God has instructed me to share this true story of being deceived of the identity of God so that people can avoid it happening to them (which i see happening to a lot of people). Rather than this being a story of how I held fast to Christ and how you should do so as well, this is a humiliating example of what you should NOT do in hopes following Christ. I strongly feel like we need to identify and correct actions of self-desire and reveal real accounts of deceit that should not be present alongside Christ. This writing does not need to have the Word of God identified or validated within it, for this is more so about what isnt His Word. Keep in mind that when this was happening, I had NO knowledge of the scripture or the Word of God.
I was broke and couldnt afford to pay for general costs of college so I started pawning everything I owned. I was left with my laptop, resonator guitar, and a couple outfits, a Blind Willie Johnson CD, and my phone. So one night I sat alone in my room trying to learn the ethereal sound of Blind Willie, for I had nothing else to do. I loved his guitar style, but I really wasnt fond of his lyrics seeing as he was a gospel singer. I was failing in school and I was upset at the loss of purpose in my life.
I believed that I obeyed God to the best of my abilities most of my life which gave me purpose. However I was very skeptical of the Bible and Jesus. I put my faith in God alone without ever listening to him or his word or son. I couldnt do it because everything I was told to believe was told or written by man, and I have no faith in men.
I always felt like I was avoiding corruption by ignoring the Bible and rejecting religion. But when I rejected God to save a relationship, I felt that I had passed the point of now return. I sat there and thought about Gods past involvement in my life for hours.
I used to be so determined to accept nothing but God himself. And no matter what happened in life, He would always help me out at the last minute if I asked Him to. I believed that I was strong enough to stand on my own and not constantly require His presences, so I often prayed for His to be with people who really needed Him while I took care of myself. I was a child of God and therefore didnt need help 24/7. To me, Jesus didnt matter, and infact I viewed him as a false idol in my eyes. I knew not to worship a man! And that man had infiltrated religion and corrupted everything! Life of devotion to God was easier when the image of what I never could be wasnt dangled in front of me.
Here were these stories of a man who was the only Son of God and the only sinless man to walk the Earth, and I was nothing? Well I rejected him for it! Was I not a Child of God too? Wasnt I capable of resisting sin and temptation? I even spent a lot of time trying to get people to leave Jesus and turn to God and repent. For if Jesus was meant to be an example, couldnt I be one? And besides, killing Gods son in order to be forgiven of sin was the dumbest thing I had ever heard.
God never corrected me, never chastened me, never punished me and I was trying to prove that Jesus was a false idol to people. I felt like God loved me for rejecting Jesus to keep my eyes on God. I didnt want the easy way out of my sins, I wanted to pay for my sins, and I was sure I had none for the longest time. But when I was lazy and didnt do my homework, it was my duty to take a 0 instead of try to do it at the last minute or even cheat. I punished myself so God didnt have to.
Recalling all these things alone in my dorm, I realized that I had become an abomination: I wasnt a virgin, I lived with a partner I wasnt married to, I drank and smoked, I cheated and lied, and I denied that God was ever a part of my life! Back in the day, I told God that heaven was not a promise that I needed to be faithful in Him. And now I had none of my material things, no purpose or purity, and no God. God was everything to me, but he was not a forgiving God. He supported my competition with Jesus because I was succeeding to be obedient and loyal to him. But now I had no God.
After listening to Blind Willies message of Jesus and forgiveness, and his supernatural ability to express faith with his guitar, I began to think that maybe there was really something behind Jesus life. In one of Willies songs, he asks, answer if you can! Just what exactly is the Soul of a man? I had no idea! And in another song he said, Mother she taught me how to read, if I dont read my soul will be lost. I hadnt read the Bible before, and I didnt know what exactly the soul of a man was. It become a terrible sinking feeling in my stomach! Not only was I an abomination with nothing to live for, but I might not even have a soul anymore!
Oh man, did I every bawl and gnash my teeth! It was over for me, I gave into sin and temptation and lost my life, my god, and my soul! This is when Christ came into my life, in which I became a babbling fool who continued to fight Him.
I AM NOT PROUD OF HOW I TOOK HIS SUDDEN APPEARANCE
IN MY LIFE, AND IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO CONFESS THE EVENTS
THAT TAKE PLACE AFTERWARD
BUT I WILL NOT PRETEND THESE THINGS DID NOT HAPPEN
In that night, after my soul was made unknown to me, I heard Willie sing, If your enemies assail, and your heart begins to fail, and your soul is almost shaken in despair, well in despair. He will make a way for you and Hell lead you safely through! TAKE YOUR BURDENS TO THE LORD AND LEAVE THEM THERE. It was then that I decided to ask Jesus to come into my life, that is if He was actually capable of doing so. Then I heard a voice tell me to write it down, so I did.
Now you have to understand that Jesus was my rival, and the parts of me that didnt deny Him actually despised Him. All I knew was that I might be able to give my burdens and worries to Him and He would keep them for me. Though not word for word, I wrote:
I want you to be who they say you are! I need your help and I dont know what to do. You know what really burdens me that I wish you would take away? You! I NEED you so badly in my life, but you know I cant accept you just because Im supposed to. I hate to admit it but its true. If you were here right now turning water into wine, I wouldnt live this way! What the hell am I supposed to do about that?! I cant just trust you, what if youre a liar? Ill sure die then! God sent you here over 2000 years about to save us, and they killed you! Even still you came back to confirm that our sins were forgiven and we were saved. But you know me, and you know I need more that that to believe you. Why wasnt I there to see you? Its not fair! If I was there, I would have followed you off a cliff if you asked me to! But I wasnt there, and now I have to assume you WERE lying! If you werent lying I wouldnt be here wondering why you havent saved me and why you revealed yourself to a couple people and never to me, when you know that I need proof. God showed me that He is Lord, but you were man, and youre dead and you cant help me like God used to do for me. You died of the cross.. Is that it?! If thats your plan to help me, I will forever be lost. I know I shouldnt ask you to prove yourself, I should have faith in you. But I dont, and I cant help it. But if you proved yourself to me and saved me, I would do ANYTHING for you. Please dont leave me behind any longer..
That was the burden I wanted Him to lift from me, so that maybe I could follow Him. Then He revealed to me all the times He was there for me, and how many times I rejected him for a foreign God! I didnt know he was a foreign god! Then he revealed his intentions to bring be back home to the Father.
It was Him that came and washed away all that I owned and loved in life, except for a gospel CD and a guitar! He knew that my obsession with playing guitar could quietly open the door for Him to come into my life. I was amazed! He was actually a part of my life before I was even ready to accept Him as my Savior!
Then he had me run my lighter across the strings of my guitar and I began to play Dark Was the Night Cold Was the Ground, which is a song about his crucifixion with moaning instead of words. No one had been able to play that song like Willie was able to, but 80 years later people stopped on the sidewalk to silently listen to me play it. And when I listened to the song in my car with friends, I was able to tell the story of His crucifixion and resurrection in perfect timing with the song, and it baffled many of my friends and family.
He did it! He proved He was Lord and saved me like He said He would. But things got much worse after that happened. I eventually stopped confessing Jesus as my savior, and developed of focal point of the enemy and his war with God.
That night, Christ revealed God the Father to me like I never knew Him before. For the first time I could actually tell He was here and not hidden from me, and I could sense the Holy Spirit within me. When I was doing as God had intended, or when events outside of my grasp occurred for His Will, the Holy Ghost would make it known to me. But this Spirit was not within me before I accepted Christ, therefore I placed all the loss I endured to be caused by satan because I was becoming intimate with Christ.
BIG MISTAKE MADE HERE! CHRIST BECAME MY RIVAL AGAIN
THE HOLY GHOSTS PRECESNCE LED ME TO FEEL UNIQUE
BECAUSE I HAD NOT READ THE BIBLE AND DIDNT KNOW
So that was it for Christ in my life. He had died for my sins and lifted my burdens and therefore His job was done in my eyes. So I began to view Him as a rival again and believed that God and called me to take up where Jesus failed. Ooooohhhhh this was bad!
Not only did I forget Christ, but I forgot about the foreign god He identified.
I had been saved by Christ and the Holy Spirit came upon me and God the Father was revealed to me and the false god was I made aware of. As far as I was concerned I had been reborn and forgiven completely for my sins. I was under the impressions that I was no longer held accountable for what I had done, so I began to push Christ out of my life again. I was unaware (until about 4 months later) that the Holy Ghost was not with me anymore, but instead it was just me rejecting Jesus once again! I lost the ability to identify God in my life and was greatly mislead!
I was now being punished for my sins which I was still accountable for, but I was completely unaware of them! I didnt believe that God chastises his people, which he does in order to correct and rebuild you into what He wants you to be. Why would I? God didnt punish me before I accepted Jesus, why would he now?
I thought that the enemy was spiritually and physically attacking me because of my new role that God had for me! I was tired of the city at this point so I believed that God wanted me to build Him a city that would withstand the end of the world so that I could rule the coming kingom (which I was going to build)! So when things didnt work out and I would loose family, or car would break, ect., I thought satan was trying to stop me form building the Kingdom of God.
(WHEN THE HOLY GHOST LEFT ME AND WAS REPLACED BY ANOTHER
I BEGAN SMOKING MARIJUANNA, BECAUSE THE SPIRIT
WAS TELLING ME THAT I WOULD BE MORE WILLING TO
LISTEN TO GOD IF I WAS HIGH)
I have not even gotten half way through the story, but I feel like I should stop it here to explain some of the issues that I did not see before. I have since been reading the Bible diligently and speaking with multiple churches to verify certain things.
One thing that was true was my acceptance of Christ into my life. I was unaware that by doing this you are baptized by the Holy Ghost and given spiritual gifts to help you edify the church. The church is the Body of Christ formed by the disciples of Christ with various gifts to act as one.
However, the dominant gift with which I received was the gift of discernment of spirits, and I had no idea that it was allowing me to sense the Holy Spirit, Jesus Christ, and God the Father. The enemy deceived me, and made it look like satan was attacking me for my righteousness. And the Holy Spirit was not in me anymore for I began denying Christ just as I was before I accepted.
This makes it clear that the foreign god Christ identified was a deceiver pretending to be God to use me to rebuke Christ! And that the attacks against me from the enemy for righteousness were, in all actuality, God the refining fire removing the specs and trying to purify me! So I was rejecting Jesus Christ and prayed from God to protect me from the enemy. I was actually praying to God asking HIM as MY ENEMY to leave me alone! I never put it that way, but that is what I was effectively doing under the deception.
Now Im not quite sure, but I believe the Body of Christ (disciples as one) is also a taste of the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth. So by being baptized by Holy Ghost and accepting Christ and using spiritual gifts to edify and act as one with others grants you access to the invisible Kingdom where many are joined by the Holy Ghost. (I do not know if this is scripturally correct, PLEASE point it out if it is not correct so that I dont deceive anyone) Therefore there was in all actuality, no City of God for me to build or rule, because the Kingdom is bestowed on you as a disciple. So I was made completely blind to the Body of Christ in which I should edify.
One of the commands that Jesus gives in the New Testement is to deny yourself and your will to perform and understand Gods Will. I did not know that Jesus wanted me to do that when I first accepted Him into my life! Had I known that, Im sure I could have avoided the deception that caused me to do evil unknowingly. So by not accepting Christ early on, the deceiver was able to disguise himself as god and convince me Christ was false. This, if you recall, prevented me from reading the Bible, so I was completely unaware of the things that I really should have known of already!
I HOPE THIS TRUE STORY OF MY CONVERSION WILL HELP YOU
UNDERSTAND SOME OF THE WAYS YOU CAN BE DECIEVED
AND TRICKED INTO ATTACKING YOUR SAVIOR AND FATHER
BE VERY CAREFUL WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THE ENEMY IS ATTACKING
BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE FORGIVEN IN THE CRUCIFIXION
YOU ARE STILL ACCOUNTABLE, AND GOD WITH CHASTEN YOU AS HIS CHILD IN HOPES TO MAKE YOU MORE LIKE CHRIST
THIS WAS NOT MEANT TO GIVE INSIGHT ON HOW TO RECEIVE GIFTS
OR ENTER THE KINGDOM, OR ANTHING LIKE THAT
BUT TO REMIND YOU TO READ THE BIBLE AND BE PREPARED
I was broke and couldnt afford to pay for general costs of college so I started pawning everything I owned. I was left with my laptop, resonator guitar, and a couple outfits, a Blind Willie Johnson CD, and my phone. So one night I sat alone in my room trying to learn the ethereal sound of Blind Willie, for I had nothing else to do. I loved his guitar style, but I really wasnt fond of his lyrics seeing as he was a gospel singer. I was failing in school and I was upset at the loss of purpose in my life.
I believed that I obeyed God to the best of my abilities most of my life which gave me purpose. However I was very skeptical of the Bible and Jesus. I put my faith in God alone without ever listening to him or his word or son. I couldnt do it because everything I was told to believe was told or written by man, and I have no faith in men.
I always felt like I was avoiding corruption by ignoring the Bible and rejecting religion. But when I rejected God to save a relationship, I felt that I had passed the point of now return. I sat there and thought about Gods past involvement in my life for hours.
I used to be so determined to accept nothing but God himself. And no matter what happened in life, He would always help me out at the last minute if I asked Him to. I believed that I was strong enough to stand on my own and not constantly require His presences, so I often prayed for His to be with people who really needed Him while I took care of myself. I was a child of God and therefore didnt need help 24/7. To me, Jesus didnt matter, and infact I viewed him as a false idol in my eyes. I knew not to worship a man! And that man had infiltrated religion and corrupted everything! Life of devotion to God was easier when the image of what I never could be wasnt dangled in front of me.
Here were these stories of a man who was the only Son of God and the only sinless man to walk the Earth, and I was nothing? Well I rejected him for it! Was I not a Child of God too? Wasnt I capable of resisting sin and temptation? I even spent a lot of time trying to get people to leave Jesus and turn to God and repent. For if Jesus was meant to be an example, couldnt I be one? And besides, killing Gods son in order to be forgiven of sin was the dumbest thing I had ever heard.
God never corrected me, never chastened me, never punished me and I was trying to prove that Jesus was a false idol to people. I felt like God loved me for rejecting Jesus to keep my eyes on God. I didnt want the easy way out of my sins, I wanted to pay for my sins, and I was sure I had none for the longest time. But when I was lazy and didnt do my homework, it was my duty to take a 0 instead of try to do it at the last minute or even cheat. I punished myself so God didnt have to.
Recalling all these things alone in my dorm, I realized that I had become an abomination: I wasnt a virgin, I lived with a partner I wasnt married to, I drank and smoked, I cheated and lied, and I denied that God was ever a part of my life! Back in the day, I told God that heaven was not a promise that I needed to be faithful in Him. And now I had none of my material things, no purpose or purity, and no God. God was everything to me, but he was not a forgiving God. He supported my competition with Jesus because I was succeeding to be obedient and loyal to him. But now I had no God.
After listening to Blind Willies message of Jesus and forgiveness, and his supernatural ability to express faith with his guitar, I began to think that maybe there was really something behind Jesus life. In one of Willies songs, he asks, answer if you can! Just what exactly is the Soul of a man? I had no idea! And in another song he said, Mother she taught me how to read, if I dont read my soul will be lost. I hadnt read the Bible before, and I didnt know what exactly the soul of a man was. It become a terrible sinking feeling in my stomach! Not only was I an abomination with nothing to live for, but I might not even have a soul anymore!
Oh man, did I every bawl and gnash my teeth! It was over for me, I gave into sin and temptation and lost my life, my god, and my soul! This is when Christ came into my life, in which I became a babbling fool who continued to fight Him.
I AM NOT PROUD OF HOW I TOOK HIS SUDDEN APPEARANCE
IN MY LIFE, AND IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO CONFESS THE EVENTS
THAT TAKE PLACE AFTERWARD
BUT I WILL NOT PRETEND THESE THINGS DID NOT HAPPEN
In that night, after my soul was made unknown to me, I heard Willie sing, If your enemies assail, and your heart begins to fail, and your soul is almost shaken in despair, well in despair. He will make a way for you and Hell lead you safely through! TAKE YOUR BURDENS TO THE LORD AND LEAVE THEM THERE. It was then that I decided to ask Jesus to come into my life, that is if He was actually capable of doing so. Then I heard a voice tell me to write it down, so I did.
Now you have to understand that Jesus was my rival, and the parts of me that didnt deny Him actually despised Him. All I knew was that I might be able to give my burdens and worries to Him and He would keep them for me. Though not word for word, I wrote:
I want you to be who they say you are! I need your help and I dont know what to do. You know what really burdens me that I wish you would take away? You! I NEED you so badly in my life, but you know I cant accept you just because Im supposed to. I hate to admit it but its true. If you were here right now turning water into wine, I wouldnt live this way! What the hell am I supposed to do about that?! I cant just trust you, what if youre a liar? Ill sure die then! God sent you here over 2000 years about to save us, and they killed you! Even still you came back to confirm that our sins were forgiven and we were saved. But you know me, and you know I need more that that to believe you. Why wasnt I there to see you? Its not fair! If I was there, I would have followed you off a cliff if you asked me to! But I wasnt there, and now I have to assume you WERE lying! If you werent lying I wouldnt be here wondering why you havent saved me and why you revealed yourself to a couple people and never to me, when you know that I need proof. God showed me that He is Lord, but you were man, and youre dead and you cant help me like God used to do for me. You died of the cross.. Is that it?! If thats your plan to help me, I will forever be lost. I know I shouldnt ask you to prove yourself, I should have faith in you. But I dont, and I cant help it. But if you proved yourself to me and saved me, I would do ANYTHING for you. Please dont leave me behind any longer..
That was the burden I wanted Him to lift from me, so that maybe I could follow Him. Then He revealed to me all the times He was there for me, and how many times I rejected him for a foreign God! I didnt know he was a foreign god! Then he revealed his intentions to bring be back home to the Father.
It was Him that came and washed away all that I owned and loved in life, except for a gospel CD and a guitar! He knew that my obsession with playing guitar could quietly open the door for Him to come into my life. I was amazed! He was actually a part of my life before I was even ready to accept Him as my Savior!
Then he had me run my lighter across the strings of my guitar and I began to play Dark Was the Night Cold Was the Ground, which is a song about his crucifixion with moaning instead of words. No one had been able to play that song like Willie was able to, but 80 years later people stopped on the sidewalk to silently listen to me play it. And when I listened to the song in my car with friends, I was able to tell the story of His crucifixion and resurrection in perfect timing with the song, and it baffled many of my friends and family.
He did it! He proved He was Lord and saved me like He said He would. But things got much worse after that happened. I eventually stopped confessing Jesus as my savior, and developed of focal point of the enemy and his war with God.
That night, Christ revealed God the Father to me like I never knew Him before. For the first time I could actually tell He was here and not hidden from me, and I could sense the Holy Spirit within me. When I was doing as God had intended, or when events outside of my grasp occurred for His Will, the Holy Ghost would make it known to me. But this Spirit was not within me before I accepted Christ, therefore I placed all the loss I endured to be caused by satan because I was becoming intimate with Christ.
BIG MISTAKE MADE HERE! CHRIST BECAME MY RIVAL AGAIN
THE HOLY GHOSTS PRECESNCE LED ME TO FEEL UNIQUE
BECAUSE I HAD NOT READ THE BIBLE AND DIDNT KNOW
So that was it for Christ in my life. He had died for my sins and lifted my burdens and therefore His job was done in my eyes. So I began to view Him as a rival again and believed that God and called me to take up where Jesus failed. Ooooohhhhh this was bad!
Not only did I forget Christ, but I forgot about the foreign god He identified.
I had been saved by Christ and the Holy Spirit came upon me and God the Father was revealed to me and the false god was I made aware of. As far as I was concerned I had been reborn and forgiven completely for my sins. I was under the impressions that I was no longer held accountable for what I had done, so I began to push Christ out of my life again. I was unaware (until about 4 months later) that the Holy Ghost was not with me anymore, but instead it was just me rejecting Jesus once again! I lost the ability to identify God in my life and was greatly mislead!
I was now being punished for my sins which I was still accountable for, but I was completely unaware of them! I didnt believe that God chastises his people, which he does in order to correct and rebuild you into what He wants you to be. Why would I? God didnt punish me before I accepted Jesus, why would he now?
I thought that the enemy was spiritually and physically attacking me because of my new role that God had for me! I was tired of the city at this point so I believed that God wanted me to build Him a city that would withstand the end of the world so that I could rule the coming kingom (which I was going to build)! So when things didnt work out and I would loose family, or car would break, ect., I thought satan was trying to stop me form building the Kingdom of God.
(WHEN THE HOLY GHOST LEFT ME AND WAS REPLACED BY ANOTHER
I BEGAN SMOKING MARIJUANNA, BECAUSE THE SPIRIT
WAS TELLING ME THAT I WOULD BE MORE WILLING TO
LISTEN TO GOD IF I WAS HIGH)
I have not even gotten half way through the story, but I feel like I should stop it here to explain some of the issues that I did not see before. I have since been reading the Bible diligently and speaking with multiple churches to verify certain things.
One thing that was true was my acceptance of Christ into my life. I was unaware that by doing this you are baptized by the Holy Ghost and given spiritual gifts to help you edify the church. The church is the Body of Christ formed by the disciples of Christ with various gifts to act as one.
However, the dominant gift with which I received was the gift of discernment of spirits, and I had no idea that it was allowing me to sense the Holy Spirit, Jesus Christ, and God the Father. The enemy deceived me, and made it look like satan was attacking me for my righteousness. And the Holy Spirit was not in me anymore for I began denying Christ just as I was before I accepted.
This makes it clear that the foreign god Christ identified was a deceiver pretending to be God to use me to rebuke Christ! And that the attacks against me from the enemy for righteousness were, in all actuality, God the refining fire removing the specs and trying to purify me! So I was rejecting Jesus Christ and prayed from God to protect me from the enemy. I was actually praying to God asking HIM as MY ENEMY to leave me alone! I never put it that way, but that is what I was effectively doing under the deception.
Now Im not quite sure, but I believe the Body of Christ (disciples as one) is also a taste of the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth. So by being baptized by Holy Ghost and accepting Christ and using spiritual gifts to edify and act as one with others grants you access to the invisible Kingdom where many are joined by the Holy Ghost. (I do not know if this is scripturally correct, PLEASE point it out if it is not correct so that I dont deceive anyone) Therefore there was in all actuality, no City of God for me to build or rule, because the Kingdom is bestowed on you as a disciple. So I was made completely blind to the Body of Christ in which I should edify.
One of the commands that Jesus gives in the New Testement is to deny yourself and your will to perform and understand Gods Will. I did not know that Jesus wanted me to do that when I first accepted Him into my life! Had I known that, Im sure I could have avoided the deception that caused me to do evil unknowingly. So by not accepting Christ early on, the deceiver was able to disguise himself as god and convince me Christ was false. This, if you recall, prevented me from reading the Bible, so I was completely unaware of the things that I really should have known of already!
I HOPE THIS TRUE STORY OF MY CONVERSION WILL HELP YOU
UNDERSTAND SOME OF THE WAYS YOU CAN BE DECIEVED
AND TRICKED INTO ATTACKING YOUR SAVIOR AND FATHER
BE VERY CAREFUL WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THE ENEMY IS ATTACKING
BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE FORGIVEN IN THE CRUCIFIXION
YOU ARE STILL ACCOUNTABLE, AND GOD WITH CHASTEN YOU AS HIS CHILD IN HOPES TO MAKE YOU MORE LIKE CHRIST
THIS WAS NOT MEANT TO GIVE INSIGHT ON HOW TO RECEIVE GIFTS
OR ENTER THE KINGDOM, OR ANTHING LIKE THAT
BUT TO REMIND YOU TO READ THE BIBLE AND BE PREPARED
