Marriage after divorce??

[bluedragonfly73]

My question is how long is apporiate time to wait to get married after your divorce. I am dating someone and he wants to get married, but I'm not sure if there is apporiate time to wait. Or if it matters. Some have waited a year, six months and some longer...Advice please

 

[Singin4Him]

Well there are other factors that might contribute to that. Whether you have any children is a big one and why the divorce was decided is a pretty big one as well.

IMO if you do not have children I think you should most certainly give it AT LEAST 2 or 3 years if not longer. If you jump right into another relationship right after splitting up your marriage even if it was over a long time before the divorce it might just be this person is a rebound. Don't make decisions based on emotions, make sure you're in a ration state when you decide something so huge. If you couldn't make your first marriage work, what makes this relationship different?

 

[Johnnz]

More important than time is what is done to work through the issues of why the first marriage did not work. Divorced people need to identify any personal contributions/ reasons for the divorce, ensure they have worked through the many issues of a broken marriage, and have in place well established new patterns for any nw marriage. Hurt takes time to heal, and that must be allowed to happen. A good deal of support and counsel is really important.

Some people attend marriage recovery courses. Good ones are extremely helpful. Many peopel invloved in divorce and remarriage counsel a five year period before another marriage. That may sound like along time, but there are issues to work through over a period. The high incidence of broken second/theird marriages testify to the fact that, in many cases the old causes remain.

John
NZ

 

[Sensisim]

I totally agree with all of John's points, and can only add to them.
It does worry me when I hear people say that they "want to get married" or the like. Often these people aren't even dating anyone, they just like the idea of getting married, then when they do meet someone, then the draw of the idea of marriage is often stronger than the feelings to that other person.
Marriage is about another person, not an institution, although marriage is a gift from god, and so is the other person and indeed everyone we meet on this planet.
Consequently there can be no set time, other than the time needed to "check" if you like if the other person is appropriate for you, and indeed if you are ready for marriage, and everything that that entails. What are your values, core beliefs, spiritual and otherwise, desires, wishes, what are those of the other persons, and do they match, and if not does that matter and can there be compromise. Then there may need to be time for this to settle and proof or evidence to be obtained to backup any feelings.
As for "love", that is obviously important, and can happen at any time and grow at any pace throughout this process to a point you think is totality. This is not semantics, but notice the difference between "love" and being "in love", I love God, but I don't want to marry him (or her).
I have been married and divorced and can relate to the importance of what John has said above, and did a lot of self examination after I got divorced, including writing down on paper the answer to a number of questions, such as "what is love" (for me), what would it take for me to be "in love", and "how would I know", there was overlap in the answers.
Still, even after taking counsel, through prayer and talking to people, you will make the right decision at the right time for you and your new spouse.

Simon
UK

 

[mostie]

I think it's a matter of how much time it's taken you to heal after your divorce....ive seen so many friends divorce and eventually remarry, and the one strange thing ive noticed is that for men, the majority (of the ones I know) seem to go 5 years, then remarry...maybe in their situations, that's the time it took for them to heal and feel they could move on to a new relationship....My significant other was divorced for 14 years before he and I got together (he was involved with someone for a few months prior, though...)....although he was raising his boys at the time, and felt he needed to devote his time solely to them (what an awesome guy he is, lol)....so I think it's a matter of when you're healed enough to be able to move on in another relationship....as for the 'proper time' or 'acceptable timeframe'.....I think that it should be your timeframe, and not someone elses, or what society considers 'acceptable'~~

 

[bluedragonfly73]

Well I want to thankyou for your imput and would love more imput. Especially from the men. You see both me and him have been divorced but he has been divorced alot longer than I have.. I really care about him alot and could see myself marrying him. BUT I'm just not ready yet I told him I may not be ready for another year or even longer. He just dosent seem to understand that if I care about him why don't we just get married. I keep trying to tell him I have to get over what happened in my marriage that he has had time to get over his but I haven't had time to completly get over mine. We both have kids and they would love to see us get married but I just can't until I'm ready. Is it wrong to stay dating him if I feel this way? I've never lied to him about how I feel and my intentions he's always known from the very begining I told him I may never want to get married or not for along while...

Tammy

 

[Singin4Him]

I have to say when man pressures a woman into something she is not ready for that is always a red flag to me. You should be telling him, if he truly loves and cares for you he would be willing to wait as long as it takes for you. Didn't he learn anything from his previous marriage? Why would he want to rush into marriage with someone else who has been divorced who is not ready yet? That is just asking for another marriage with problems if you ask me. Especially with children, you should both be putting them first and worry about how the relationship will effect them more than the two of you. I don't mean to be harsh, but I just don't see why he feels the need to pressure you when you're not ready.

Please be very cautious, if he continues to pressure you when you continue to tell him you're not ready I would take a step back from the relationship and re-think things a bit.

 

[Sensisim]

You're right to be cautious Tammy, and you sound very honest and open too. Marriage is such a big step, it's so important to get it right, as as we both know it's such a mega disappointment when it doesn't work and divorce is so painful. You don't say why your partner wants to get married from his point of view, what does he think he will get out of it that he can't get or feel now. Does he have some sort of insecurities that he could share with you that you both address. Is there an age thing going on here, is he looking for God's approval / blessing on your relationship. It does sound as though if he really loves you, he should be totally repectful for your wishes, as true love is wanting your SO to have whatever they so desires, in every way, spiritually, emotional, materialistically, physically, etc.

Simon, UK

 

[Sketcher]

I don't see where the Bible smiles on remarraige after divorce at all. If both of you were cheated on then you MIGHT have a loophole, but Jesus said it Himself:

"But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery." - Matthew 5:32

"Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery." - Luke 16:18

Paul echoes this:

" To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife." - 1 Corinthians 7:10-11

It is not me that you'll have to answer to if you go through with this, but you will have to answer to God. His will is written down, and that's all I can say.