actually the opposite is true. Based on a lot of the generalities, I'm a woman and she's man. And for some strange reason, neither of us has a problem with that. So what I'm getting at is that in my experience and observations, your concern that people will read and feel pressure to conform to the generalities is largely unfounded.

 

[Niffer]

A book I always recommend is:

Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman

Great book!

 

[iambren]

The book is really not to bad as pop psychology goes as long as you keep that in mind. It's not canon, there are those who fall outside the trend, but overall some truth there to be gained.

Have also read His Needs,Her Needs which was good too. BTW, a book does not have to be Christian for me to learn from it. The extrabiblical book that has blessed my life the most was not a Christian when it was written---The Road Less Traveled by Peck.