Making someone "like" you

[memoriesbymichelle]

Somewhere along the line I "thought" that you could "make" somebody love you.

I don't know where I got this thought from, and of course I know it is not true (tested it a few times in my life lol) but I don't know what ever gave me this notion in the first place.

We all know and talk about how we must be attracted to someone in some way (even if we are late to the party figuring that out ) so it wouldn't matter how wonderful we were to someone, if they are not attracted to us, or vise versa, it's just never going to happen.

I seriously when I was younger thought that if I liked someone, and was good enough to them, that somehow magically, one day they would wake up and realize how much they DID like me. Sounds silly, I know but I used to think that. Anybody else? Where would we have gotten this idea from?

And more importantly, how do we change this mindset? Of course I know now that you can't make someone like you, but sometimes I still try, and I'm not even talking about just in romantic relationships. Sometimes in my family relationships I think they will see how much they really do like me and it's just not that simple, or true.

 

[Jenster]

I'll take a crack at commenting on a few of your questions, Michelle. The first thing that occurred to me was that, when we like someone, WE can see our commonalities, the reasons why the two of us would be good together. So it's not a far step to think that they other person -- if he/she would just SEE what we see -- would fall for us in return.

To me, being nice to someone is just an expression of how I want the world to work. There "should" be some reward to people who are nice to other people. You want the world to reward niceness. You want to believe that the person you like respects niceness, in fact.

Instead, we live in a personality-driven society, where charm and cleverness is more valued than kindness. When it comes to romantic relationships, no offense to anyone, but niceness doesn't seem to be very high on the wish list. At least when you're young. Maybe it's all due to hormones, I don't know.

Also, the whole "nice" thing can be taken to an unhealthy level. It turns into co-dependence, lack of confidence, having the attitude of a lowly servant rather than an equal partner. I was thinking about that this week with respect to a co-worker who acts like she assumes something's wrong or that I might be mad at her, instead of just saying, "Hey, how's it going?"

And about making people like you, the frustrating thing about it is that we don't control someone else's behavior, but sometimes we do let their reactions determine how we behave. If they're rude, we try harder. I think it's a matter of boundaries. I have some people like that in my life, who don't treat me great. I've started NOT reacting and not wanting them to like me. Finding the middle ground is hard, of still being nice to them but not too nice.

 

[exitstageright]

Somewhere along the line I "thought" that you could "make" somebody love you.

I don't know where I got this thought from, and of course I know it is not true (tested it a few times in my life lol) but I don't know what ever gave me this notion in the first place.

We all know and talk about how we must be attracted to someone in some way (even if we are late to the party figuring that out ) so it wouldn't matter how wonderful we were to someone, if they are not attracted to us, or vise versa, it's just never going to happen.

I seriously when I was younger thought that if I liked someone, and was good enough to them, that somehow magically, one day they would wake up and realize how much they DID like me. Sounds silly, I know but I used to think that. Anybody else? Where would we have gotten this idea from?

And more importantly, how do we change this mindset? Of course I know now that you can't make someone like you, but sometimes I still try, and I'm not even talking about just in romantic relationships. Sometimes in my family relationships I think they will see how much they really do like me and it's just not that simple, or true.

The songwriters Ken Gamble,Jerry Ross,and Jerry Williams surely must have had this type of thinking in mind,when they wrote this popular song that was sung by The Supremes and The Temptations.

I'm Gonna Make You Love Me
The Supremes & The Temptations
(Ken Gamble/Jerry Ross/Jerry Williams)

I'm gonna do all the things for you
A girl wants a man to do
Oh, baby (Oh, baby)
I'll sacrifice for you
I'll even do wrong for you
Oh, baby (Oh, baby)

Every minute, every hour
I'm gonna shower you
With love and affection
Look out, it's comin' in your direction
And I'm

I'm gonna make you love me
Oh, yes I will
Yes I will
I'm gonna make you love me
Oh, yes I will
Yes I will

Look here
My love is strong, you see
I know you'll never get tired of me
Oh, baby (Oh, baby)
And I'm gonna use every trick in the book
I'll try my best to get you hooked
Hey, baby (Hey, baby)

And every night, every day
I'm gonna say
I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you
Look out boy, 'cause I'm gonna get you

I'm gonna make you love me
Oh, yes I will
Yes I will
And I'm gonna make you love me
Oh, yes I will
You know I will

Every breathe I take
And each and every step I make
Brings me closer, baby
Closer to you

And with each beat of my heart
For every day we're apart
I'll hunger for every wasted hour

And I...
Every night
And every day
I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you
Look out, 'cause I'm gonna get you

I'm gonna make you love me
Oh, yes I will
Yes I will
I'm gonna make you love me
Oh, yes I will
Yes I will

I'm gonna make you love me
Oh, yes I will
Yes I will
I'm gonna make you love me
Oh, yes I will
Yes I will

 

[blackribbon]

Common sense says this is not possible. Our hearts tell us differently. Maturity is how we handle it when we realize we can't make someone love us no matter how hard we try. I "behave" properly...but my heart doesn't always let go as easily.

 

[RuthD]

I have felt that way at times. Like I had to make someone like me. I was suffering from poor self esteem, thought I was boring, and usually that person did not like me as much as I liked them. I would buy him things, try to solve all of his problems and bent over backwards for him. One day he just shut me out of his life. That actually cured me of doing this ever again or since.

 

[Jupiter Drops]

Everyone wants to be loved by others, but not everyone can be loved by everyone.


I think God's love is enough for me. I used to want everyone to love me, but that's not possible. It was even selfish of me to think that way because I couldn't bring myself to love everyone on this entire planet. It's not like I know all of them, but God does.

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

Instead, we live in a personality-driven society, where charm and cleverness is more valued than kindness. When it comes to romantic relationships, no offense to anyone, but niceness doesn't seem to be very high on the wish list. At least when you're young. Maybe it's all due to hormones, I don't know.

That is so true! If you are a nice, responsible, more or less stable person that is not "exciting" enough somehow. I think our society is geared toward drama and what passes for excitement and a lot of good character traits are ignored or disvalued.

You know, I have even seen that attitude in some churches. For example, if you had a wreck of a life, you were a criminal, a drug addict or whatever and then you got saved, a lot of churches will think you have a great testimony. But if you came from a pretty decent background and yes, you are a Christian but you do not have a dramatic conversion story and you have had your share of sins and failures but no huge train wrecks, well, you don't have that much of a testimony somehow. Now, it is great when God turns someone's life around and we are not saved because we are "nice" and might have come from a good background - that is not what I mean. But it seems like there is that taste for drama rather than an attraction to "boring" character traits like stability and responsibility.

 

[blackribbon]

I agree. I think I have been set aside for that reason. I don't come with drama and am a pretty good listener. Sadly, that doesn't seem to be a valued trait either. I think that some guys think because I'm easy to be around that I'm boring. Once they decide that, they don't look any deeper. And that is usually about the time I'm starting to feel comfortable enough to actual "be me". Oh well. Men seem to want to date a different kind of woman that they really want to spend their lives with....unless men really do want high maintance women...those that need expensive meals and gifts.

I've also found I'm no good at "dating". I am not a big fan of spending a lot of money or time focused on eating...movies are not "social" activities (I'd rather watch a movie at home so we can talk during the movie)...and I'm not a big fan of crowds. Oh well...

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

I agree. I think I have been set aside for that reason. I don't come with drama and am a pretty good listener. Sadly, that doesn't seem to be a valued trait either. I think that some guys think because I'm easy to be around that I'm boring. Once they decide that, they don't look any deeper. And that is usually about the time I'm starting to feel comfortable enough to actual "be me". Oh well. Men seem to want to date a different kind of woman that they really want to spend their lives with....unless men really do want high maintance women...those that need expensive meals and gifts.

I've also found I'm no good at "dating". I am not a big fan of spending a lot of money or time focused on eating...movies are not "social" activities (I'd rather watch a movie at home so we can talk during the movie)...and I'm not a big fan of crowds. Oh well...

Blackribbon, I think we are reading the same book, page, and paragraph! I remember taking a "communication" workshop at work (a group of us were afflicted with personality tests and "communication" and "teamwork" lectures). Anyway, the speaker asked us what the most important communication skill is. I said an important communication skill is listening. There was an awkward silence and no one asked me anything the rest of the day!

I wonder if the attraction of drama is that our society confuses youthfulness with immaturity. Also, it seems like a selfish, narcissistic attitude is mistaken for strength and if you don't act like you have to prove yourself to everyone people think you are either weak or you just aren't social (at least that was the message drummed into me as a young man as I saw some guys who acted like jerks yet they evidently had a charisma about them that made them popular while I was often treated like a nonentity). I would like to think that better things are valued as you get older but I have to wonder...

I wonder if a high maintenance woman gives a guy some bragging rights (my few relationships at least have not had any high maintenance issues and if I suspect a woman has high maintenance issues I avoid her so I don't have much experience with that). Kind of like owning an expensive sports car that is in the garage being fixed most of the time but you can brag to your friends how much money you spend on it and how much trouble it is to keep it running. I am sorry if that sounds crass.

Also, our culture confuses the excitement of infatuation with love. Isn't this the typical pattern? People are infatuated with each other but the initial excitement of infatuation and physical attraction starts to wear off and they conclude they are not "in love" after all and so they seek the next exciting person. So really the pattern is people falling in and out of excitement with each other. If you are not a "dramatic" person maybe in a sense there is less to be infatuated over at a superficial level so you are not as "exciting." So even though you have a lot of substance for a real relationship, people don't get to the substance and you become invisible.

 

[blackribbon]

Sigh...I am get tired of having self-control and lack of drama being equivalent to being weak. I promise, getting to the point where I have learned how to walk away from a fight was among the hardest lessons I learned in life. It does not come from a place of weakness.

I went out with this last guy 3 times. I don't think he ever stopped talking...so I just listened. I probably could write a fairly accurate biography on him from childhood to recently...and when he actually stopped to ask me a question, he never paused to listen to my answer. I kind of assumed he must have really needed someone to talk to so I just listened...thinking that he would eventually run out of things to say and wonder about me...but I guess, I must have been too "boring"...all I ever did was listen...and he just quit calling for whatever reason....(I would have actually had to say something in order for me to be "rejected" because something being wrong with me...LOL..he have very little to go on).

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

In the department of getting someone to like you. I thought this might lighten the mood a bit. I just happened to stumble across this old gem the other day. Hurricane Smith's "Oh Babe, What Would You Say"

Hurricane Smith - Oh, Babe, What Would You Say (Slayd5000) - YouTube

 

[redblue22]

I have thought that I could make someone love me. I choose to love. I have feelings for people. I generally find most people interesting. I'm not terribly picky. I find most women attractive. So, sure, love me love me. And for some reason the spell never worked. Either they had feelings or not right off. Seems kindof shallow I guess. Maybe I'm in touch with my feelings better or something. I have come to accept that people do not all think alike. The world is a very different place for many people. But then I'm a pretty optimistic person, so I figure give a girl some time. I really don't have the answer. I think I'm the weird one out here though. A good example is how people have some famous person they think is all that. I don't. There is nothing that draws me about pictures of people from far away that I've never met. I would rather take my chances with whatever person is checking out my groceries than one of those people. I'm special.

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

I went out with this last guy 3 times. I don't think he ever stopped talking...so I just listened. I probably could write a fairly accurate biography on him from childhood to recently...and when he actually stopped to ask me a question, he never paused to listen to my answer. I kind of assumed he must have really needed someone to talk to so I just listened...thinking that he would eventually run out of things to say and wonder about me...but I guess, I must have been too "boring"...all I ever did was listen...and he just quit calling for whatever reason....(I would have actually had to say something in order for me to be "rejected" because something being wrong with me...LOL..he have very little to go on).

I'm sorry. Being treated like that can make one feel invisible.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Well we should change (hopefully for the better) as we get older right? As far as the kindness issue, the Bible says in Proverbs 19:22 "what is desired in a man is kindness.....
I happen to like generous kind men who aren't uptight about non earth shattering events.

I just find it facsinating that we (I) think that because I like someone, they should like me back. I happen to think I am a very likable person (I wasn't always this way). I'm flexible as far as schedules, not bodily and I'm not needy.

When I look at other couples, sometimes I wonder....maybe they are both old and dumpy and happy to be with "someone". OR other couples, the woman usually looks better than the man so I then tend to think if I looked better (thinner) I would have no trouble attracting someone, but then would I attract the kind of man I desire? IDK