Making out for kids only?

[gary2468]

I have been told by my wife that making out and petting are thinks that teenagers do and I need to break away from wanting that. We just give a few pecks before she gets irritated and we never kiss during s*x because she doesn't care to do it.

1. Any thoughts? Is she right about the teenager thing?

Before we were christians oral sex was given by both. Now she is making a case for not giving oral because it is gross and not right. I do it because I love the pleasure it brings her and I like to.

2. What do you do with an apparent bait and switch?

 

[selune]

I always find that lots of kissing and cuddling and touching is a real turn on and very much appreciated by me or my husband. Just a teenager thing? Hope not. In fact, I find it inappropriate when teens are pawing all over each other as they aren't married. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable in public if my husband gets too frisky. But in private? More!

I don't want to offend you, but could there be a dental hygiene thing that bothers your wife? At one point when my husband was getting a wisdom tooth, his breath wasn't the freshest and bothered me some. I told him tactfully (hopefully) and he worked to get rid of the odor, which made things very nice.

As to oral sex, perhaps she started having a gag reaction? Reflexive, not from aversion, which would make her not want to anymore? I dunno, if she gets pleasure from you giving, and you enjoy that, then keep on.

I don't know that there's a bait and switch, as people change over time. I used to like marshmallow fluff as a kid, can't stand the stuff now. I know maybe a bad analogy... But give the benefit of the doubt. Does she stimulate you in other ways? Manually for instance? I know from your other threads that there are problems, but hopefully things can be worked on. Best wishes and prayers to you.

 

[Bookman]

The word for your wife used to be "frigid." She needs counseling.

As for oral sex, I happen to agree with her. But she should have let you know she felt this way before marriage. I can't help but wonder what made her change her mind on this issue AFTER marriage. If you can give up your demands for oral sex, she should be able to come your way and have sex willingly and more frequently than she presently does.

Are you sure you're not asking anything of her that would make her feel degraded about having sex? Maybe she doesn't want sex because of what she considers degrading activities (like the oral sex). If you and she could decide on what was negotiable for both of you, it might work out better.

 

[kstam]

Sex within a marriage is the right thing to do. The Bible encourages married couples to have sex and actually Paul warned couples about not having it (1 Cor 7:2-7)!

With regards to petting, Song of Songs 2:6 talks about it. Isaac was "playing" with his wife Rebecca (Gen 26:8-9).

I don't have any experience with oral sex (neither receiving nor giving). Both I and my wife don't feel comfortable about it. Having "normal" sex is pleasurable enough for us. However I do not object oral sex when both partners agree to it.

For most women, the foreplay for love making starts early in the day. If I showed her my appreciation, told her that I love her, etc., she became easily turned on when we get to bed. But if we had an argument and she is mad, then forget about making love.

How about buying her flowers, taking her out for dinner, saying something nice to her, etc. and then give her a nice massage before making love. See if that makes a difference.

Oh, don't forget to brush your teeth before doing it.

 

[gary2468]

I always find that lots of kissing and cuddling and touching is a real turn on and very much appreciated by me or my husband. Just a teenager thing? Hope not. In fact, I find it inappropriate when teens are pawing all over each other as they aren't married. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable in public if my husband gets too frisky. But in private? More!

Lucky man

I don't want to offend you, but could there be a dental hygiene thing that bothers your wife? At one point when my husband was getting a wisdom tooth, his breath wasn't the freshest and bothered me some. I told him tactfully (hopefully) and he worked to get rid of the odor, which made things very nice.

That was a complaint once but I worked to fix that - to no change.

As to oral sex, perhaps she started having a gag reaction? Reflexive, not from aversion, which would make her not want to anymore? I dunno, if she gets pleasure from you giving, and you enjoy that, then keep on.

I am not long enough to gag anyone.

I don't know that there's a bait and switch, as people change over time. I used to like marshmallow fluff as a kid, can't stand the stuff now. I know maybe a bad analogy... But give the benefit of the doubt. Does she stimulate you in other ways? Manually for instance? I know from your other threads that there are problems, but hopefully things can be worked on. Best wishes and prayers to you.

Manually is rare... only after I have performed orally. Thank you for responding though. I am happy to hear that adults still "Make Out".

 

[gary2468]

For most women, the foreplay for love making starts early in the day. If I showed her my appreciation, told her that I love her, etc., she became easily turned on when we get to bed. But if we had an argument and she is mad, then forget about making love.

How about buying her flowers, taking her out for dinner, saying something nice to her, etc. and then give her a nice massage before making love. See if that makes a difference.

This is a bit naive. If all it takes is kind words then count your blessings. Some women still refuse intimacy no matter how many flowers you buy...

---

I just read an article on Frech Kissing. That is something that does not happen anymore either. Boy do I miss that.

 

[WayneH]

heeheehee....... 25 years of marriage and kissing is still the biggest turnon during sex.. and as long as its something we both enjoy then anything goes..

acually - before bed - the wife and I both use a mint mouth wash - and take time ot clean up... petting and kissing is and has always been a turnon - thus we feel its for adults not teens ( another thred though ).. I have to agree with most here - first you need to sot down and talk openly with yoru wife - foind out her comfort zone.. if that doesn't work - you both should check in with a good chrtian councilor... God Bless...

 

[kstam]

This is a bit naive. If all it takes is kind words then count your blessings. Some women still refuse intimacy no matter how many flowers you buy...

What I mean is that you need to find out what turns her on. For most men, getting physically intimate is all it takes. But for most women, it takes more than physical intimacy. Do you know your lady's "soft spot"?

 

[gary2468]

What if you know the soft spot but she just says thank you? .. SHe rarely returns my love language?

It appears that from some of the responses I have gotten, that making out is still something that adults and married people do.

 

[selune]

well, at least she say's thank you. Have you been blunt and asked for what you'd like, assuming it wouldn't be something degrading to her, and said "this would be nice for me, a kiss, hugs, whatever it is." Help guide her gently to return your love in your love language. You mentioned somewhere right, that her family was not very expressive with displays of emotions. (I think that was from you, if not forgive my error) At any rate, maybe this is something in general that she has to learn. Maybe she's worried that as a Christian she can't be physical anymore? Far from the way things are stated in the Bible for married couples (SoS and Paul's teachings) but maybe she isn't sure of herself or maybe she has some misplaced guilt? from pre-Christian behavior. Still praying for you both.

 

[Svt4Him]

I have been told by my wife that making out and petting are thinks that teenagers do and I need to break away from wanting that. We just give a few pecks before she gets irritated and we never kiss during s*x because she doesn't care to do it.

1. Any thoughts? Is she right about the teenager thing?

Before we were christians oral sex was given by both. Now she is making a case for not giving oral because it is gross and not right. I do it because I love the pleasure it brings her and I like to.

2. What do you do with an apparent bait and switch?

If you love the pleasure it brings to her, and her pleasure now is not to have it done, then why pursue it?

And a lack of kissing is usually intimacy issues. Again, there are a lot of good websites or resources available.

 

[gary2468]

well, at least she say's thank you. Have you been blunt and asked for what you'd like, assuming it wouldn't be something degrading to her, and said "this would be nice for me, a kiss, hugs, whatever it is." Help guide her gently to return your love in your love language.

Yes but it takes work to speak a love language you weren't raised with so it stops fairly quickly.

You mentioned somewhere right, that her family was not very expressive with displays of emotions. (I think that was from you, if not forgive my error)

Yes.

At any rate, maybe this is something in general that she has to learn. Maybe she's worried that as a Christian she can't be physical anymore? Far from the way things are stated in the Bible for married couples (SoS and Paul's teachings) but maybe she isn't sure of herself or maybe she has some misplaced guilt? from pre-Christian behavior. Still praying for you both.

I think you nailed it. SHe is very confused about what to do now as a Christian. There is some guilt from what we did before marriage and before we were Christians. She doesn't put much weight on SoS and won't read any
self help books on the subject. She has an older woman in the church that helps her.

 

[selune]

Well at least she's getting help from someone. Constantly remind her that if she is concerned that she has sinned, she needs only to ask forgiveness and by Jesus' grace she is forgiven! As Christians, we are encouraged to love and be loved in married relationships as well as in friendships. In our marriages one of our many blessings is to give physical pleasure to our spouse and to take pleasure in what they can do for us. Keep praying and giving her time. Keep encouraging her to go forward. If this older woman in the church is a help encourage her with that relationship too. I understand what a long process this seems, but it sounds as if things are getting better, even if it's not as fast as you'd like them to go.

 

[Evening Mist]

I refuse to go into details -- but want to say that what I am stimulated by has changed over the years and after having babies. I am by no means "frigid" but there are things I don't like anymore, and other things I like more than I used to. I don't think this is a "bait and switch." When we get married, we don't make vows to stay the same foverer. There should be an expectation built in to marriage that our partners will change and grow, and plenty of space an respect from both parties that allows change.

 

[gary2468]

Well at least she's getting help from someone. Constantly remind her that if she is concerned that she has sinned, she needs only to ask forgiveness and by Jesus' grace she is forgiven! As Christians, we are encouraged to love and be loved in married relationships as well as in friendships. In our marriages one of our many blessings is to give physical pleasure to our spouse and to take pleasure in what they can do for us. Keep praying and giving her time. Keep encouraging her to go forward. If this older woman in the church is a help encourage her with that relationship too. I understand what a long process this seems, but it sounds as if things are getting better, even if it's not as fast as you'd like them to go.

I am working to throw my whole problem into prayer... totally. That is my only alternative. I cannot change her. I can only seek God to help change me and ask God to work on her heart. Last night she told me that her body was hers alone. I reminded her that our bodies belong to each other and she did not like to hear that.

Thank you Selune for your prayers. Your husband is very blessed to be married to such a wise woman.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

i to don't like kissing my hubby, partly because of breath- he doesn't flause, and it makes such a difference, plus he slobbers too much. We're working on it though, because I'm finding that petting is necessary for intimacy, if it just becomes sex, and that's out, you're taking some necessary intimacy out of it. I to am hard to please gary, and although this leaves you in want, if your committed to this marriage, one of the best things you can do right now is just continue to be sensitive to your wife. If she says this.... then listen attentively, and show her in your actions that you care for exp. if she comlains that you kiss too long or something- then work on shortening it.... or if she says this, then work with her to show her you're hearing her needs, and if she gets frustrated, be gentle, forbaring, and still listen.... with these kind and caring and sensitive acts, she'll become more and more mush in your hands. My hubby is learning this. I don't know how you are, but even though I was a pain and unappreciative wife, if my hubby retaliated in a way that wasn't caring and sensitive towards me, it'd make matters worse. Love her and love her and love her some more. Let her know that it's important to you to work these things out, keep working at it and pray for her, and eventually with God's help, hopefully, you guys will have a bountiful sex life. God Bless brother!

 

[selune]

I am working to throw my whole problem into prayer... totally. That is my only alternative. I cannot change her. I can only seek God to help change me and ask God to work on her heart. Last night she told me that her body was hers alone. I reminded her that our bodies belong to each other and she did not like to hear that.
QUOTE]

I think one thing that maybe you can do is to agree that her body is hers, HOWEVER, in a marriage to share yourself with your spouse is a commitment you have made.

 

[DaveKerwin]

gary, would she say she feels very valuable and cherished by you? I know you mentioned that flowers do not automatically do anything. But perhaps her issues go much deeper than you are giving attention to. Perhaps she is not attracted to you or something. I would not be so quick to blame her for not reacting to you anymore. I don't think that passionate kissing is only for the unmarried, that is insane. Maybe she needs to see how much you care for her. Maybe you just need to groom yourself more and get a new shirt. These are only things that you can know.

I suggest marital counceling by a christian, or at least a few heart to hearts with your wife where you two get REAL honest with each other.

And as Eveningmist said, a lot can change with a woman's hormones change. This could be a birth control thing, a pregnancy thing, post pregnancy thing, and so on. This may be a physical issue in her body where her desires have changed. But counceling will help bring this stuff to the surface if you feel you cannot get to the bottom of it.

 

[selune]

for what it's worth...just read this on the marriagebed.com, could this be part of the problem, you mentioned early that things were different before you became Christians, maybe it's similar for your wife as a from before marriage thing?


"We think a major part of this is that most women really don't want to be sexual before they marry. Sure, their bodies are pushing them for it, and they may get some pleasure out of it (although many do not), but most of them know deep down inside that it's just not right. So why are so many "good Christian girls" so easily persuaded to go at least "part way?" Because they don't think they have a choice. These young women have learned that many of their brothers in Christ will not continue to date a girl who does not "put out." There are exceptions, but the sad reality is that many men who say they follow Jesus want and expect to be taken to climax by a woman they are "serious" about. The perception is that a woman has very little chance of getting married is she does not give out some free samples. If the choice is "let him feel me up" or "stay home every Friday and Saturday night," you can see why a young lady might allow something she does not want to do. If the choice is "take care of him with my hand" or "still be single at thirty" you can see why a woman might do something she does not want to do.

There is a second problem that goes hand in hand with this. Because she is doing something she does not want to do, the young lady is likely to feel she cannot say no to anything. So she not only does what she feels is wrong as a single woman, she also does things she finds distasteful - things she would not want to do even if she were married. This creates a great deal of resentment in the woman, and this resentment will be vented on her husband after she marries. And once she is married, the woman may decide to stop doing things she just does not like. This leads to resentment in the husband, who feels like he has been the victim of "bait and switch."

I hope maybe this will help in the understanding of what may be going on for your wife and can help you both get past resenting each other, and communicating what you like and dislike. Still praying for you.

 

[ceres]

You said she has an older woman in church that helps her. Are you sure the lady is really helping her? Some, er, older Christians have much more conservative views on sex and maybe the older lady thinks that oral sex is wrong. I personally don't think it is wrong but it is a comfort thing so if she just doesn't feel comfortable that's different than being made to feel like she isn't serving God.