Making Changes

[dellinw]

I lost my husband almost 11months ago. We were married for 43 yrs. This has been a very hard time for me. I realized last night that I have to make some changes if I am going to heal. My husband was a firefighter and developed a lung disease from fighting fire without an airpact back in the 80's. I looked up from the computer and looked at the walls in my office. All of his firefighting memorabillia was hanging on the walls. It was like a shrine to him. So, today I have made a start by removing the items, filling in the holes and painting. Now I will hang something for myself. \
Have any of you faced this problem? I still havent done anything with his clothes etc. but I now think I am able to face this task. I feel like it was the good lord impressing me to start with these changes if I expect to start healing, and I do want to be happy again. Please keep me in your prayers.
Helen

 

[moviegal]

praying for you, I too lost my husband about
11 months ago, its been a journey of one day at a time,
I received stephen ministry booklets, you can order
them online at the website, stephens ministry
that have 3mths at a time in first year of grief,
even though you are 11 mths along, they still help!
takes time to get ready to make changes, and
some do it as is, when you are ready, I couldnt stand
to look at my closet full of his clothes, so bagged them
up and put them in another room, unfornately I did'
that alone, so when my oldest daughter came up
who is married to a Pastor, she had trouble with
that, it was upsetting for her to see, since she
was choosing shirts for a baby quilt, actually we all
had a rough time, her dad was a Postal Carrier,
( had become the only carrier in our small town
after 16 years of being on with others, due to
two retirements, and one injured, he wasn't helped
for a long time by management- part of my forgiveness I am struggling with still) and she had our first grandbaby
the week before he passed, so very emotional
the baby was baptised last may, and he had
a massive heart attack the day baby baptised
we spent the day at church and came home, and
he passed that night. we were married 33 years
- our other daughter had been married in feb,
so it was rough on all. I managed to give some things
away, but his computer room is still set up with postal stuff... don't know if i will change it, the garage
has marine stuff, he was a former marine as well.
take your time, and maybe talk to the fire department
they may want your memorabilia, I gave his marine
jacket to the local museum and donating a postal
uniform as well...the library got his collection of war videos, he was a civil war buff, and books.
seemed appropriate, later on the librarian told me the men in the area were thrilled, to watch what he had
had in his collection, and this way it was of use,
and given in his memory. Can also go to griefshare.com
for daily uplifting emails for those of christian faith and grieving and recieve them in your email, have done that for 11 mths now, they give a years worth..
God bless'

 

[UncleDave]

Hi Helen,

It's funny you should bring this up, because I was just thinking the same thing lately. My beloved Donna passed away last March, so it has been a little over 13 months, and I've been feeling the need to "move on" as they say.

In our family room, I have some of our wedding photos and a large portrait of her, among other family pictures. I may shuffle things around at some point, but for now I find them comforting. My son has a picture of the three of us above his bed, and he wants to keep it there forever. So I don't think of our house as a shrine, but if I were to re-marry (never say never) I might be obligated to change things.

I also have not done anything with her clothes, and it's probably time I did. I just don't think about it except when I'm in our room, ready for bed and too tired to start another project. I am just so used to things being where they are that I just don't think about it. At some point I will have to, just to get it done and out of the way.

For some reason, with the onset of Spring, I am feeling very down in the dumps. I have been missing Donna very much lately. I've been busy again having work done on the house and working in the yard, but instead of keeping my mind off missing her, I find that I am longing for her to be there to share these things with.

Doe anyone else sometimes feel guilty for wanting to move forward?

 

[JeanR]

Cleaning out things is very emotional. I had to clean out Terry's closet in February because I was putting the house up for sale and I didn't want strangers going into his things. I was not ready to do this and it knocked me off my feet. Cleaning out his closet was like burying him all over again. February was also our wedding anniversary and I was notified that the state had accepted the estate paperwork. Everything hit at once and I fell hard. I'm feeling better now, but it was difficult. This is a long way of saying, take your time and do it when you are ready.

I guess in a way I have moved on because I did move into a townhouse. I couldn't handle a big house anymore and downsized. It was emotional, but it has worked out. In a way I have not moved on because I cry everyday. It has been 18 months since Terry's sudden homegoing and I miss him so much. He had a wonderful laugh and he was very affectionate. He always held my hand or had his arms around me. His hugs were so wonderful.

One day at a time, right?

 

[HighLonesome]

There is no magic time in the grief process . . . don't worry if it has been 18 days or 18 months and you haven't changed anything or cleaned anything out. There is no set time limit and just do it when you are comfortable with the task. Realize that friends move on first followed closely by extended family. But as the surviving spouse, we deal with it every day! I am slowly going through her items and I'll eventually get it done, I came to the realization that it isn't a race. Eventually it'll go from being our house to my house . . . it has to. Healing takes place every day whether we notice it or not, it becomes easier to cope, we don't cry as often or for as long when we do, and although we still struggle through each day, we find we win more often that we lose. Please don't get caught up in the guilt either, it is all part of our Lord's plan and one day we'll be called home and they'll all be there waiting to greet us.

 

[c1ners]

Cleaning out my Dannys stuff didn't take him out of my heart. You can clean all you want, but when you love a spouse with all your heart and soul and you lose them, your heart will never get cleaned out. They will be there forever.

 

[theoneleftbehind]

The cleaning I can understand but I can't get my head around the taking down of photos if anything I've put more up its just three weeks since my Diane went to the Lord. Most of you are allot further down the line than I am but I don't want to get over her she's not a rash. she was my reason to get up in the morning she was the reason I was put on this plant to look after her and give her all the love she deserved (she used to say it was too much sometimes) and to be honest I hope I never get to a point of taking her photos down it would be like getting divorced sorry to ramble on Andy

 

[profmom]

The one thing I've learned through this process is that there is no one way to do any of it. You just have to learn to follow your gut. I went through my Dan's things fairly early on because I didn't want to walk into our closet every day and see his jeans there. I gave away many of his special things - I gave his motorcycle helmet and gloves to his brother (he also has our motorcycle) but I kept Dan's leather jacket. I've kept pictures up around the house, but I've moved them around a bit. I will never take all of them down. Even if there were to some day be someone else (ha!), some pics of my Dan would remain. Not all but some. He was a brief part of my life but a very special part. We were only married 11 months but those were terrific times.

 

[theoneleftbehind]

I'm so sorry for you I was married to Diane for 16 years the first year and a half was spent just getting used to each other we nearly had a mental bond that went past love it was that we where two halfs of one person i did give some of her things to very close family but they must never sell them I know she is near by I can feel her with me God bless you

 

[pammie54]

High lonesome
Amen dear brother!!