Making Amends to Myself

[madison1101]

I am Trish, and I am an alcoholic. I have made amends to my ex-hsband and my children. I did a ton of emotional damage during my marriage, and my kids were caught in the crossfire. My kids love me, and we have a terrific relationship. My ex and I get along well, and I even visit him and his wife when my children visit and stay with them. My problem is, I can't seem to forgive myself.

My guilt and shame flare up when I have to cross paths with my ex. I can't seem to let go, and forgive myself.

I wonder if anyone else has any experience, strength and hope they can share with me on this aspect of amends.

Trish

 

[BlessEwe]

Hi Trish, how are you?

There are still things that pop up, and I find that I feel like a idiot for a while . I think its normal. Sorta like Grief of what we did while in our addiction. I also feel that we are like a onion with many layers being peeled off one by one and getting exposed to the light. So it may take some time. I found this for you.

Five Steps to Forgiving Yourself with Dr. Phil McGraw
Dr.Phil Dr. Phil says that you have the power to be miserable the rest of your life. Or, you can say, "I'm going to give myself the permission to heal." You have to decide whether you're going to define a new relationship with yourself and remove the roadblocks that are blocking your path to living your best life.

Step One: Reopen your heart and mind again.
When you are faced with terrible pain, your heart and mind slam shut. Opening yourself up again is a choice in terms of how you contextualize what happened to you. It allows you to say, "I am willing to consider that there is another way to adjust."

Step Two: Choose to love yourself again.
Guilt is a wastebasket term that we use to cover everything negative and bad. One defining factor of guilt is that we commit the ultimate betrayal: abandoning ourselves. If you can't love yourself, you won't be able to heal yourself.

Step Three: Confront and demystify your guilt.
Most people have the misconception that our depth of grief reflects the level of love for the person we've lost. It's not a betrayal of your loved one to go past the pain and deal with it in a different way. Demystifying the guilt means understanding the fear.

Step Four: Give yourself permission to heal.
Part of forgiving yourself is understanding that you don't have to be punished. Give yourself permission to let go of the pain. If you have a wounded heart, you can't give good and pure love to anyone else.

Step Five: Actively create new relationships.
If you've been unable to forgive yourself, it's possible that you've been holding yourself up to unrealistic expectations. You need to decide whether you want to continue living in pain. Once you've made that decision, you need to create a new relationship with yourself.

 

[If Not For Grace]

My problem is, I can't seem to forgive myself.

That is the enemey trying to trick you-telling you lies.

Open your mouth the The brain has to shut down. (this can be a good or bad thing) so when your brain lets these thoughts in SPEAK to your feelings.

Jesus died for any sin you committed & repented for--so ifyou keep taking ownership of it, why did He have to die or what do you need Jesus for?
If you can't forgive you it's almost a form of pride. BlessEwe is right, you don't get to punish you. Think of your children, I'm sure at some point they did wrong but you love em anyway & when they caome to you & say "you know I was stupid when I said/did ____" You will smile & be pleased with their growth. So it is with God. Realize that you have grown & will not make the same mistakes twice. Good for you!
Now know the bill is paid & Tell the devil, that the fact that God has forgiven us is one of the reasons we love Him so and forgitaboutit.

Trish you are doing great--isn't it good to get a second chance?

 

[Chaplain David]

I am Trish, and I am an alcoholic. I have made amends to my ex-hsband and my children. I did a ton of emotional damage during my marriage, and my kids were caught in the crossfire. My kids love me, and we have a terrific relationship. My ex and I get along well, and I even visit him and his wife when my children visit and stay with them. My problem is, I can't seem to forgive myself.

My guilt and shame flare up when I have to cross paths with my ex. I can't seem to let go, and forgive myself.

I wonder if anyone else has any experience, strength and hope they can share with me on this aspect of amends.

Trish

There is nothing like the twelve steps for what ails an alcoholic. I'm in and out of these forums so I may not be up to speed but the last thing I saw was that you hadn't completed working the steps. You may have moved ahead but weren't you on the 4th?

Let go and let God. The 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous under the guidance of a good sponsor and of course our higher power who most of us choose to call God will work miracles in your life. For most of us there's wreckage of the past but it will be taken care of, dealt with, and gotten rid of or at least made peace with.

It's normal to feel the way that you do and I can relate on many levels. If we were at a meeting together and you talked, saying what you said in your post, I might say what I just said and then later ask the question, "What does your sponsor say about it?" My sponsors have always been my real time lifelines. They seem to have the innate ability to reduce what seems like an insurmountable problem into it's lowest common denominator. Or, they might just say, keep praying about it or tell you to read something in the Big Book or 12 and 12. God bless.

 

[madison1101]

There is nothing like the twelve steps for what ails an alcoholic. I'm in and out of these forums so I may not be up to speed but the last thing I saw was that you hadn't completed working the steps. You may have moved ahead but weren't you on the 4th?

Let go and let God. The 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous under the guidance of a good sponsor and of course our higher power who most of us choose to call God will work miracles in your life. For most of us there's wreckage of the past but it will be taken care of, dealt with, and gotten rid of or at least made peace with.

It's normal to feel the way that you do and I can relate on many levels. If we were at a meeting together and you talked, saying what you said in your post, I might say what I just said and then later ask the question, "What does your sponsor say about it?" My sponsors have always been my real time lifelines. They seem to have the innate ability to reduce what seems like an insurmountable problem into it's lowest common denominator. Or, they might just say, keep praying about it or tell you to read something in the Big Book or 12 and 12. God bless.

I have made my amends, and now work 10, 11, and 12 daily. I talked to my sponsor about my struggle to forgive myself when the shame flares up. All she said is that she related, and that it takes time to let go, and forgive myself.

I am in psychotherapy, and have been for 22 years. I have been divorced for over 10 years. My kids are gracious and forgiving. My son told me the reason he is able to forgive me is that I have taken responsibility for what I did when he was younger. He said his father won't take responsibility, and that puts a wedge between them.

I hope this makes sense.

Trish

 

[Chaplain David]

I have made my amends, and now work 10, 11, and 12 daily. I talked to my sponsor about my struggle to forgive myself when the shame flares up. All she said is that she related, and that it takes time to let go, and forgive myself.

I am in psychotherapy, and have been for 22 years. I have been divorced for over 10 years. My kids are gracious and forgiving. My son told me the reason he is able to forgive me is that I have taken responsibility for what I did when he was younger. He said his father won't take responsibility, and that puts a wedge between them.

I hope this makes sense.

Trish

Well I was sure wrong there. Congratulations on getting through the steps. It really does make sense and we have a lot in common in terms of what we're doing in our sobriety to grow. I am very close to a man who has about 7 years of sobriety. He got treated like a dog by his ex wife before the divorce and he needed to spend months in treatment. But he made it and has just a tinge of resentment left. He's also remarried to a fantastic women and they just celebrated their 3rd anniversary. I'm not telling you this because there are many parallels to your situation. But your stories have a couple things in common. He was a bad alcoholic and acted like bad alcoholics do. But she was a real piece of cake who acted in ways that I can't put on the forum they are so disgusting. He's made peace with everything and has forgiven himself for his part in the mess. I know he has some residual feelings but we're human and will never be perfect in this life yet we do strive for perfection I'm going to ask him about it, how he got to this place of acceptance and forgiveness. Then I'll share it with you and probably put it to good use myself.

I have a situation where a relationship went sour and I was hurt very badly. I acted badly as well. I have not completely forgiven myself but am making progress due to time, relying on the Lord, really trying to do His will, working the steps, and seeing the best therapist in the world to help me get rid of the rest of the wreckage of the past. If I can't get rid of it I know it can at least be neutralized so it does not adversely affect me anymore.

I think there are certain feelings that we may never get over. But at a minimum, because of the grace of God and the power of AA we can overcome these former barriers and even use them to our advantage. They are especially valuable when working with others because we have the experiential base that the new person or even older person in the program can relate to because we've been there. I don't know whether I helped. But God will, and has, and AA will, and has, and I have complete faith that both will continue to make us the best people we can be.

God bless you.

 

[If Not For Grace]

When Satan Reminds you of your past Remind him of his Future

is one of my quotes that I use whenever I find my feelings (which are not fact & should not control me) are "lying" to me, & trying to drag me down.