Loving the Cold Hearted

[iambren]

Kids? Yes,without them it would be easier. I love them dearly and it is almost inpossible to have a relationship without being exposed to her.

Last night we celebrated at a restaurant my eldest's 13th birthday. Brenda(ex) and me on one side of booth, eldest,yougest boy, and friend on other side of booth. We're talking about the night he was born, how proud WE are of him....a real smaltzy night out. I drive the big van for us all to get there. You would have thought we were the warm happy couple.

As I drove home an old question dogged me so I called her. I said "Hey, it was really warm for us all to be together but I still wonder---Why could you not love me?". Her response was that she didn't agree with the premise of the question (as if she did love me). She was very sincere, I'm left with my head waggin' in confusion, like I'm blowin' in wind. That's why I labeled her as "cold hearted" because to scratch the surface is a dark,undiscernable, cool, light-less heart. My heart senses a oneness, warmth, familiarity between us--all those relational attributes that leads a man and woman into each other's arms. She was even addind up the years we've known each other as we dined and spoke with the boys about when they were babies. This all seems great, we laugh and it's easy but then there's that ride home to my house "WHAT THE ....?!".

 

[McScribe]

Kids? Yes,without them it would be easier. I love them dearly and it is almost inpossible to have a relationship without being exposed to her.

Last night we celebrated at a restaurant my eldest's 13th birthday. Brenda(ex) and me on one side of booth, eldest,yougest boy, and friend on other side of booth. We're talking about the night he was born, how proud WE are of him....a real smaltzy night out. I drive the big van for us all to get there. You would have thought we were the warm happy couple.

As I drove home an old question dogged me so I called her. I said "Hey, it was really warm for us all to be together but I still wonder---Why could you not love me?". Her response was that she didn't agree with the premise of the question (as if she did love me). She was very sincere, I'm left with my head waggin' in confusion, like I'm blowin' in wind. That's why I labeled her as "cold hearted" because to scratch the surface is a dark,undiscernable, cool, light-less heart. My heart senses a oneness, warmth, familiarity between us--all those relational attributes that leads a man and woman into each other's arms. She was even addind up the years we've known each other as we dined and spoke with the boys about when they were babies. This all seems great, we laugh and it's easy but then there's that ride home to my house "WHAT THE ....?!".

Yeah, it's confusing.

This may sound like an odd thought, maybe dumb, but I'll say it anyway. Socially acceptable divorce makes it possible to avoid having to face the idea that inevitably in a marriage you're going to find areas where you don't agree and can't find any way to compromise.

Comproimise is a dirty word these days anyway, it sounds like giving in. It's dumb because Western civilization has a genius for compromise, it's what has made our civilization so successful. It's simply put the idea of getting along with someone even if you don't agree with them at all. Anyway I think you're paddling up the current, man. The ONLY way to do things is to stop asking her such questions and accept that if her answer hasn't changed in two years it won't at all. Move on and see how much you'd want her if you really didn't need her. I know that's hard, it's also what we need to do.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Yeah I agree, I don't understand WHY you keep throwing yourself at that wall. You are seriously hurt, of course she knows it and doesn't care, so...just stop it already. If you must do things together for the kids, great, but you don't have to have these "questions" that cannot be answered afterward. If you can't do that, then celebrate separately.

 

[iambren]

I'm not arguing with you Michelle, really; I would probably be saying the same thing. But I guess it's just a mental weakness of mine, I can't shake the "WHY" of this situation.

What if YOU were married for 14 years to a man, given two children that medicine said couldn't be, Christian marriage, shared values and beliefs, compatible, even sexually(when it happened), felt comfortable and belonging with them, and still agrees on the premise that they love you.

Would it not drive you crazy!!! People divorce for lots of reasons: sex, parenting conflicts, porn, adultery, neglect, abuse. Where in "life's handbook" can I turn to the page for THIS one?

I do apologize; I'm even slightly embarassed. Can you imagine that little hic in your throat as someone threw a beautiful,expensive painting into the fire. You would want to stop them and say--"are you SURE you want to let that go? Are you sure you've done all?".

It may come down to a "God thing". I seem powerless in reasoning with her, or myself, or God to securely close this door. Or if He wants to open it wide for Him to intervene.

 

[dayhiker]

Ben, I thought of the parable of the sower .. seed falling on different hearts. I guess her heart is one of those stony ones. Its interesting the parable just states it as fact .. but preachers want to say we can change what type of heart we have. I don't know that everyone can change the type of heart they have.

2 cents.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I'm not arguing with you Michelle, really; I would probably be saying the same thing. But I guess it's just a mental weakness of mine, I can't shake the "WHY" of this situation.

What if YOU were married for 14 years to a man, given two children that medicine said couldn't be, Christian marriage, shared values and beliefs, compatible, even sexually(when it happened), felt comfortable and belonging with them, and still agrees on the premise that they love you.

Would it not drive you crazy!!! People divorce for lots of reasons: sex, parenting conflicts, porn, adultery, neglect, abuse. Where in "life's handbook" can I turn to the page for THIS one?

I do apologize; I'm even slightly embarassed. Can you imagine that little hic in your throat as someone threw a beautiful,expensive painting into the fire. You would want to stop them and say--"are you SURE you want to let that go? Are you sure you've done all?".

It may come down to a "God thing". I seem powerless in reasoning with her, or myself, or God to securely close this door. Or if He wants to open it wide for Him to intervene.

Listen, I know what you mean really I do. I ask God all the time WHY did he make me so analytical cuz I ALWAYS want to know WHY. But sometimes you just can't and that is a fact that I've learned to realize and I hope you can someday too. And I'm not saying don't contemplate it in your mind if you must, but just quit with the asking her. SHE can't help you figure it out even though it is HER that is the source so to speak. I think God wants you to just trust HIM even though it seems bleak right now. And in your imagining scenerio that you put before me, well you can't even imagine how I feel being married for 25 years with 2 children of my own after raising his step children and my husband being the one that leads people to the Lord and yet HE dies? Trust me there ARE worse things than failed relationships. All I'm saying is talk to God if you must about it, just quit asking HER. Whatever answer she ever could give you would not satisy you anyway and that my brother is really the truth.

 

[McScribe]

I absolutely agree: ask God about it all you want, stop asking her. Not a platitude, I'm just saying it won't work. Ask God for understanding. And then brace yourself for a hard time. You've been sure in your heart there must be SOME reason she can give you; to give up on that idea will be very emotionally painful. Beyond that is God's grace. I'm experiencing it now. God wants us to ask questions of Him, to allow Him to demonstrate that He is our loving Father.

 

[iambren]

"All I'm saying is talk to God if you must about it, just quit asking HER. Whatever answer she ever could give you would not satisy you anyway and that my brother is really the truth. "

Thank you all; you've been very patient with me. If lightning falls from the sky I'll let you know. It seems so alien to me, I mean in that movie at least they got him to say "ET phone home". Death would seem "cleaner" or more preferable yet I can't stand in your shoes with the pain you've gone through (25 years!),Michelle.

Hard to let go of what's so precious for a reason in the wind.

 

[McScribe]

"All I'm saying is talk to God if you must about it, just quit asking HER. Whatever answer she ever could give you would not satisy you anyway and that my brother is really the truth. "

Thank you all; you've been very patient with me. If lightning falls from the sky I'll let you know. It seems so alien to me, I mean in that movie at least they got him to say "ET phone home". Death would seem "cleaner" or more preferable yet I can't stand in your shoes with the pain you've gone through (25 years!),Michelle.

Hard to let go of what's so precious for a reason in the wind.

I know man. There's no shame in it; you gave your heart, it's hard to ungive it, I know. And let me emphasize: there's no rush to do it. It's good to turn to the Lord, but God wants us to give up what has seemed precious but is holding us back WILLINGLY. In the meantime grieve and wonder, but let God share in that with you.

I'd be the last person to say "hurry up and do it." And so in particular if you need someone to vent to you can pm me. We can encourage one another to get through this.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I agree with McScribe and he is/was in a closer situation to yours so he does know what he's talking about. We only want God's best for you.

 

[iambren]

It happened AGAIN!...the TALK.


I said--"I still love you" (usually after a period of warm interaction)
She says nothing.

Then she'll say "I still love you but only if we have a new way of relating"


What does THAT mean!!

Behavior: She won't put feet to her words. Won't cross the romance line of hugs, kissing, definitely not sex, won't even take efforts to suggest a counselor, won't clarify "new way of relating".

I would so respect her if she would say "I don't love you anymore and have no interest in remarrying. We are through.". Then perhaps I can let go, have definition. Drives me crazy! I drive myself crazy but for some reason I need to hear those words from her. We have SO much history, shared values, children to lose. But can't even the "cold hearted" tell the blunt truth? I feel so bound at this juncture, believing in God yet lost to His healing. It dismays,confuses, I am so ashamed to be so inept at life to not resolve to go on.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Sounds like to me, she doesn't want you, but she also doesn't want anyone else to have you. Sounds very selfish to me and she knows how to play you like an old fiddle. Not trying to be harsh, but it is what it is, and she knows she can keep you on this line she has you on as long as you are willing.

 

[iambren]

Thank you Mechelle, and since that conversation I've decided to move on. She IS selfish and I am stupid to remain the fiddle. Which one of those can I change? Me.

So now when the boys need watched I leave before she pulls up in the driveway. Once she asked if I minded if she did groceries before she came home...I said yes, I minded. It's just crazy, making the paradigm shift to see people the way they really are!

Theologically I've done some work also. My view of man is that we are spirit, soul, body. A TRUE believer is renewed in the inner man(spirit) and that drives their soul to be more conformed to Christ. Some people hear a sermon, feel guilty, go to an altar and only their soul gets "saved". With their will they may play the part for years but it's superficial or they'll just fall away. I can't say 100% but I believe she's the latter. The conventional veneer is very important to her. I've never witnessed her sing or worship in church. A pastoral colleague knowing her from High School told me he wondered if she was truly saved.

I asked her "How do you think God sees us and would like us to do about our marriage". She said " Well, I don't know; that's kinda deep". Like she hadn't prayed and thought about it??
The scripture keeps coming to me--"let the unbelieving depart for God has called us to peace". God knows I've done all I can so I walk on, putting my trust in Him.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Good for you, I hope you mean it. You sound like a very good man that loves God and really tried to make his marriage and family work. But it takes two (actually 3) and you know that too. I know it's hard, but there is nothing YOU can do to change HER you are right about that. God and the Holy Spirit however CAN. Doesn't mean He will the way you had hoped, but it's truly more important for her to be saved than be married to you right? Just keep praying for her, but go on with God and whatever He has in store for you.

 

[iambren]

Thanks Michelle. Sounds like you are a good woman too!

 

[dayhiker]

Ya, bren .. I'm with you moving on .. so you will always have support here.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Thanks Michelle. Sounds like you are a good woman too!

Awe! Only by the grace of God, but thank you!