Marriage advice...

[wtrailer]

I really need some advice as to whether or not I should stay in my marriage. I never, ever once considered divorce but it is now becoming something I may need to pursue for my own mental and physical health.
A little back story, we've been married 20 years, married very young had kids that are now mid to late teens. The first 10 years were hard but the kids and the family structure made it very comforting. Everything we did centered around our family. The next 10 years we became roommates.
For the last 2 to 3 years I have been desperately trying to fix that. It has become an obsession. It's like something clicked in me that I all of a sudden wanted a companion in my wife. The explosion of emotions made me come off like a bull in a China shop and seemed to at times do more damage than good.
We have sought out Christian counseling. I have prayed and fasted. And at the end of the day I really just don't think my wife cares much for me. Our personalities just seem to clash and I just feel this constant emptiness and anxiety in my chest 24/7. I really don't know what to do. I feel completely unneeded as a husband and the reality is I probably am.
Wt

 

[Ken Behrens]

A Christian cannot leave (so I Cor. says). But has your wife left you? That is the question to ask. You say "I have been trying to fix that", not "we have been trying to fix that". I wonder if she feels the same about you.

We do not realize in our society that children are not miniature adults, but are incomplete adults. So we don't really have the terminology to discuss the fact that we keep maturing until almost age 50, by adding more abilities and thus more interests to our lives. When you get married young, you start becoming different people after you are married. As a college teacher, I know that new parts of the brain kick in throughout the 20's, 30's and even 40's that make you see parts of life differently. You get new goals and ideas. I can't tell you how many of my students "cannot do math" yet do well in my class, simply because their 15 yr. old high-school brain is now 30, and has become more than it was, gaining math abilities on the way. Unless the couple is committed to sharing each day every new thing (and this can be very hard to do when we don't even know what's happening inside us), this kind of growing apart happens. Add the trials and demands of raising a family, and many couples reach their 40's or 50's thinking they have nothing more in common, without ever having compared notes on who they are today.

Do I have a solution? No. But if you have not realized this has happened to the two of you, realize it now. You can start over and become best friends again (the companion you want), if you both choose to. God's grace is big enough to cover this; in fact, He had it planned, and has a great future for the two of you together, as the new people you have become, and don't yet know who that is. But you must both choose it. It will not work if only one chooses it. And you must agree to help each other walk the journey of new discovery, that, sadly, most people in the western world don't even know exists.

 

[wtrailer]

I agree with you and we kind of are choosing to stay together but staying together and being in a relationship is really two different things. The hardest part for me is remembering the past, wanting to go back with what I know now and relive it, and knowing that it can never happen. It's incredibly lonely. I feel I need to break out in a way, at least emotionally. I am literally in physical pain over this every single day.
Wt

 

[Ken Behrens]

It is better with a friend. She is probably going through the same thing, and could use you also. She is not the same person she was years ago either.

 

[wtrailer]

So I guess the question would be how do we become friends after so many years of not being?
Wt

 

[Kit Sigmon]

I really need some advice as to whether or not I should stay in my marriage. I never, ever once considered divorce but it is now becoming something I may need to pursue for my own mental and physical health.
wtrailer: Separation is something you can consider, but separation is for cooling off, working on what be wrong in the relation, making repairs etc...it's not the time for getting yourself another love.
When you recognize the need for getting help, don't hesitate, get counseling and find a safe place where you can live in peace, not in strife.

A little back story, we've been married 20 years, married very young had kids that are now mid to late teens. The first 10 years were hard but the kids and the family structure made it very comforting. Everything we did centered around our family. The next 10 years we became roommates.
wtrailer: I've seen this happen to a LOT of married christian people, they centered everything around family instead of God... I got a reminder of this last Sunday when another thirty something wife with 4 children announced she and her husband had separated. We know them, their life was family, work, God. See, the Lord is to be in first position...he is Lord, not Last.

For the last 2 to 3 years I have been desperately trying to fix that. It has become an obsession. It's like something clicked in me that I all of a sudden wanted a companion in my wife. The explosion of emotions made me come off like a bull in a China shop and seemed to at times do more damage than good.
wtrailer: You can't fix it by yourself...there's 3 persons in the marriage covenant, God, the husband and the wife...both of you have to be on the same page...are you both born again believers who are abiding in the True Vine (the Lord)? Is he Lord in your life and in the home?

We have sought out Christian counseling. I have prayed and fasted. And at the end of the day I really just don't think my wife cares much for me. Our personalities just seem to clash and I just feel this constant emptiness and anxiety in my chest 24/7. I really don't know what to do. I feel completely unneeded as a husband and the reality is I probably am.
wtrailer: What do you mean by that? unneeded as a husband? Are you saying your wife is committing adultery or something?
The reality actually shows a husband or fat is very needed, a woman can't do it all...she is woman, she can't be a real father or husband, although some try, the role of mother belongs to the woman, the role of husband or father belongs to the man. You adulterate those roles and you get a mess, which be why so many children are messed up today.
Wt

wtrailer: Marriage takes all the participates doing their part, it not a one way street, both of you took wedding vows, for better and for worse, both parts will happen in marriage. When the worse comes, many turn to divorce, instead of to God for his help to live out their marriage vows. It be a sacrificial love(agape) that spouses are to demonstrate one to another, that agape love says: I will show you agape, respect and value whether you return it to me or not... agape for your spouse is not be conditional. This be the hard part for many, far too often the injured spouse acts indifferent, instead of admitting their own part in doing injustice to God, his Word and their spouse.
I've seen half-hearted attempts to save the marriage too... I admit this: we went to marriage counseling, but I left with that bitter root still in place, no real turning to the Lord, no sincere forgiveness etc. When we got home I continued with disrespecting God, the Word and my husband.
You see...If the injured( and or the perceived injured spouse) refuses to actually forgive... not forgiving opens up the marriage for the enemy to attack it. If either spouse isn't doing their part, the enemy will use them to bring about the demise of the marriage.

Let me tell you this, my worst in marriage and how I played right into the enemy's hands... I found out I can't have children biologically, secondly, my husband(who is older) had been married before and that marriage ended shortly before their 25th anniversary, he and his first wife raised 3 children.
A hidden truth: He doesn't want any more children, he's done with raising children, so when I came along all his children were married and they were having little ones of their own.

The hard part, my husband didn't tell me prior to our marrying that he didn't want more children, I found this out a little later in our marriage...believe you me, I didn't like finding this out after the fact! Oh I turned on him and did my own "I'm gonna pay you back for that", this went on for many years! I felt justified and had my own little group who supported me in that campaign...course I went on acting "christian" and stuff...all along I was doing wrong. My husband asked many times for forgiveness and I eventually said I forgave him but that was a lie.
You see, we got to be honest about things, the bible say so. I continued on lying not only to others but to myself as well, I kept telling myself I could disregard what the bible teaches and do what I felt was right.
I heard several sermons on being honest, showing respect and I got convicted because I wasn't forgiving my husband, I was right on the verge of chucking our marriage! I had my mind set on getting out of the marriage, after all I'd been deceived by my husband, an felt it was my right to avenge and to end the marriage. My husband tried and tried to please me, to me, he was a bull in a china store too.
But I was indifferent because I felt "justified" since he'd deceived me, I could "punish him", disrespect him etc...Trouble is, when I'd read the bible, it showed me that I wasn't justified in behaving that way towards my husband who'd confessed to God( and to me) and asked many times over the years for me to forgive him.
I was cold towards the Lord too and although I regularly went to church and said the right things etc, I was only going through the motions...when the song "Going through the motions" came out in 2008, it really did a number on me...I was so guilt ridden, an though I fought against that, I did come to realize that if I continued doing what I was doing, I'd end up not only walking away from my marriage, I'd also walk away from God... I was acting as though he wasn't Lord in my life, disrespecting scripture etc.
I knew my life before I got saved wasn't what I wanted to go back to...I knew I had to submit to God and his Word if I was ever going to be able to actually rid myself of the bitter root that was growing inside of me and that's what I took steps towards doing, day by day...it was a very hard fight but it was worth it!

My husband: he continued showing me agape, he was sincerely praying for me...walking out the faith before me...I didn't deserve that, I didn't deserve him... but I'm thankful to the Lord for my husband.
You know...it wasn't just my husband who was guilty, I was guilty too and both of us had to work all this out with the Lord, professional counseling aided, but I wasn't committed to it back then, I did another marriage counseling, one that I went into with sincere effort.

It is my prayer that you and your wife will be sincere in all that you do and say, an I ask that the Lord will help both of you to truly forgive and helps you both to purge old wounds from your lives and bring about healing and restoration, and if there be one of you that's not living their life to honor God that today would be the day that you seek repentance and start a renewed life with the Lord. In Jesus' name I pray, giving him the glory for all he do, Amen.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

So I guess the question would be how do we become friends after so many years of not being?
Wt

wtrailer: Forgiveness and both of you turning to God an his Word to help you achieve what seem to be impossible.
The place of remembrance, where did the first meeting take place? when friendship began?, the turning to romance?... many people need to regularly take walks down memory lane.

 

[Albion]

The particular issues or concerns you are speaking of are the kinds of issues that any good counselor would address for sure. Since you say that you and she did go to counseling, what was said there? Wasn't she confronted with the question of how she sees you now and what it would take--if anything--to rekindle what you remember and would like again?

It seems to me that you and she can only get through this with the guidance of a counselor, but at the same time, I would think that something should already have been done or begun in that respect.

 

[Goodbook]

Go on a second honeymoon?
Just a suggestion. Try the love boat.
It has to work out cos you both on the same ship. She cant throw you overboard.

 

[seeking.IAM]

I offer two thoughts:

1. Many times people can become too focused on trying to change their partner. All you really have control of is yourself. Try providing different inputs if you want different outputs.
2. Try another counselor. Often things don't work because of the counselor's skills or rapport issues between the counselor and parties of the couple. If you weren't getting the results you'd like from your cardiologist, you'd find another cardiologist. You wouldn't just try once and you wouldn't quit treatment. For what it's worth I will share a bias. I'd sooner have a counselor who is a Christian than a Christian Counselor. Nearly anyone can hang out a shingle and call themselves a "Christian Counselor." That is not a professional licensed credential. Find a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist (LMFT) or Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) & if they happen to be Christian, all the better.

Full disclosure: I'm a counselor (LMFT) who is a Christian, not a Christian Counselor.

 

[Greg J.]

I can't imagine all the facets there are to this issue. I've never been married. But I can repeat some basic things.

A Christian cannot leave (so I Cor. says). But has your wife left you?

This is good summary of the basics. There is an element of turning away from God in divorce. Jesus and then Paul were very specific about when it is acceptable to divorce, and it basically is when one's spouse is persistently unfaithful (which includes being persistently abusive). In both cases they are either not seeking God for help or not being willing to accept it (sometimes it is costly). In other words, they've already turned away from God.

Marriage is one of the images God has given us of the Father's connection to the Son: unity of love and will, and submission of Jesus to the Father as a role, but not in inherent value. This is one way to look at why divorce is a sin in the first place. Within God's nature is relationship, but divorce is not a part of his nature at all. Divorce is a way to put a lie about God's faithfulness on display to other people (John 13:35) and angels (1 Corinthians 4:9).

(Believe it or not, the rest of this post is about struggling with the possibility of divorce.)

In matters that I do have experience in, I find it easy to be compassionate. So instead of asserting rules you need to keep that I see in God's Word (which is what some people without the pain of similar experiences do), what I would rather say is: You can't fix this problem on your own, and possibly not even if your spouse also wanted to fix it. You need God to fix it. He wants you to recognize this, and in any area of life sometimes he lets everything crash so we can see that (for those who have enough faith to hold onto him). When we genuinely believe that and also know that God has promised to help us, then God will deal with it for you. Sometimes our fight is more along the lines of trying to trust God while we wait (through which he grants us more faith) rather than us acting on something we think he wants us to do.

Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. (James 4:9-10, 1984 NIV)

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. (bold mine, John 15:5, 1984 NIV)

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:7-10, 1984 NIV)

Paul's thorn was because God was living mightily through him. This drives people to the deception that it is they themselves who are doing these great things. It is only countered by faith and the kind of deep humility that comes only from God. This situation doesn't just arise when God is working powerfully through someone like Paul. Our lack of this deep kind of humility also prevents God from doing great things for us and through us. He has a storehouse of blessing he wants to pour out on each of us that we are unable to receive (Malachi 3:10) when we have not been strictly obedient.

God has commanded us to obedience because it is through this that we experience His Life that wells up in us to eternal life (John 14:14). Strict obedience to God is priceless to us for this reason—it is a path whereby we struggle or suffer and eventually experience more of God's life, which is so wonderful it is seems to me to be an insult to God to even try to compare it to gold (1 Peter 1:7). It far surpasses the material worth of everything in the universe combined. It is through this that we experience more of the fruit of the Spirit (become more like Jesus) as well as the power of God in our lives.

This is supposed to be the pattern of our lives (ala Luke 9:23-24) until we reach maturity (Ephesians 4:13). It is why Paul (in another passage) celebrates his suffering, because it breaks him more deeply which causes him to experience more deeply his need for God. Along with the faith that God loves us and will always help us, God reveals more of himself to that person, in that person, and if ready, through that person. It is our lack of faith in Christ that prevents him from opening all the stops.

We need faith in Jesus and the support of the church as God designed it to withstand the pain of the trials and temptations. It is directly tied to the importance of building upon rock instead of sand. As it is, most of Christian America settles for a weak, almost dead, form of Christianity. America is one of the worst places to see individual and church maturity happening as it should. We are stunningly spiritually weak (in general). We frequently choose comfort or what is enjoyable over being moral, and we are afraid of even letting people know about our pain, let alone persist in seeking love and help from others because of it (one of the purposes of the church).

It's a lot easier to talk about than do. Even with this knowledge I have yet to rejoice when suffering (as we see some do in Scripture), although after experiencing it for a long time, I can finally mostly refrain from blaming God while in it.

I have written about these seemingly tangential issues it so that you might more easily see the enormous profit for you in persevering in accordance with God's will. However, do not forget that it isn't our obedience that makes us right with God. Obedience is for our long-term blessing, protection, and sanctification. If you believe in Jesus and he is your Lord in practice, then you are right with God no matter what happens (sin interferes with both).

Rejoice in Jesus, who loves you and will keep you in the palm of your hand no matter what. Praise him and be thankful to him in every circumstance. Make it your goal to please him. Try to arrange the rest of your life, including sacrificing things you enjoy, to make this easier. God knows everything you do and knows everything you need. God will bless you in this life and the life to come. Some of those blessings include a variety of things to make it all easier and life happier and more satisfying, too. And best of all, God will be your friend (Philippians 3:8).

 

[Goodbook]

uh. Holy spirit is our counsellor. If you want a real WONDERFUL counsellor.
Ask Jesus to intervene. Not sure what He will do, but He might teach you the way to a woman's heart.

I'm thinking foot rubs.

 

[Paidiske]

I wonder, OP, you talk about wanting a companion in your wife. Is that, in your mind, the same thing as being a companion to your wife? What I'm asking is, for the sake of companionship, are you willing to let her interests and goals set the agenda?

Also, you say your personalities clash, and I wonder what you mean by that? Are you a social butterfly while she is an introvert who wants to stay home with a book? Are you someone who thrives on routine while she wants to be spontaneous? Is it something else?

 

[tturt]

Encourage you to read the original "Love and Respect" by Emerson (think he was a pastor for decades). The book is based on husbands LOVE your wives and wives Respect your husbands (Eph 5:33).

 

[Ken Behrens]

So I guess the question would be how do we become friends after so many years of not being?
Wt

To make a friend, be one. What you need from her, she probably needs from you. Ask her. But, since you are likely the one who has been out of the house more (earning the living needed to raise the children), she will probably not have defined her desires to the extent you have. , It's got to be a joint effort.. You are looking to find what God is trying to do in the other for the rest of your lives. Love into your sixties (which is where I am at now) means finding it, encouraging it, and helping make it happen.

 

[insurchoftruth]

Visit this website link bellow, and see what you find. This christian couple, have helped many people around the world, with even the worst cases of marriage problems. Hopefully, you could find something to help you? You never know! Just check it and see... Maybe it will help..

http://www.joelandkathy.com/

 

[jeager016]

I've been married and divorced 3 X.
I'm no one to give advice.
I'm single and intend to stay single.
I have a very bad selector switch.
I had a horrible, mean, abusive, mother and an alcoholic father.
Put me in a room with 100 females, 99 good, "normal" women
with traditional values and I'll gravitate to the one nut job!
The lady who is my fiance doesn't want to marry either.
Legal reasons aplenty.
We each have children and grandchildren and avoid the
legal complications of a blended marriage.
We are a couple and neither has a desire to shop around.
She has her home and I have mine.
She has her money and I have mine and my investments are
much better than hers.
Works good for us.
Besides her skizo daughter lives with her & is age 42.
A real schizophrenic and nothing I want in my life on a permanent
basis.
If the daughter gets real squirrely I can go home and have
some peace.
Skizo ain't my problem.
She has a real father alive and well and he can deal with her.
My 3rd marriage was with a woman with 3 daughters.
As they grew up they were rebellious and a handful.
I got out of that situation but she was pregnant with my youngest, a son.
I have a most wonderful 17 year old now and we are very close.
All three of her daughters are what I'd call miserable
failures at anything and everything they try to do.
That 3rd X has 5 kids to 5 men.
That says a lot and none of it good.
Somehow she landed a man in her life that seems stable and an
o.k. fellow I guess. Good for her.
I wish her the very best in life.

 

[Ken Behrens]

I
We each have children and grandchildren and avoid the
legal complications of a blended marriage.
We are a couple and neither has a desire to shop around.
She has her home and I have mine.
She has her money and I have mine and my investments are
much better than hers.
Works good for us.

Being close to your age, I understand completely. It is hard to explain to younger people how we can hold such views, but there is God's definition of marriage, society's definition of marriage, and the law's definition of marriage. All three are different. I have had two great marriages; God arranged them both. But I have had a completely different life than you have had. The truly sad thing is that there are parents, and churches, and traditions, and sub-cultures, that train us so badly, that God has to spend most of our lives teaching us His plan in spite of what we have been taught, instead of enjoying the great blessing marriage can be. Congratulations on what seems to be God's first step in a marriage that he has designed for you, strange as it may seem to the culture and to the "law".

 

[FutureAndAHope]

I really need some advice as to whether or not I should stay in my marriage. I never, ever once considered divorce but it is now becoming something I may need to pursue for my own mental and physical health.
A little back story, we've been married 20 years, married very young had kids that are now mid to late teens. The first 10 years were hard but the kids and the family structure made it very comforting. Everything we did centered around our family. The next 10 years we became roommates.
For the last 2 to 3 years I have been desperately trying to fix that. It has become an obsession. It's like something clicked in me that I all of a sudden wanted a companion in my wife. The explosion of emotions made me come off like a bull in a China shop and seemed to at times do more damage than good.
We have sought out Christian counseling. I have prayed and fasted. And at the end of the day I really just don't think my wife cares much for me. Our personalities just seem to clash and I just feel this constant emptiness and anxiety in my chest 24/7. I really don't know what to do. I feel completely unneeded as a husband and the reality is I probably am.
Wt

From what you have said there is no reason to leave your wife. You need to ensure you are not letting self pity get into your spirit, nor allow for seeds of lust.

Our joy first and foremost should come from God. In all things we are more than conquerers through Christ who loves us. Focus on the word of God, don't budge from it.