Loving the Cold Hearted

[iambren]

I've been divorced from my wife for about 2 1/2 years. We had the most peaceful dissolution and post-dissolution time you could imagine ie we get along and work together well. I still carry a love in my heart for her, we have two boys ~ 12 ys old so in a way it would be nice to reunite....

BUT, she has a cold heart. There was no adultery as a reason, she rejected a lot sexually in the 14-year marriage and frankly I wouldn't go back if this was the same. It's a long story but she started shutting down a couple years before marrying(issues not related to us) and she closed more and more. I told her last night I still loved her and if she could soften it would be beautiful for God to heal us. She gets combatitive and fights.

My questions are threefold:


1 Has anyone witnessed God melt/heal a person's heart?

2 What do you feel about the wisdom of remarrying a spouse?

3 Why won't my love fade? Ever had trouble with that?

 

[dayhiker]

Interesting situation, iambren

I can't think if a personal situation that I know of where a person's heard has been softened in that situation. I have heard and read of it happening.

I'd have no problem with a couple remarring .. but as you indicated I'd not recommend it till the issues that were there before were delt with.

 

[SearcherKris]

I do believe that God can soften people's heart, but the individual has to want that. It is a painful process and it can be long. My guess is that it would involve dealing with whatever made her want to harden it to begin with. Your ex-wife will need to want healing for herself before she will be any good in a relationship.

My heart was greatly wounded and I have had walls up. I was incapable of crying much for big chunk of years. I wanted healing, and I prayed that God would make me sensitive again. He did. It has taken years. A thing like this is not always solved quickly or instantaneously, although I believe that can happen, too. Often we gain a lot by going through a healing slowly and coming to new revelations and understanding when we do because it allows us time to process things.

If an ex-spouse is emotionally healthy enough for a marriage that honors God, then I think it is perfectly fine. I would not do it without a good deal of counseling and guidance. She and you both need to be spiritually and emotionally healthy BEFORE this is pursued. If not you will just be fighting the same battles you have always fought.

I have trouble with love fading over a relationship that developed with another man after my divorce, however as far as my ex-husband goes that has not been an issue. I did not leave my marriage until it was totally dead and I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that it could not go on. As for the subsequent relationship, I did not choose to leave that one. It was his choice, and it was not because of problems with our relationship. It was because of issues that had nothing to do with "us." I have held on to him as a very dear friend in hopes that someday there will be another chance.

From what I'm reading about your circumstance, she was sexually unfaithful. A vow for sexual faithfulness includes not neglecting your spouse. I believe this gave you Biblical grounds for divorce because sexual refusal is sexual sin against you and your marriage.

Also, did you mean to say that when you mentioned a reconciliation that she became upset and lashed out, or did you mean that she does that in general? If she did it in response to your suggestion then I would guess that she is not interested. If it is in general, then I would say that this behavior would have to be addressed before pursuing a new relationship with her.

 

[JohnDB]

I couldn't ever remarry someone who betrayed me in such a fashion.

Befriend yes...remarry no.

I know people who have done it. But it is extremely few and far in between. Almost never happens.

 

[dayhiker]

Kris,
Thanks for sharing ... was a blessing to read what you asked God to soften your heart and then see it coming to be.

dayhiker

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I've been divorced from my wife for about 2 1/2 years. We had the most peaceful dissolution and post-dissolution time you could imagine ie we get along and work together well. I still carry a love in my heart for her, we have two boys ~ 12 ys old so in a way it would be nice to reunite....

BUT, she has a cold heart. There was no adultery as a reason, she rejected a lot sexually in the 14-year marriage and frankly I wouldn't go back if this was the same. It's a long story but she started shutting down a couple years before marrying(issues not related to us) and she closed more and more. I told her last night I still loved her and if she could soften it would be beautiful for God to heal us. She gets combatitive and fights.

My questions are threefold:


1 Has anyone witnessed God melt/heal a person's heart?

Yes I have! and there are many many stories like this, but it was not until lots and lots of prayer and work that this occurred. It's not an easy road to be on, but yes God can and does melt a persons heart when that person is ready and willing and many prayers have gone to God for this.


2 What do you feel about the wisdom of remarrying a spouse?

Well since God hates divorce and it was only given to us because of OUR hard heartedness God would be for reconciliation, but her heart would have to change first. If you get along now OK, I would just suggest praying for the Holy Spirit to soften her heart towards you and to open her heart toward God and keep on being loving toward her. If you are living right and loving her, even if you think she doesn't notice she does. and that along with prayer can be an answer to your prayer in the long run but it takes alot of work and alot of prayer and alot of time.

3 Why won't my love fade? Ever had trouble with that?

Yes! This may sound really silly but it's the truth. Since my husband died 6 years ago, and about 2 years into it I happen to see my "old" boyfriend that was my "first" love. Since that time I have him on my mind constantly even though I know we could never be together as of right now anyway, cuz he lives in a different state, is not a christian and is not interested. I have prayed and prayed and prayed for him, because I don't know what other reason I could still have him on my mind. I think because I used to love him he still has a little piece of my heart. IDK. Also my brother in law and sister in law are divorced and they both wish they weren't, but mostly it's cuz of my sister in laws infidelity and hardness of heart that they cannot reunite. BUT my brother in law still loves her and probably always will and she SAYS she still loves him, but yet she doesn't treat him very nice and is always speaking negatively about him, but still wishes they weren't divorced. So yeah, I don't think you will ever completely "get over" the love you have for her especially since you basically still get along. JMHO

 

[iambren]

Thanks for the responses. I've approached her several times about reconciliation. She denies all responsibility in the divorce, gets very angry, and walks out of the room. The only half response I've been given is to jointly go to counseling (she never specifies what I need fixed), BUT we are to have no affection (or sex for sure) until we relate differently, which is never defined. In short this is like a delay tactic (we had tons of marital counseling before) to keep me involved for some gain to her.

But what others have said: it will only be by the Holy Spirit that her joy, her love, her affections be restored while her pride, anger, vacant-heart be vanquished. It's just so sad to see what could be a mutually fulfilling marriage go to waste! And two wonderful sons live without seeing the love between mommy and daddy!

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Thanks for the responses. I've approached her several times about reconciliation. She denies all responsibility in the divorce, gets very angry, and walks out of the room. The only half response I've been given is to jointly go to counseling (she never specifies what I need fixed), BUT we are to have no affection (or sex for sure) until we relate differently, which is never defined. In short this is like a delay tactic (we had tons of marital counseling before) to keep me involved for some gain to her.

But what others have said: it will only be by the Holy Spirit that her joy, her love, her affections be restored while her pride, anger, vacant-heart be vanquished. It's just so sad to see what could be a mutually fulfilling marriage go to waste! And two wonderful sons live without seeing the love between mommy and daddy![/quote]

BBM yes it is a sad reality of life. The best thing you could do for your boys besides continue to keep her and them in prayer, is to live by example. To be the kind of person your boys want to be like because you are Christ like. And actions speak alot louder than words and they are watching even when you think they aren't and of course, God is always watching.

 

[McScribe]

Thanks for the responses. I've approached her several times about reconciliation. She denies all responsibility in the divorce, gets very angry, and walks out of the room. The only half response I've been given is to jointly go to counseling (she never specifies what I need fixed), BUT we are to have no affection (or sex for sure) until we relate differently, which is never defined. In short this is like a delay tactic (we had tons of marital counseling before) to keep me involved for some gain to her.

But what others have said: it will only be by the Holy Spirit that her joy, her love, her affections be restored while her pride, anger, vacant-heart be vanquished. It's just so sad to see what could be a mutually fulfilling marriage go to waste! And two wonderful sons live without seeing the love between mommy and daddy!

Wow man. And this is so close to my own situation except I'm a stepfather not a bio father. But I really love those boys. Working out talking to them once a week feels like a triumph.

I'm moving forward with my life but there are times when it's hard, because I feel the same way that you do. I keep pressing in to the Lord. That sounds like such a Christianese cliche but it's true. It's not done casually but with grief sometimes with anger being fought other times.

There are lots of stories in the Bible about familial reconciliation, not marital per se but it amounts to the same thing. However in some cases it happens quickly, in others it takes years. Ultimately its worth it but it's a walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death.

For me your number two is related to number three. There are times when I wish almost that I was not a Christian, because I could become cold hearted about it. Because I'm not I can see so many reasons to love her and hope for her to melt her heart. Because eventually something of that love described in 1 Cor 13 sinks in, and it makes it harder to be judgemental and unforgiving. Maybe that's part of why your heart has not turned cold towards her and why you would consider remarrying her. Even looking at the condition you placed it's more about her being willing to love you rather than do a bunch of jumping through hoops.

I appreciate finding your post here. I've felt when I've prayed about my broken marriage that God has not really released me yet from it, or at the very least that my love has not died but that I've recognized the need for distance. Partly her but also partly the boys keeps me attached in my heart, though I've moved on with my life in many other ways.

 

[iambren]

Wow,McSribe thank you for posting. I didn't think there was anyone out there like me. Don't you wish God would just tell you what to do??

I will pray for you at devotion time. May God heal your soul.

I work at a Sears Optical in my town. At times I walk about the store, esp the electronic guys. They share their lives with me and find there are a lot of hurting guys out there. I think men tend to not wear their feelings on their sleeves as much and I pray for them. Some may have dug their own hole but several have been so TRASHED by women. We don't hear of these so much. Hang in there, my brother.

 

[McScribe]

Geeze tell me about it. I wish God would tell me what to do, for sure. I'll put you in my prayers as well.

I include my ex in my prayers all the time. Sometimes I am really upset with her but other times not. And other times I'm really down on myself and then I spend time with God so that I don't spend an hour running myself down on things I wish I'd done or wondering if I could have done things better.

Anyway pm me if you ever need to, specially at those hard times. I find holidays kind of hard.

 

[BigMat]

1 Has anyone witnessed God melt/heal a person's heart?

Only my own -- repeatedly. But I have a very deep, committed, open, intimate, unrelenting relationship with God so he tends to have access to me even during my most untenable times. He has my permission to do what he needs to with me.

Because of the situations I find myself in and those that I have come from in my life, my desperate subconscious tendency is to detach and armor myself to the point that I become very hard, cold, and somewhat ruthless in order to protect my heart and keep its damaged places from becoming even more so. God periodically reigns me in and reminds me that I have already entrusted him with the care and protection of those damaged places. He then proceeds to demonstrate how much better he is healing and soothing them than I am.

I will say that you have to become wholly vulnerable to God and entrust yourself entirely to him before he can sink his hands into your heart and work and sooth the hardness out of it. You have to completely surrender you own safety and protection to him. You must trust him completely. Surrendering that much of yourself, allowing yourself to become that vulnerable and unprotected is, initially, terrifying. As a result, from time to time, I find myself fighting or resisting God in the matter and I've been at this for twelve years now.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Geeze tell me about it. I wish God would tell me what to do, for sure. I'll put you in my prayers as well.

I include my ex in my prayers all the time. Sometimes I am really upset with her but other times not. And other times I'm really down on myself and then I spend time with God so that I don't spend an hour running myself down on things I wish I'd done or wondering if I could have done things better.

Anyway pm me if you ever need to, specially at those hard times. I find holidays kind of hard.

That's always been my argument too. I am very analytical and always try to figure out why this happened or maybe this happened so that can happen and of course I am usually always wrong, but I've always said it would be so much easier if God told me how we were gonna play this game. What plays are we using? lol. Of course the answer is because if He DID tell you, you would probably say NO WAY I AINT DOING THAT LOL. I mean if He told me in advance that my father-in-law, my mother, and my husband would all die of cancer I think it would hinder my service and alliegence to Him. But since I've had to "live" thru those moments and had to seek Him in those times it has strengthened my faith instead of the opposite.

 

[dayhiker]

I've had God tell me things and lead me, but I agree there were so many times I wanted God to answer a certian question or tell me what to do and He didn't. So I came to the conclusion till He does tell me those things that's not how He wants our relationship to be. SO I look for the good in ever situation and that's now I view it. Then I look forward to waht is coming next and what part of God's creation I'll get to see and expereince next. Its kept me from getting a hard heart.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I've had God tell me things and lead me, but I agree there were so many times I wanted God to answer a certian question or tell me what to do and He didn't. So I came to the conclusion till He does tell me those things that's not how He wants our relationship to be. SO I look for the good in ever situation and that's now I view it. Then I look forward to waht is coming next and what part of God's creation I'll get to see and expereince next. Its kept me from getting a hard heart.

 

[iambren]

"But since I've had to "live" thru those moments and had to seek Him in those times it has strengthened my faith instead of the opposite."

Yet, THAT is part of my problem now. First, I don't see ANYTHING redemptive in what's happened to me. I feel like "Hey God, when are you going to kick it my way?" Two little precious boys and 2 decades of complete trust that she loved me and she loved God, for what?? So there's a lack of meaning.

Then there's trust. I was married previously and did not rush it (10 years between marriages). I subjected myself to counseling to see what MY faults were. I dated her for 5 years, took my time before proposing. She came from a Christian family, went to a Christian college, worked on staff of church in youth/SS ministries. Liked her family; they liked me. I fasted for 5 days and prayed. I had complete assurance and peace before God that she was the one to marry. Then this!!!! When you give all and done all you can in heart-purity before Him....where do you go from here?

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Where do you go from here? Well you keep going to God that's where but God is not on our time table and there is a bigger picture you cannot see. Trust me when I say, in different situations in my marriage I have been where you are at. And even though you feel as though you have suffered enough, don't forget Jesus died on a cross for us and we can really never suffer enough. This is a broken world we live in, with broken people. I know you've read your Bible. Do you not remember all the stories? MOST of the people in the Bible had to wait a long long time. Abraham had to wait 25 years. and then since he decided to "help" God he had to wait another 13 years before Isaac was born. The Israelites had to wander in the desert for 40 years until the whole previous generation died off. So WE don't know the plans God has for us, but if we have the attitude that "hey I've suffered enough" God will not move.
I could ask why did my mom have to die at 58?Why did my husband have to die at 55? Why did he die even after we prayed and believed for healing? Why do MY children have to grow up WITHOUT a father? Why do I have to be single? But instead I choose not to question God because I know that His plan is better than mine even if I have to suffer the rest of my life on Earth because someday He will return and I will have Eternal Life and there will be no more misery. And no matter HOW bad my life gets that is one blessing I have that no one can take and I certainly don't deserve. Also no matter how bad it gets I still have blessings. I have 2 GREAT sons. Lots of friends that really care about me. I have a home, a job, and all my necessities, a great church...I could go on, but I'm sure you get the point. So maybe if you can....you can pray about changing your viewpoint of how you look at your circumstances. Life IS tough and no one ever promised you a rose garden. The Bible says we WILL have tribulations and IMO and in my experience they last as long as necessary til you learn the lesson, whatever that may be.

 

[iambren]

I hear ya Michelle, and you are challenging me. Have you ever heard the term "cognitive dissonance"? This is how all this seems to me. I grew up in Christian/nonChristian home filled with strife. I wanted to produce better and this is my THIRD marriage. The first two didn't have a prayer.
But, THIS one--I took my time, all lights were go and I STILL fell on my face!!! I'm a pretty analytical guy, how could I be so WRONG!!!

When you do your BEST, consider God's ways--doesn't most of the teaching in wisdom lit of OT preach blessing in living by His statutes and Word? So strive for Him and it strangely blows up. I believe God and am so grateful for salvation but can't I have a little female companionship along life's way? I mean, wasn't Eve provided for Adam? Dissonance- God is good, but He makes no sense to me, in fact He seems like a tease.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I hear ya Michelle, and you are challenging me. Have you ever heard the term "cognitive dissonance"? This is how all this seems to me. I grew up in Christian/nonChristian home filled with strife. I wanted to produce better and this is my THIRD marriage. The first two didn't have a prayer.
But, THIS one--I took my time, all lights were go and I STILL fell on my face!!! I'm a pretty analytical guy, how could I be so WRONG!!!

When you do your BEST, consider God's ways--doesn't most of the teaching in wisdom lit of OT preach blessing in living by His statutes and Word? So strive for Him and it strangely blows up. I believe God and am so grateful for salvation but can't I have a little female companionship along life's way? I mean, wasn't Eve provided for Adam? Dissonance- God is good, but He makes no sense to me, in fact He seems like a tease.

Nope never heard of cognitive dissonance but I did look it up. . I still think you might be looking at things a little wrongly. Why should I have to be a single mother? IDK but God does. I read Proverbs every day and when I read this I thought of you (and myself because I am analytical also) Pr. 20:24 "A man's steps are of the Lord; How then can a man understand his own way?" And once again I HAVE been where you are at. For ME, whenever I am thinking about all that I don't have or wish I had, or why do other people get to have, to ME, it means I am thinking way too much about myself. I then need to get my eyes off of me and my situation and go and help someone else with whatever situation they are in. Help a homeless person, volunteer at a soup kitchen, talk with someone about issues that THEY have. It is a dangerous thing to question God and His motives. And YES He wants what's best for us, but we have to be willing to be obedient even IF he never answers that prayer. If we are not, then we are in effect saying, that whatever it is that we want is more important than God. And BTW God usually never answers my prayers in the way I think He should, but He sustains me and I don't wish to live one moment without Him in my life even if it means I will be alone until Eternity. But I cannot "convince" you of this, this is something you will need to discover on your own. And I think you are. And I also hope I don't sound too harsh toward you, because everything I am typing I mean with all the love of Christ. I am no ones judge or jury. We are all on our own journies.
Another thing that comes to mind is that your wife has her own free will as we all do. The Holy Spirit can tug at her heart, but she can choose to not respond, that's her perogative. BUT if she has truly accepted Jesus as her Savior in her heart in the past, then God will not let her be snatched out of His hand. And I am confident in my God that His will will be done in her life as well as yours. The only way she could get out of His grasp is if SHE totally denounces Him. So if I were you, I would be praying everyday for the Holy Spirit to draw her back, because of course, this is God's will for every believer so you would be praying for God's will.
God Bless you Brother! Keep the Faith!

 

[iambren]

Talked with her tonight and hit the same wall. Futility.

I must let it all go. Meanwhile I'll date and have a good time.

Frustration to the point of apathy.