Lutheran Jokes
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Studeclunker
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LOL, thanks for the laugh this morning.
I needed it!
My mother was on the kitchen commitee when I was a child. I remember one dinner the church had where she and two other ladies came out with carts of plates. They'd set a stack of plates and wrapped flatware at the end of each table and the people there would hand them down.
Unbeknownst to her, the first of those plates was being handed around. It caught up with her at the last table, covered with money. Mum just stared at it dumbfounded for a moment. Then she thumped it on the cart and went back into the kitchen mumbling something about 'Lutherans!'
I needed it!My mother was on the kitchen commitee when I was a child. I remember one dinner the church had where she and two other ladies came out with carts of plates. They'd set a stack of plates and wrapped flatware at the end of each table and the people there would hand them down.
Unbeknownst to her, the first of those plates was being handed around. It caught up with her at the last table, covered with money. Mum just stared at it dumbfounded for a moment. Then she thumped it on the cart and went back into the kitchen mumbling something about 'Lutherans!'
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Zecryphon
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LOL, thanks for the laugh this morning.
My mother was on the kitchen commitee when I was a child. I remember one dinner the church had where she and two other ladies came out with carts of plates. They'd set a stack of plates and wrapped flatware at the end of each table and the people there would hand them down.
Unbeknownst to her, the first of those plates was being handed around. It caught up with her at the last table, covered with money. Mum just stared at it dumbfounded for a moment. Then she thumped it on the cart and went back into the kitchen mumbling something about 'Lutherans!'
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Kalevalatar
Supisuomalainen sisupussi
An excellent thread!You know, in a lot of these jokes, you could substitute the word "Lutheran" with "Nordic/Fenno-Scandinavian (welfare states)" and be fine with it. For whatever the nay-sayers say & claim -- while still paying their church dues and remaining members -- claiming to attend "only" for christenings and funerals, marriages, confirmation, All Saints' Day, Christmas, Eastern, Midsummer, etc., this is how deeply Lutheranism is engraved into our society.
A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest, and a Jewish Rabbi debated how to divide the offertory, which part would go to the clercy, which part to God, to spread the Good News.
The Lutheran drew a chalk line across the aisle, threw out the money and said, to the right, to God, to the left, to clercy.
The Catholic followed suit and drew a circle onto the church floor, into which he poured the money: whatever fell outside would belong to God, while everything inside would go to the priest.
The Rabbi say, "Dear brothers, you give God no chance whatsoever. Therefore, I shall throw the money up into the air and say, "Lord, take what you need."
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alexnbethmom
Lutheran Chick
it's "show and tell" day at the local elementary school, and the theme for this week's show and tell is "your religion" (yes, i know, this is steeped in reality, LOL)....
so the first boy goes up to the front of the class and says "i'm Jewish, and this is my prayer shawl...."
a little girl goes up next, and says "i'm Catholic, and these are my rosary beads...."
a little boy then goes up to the front of the class and says, "i'm Lutheran, and this is my hot-dish...."
so the first boy goes up to the front of the class and says "i'm Jewish, and this is my prayer shawl...."
a little girl goes up next, and says "i'm Catholic, and these are my rosary beads...."
a little boy then goes up to the front of the class and says, "i'm Lutheran, and this is my hot-dish...."
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Well I must have missed something then. Maybe I jumped the gun but I have been arguing with Stephan/Loehe advocates this last few weeks and they are bashing Walther left and right.
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- Apr 26, 2006
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So I just bought a book today from a little family-run Swedish gift store a book entitled "You know you are a Lutheran if" So I'll be sure to post the good ones as I encounter them.
Great job folks, this is a really fun thread.
Great job folks, this is a really fun thread.
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You might be a steadfast Lutheran if...
...you know better than to question the pastor or synod hotshots openly even though Martin Luther sure would have if he were still alive.
...you know perfectly well why there is no Lutheran Church named "Good Works Lutheran"
...your pastor is about as flexible as a monument in the cemetery.
...you get suspicious when the pastor doesn't give one of his kids a biblical first name.
...you believe that any pastor's wife worth her salt can play the piano/flute-o-phone and will gladly do so for Sunday School and Ladies Aid and for any number of budding, or over-the-hill soloists.
...you crave beverages that come from a Watkins bottle.
...you wonder if the wine at the wedding of Cana had a grapejuice option
...you have uttered the phrases, "What does this mean?" "How is this done?" and "This is most certainly true" more times than you care to remember.
...you would rather have your offspring become a member of a concert choir at Augsburg, St. Olaf, Valpo, Concordia, Wartburg, Waldorf, Luther, Dana or Augustana than be either a millionaire or the President of the United States.
...you know who all the stained glass windows were given in memory of.
...you judge the purity of a congregation by the color of its hymnal.
...you can still remember all the arm movements to Away in a Manger.
...you know where Tanganyika, Zululand, North Borneo, Madagascar, and Norway are blindfolded but have no clue where Chicago, Las Vegas, and the state of Wyoming are.
...you truly believe that wafers are more sacred than hunks of bread for communion.
...you wish the politically-correct gender police would have left alone the Creed, Lord's Prayer, and good old standard hymns.
...you believe changing "the quick and the dead" to "the living and the dead" dumbed down the liturgy.
...you seriously feel your brain cannot take one more discussion about mergers, new hymnals, or the ecumenical movement.
...you have a Lutheran hymnal for every color of Joseph's coat.
...you know what page the hymn "Beautiful Savior" is on in the black, red, blue, green, Concordia and Youth Sings hymn books.
...the difference between hymnals and songbooks is whether the cover is hard or soft.
...liturgical phrases such as gloria in excelsis, gloria patri, sanctus, and agnus dei sound too Catholic.
...you remember where you were when you saw your first nun.
well that's enough of those for now. more another time.
...you know better than to question the pastor or synod hotshots openly even though Martin Luther sure would have if he were still alive.
...you know perfectly well why there is no Lutheran Church named "Good Works Lutheran"
...your pastor is about as flexible as a monument in the cemetery.
...you get suspicious when the pastor doesn't give one of his kids a biblical first name.
...you believe that any pastor's wife worth her salt can play the piano/flute-o-phone and will gladly do so for Sunday School and Ladies Aid and for any number of budding, or over-the-hill soloists.
...you crave beverages that come from a Watkins bottle.
...you wonder if the wine at the wedding of Cana had a grapejuice option
...you have uttered the phrases, "What does this mean?" "How is this done?" and "This is most certainly true" more times than you care to remember.
...you would rather have your offspring become a member of a concert choir at Augsburg, St. Olaf, Valpo, Concordia, Wartburg, Waldorf, Luther, Dana or Augustana than be either a millionaire or the President of the United States.
...you know who all the stained glass windows were given in memory of.
...you judge the purity of a congregation by the color of its hymnal.
...you can still remember all the arm movements to Away in a Manger.
...you know where Tanganyika, Zululand, North Borneo, Madagascar, and Norway are blindfolded but have no clue where Chicago, Las Vegas, and the state of Wyoming are.
...you truly believe that wafers are more sacred than hunks of bread for communion.
...you wish the politically-correct gender police would have left alone the Creed, Lord's Prayer, and good old standard hymns.
...you believe changing "the quick and the dead" to "the living and the dead" dumbed down the liturgy.
...you seriously feel your brain cannot take one more discussion about mergers, new hymnals, or the ecumenical movement.
...you have a Lutheran hymnal for every color of Joseph's coat.
...you know what page the hymn "Beautiful Savior" is on in the black, red, blue, green, Concordia and Youth Sings hymn books.
...the difference between hymnals and songbooks is whether the cover is hard or soft.
...liturgical phrases such as gloria in excelsis, gloria patri, sanctus, and agnus dei sound too Catholic.
...you remember where you were when you saw your first nun.
well that's enough of those for now. more another time.
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alexnbethmom
Lutheran Chick
this is from a facebook page that i belong to:
You might be a Lutheran if:
... You're watching Star Wars and when they say, "May the force be with you," you reply, "and also with you."
... You sing "Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus" while sitting down.
... It takes you ten minutes to say good-bye.
... You have an uncontrollable urge to sit in the back of any room.
... During communion you hum the hymns so you can see who's at church that Sunday.
... A meeting isn't a meeting unless it takes three hours.
... You feel guilty about not feeling guilty.
... The church is on fire, and you rush in to save the coffee pot.
... www.oldlutheran.com is one of your bookmarks.
...you only serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color for the season.
...you didn't know chow mein noodles were a Chinese food.
...when someone mentions red and green (in terms of Christmas), you immediately think of a battle over hymnals.
...during the entire service you hold your hymnal open but never look down at it.
...rather than introducing yourself to a visitor at church, you check their name out in the guest book.
...you think Garrison Keillor's stories are totally factual.
...you have your wedding reception in the fellowship hall and feel guilty about not staying to help clean up.
...a midlife crisis means switching from the old hymnbook to the new one.
...you forget to put water in the baptismal font but never forget to put water in the coffee pot.
...the pastor skips the last hymn to make sure church lasts exactly 60 minutes.
...you make spaghetti at your house with the little macaroni noodles because they're not so messy then.
...you don't make eye contact when passing someone in the hall because you think it's impolite.
...your choir believes volume is a fair substitute for tonality.
...you don't know what was sooo funny about dat movie "Fargo" then.
...in response to someone jumping up and shouting "Praise the Lord!", you politely remind him or her that we don't do that around here.
...peas in your tuna noodle hotdish add too much color.
...you make change in the offering plate for a ten.
...your dad's name is Luther N., your brother is Luther Hahn and you are Lew Theran.
...you think butter is a spice.
...you have more than five flavors of Jell-O in your pantry.
...you know what a "dead spread" is.
...you talk to someone else and look at their shoes first.
...you have more than three friends whose first names have the letter "j" as the second letter.
...the only open pew is up front, so you volunteer to shovel the sidewalk.
...Ole and Lena are really the names of your relatives.
...you know what a Lutheran Church Basement Woman is.
...you give a party and don't tell anyone where it is.
...you think hotdish is one of the major food groups.
...your five-year-old recites the Old Testament books as Genesis, Exodus, Lutefisk...
...someone asks you after church if there's any "decaf coffee" and you laugh because you KNOW that if it doesn't have caffeine, it can't be coffee!
...you think anyone who says "casserole" instead of "hotdish" is trying to be uppity (or maybe even Episcopalian!)
...you think the term "Jell-O salad" is redundant.
...you freeze the leftover coffee from fellowship hour for next week.
...when you were little you actually thought the Reverend's first name was "Pastor."
...you think you're paying your pastor too much if he gets a new car for the first time in eight years.
...you hear something really funny and smile as loud as you can.
...doughnuts are in the official church budget.
...they have to rope off the last pews in church so the front isn't empty.
...you tap a church visitor on the shoulder and say, "excuse me, but you're in my seat."
...you doodle on the back of communion cards.
...you can say the meal prayer all in one breath.
...Bach is your favorite composer just because he was Lutheran, too.
...you hesitate to clap for the church choir or special music because "it just wasn't done that way in the old days."
...your church library has three Jell-O cookbooks.
...it's time to change a lightbulb and the left side of the aisle begins a debate on "change," while the right side of the aisle musters five volunteers--one to hold the bulb, and four to turn the ladder.
...you laugh out loud while reading this list, and relive your childhood at the same time.
... you think the four food groups are coffee, lefse, lutefisk, and Jell-O.
...you can actually come up with responses to this.
...you sign a petition to have Campbell Soup Co. rename its "Cream of Mushroom soup" "Lutheran Binder!"
...you actually think the pastor's jokes are funny.
...the bumper sticker on your car says, "Legalize Lutefisk!"
... you pronounce the word Lutheran "Lutern."
...requests you hear are preceeded or followed by the phrase, "If it's not too much trouble then..."
...you know all the words to the first verse of "Silent Night" in German but can't speak a word of it.
...you carry silverware in your pocket to church just in case there's a potluck.
... P.M.S. is defined as "Post Merger Syndrome."
...your house is a mess because you're "saved by Grace," not by works.
...the doilies underneath the Thanksgiving flowers make nice snowflakes at Christmas.
...you think the communion wafers are too spicy.
...your mother reminds you often that she wishes you'd studied the organ.
... you dress up as your favorite reformer for Halloween.
...your mother could give any Jewish mother a run for the money in the guilt department.
...you think lime Jell-O with cottage cheese and pineapple is a gourmet salad.
...you think that an ELCA Lutheran bride and an LCMS groom make for a "mixed marriage."
...Folgers has you on their Christmas list.
...all your relatives graduated from a school named Concordia.
...you count coffee among the sacraments.
...You commonly refer to 7:00 pm as standard Lutheran time.
...You try to make everything into an acronym.
...You understand what these acronyms actually mean: LYF LCMS, DYG, NYG...
...you understand why its called the DYG and not the D.Y.G. and why you can't do the same thing with the NYG.
...You know 67 ways to prepare a bean hotdish, and you've never made any of them
... It takes 10 people to put lilies on the cross for Easter
... The only wine you like is the communion wine.
...it's a 100 F, 90% humidity, and you still have coffee after the service.
...the church budget contains a line item for donuts...just like coffee.
...the communion cabinet is open to all but the coffe is locked up tight
You might be a Lutheran if:
... You're watching Star Wars and when they say, "May the force be with you," you reply, "and also with you."
... You sing "Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus" while sitting down.
... It takes you ten minutes to say good-bye.
... You have an uncontrollable urge to sit in the back of any room.
... During communion you hum the hymns so you can see who's at church that Sunday.
... A meeting isn't a meeting unless it takes three hours.
... You feel guilty about not feeling guilty.
... The church is on fire, and you rush in to save the coffee pot.
... www.oldlutheran.com is one of your bookmarks.
...you only serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color for the season.
...you didn't know chow mein noodles were a Chinese food.
...when someone mentions red and green (in terms of Christmas), you immediately think of a battle over hymnals.
...during the entire service you hold your hymnal open but never look down at it.
...rather than introducing yourself to a visitor at church, you check their name out in the guest book.
...you think Garrison Keillor's stories are totally factual.
...you have your wedding reception in the fellowship hall and feel guilty about not staying to help clean up.
...a midlife crisis means switching from the old hymnbook to the new one.
...you forget to put water in the baptismal font but never forget to put water in the coffee pot.
...the pastor skips the last hymn to make sure church lasts exactly 60 minutes.
...you make spaghetti at your house with the little macaroni noodles because they're not so messy then.
...you don't make eye contact when passing someone in the hall because you think it's impolite.
...your choir believes volume is a fair substitute for tonality.
...you don't know what was sooo funny about dat movie "Fargo" then.
...in response to someone jumping up and shouting "Praise the Lord!", you politely remind him or her that we don't do that around here.
...peas in your tuna noodle hotdish add too much color.
...you make change in the offering plate for a ten.
...your dad's name is Luther N., your brother is Luther Hahn and you are Lew Theran.
...you think butter is a spice.
...you have more than five flavors of Jell-O in your pantry.
...you know what a "dead spread" is.
...you talk to someone else and look at their shoes first.
...you have more than three friends whose first names have the letter "j" as the second letter.
...the only open pew is up front, so you volunteer to shovel the sidewalk.
...Ole and Lena are really the names of your relatives.
...you know what a Lutheran Church Basement Woman is.
...you give a party and don't tell anyone where it is.
...you think hotdish is one of the major food groups.
...your five-year-old recites the Old Testament books as Genesis, Exodus, Lutefisk...
...someone asks you after church if there's any "decaf coffee" and you laugh because you KNOW that if it doesn't have caffeine, it can't be coffee!
...you think anyone who says "casserole" instead of "hotdish" is trying to be uppity (or maybe even Episcopalian!)
...you think the term "Jell-O salad" is redundant.
...you freeze the leftover coffee from fellowship hour for next week.
...when you were little you actually thought the Reverend's first name was "Pastor."
...you think you're paying your pastor too much if he gets a new car for the first time in eight years.
...you hear something really funny and smile as loud as you can.
...doughnuts are in the official church budget.
...they have to rope off the last pews in church so the front isn't empty.
...you tap a church visitor on the shoulder and say, "excuse me, but you're in my seat."
...you doodle on the back of communion cards.
...you can say the meal prayer all in one breath.
...Bach is your favorite composer just because he was Lutheran, too.
...you hesitate to clap for the church choir or special music because "it just wasn't done that way in the old days."
...your church library has three Jell-O cookbooks.
...it's time to change a lightbulb and the left side of the aisle begins a debate on "change," while the right side of the aisle musters five volunteers--one to hold the bulb, and four to turn the ladder.
...you laugh out loud while reading this list, and relive your childhood at the same time.
... you think the four food groups are coffee, lefse, lutefisk, and Jell-O.
...you can actually come up with responses to this.
...you sign a petition to have Campbell Soup Co. rename its "Cream of Mushroom soup" "Lutheran Binder!"
...you actually think the pastor's jokes are funny.
...the bumper sticker on your car says, "Legalize Lutefisk!"
... you pronounce the word Lutheran "Lutern."
...requests you hear are preceeded or followed by the phrase, "If it's not too much trouble then..."
...you know all the words to the first verse of "Silent Night" in German but can't speak a word of it.
...you carry silverware in your pocket to church just in case there's a potluck.
... P.M.S. is defined as "Post Merger Syndrome."
...your house is a mess because you're "saved by Grace," not by works.
...the doilies underneath the Thanksgiving flowers make nice snowflakes at Christmas.
...you think the communion wafers are too spicy.
...your mother reminds you often that she wishes you'd studied the organ.
... you dress up as your favorite reformer for Halloween.
...your mother could give any Jewish mother a run for the money in the guilt department.
...you think lime Jell-O with cottage cheese and pineapple is a gourmet salad.
...you think that an ELCA Lutheran bride and an LCMS groom make for a "mixed marriage."
...Folgers has you on their Christmas list.
...all your relatives graduated from a school named Concordia.
...you count coffee among the sacraments.
...You commonly refer to 7:00 pm as standard Lutheran time.
...You try to make everything into an acronym.
...You understand what these acronyms actually mean: LYF LCMS, DYG, NYG...
...you understand why its called the DYG and not the D.Y.G. and why you can't do the same thing with the NYG.
...You know 67 ways to prepare a bean hotdish, and you've never made any of them
... It takes 10 people to put lilies on the cross for Easter
... The only wine you like is the communion wine.
...it's a 100 F, 90% humidity, and you still have coffee after the service.
...the church budget contains a line item for donuts...just like coffee.
...the communion cabinet is open to all but the coffe is locked up tight
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Wow! Thats quite a list Beth
...you think that an ELCA Lutheran bride and an LCMS groom make for a "mixed marriage."
...you think that an ELCA Lutheran bride and an LCMS groom make for a "mixed marriage."
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lux et lex
light and law
When my mother and I started attending the church we ended up joining and staying with for 20 years we hopped around the entire sanctuary because we kept getting tapped and saying "oh you must be new here, but you're in my seat". And where did we end up? In the front row where no one was sitting...lol
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I know that heppend all to often. Not that I am any better, my wife and I had the same pew for years, but then someone else started sitting there, so we moved to the front about 4 pews back and I love it. I have a fairly bad hearing loss (almost deaf
) so that helps.My wife told our Pastor a few weeks ago that I might have to start sitting in the back cause I can't always stand during the litergy and prayers(my feet are giving out) etc. Pastor said I by all means should sit as far up front as he needed to aide in hearing.
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Don't worry Jim. I've had 3 surgeries on my knees and only stand up when my joints allow it.I know that heppend all to often. Not that I am any better, my wife and I had the same pew for years, but then someone else started sitting there, so we moved to the front about 4 pews back and I love it. I have a fairly bad hearing loss (almost deaf
My wife told our Pastor a few weeks ago that I might have to start sitting in the back cause I can't always stand during the litergy and prayers(my feet are giving out) etc. Pastor said I by all means should sit as far up front as he needed to aide in hearing.
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Fun getting old ain't it
I've been debaiting for monthes to get a walker but I doubt that will last. I just haven't figured out how to launch and load my boat from a wheel chair and then there's ice fishing.
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How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
Change?
You can't change that bulb, my great aunt donated it!
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Little Johnie is walking down the street pulling a little red wagon with a box of kittens; crying "Catholic kittens for sale... Catholic kittens for sale...". As he passes the Rectory the Catholic Priest calls him over and takes a look at the kittens and says "Those are truly fine Catholic kittens Johnie!"
A week later Johnie is going down the same street pulling the same wagon with the same box, but this time is calling out "Lutheran kittens for sale... Lutheran kittens for sale...". Again the Priest calls him over and says "Let's see those heretic kittens". He takes a look, and says to Johnie; "What's going on? Those are the same kittens you had last week". Johnie replies; "Father, this week they have their eyes open!"
A week later Johnie is going down the same street pulling the same wagon with the same box, but this time is calling out "Lutheran kittens for sale... Lutheran kittens for sale...". Again the Priest calls him over and says "Let's see those heretic kittens". He takes a look, and says to Johnie; "What's going on? Those are the same kittens you had last week". Johnie replies; "Father, this week they have their eyes open!"
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You can't change that bulb, my great aunt donated it!
And my great-grandmother once flipped the switch to turn it on. It can now never be changed!!!
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