Loving the Cold Hearted

[dayhiker]

bren,
Sorry things didn't work out for you in your marriages.
After mine broke up (my fault) I find I don't have much desire to get married again.
It was interesting that my EX got married real quick!

 

[Stravinsk]

I've been divorced from my wife for about 2 1/2 years. We had the most peaceful dissolution and post-dissolution time you could imagine ie we get along and work together well. I still carry a love in my heart for her, we have two boys ~ 12 ys old so in a way it would be nice to reunite....

BUT, she has a cold heart. There was no adultery as a reason, she rejected a lot sexually in the 14-year marriage and frankly I wouldn't go back if this was the same. It's a long story but she started shutting down a couple years before marrying(issues not related to us) and she closed more and more. I told her last night I still loved her and if she could soften it would be beautiful for God to heal us. She gets combatitive and fights.

My questions are threefold:


1 Has anyone witnessed God melt/heal a person's heart?

2 What do you feel about the wisdom of remarrying a spouse?

3 Why won't my love fade? Ever had trouble with that?

Ouch Ouch Ouch. Please ask yourself this question:

A woman who hurts you like this - is this woman worth your love and devotion?

Fact: SHE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU. The fact that she can hurt you so badly and you keep comming back speaks volumes to her. VERY VERY few women respect a man they can treat like trash and get away with it. It makes you seem needy, helpless and without the backbone to stand up for yourself like a man and move on.

Thanks for the responses. I've approached her several times about reconciliation. She denies all responsibility in the divorce, gets very angry, and walks out of the room. The only half response I've been given is to jointly go to counseling (she never specifies what I need fixed), BUT we are to have no affection (or sex for sure) until we relate differently, which is never defined. In short this is like a delay tactic (we had tons of marital counseling before) to keep me involved for some gain to her.

But what others have said: it will only be by the Holy Spirit that her joy, her love, her affections be restored while her pride, anger, vacant-heart be vanquished.It's just so sad to see what could be a mutually fulfilling marriage go to waste! And two wonderful sons live without seeing the love between mommy and daddy!

Even God knows the proud from afar. (Psalm 138:6)

Why waste you spirit? Are you worthy of being loved? If the answer is yes, then you need to move on and distance yourself from this woman.

Don't pray that you'll get back together. She has proven to be unworthy of you in so many ways. Sexually. In intimacy. In basic decency and honesty.

Don't pray that God will "soften her heart". You want this for your benefit as well as hers - and God will not overide another's will.

It's cliche, I know - but the best way for a man to overcome his attachment to a woman is to find another woman.

Do date and find someone who is worthy of your time and affection and love and will return it.

 

[iambren]

Thank you, Stravinsk, for your blunt but helpful response.


"A woman who hurts you like this - is this woman worth your love and devotion? "

I had thought of that a couple of times. It's so tempting to think--it's not her, it's something else. There DOES seem to be some issue however, for her sexual rejection began 6 months into the 14 year marriage. BUT she won't OWN that nor has she taken steps to find help. She let the marriage slip by instead so your point is well taken.

 

[McScribe]

It's good advice for me too. But hard to take. Because I guess you want what she had formerly said to be true, right? I mean there was a promise of mutual love and desire--where did it go? When she says "I just feel different" I guess here's the problem--how will you ever know again?

Maybe part of the thing is to accept that people will do this, but not everyone. That makes it hard to WANT to try again though. It's not like engaging in a sport or something where you KNOW there is competitiveness-it's like you're expected to make yourself way more vulnerable than with almost anything else in life, with the expectation that the other person might just change their mind for no reason. So it's almost preferable to face the devil you know in this case hoping that things will be different.

 

[iambren]

I'm sure this has influenced my attitude towards women. It seems women are oblivious to the hurt they cause others in their selfish schemes. On the other hand, my ex is quite peculiar. We had an ongoing consistent close sex life for FIVE years before we married. Very engaged with the physical side of things.

THEN,after six months of marriage she becomes untouchable, recedes sexually squeezing the life out of the marriage. WHO DOES THAT!!?? I asked her for two years why,why,why--answer "I don't know" then later "nothing to do with you".

This is a woman that's nice, pleasant, unassuming, responsible worker, good mom...but her intimate heart (rarely seen by anyone) is empty,cold, and wind-like. It would drive me crazy except for a former pastor, my mother, and a female coworker that have seen that darkness. It's my trial;it's bigger than me. Sure,if God would give her a heart of flesh it would be beautiful. So it's my challenge to go with what I know, to no longer feed hope, so that I be open to being in love again.

 

[McScribe]

It could be guilt, of course, for the premarital sex. It could be anything. I'd almost agree with you, what you say about women being oblivious to hurt. I've wondered the same thing actually, even researched things trying to figure it out. At the end of the day I just couldn't figure it.

What you mention, about how she turned cold towards you: same thing exactly with me. "I don't know" "It's not you".

This is what I'm trying to do: to love her as a PERSON, not as a wife or a woman I might ever desire, in other words to do good and not evil. It's a huge struggle. I think it's necessary. The kids (even though they're not mine) make that even harder. But it has to be done. In both our cases these women had every chance to make a choice to be a wife and chose not to. We need, both of us, to leave it to God--I mean LEAVE it to God--to reconcile if that's a possibility. But we also need to not HOPE for that. Because that way madness lies. I mean, brother, do you feel the madness of that path?

You know a while back I was sitting in the kitchen with her and sang "If you could read my mind" to her, and she cried, and I didn't know at the time that it was probably a bit of guilt and probably a bit of sorrow at hurting someone she cared for enough to feel empathy with but not enough to commit to anymore. She was grieving; I was aching, we were ships in the night.

And I try to speak boldly here but I know that I wake up from dreams where I'm about to kiss her good morning and go and make breakfast. And I know that she doesn't even want that anymore, and that I'm here and she's there. It makes you feel crazy.

God will embrace us too. I struggle to still believe that.

 

[iambren]

Wow, I feel like a martian, an alien all alone in the aftermath of this marriage. It's so good to talk to someone who understands.

Another battle is doubting myself. You know--I must have some character flaw, some absence of loving a woman the right way, I must not be man enough, or the spiritual "head", too selfish, too sexually preoccupied etc etc. And EVERYONE will help you feed those doubts (especially women) because it's ALWAYS the man and it takes two to tango....

I've had friends that were her classmates in college that won't speak to me or send me books like Point Man. Then there's her family/ a brother who has assumed I'm such a bad guy. But how? HOW?

 

[peacechild4]

A thought that just came to me as I read through these is.. that GOD hardens hearts sometimes..

I prayed for my husband a long long time.. and it got worse and worse and worse..

GOD gives people choices.. but eventually if someone won't listen time after time after time.. we must shake off the dust and move on..

I do believe GOD softens hearts.. but people have to choose to let GOD work on them.. and it is sad.. but my husband chose not too.. I will always pray for him to know CHRIST.. but there is a time to move forward and on with our lives.. and sometimes people choose not to be beside us while we do this..

 

[iambren]

Thank you, PeaceChild. I believe what you say; that was wise words. I am trying to move on the best I can and accept her choice. I confess my impatience--1/2 of my brain(more logical) says find love elsewhere, the other 1/2 is emotional hurts,loves,hopes and Will Not let go! I guess there are times when we have to throw up our hands and remember we are in His hands.

 

[dayhiker]

When I was reading this I thought of how some day women know themselves better than men do. But either both your wives don't know who they themselves are or they are hiding it and nothing is going to get them to admit it. Either day they will cause you guys pain as long as you go on with the relationship.

I think sometimes we have to come up with a way to explain why we had to back away from a relationship. We have to say it with no bitterness, no attitude of retaliation, but clearly saying that we have examined out role and did all we could and it still wasn't going to work out. When people accuse you have falling short, not doing what God requires you to do, then give then the few lines about what happened and move on in the conversation.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Sometimes "Let go and Let God" is all you can do. Also remember that "This too shall pass" circumstances are always subject to change. Hardened hearts are harder to melt, but the Holy Spirit can still nudge them until they completely denounce God. Keep prayin' and TRY focusing on something else, like maybe your kids instead of you and how you feel and what you want. TRY to let the Holy Spirit guide you so that you no longer care how long it takes or if you EVER find love, because Christ IS all you need, really. It sounds corney in written form, but it is the truth. Let God handle it and He will, and the Bible also says "when you've done all you can do...Stand" Eph. 6:13. You do not know what you are up against with her, but God does and He is not slack as we think just because he doesn't act when we think He should. Have faith brother and re-focus your life for now to something beyond yourself.

 

[McScribe]

Thank you, PeaceChild. I believe what you say; that was wise words. I am trying to move on the best I can and accept her choice. I confess my impatience--1/2 of my brain(more logical) says find love elsewhere, the other 1/2 is emotional hurts,loves,hopes and Will Not let go! I guess there are times when we have to throw up our hands and remember we are in His hands.

You know one of the things that is helping me is talking about this with fellow believers. I'll confess here that sometimes I'm terribly tempted in some destructive ways, and I pray God I can keep resisting. (like pornography or thinking "hey, maybe one way to not have restless sleep is to drink myself into a stupor) Tempted to become comfortably numb or at least distracted.

But the Lord is the light and my salvation. Funny how a relationship not working out makes you doubt yourself so much.

So when I talk with fellow believers I'm reminded of who I am in Christ. It wars then with who I was in the eyes of my ex.

Without seeking to hate her I nevertheless look at how she just had stopped loving me. It doesn't matter why or what happened exactly--she did. And maybe iambren you need to try to accept that too. It's hard because I'm sure you are pulled between frustration and a desire to move on and on the other hand a desire to remember all the things that were wonderful and good. And so here's the hard thing about it: you have to accept that if they had been wonderful and good truly you would be together. Because reminiscing leads you down the path of what if.

I know how it feels, believe me. When I think about her I wish I was with her, period. And yet I know that she doesn't want me. I need to accept that. I think you do too. It's over.

 

[Gibsonian]

Alot of good stuff here.

Been through what you guys are into, and really still going through. Definitely gotta let go, move forward. Stop all contact with your ex. It will have it's ups and downs, but be steady, do all things in Christ, focus on what you do have, family, friends, church, work, etc. Slowly, ever so slowly you will think less and less about it. I'm not sure if you ever stop thinking about it completely, but it will become bearable. A large scar, received this late in life, is always visible, but you forget about sometimes until you happen to glance at it, brush your hand over it. When your mind is getting clear, maybe time to date again. I met someone when I was ready to stop actively looking - which I always figured was a sign that maybe I was ready to see someone - that I was cool to quit searching. Oh, and lean on each other just like you're doing- God Bless your efforts.

 

[dayhiker]

To amplify a little on what McScribe said,
Its obvious to me that if a woman doesn't want to be with us, then its no use pursuing that relationship. How enjoyable can it be to be with someone who wants to be somewhere else compared to someone who wants to be with us! There are a lot of women out there that are looking for a guy who is responsible, pulls his own weight and will treat them right.

....


...

Only trouble is they have a great personality ... LOL

Just joking ... hehehehe

dayhiker

 

[McScribe]

No, good thoughts guys, absolutely. What do you do though when there's kids involved? That's not so easy then, you have to balance staying involved with them with not contacting your ex for any purpose other than say something material or legal. So I assume you mean zero contact for personal reasons. That's something I've been trying to do.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

As hard as it sounds you are right to think about moving on. If you live your life for Christ and let the Holy Spirit guide you, instead of you deciding what you should or shouldn't do it will become easier and easier with time. YES it is absolutely hard when kids are involved and it's exactly why you should stop wallowing and be the example for your children. What happens when they grow up and possibly have a similar circumstance to deal with? Will they look at you and say, well my dad did this or that? YES they will even if you don't think so, they are watching, God is watching and other people are watching how you deal with things. I have a BIL in a similar situation and since he has given himself completely to God lately, his life is getting in order also. I suspect that when he is finally ready to date (he has dated but only out of lonliness and he stopped cuz it didn't help) that his ex will probably want him back, but I also suspect that at that time HE will no longer want HER back. While you are alone you should work on strenghening your relationship with the Lord and nothing else (nothing else about yourself anyway) and TRY to fulfill the destiny that you were placed on this earth for. THAT is my prayer for you gentleman.

 

[McScribe]

Thanks very much for that encouragement. I also think it helps to do positive things that you know are good.

 

[dayhiker]

Ya, Mc, I'd go with zero contact for personal reasons. A relationship is like an addiction. Most of the desire will be gone after 30 days of separation.

Continue the contact for the kids sake, see the kids to see them. Don't communicate negative thoughts toward your ex to the kids.

Use your spare time to grow closer to the Lord, or take a class for your professional development.

Once it was clear my wife has no interest in getting back together, I start to get o know the singles stuff going on in my area, did more hiking, took a trip to the Bahamas on my own. Got involved with a men's group that I'd been invited to before but time wise didn't work out when I was married.

Once you have made the decision to move on, move on. Get out and enjoy what your area has to offer. Make sure marriage isn't in the immediate plans. Have a good fling with a woman for the rebound ... it can do you good! If you don't feel guilty about it that is ... lol

 

[McScribe]

Absolutely agree with the thing about the kids. I never say anything bad or even frustrated to the kids about their mom. If they ask me about decisions I say "You need to ask your mom that." (nothing life threatening has come up anyway) When I speak to her I'm polite and unemotional in a pleasant way. (like talking to a stranger at the door: "yes? can I help you?")

Not sure about the fling. I realize it's tempting, but I'd say it's potentially dangerous in that you can drown in a potential new attachment. Better to focus on getting back in shape, getting involved with something good. I have found a new church that has a great outreach program. I like working with youth and teens--I had a rough time during that period myself and so I like to encourage them to grow strong in the Lord and have a strong self esteem and sense of ethics. I'm also going to go to University which I never did before and get a degree. The important thing is that you discover a sense of worth outside of your marriage.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Absolutely agree with the thing about the kids. I never say anything bad or even frustrated to the kids about their mom. If they ask me about decisions I say "You need to ask your mom that." (nothing life threatening has come up anyway) When I speak to her I'm polite and unemotional in a pleasant way. (like talking to a stranger at the door: "yes? can I help you?")

Not sure about the fling. I realize it's tempting, but I'd say it's potentially dangerous in that you can drown in a potential new attachment. Better to focus on getting back in shape, getting involved with something good. I have found a new church that has a great outreach program. I like working with youth and teens--I had a rough time during that period myself and so I like to encourage them to grow strong in the Lord and have a strong self esteem and sense of ethics. I'm also going to go to University which I never did before and get a degree. The important thing is that you discover a sense of worth outside of your marriage.

Yay for you! That is exactly what I'm talking about!