Marriage Advice (Avoiding Separation)

[ChristopherK]

God bless you guys. If you want to know my marital testimony just look at my previous threads. I have a particular inquiry for right now.

I mentioned it before, but wanted some sound advice. I'm looking for ways to appear more attractive to my wife, Keren. I'm not speaking physically, but more-so regarding confidence, etc. I have been weaning away from being there for her, whether it be cooking or what-have-you, because I want her to see that I'm standing on my own and am independent from fear of losing her. Of course I don't want our marriage to end and have no intention of that happening on my end. However, I also know that she responds to confidence, independence, and strength so me being sensitive and emotional to my marriage wavering has not been well received.

What are some suggestions you have? Presently, I go to the gym on a regular basis 5X per week and occasionally at night as well. I go to our Church's Men's group Tuesday night's also. I'm no longer trying to cook her dinner or prep her lunch before we leave for work in the morning. I'm leaving her be to do her own thing while thinking of ways to help myself as well as catch her eye again.

Feel free to throw your suggestions my way. Thanks!

 

[Dave-W]

I think you said on your other thread that her entire family is all for you guys staying together?

I would ask them (her mother and any sisters she might have) WHAT she particularly finds attractive in a guy and work on that.

 

[ChristopherK]

I think you said on your other thread that her entire family is all for you guys staying together?

I would ask them (her mother and any sisters she might have) WHAT she particularly finds attractive in a guy and work on that.

Based on how I was when I met her I honestly didn't care...which of course changes when your heart is attached to someone, but I mean that I had my life and she had hers and I respected what she wanted to do, and didn't try to change her.

What her family has said was that she doesn't want to see tears, she wants to see strength, and independence. She doesn't want me to do things for her, but let her do it for herself and not give her so much attention. It's just a matter of understanding what that loos like day-to-day.

 

[DZoolander]

Are you guys still living together?

 

[mkgal1]

I've read through a few of your posts, and the impression I'm getting is that with all your "debating"....you may not have listened to HER beliefs.

I love this video....one of the things Reza and Jessica point out, that I really think is important for everyone, is that ALL marriages are "inter-belief" and we need to learn to listen to one another (and NOT become dogmatic....that will kill a marriage or any relationship).

If you want the "short-version"....start around 9 minutes in...or-even shorter--at 11:53 minutes in:

 

[ChristopherK]

Are you guys still living together?

Yessir, we are. Thank God.

 

[mkgal1]

A question I have, too....is you've mentioned she doesn't trust you. Do you know what that means specifically? What is she fearing you'll do (or will not do)?

 

[ChristopherK]

I question I have, too....is you've mentioned she doesn't trust you. Do you know what that means specifically? What is she fearing you'll do (or will not do)?

I think she may fear that I haven't really changed and that all that has happened in me for the past 8 months is not legit. I understand her fear, but all I can do at this point is pray, be patient, and be consistent.

 

[OK Jeff]

That's the best advice I could give. Just what you're doing. Indeed she doesn't yet buy that it's for real. Only time will show her.

 

[ChristopherK]

That's the best advice I could give. Just what you're doing. Indeed she doesn't yet buy that it's for real. Only time will show her.

Amen. Thank you, Jeff!

 

[DZoolander]

Here's the thing about your posts and what I kinda gleam from them.

It almost sounds like a huge percentage of what you're fighting is not just the "zealotry" aspect of it - but it seems like you're also dealing with "what your wife is attracted to". There have been quite a few times you've talked about how your wife was attracted to the fact you didn't seem to care when you first started dating.

You also have inferred that she talks about how she wants you "to be more confident and self assured" (or something to that effect) - and apparently doesn't like when you do things like make her lunch/do ingratiating things for her...seemingly because that makes you appear less confident/reliant on the relationship/too desirous of wanting to fix things. Kind of like what she initially liked about you was that you didn't care...that you weren't making yourself available...and what she's having problems with now is that you're too obviously available.

If that's the case - I don't really know how to fix that - because it goes beyond you simply proving that you're no longer sitting in judgment of her being unequally yoked or anything like that. If that's really a dynamic - that's a hard spot to be in - because trying to advise you about that would almost amount to suggesting you start be manipulative or start playing games.

You do want her back...so you're authentically acting like that. If that's a bad thing in her eyes - then there's an impasse coming. While I could give you advice on how to be manipulative and play that scenario, and I'm sure you can probably figure those things out as well, that's not conducive to getting back to a healthy place. It's a no-win situation.

"He's trying too hard to get me back...so he must not be confident...and furthermore most likely the reason he wants to stay with me is because God hates divorce...which is further evidence of his not being over the being too religious thing"

That kinda sounds like what you're saying.

Is it? lol

 

[ChristopherK]

Here's the thing about your posts and what I kinda gleam from them.

It almost sounds like a huge percentage of what you're fighting is not just the "zealotry" aspect of it - but it seems like you're also dealing with "what your wife is attracted to". There have been quite a few times you've talked about how your wife was attracted to the fact you didn't seem to care when you first started dating.

You also have inferred that she talks about how she wants you "to be more confident and self assured" (or something to that effect) - and apparently doesn't like when you do things like make her lunch/do ingratiating things for her...seemingly because that makes you appear less confident/reliant on the relationship/too desirous of wanting to fix things. Kind of like what she initially liked about you was that you didn't care...that you weren't making yourself available...and what she's having problems with now is that you're too obviously available.

If that's the case - I don't really know how to fix that - because it goes beyond you simply proving that you're no longer sitting in judgment of her being unequally yoked or anything like that. If that's really a dynamic - that's a hard spot to be in - because trying to advise you about that would almost amount to suggesting you start be manipulative or start playing games.

You do want her back...so you're authentically acting like that. If that's a bad thing in her eyes - then there's an impasse coming. While I could give you advice on how to be manipulative and play that scenario, and I'm sure you can probably figure those things out as well, that's not conducive to getting back to a healthy place. It's a no-win situation.

"He's trying too hard to get me back...so he must not be confident...and furthermore most likely the reason he wants to stay with me is because God hates divorce...which is further evidence of his not being over the being too religious thing"

That kinda sounds like what you're saying.

Is it? lol

Lol! Thanks for your response, my dude. I see what you mean. My primary reason for fighting for our marriage is not because God hates divorce, but because I've made a covenant to her and intend to uphold it. It goes beyond feelings, because if it were just my feelings then the minute I found out she had an emotional affair I should've been out. The simple fact is that I love her unconditionally, and intend to let that speak for itself.

BUT I think it is definitely wiser not to seem so enveloped in her for a couple reasons. One, because no matter what I've done, she's always come back at me with reasons why she still doesn't trust me, which probably makes what I have done for her seem like a show to get her back. She called me a manipulator two weeks ago the last time we spoke about us, which I immeEeEediately responded with saying, "I'm not trying to manipulate you at all. I'm just a human-being trying to learn how to best fight for his marriage." The other reason is because, as we've alluded to, if I'm not making her a huge deal in my eyes and appear self-sustainable and not "needing" her then it would make me appear more attractive. I believe that is true because a woman doesn't like to see a man beg or pursue when something like marriage is on the line.

I'm praying that all she truly needs is time for her heart to be circumcised by the Lord so that she may begin to have eyes for me again, but only time will tell. I just need to understand how to not spend my time on her in the physical and only spend it in the spiritual by praying for her.

 

[YodaMama]

God bless you guys. If you want to know my marital testimony just look at my previous threads. I have a particular inquiry for right now.

I mentioned it before, but wanted some sound advice. I'm looking for ways to appear more attractive to my wife, Keren. I'm not speaking physically, but more-so regarding confidence, etc. I have been weaning away from being there for her, whether it be cooking or what-have-you, because I want her to see that I'm standing on my own and am independent from fear of losing her. Of course I don't want our marriage to end and have no intention of that happening on my end. However, I also know that she responds to confidence, independence, and strength so me being sensitive and emotional to my marriage wavering has not been well received.

What are some suggestions you have? Presently, I go to the gym on a regular basis 5X per week and occasionally at night as well. I go to our Church's Men's group Tuesday night's also. I'm no longer trying to cook her dinner or prep her lunch before we leave for work in the morning. I'm leaving her be to do her own thing while thinking of ways to help myself as well as catch her eye again.

Feel free to throw your suggestions my way. Thanks!

Become Christlike and love her the way Christ loves the Church. Be a man of God that she can follow and be discipled by.

 

[Ana the Ist]

Based on how I was when I met her I honestly didn't care...which of course changes when your heart is attached to someone, but I mean that I had my life and she had hers and I respected what she wanted to do, and didn't try to change her.

What her family has said was that she doesn't want to see tears, she wants to see strength, and independence. She doesn't want me to do things for her, but let her do it for herself and not give her so much attention. It's just a matter of understanding what that loos like day-to-day.

What's her father like? He is, after all, the role-model for what "a man is supposed to be like" for most of her life.

Would you say he's an emotional "rock" for the family? Does he express his feelings a lot or not at all? Is he just a provider who doesn't get too involved in his children's lives?

 

[Paidiske]

Maybe there's something here about the way you handle other aspects of your life. Are you pursuing your professional life in a way which says you have ambitions and the will to pursue them, for example?

What worries me about your approach (I've read several of your threads) is that you seem focussed on trying to bring about change in your wife, but you really can't do that. I suspect the attempt will only frustrate you and push her further away, because after all, that's what started the problem in the first place, isn't it?